Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  I turned quickly from his probing eyes and discovered my other best friend, Melissa Thompson, had joined us. Her shoulder-length chestnut hair was tucked in a neat bun, and she had her hands on her hips. With narrowed eyes, they both glared at me maliciously, as if I’d stomped on their Fendi boots. I tried to step around them and their evil glares, intent on heading to my first period class without an incident. They blocked my way.

  “What?” I said. I threw my hands up in defense.

  “What,” they said in unison. They always did that. It’s so creepy.

  “Zack’s been gone for only a week and you’re flirting with that loser, Slash Flirty McFlirt Pants already,” Emily said. She always made up her own words. It was the most annoying trait because without clarification, you couldn’t be sure what she called you or someone else.

  She and Melissa had been my best friends since kindergarten. They were Em and Tee – we still didn’t know why we called Melissa, Tee. We started it in kinder and it stuck. The three of us had been inseparable since our first mini-facials.

  “I can’t control if someone speaks to me or finds me attractive. I was only being polite,” I said. I tried to stop myself from smiling but couldn’t. Did he find me attractive?

  “Ump,” they chirped in unison. I rolled my eyes, side-stepped them, and started down the hall.

  “Anyway,” Melissa said, following closely. “The school’s having a memorial service this afternoon for Zack at three in the auditorium. We can meet at your locker and go together.”

  I spun around and glared at them. “What? Today? Why’d they wait a week for a memorial service?”

  Melissa shook her head, uncertain. Emily shrugged her shoulders and made faces into a compact she pulled from her bag.

  “We know how much you hate these kinds of things. We’ll be right there. I promise,” Melissa said. She reached out and gave my right hand a soft squeeze.

  “I know,” I said appreciatively. I threw my arms around them for a much-needed hug, “You guys are the best.”

  “We know,” they said in unison, again.

  I shook my head and waved goodbye as I entered my first period class.

  I plopped into my seat. “Dang it!” Why couldn’t I have missed all this? They purposely waited for me to come back to do the memorial. I knew it. Something had told me to stay out a couple more days. Why hadn’t I? Mother. I couldn’t suppress the frown on my face. My mother had encouraged me to come back today. Actually, made me was more accurate. She’d known, had orchestrated the entire event, and would be present to torture me. Why can’t I just have an uncomplicated, normal life?

  By the end of the day, I regretted the decision to return to school even more. All day I’d heard, “I’m so sorry about what happened. How are you doing?” If I heard those words one more time, I’d scream for sure. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate the concern. But it was too much.

  While leaving my last class and heading to my locker on the first floor, someone spoke my name as I rounded a corner above the staircase. I stopped as I recognized the voice attached to it. Chris, the new guy. The female voice in the conversation sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I crept closer to the stairs to get a better understanding of what they were discussing. And why my name would be mentioned.

  “If you haven’t found her by now then she isn’t here. We have to go,” the female said. I could hear the strain in her voice – as if she were about to cry.

  “One person has sparked my interest. She looks exactly like her. It’s uncanny,” Chris said.

  “What do you mean ‘sparked your interest’? You both would recognize one another immediately. Like every other time we’ve done this. Are you talking about this Chloe chick I heard you thinking about earlier?”

  “Listen, you know I’d never do anything to jeopardize what we’re doing. But if Chloe’s…”

  Just then, the sound of approaching footsteps sounded down the hall. I glanced up to see the shadows of two students rounding the corner, headed in my direction. I had to act as if I wasn’t eavesdropping, which I so blatantly was. As the two students neared, I pretended to tie my shoes. I bent clumsily.

  “Hey, Chloe,” a feminine voice said. I stood to find the Weinright twins with identical expressions of sorrow clouding their faces. “Are you on your way to the memorial service?” Jennifer asked. She stretched her hand out and rubbed my upper arm. Then smiled with the same “I’m sorry” look.

  “Yes, I am. I need to get something from my locker first. I’ll see you guys there.” I watched until they disappeared in the opposite direction. I scrambled to the corner, hopeful I hadn’t missed the rest of the conversation between Chris and the mystery girl. But when I popped my head around the corner, Chris and his friend were gone. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the exchange between them had been important. Well, it had to be since it was apparently about me.

  I bounded the stairs, going over in my head what they’d said. Out of nowhere, Emily and Melissa seized my arms. They half dragged me with them to the auditorium.

  “Okay, guys.” I said through clenched teeth, “I was on my way. You don’t have to carry me.”

  “We know. We just wanna help. We can only imagine the grief you must be feeling,” they said. They sounded like two clones from the town of Stepford. I wondered how long they’d practiced that line.

  I held my breath as we entered the auditorium. I’m not mentally prepared for this. I plastered on a reassuring smile to display that I was emotionally fit. Melissa and Emily, however, insisted on carting me around as if I were handicapped.

  Finally, tiring of them, I flopped into the closest seat. Situated at a comfortable distance from the stage. But not far away enough that probing eyes couldn’t find me. Or not far away enough that others would think I didn’t care. Sometimes, most of the time, I cared too much.

  “Don’t you want to sit closer to the stage? Or next to Zack’s mom?” Melissa asked. She pointed to the front few rows of seats where Mrs. Maureen sat dabbing a silk handkerchief to her overly made-up eyes every couple seconds.

  “Nope. I want to sit right here. Thank you,” I said. I sat back in the velvety seat and folded my arms across my lap.

  “Well, I guess if you insist,” said Emily, “but no one can see you here, CC.” She shook her head in disapproval. That was kind of my point, but that fact would’ve been lost on her.

  It was a pleasant ceremony, in spite of the situation and the uncomfortable nervous gurgle of my abdominal area. Everyone that spoke had honorable things to say about Zack. I could see how moved it made Mrs. Maureen. My chest ached at the thought of never seeing Zack again. I had to look away every couple minutes to gain my composure. Breaking down in front of everyone would be awful.

  I took a moment from listening to scan the audience. That’s when I noticed Casey. Seated in a corner at the second level of the auditorium. She appeared visibly upset, and my heart went out to her. From her anguished expression, she must have genuinely cared about Zack. I wondered how long they’d been seeing each other. Were there clues alluding to Zack’s secret courtship? I couldn’t recall anything out of the ordinary, but it could’ve been going on for some time. I was clueless about these things.

  With my contemplation on the subject of her and Zack complete, I was ready to turn back to the memorial, but then I saw her eyes narrow and slant in my direction. Her mouth puckered to match her frown, and her nostrils flared. The hurt and pain in her eyes was like a sucker punch. Her loathing me was a new development. I needed to squash this before it got out of hand. I’d have to make a special trip to her house soon. To let her know I wasn’t upset at her. Zack must have loved her; I knew he hadn’t been in love with me. It would’ve been nice to receive a note to that effect. But I wasn’t upset about it. And I didn’t think I should be.

  I had to force my eyes away from the malice resonating from her to me. I’d known many girls who didn’t like me. Usually jealousy. But I’d never had anyone
hate me. I got that vibe from Casey, though. I shook my head and diverted my gaze back to the stage. Life was too short to hate people, especially for things they had no control over.

  “Why are you so fidgety?” Melissa whispered to me, her head ducked. “It’s like you’re waiting for something to happen.”

  I laughed. If only I could tell her what had been happening to me. She wouldn’t understand though. I didn’t even understand. “I’m fine, Tee. I just hate ceremonies like this. You know.”

  “I understand, CC. Just try to relax. No one’s going to make you speak.” She smiled supportively and sat back in her seat. I wished that was the reason for my nervousness.

  I tried to sit and listen without allowing my mind to wander. If Tee noticed, others might also. I didn’t want to give them something new to talk about.

  Reed McCullough, a football teammate of Zack’s, discussed his level of dedication to the game. But I was unable to listen or quiet my inner alarm. I scanned the audience again. An ominous feeling overtook me.

  Someone was watching me.

  I was in danger.

  Chapter 8

  I knew more than half the students in the auditorium glanced at me every couple seconds. Their hope: to get a reaction from me so they could tell someone else how I overreacted at the ceremony. But this was different. Someone was watching me for a reason other than the present circumstances. Or I could simply be having another loopy episode. I preferred the first explanation – no one wanted to go crazy.

  I studied the audience yet again and noticed Chris sitting six seats away on the opposite side of the auditorium. He sat next to a girl with long spiraled hair and a red tee similar to his. As I noticed them, the girl in the red tee turned toward me. She was beautiful with hair long past her shoulders, a slender nose, and a delicate feminine face. Perfect features, like Chris.

  When she noticed me staring, she sat back in her seat again. But not before a coy smile penetrated her soft features.

  She must be the girl Chris was talking to on the stairs. Her face seemed eerily familiar, but I couldn’t place her. She must not go to Whitney. But if she didn’t then why would she be at Zack’s memorial service? Maybe she was another of Zack’s secret girlfriends. I smirked. Then frowned.

  Their conversation on the stairs was weird. Something she’d said didn’t make sense at all. She’d said, “Is she the Chloe chick I heard you thinking about earlier?” Didn’t she mean she’d heard him talking about earlier?

  I turned in my seat to face Emily. “Em, do you recognize that girl in the red tee next to Chris?”

  Emily turned in her seat and stared where I pointed. She sat back with a giggle. “What’s wrong with you, CC? Um, that’s Jennifer Riley. You’ve known her since the second grade.” She shook her head with a smirk.

  “No, not Jennifer,” I said, rolling my eyes. “The girl sitting next to Chris.” I pointed in the direction of Chris and the beautiful girl so Em wouldn’t miss them.

  “CC, have you been sniffin’ markers? That’s Jennifer,” she insisted. She grabbed my chin in her hand and turned my head until I stared directly at her. Jennifer. She sat right next to Chris where, a minute ago, the girl in the red tee had been. My stomach dropped and every muscle in my body tensed.

  “No, but…she had been…I mean…the other girl, she was…”

  Melissa sat up and looked at me with worry in her eyes. “Are you okay, CC?” she asked, leaning around Emily.

  “Uh, I’m fine. I – I need to go home and lie down.” I’d needed to be alone a lot since I decided to lose my mind. Mother would have me committed to the same insane asylum as Aunt Agnes.

  “Do you want us to play buffer for you? We can crash for the night if you need us to,” Emily said. “We don’t want you to go luniac on us or anything.” I glanced at her sideways then realized she must have made up a new word for crazy. I shook my head.

  “I’ll be fine. I think I should be alone.” I didn’t need them or anyone else to witness my descent into madness. As if my life weren’t complicated enough.

  As the MC closed the ceremony, I took one more fleeting glance down the aisle at Chris. He was standing and waiting for the person in front of him to move. And standing directly behind him was the girl in the red tee.

  “Em,” I said, yanking her to my side, “quick, her…what’s her name.” I motioned to the anonymous girl.

  “Are you sure you’re okay, CC, because that’s still Jennifer…” She shook her head. “Are you sick or somethin’? You put your brain in shut-down mode?”

  Melissa, who had come to stand beside me, thrust her elbow into Emily’s side and shook her head.

  Perplexed, I turned and considered her face again. A girl with long spirals and a red tee still stood next to Chris. Why couldn’t I just see Jennifer like everybody else?

  I buried my head in my hands. I had to make some sense of what was happening to me.

  When I looked up, Emily pushed past me and stalked over to Chris and the girl. My breath caught in anticipation. She whispered something into the girl’s ear. The ghost girl turned and waved.

  It was Jennifer Riley.

  I stumbled backwards in shock. Melissa caught me so I wouldn’t fall to the floor. I didn’t wave back. I stared in disbelief, unable to grasp how a moment ago she was not there. Someone completely different in appearance had stood there. No one else had seen her. Yet, I’d seen her. I was certain of it.

  Here I go again, totally losing it. Once I was free of the aisle and caught up to Emily, I asked what she’d said.

  “I asked if she’d changed shirts while we were seated because you kept babblin’ about a girl in a red tee. She said no.”

  I rolled my eyes at her.

  “Oh. The struggle.” She smiled and rolled her eyes, too.

  I balled my hands up and shut my eyes tight, not wanting to believe the obvious. I was turning into a crazy person. Just like Aunt Agnes.

  No. I know what I saw. Right? I hadn’t convinced myself. After all, I’d imagined all sorts of strange things lately. I turned abruptly and said, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I walked with quick strides up the steps to the nearest exit. I needed to regain my composure. Something I couldn’t do with a room chock full of kids gawking at me. I glanced behind me to find Em and Tee right on my heels. I shook my head and kept my pace.

  When I reached the top step, I could’ve sworn someone said my name. I pored over the crowded auditorium. That was when I saw them. Chris and the girl in the red tee were hunched together near a right wing exit, talking.

  My hands were moist at my side. I wiped them on my jeans, took a deep breath, and then moved in their direction. I had to confront him and the mysterious girl, who only he and I could apparently see.

  “CC, where are you going?” Melissa asked. She tugged at my arm to keep me by her side.

  “I need to do something. Give me a minute.” I jerked my arm from her hand and kept moving.

  “What are you doing?” asked another all-too-familiar voice.

  I came to an abrupt halt. I eyed Chris and the ghost girl. They twisted a bit, still in their huddled position, and stared. They looked as if they were waiting…for me. Then both their mouths turned up into smiles as they turned to face me full on.

  It was like they were waiting for me. As if they wanted me to join them. I stumbled backwards and into the familiar voice’s arms.

  “What is the matter with you?” Mother asked. “Let’s go. Now. Before you embarrass me further.” Right. I embarrassed you by nearly hurling to the floor. “Emily and Melissa explained how you have been behaving today. Flirting with some strange boy only days after Zack’s death. How could you?” I glanced around her to stare at Emily and Melissa in disbelief. Really? How could you? I drew my mouth into a tight pout.

  “Sorry,” Melissa mouthed. But she wasn’t really sorry. Her apology didn’t touch her eyes. Emily rolled her eyes and glanced away guilty.

  Mother grabbed me by the arm an
d pulled me up straight. I stood beside her, thoroughly scolded. “Look up, Chloe,” she ordered me. She pulled my chin so my eyes had to meet with hers. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. I need to get home, relax – that’s all. I hadn’t expected all of this on my first day back. I think it caught me off guard.”

  My explanation sufficed because she nodded and walked off .

  I stole one more glance in the direction Chris and the disappearing girl had been. They weren’t there anymore.

  I wasn’t certain if she’d been there at all.

  ~ ~ ~

  As soon as my foot touched the entrance to our house, I hurried to my room. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. What kid ever was? However, Mother seemed intent on getting a rise out of me, because as soon as I entered my room she was on my heels.

  Step for step, she was right behind me. It was as if she were purposely trying to provoke me. Wasn’t there something in the Bible about parents not provoking their children? Or driving them completely mad?

  “Chloe, I do believe you have sucked all the condolences out of this situation that you can,” she began, nostrils flared, intent on breaking me for the last time.

  “Mother, you should know me better than that.” These particular words seemed comical coming across my lips. I stifled a giggle. “This, my behavior, has nothing to do with Zack.” If I confided in her…told her the truth, maybe she would listen, take me seriously. Maybe even help me. It was a possibility. She hadn’t always been this cold and distant.

  “Mother, I need to tell you something.” Oh God. I can’t believe I’m about to do this. “Something I’m not certain you’ll believe. Please don’t interrupt until I’ve finished – a part of me can’t believe I’m saying it.”

  Gulp. I swallowed hard. And focused my attention on the rustic gold slate floor in my bathroom, as I fought for the correct words to explain my mental breakdown. “I’ve been…seeing things…and hearing things. Voices,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.

  “Seeing things,” she said. “What types of things?” She bore her eyes into me, picking apart every word I said. Her eyes were cold steel. She sat on my bed and studied me. Her face carried no expression. That must come in handy in court. I couldn’t tell if she believed what I’d said so far, but I proceeded anyway.