Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  “CC, you’re my best friend; it has everything to do with me. And Tee. Why are you keeping secrets? I can’t believe you.” She rolled her eyes so hard I knew they’d pop out and land on me. “Wait till I tell Tee! We’re your best friends. That’s info you share.” I knew she was right. What could I say? “I’m not talking to Casey again. It was skanky, no matter how you look at it. Plus, she’s going around tellin’ everybody you’re pretending to be sad, but you look like an idiot because everyone who’s anybody knew Zack was in love with her. Of course, I don’t believe that because everybody loves you. But I’m just saying.”

  “Are you serious?” I said, amused and hurt simultaneously. “Well, um…he may have loved her more. Honestly, I really don’t care and I’d like to drop the whole thing.” I clamped my jaw shut and felt the lump rise in the back of my throat. I would not shed a tear over this. Even if people were talking about how stupid I was. I wouldn’t give Casey the satisfaction.

  “CC, you’ve got to be kidding. She’s flapping her gap about you – and you don’t care! She even tweeted about you the other day.” She threw her hands up. Once again, I had done something she couldn’t understand. And I couldn’t make her understand.

  “No, I don’t care. Just drop it, please. I’m going home.” I’d changed my mind about the sleepover already. I couldn’t take a whole night of this. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I tried to soften my voice and not sound so harsh. Her eyes creased in the corners and her bottom lip twitched. She had been the protector of our rights, our muscle, as she saw it. I was the wimp and Tee was the friendly one. She was only performing her normal friend-task, I reminded myself. It’s not her fault I’m changing so much, so fast.

  “I guess. But I’ll see what Tee thinks about this.” My mouth automatically opened, ready to dispute. She held up her palms for me to stop. “It may not bother you but it irritates the hell out of me. She is the worst thing to happen to the universe and I want all the seconds I wasted faking a friendship with her back. Can I get a reward for time served? Like, really. What she’s doing…how she’s smacking her lips against you. She doesn’t have the right. She was always trying to be like you. Like a freaked-out, spiky-haired cyborg version of you. So weird.”

  I tossed my head back and laughed. “I love you. You always have my back. But trust me, you don’t have to do anything. I’m fine. Casey’s old news. Anyway, I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She pursed her lips, then shook her head. I grabbed her and we shared a loving embrace.

  “Tomorrow,” she said, with a crooked grin.

  As I made my way down the steps to the parking lot, what she’d said echoed in my mind. Should I confront Casey? Ever since I saw the kiss, I’d contemplated talking with her, but was so consumed with everything else, I’d put it off. Deep in thought, with my head bent, I stumbled into someone standing in my path. I glanced up to find Chris. He grabbed my arms to steady me as I wobbled. He smiled down at me with his delicious eyes and full lips. Every muscle in my body tightened as I stared back, stupefied. A shiver of delight rippled through me.

  “I thought she’d never leave.” He grinned mischievously.

  “Hello.” I smiled so big the joker would be jealous.

  “Hello back, beautiful. Can I give you a ride home?”

  Yes. Yes. Most definitely. I would love that. Unfortunately, I’d be dead before sunset if I did. “My brother’s going to take me. But thanks.” Dang it! My whole day had been horrible.

  “If he drives a silver two-door Volvo, I told him you’d already left. I heard him out here asking where you were.” He pointed behind him to the empting parking lot.

  “What? Why did you do that?” I asked, amused by his every action. And a little baffled. And a little scared. And a little in awe of him.

  “Isn’t it obvious? We’ve spent zero real time together. Haven’t you been curious about what’s happening between us?” Whenever I was in his presence, I had to instruct my respiratory system to continue functioning. It was working overtime right now. I definitely wanted to know how he could make me feel these things. “I’d love to spend an entire afternoon with you.” My lips parted slightly and I released a soft sigh. So perfect.

  “Really? Why?” My heart left me nearly immobilized from its frenzied beat.

  “Because we’re both stuck here for the moment and we know our lives mean so much more than this. Or at least we want it, too.” He motioned with his hands to the world around us. I didn’t notice anything but his gorgeous face.

  “What does that mean exactly?” I said in the small inaudible voice that threatened to replace my old one.

  “It means, I’d love to drive you home. Is that okay?” He tilted his head and peered at me with an amused expression. Was he laughing at me, again?

  “Yes, I guess.” I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t get a straight response from anyone. I’d come to school seeking answers and all I managed to get was more confused. Chris’s behavior tangled my thoughts. He elicited feelings from me that didn’t seem natural. And now I was letting him drive me home. Who am I?

  “Let’s go, princess.” He extended his hand and motioned to the black Jeep in front of us. He reached around me, grabbed my bag from my shoulder, and tossed it over his left arm. In the process, his hand grazed my right arm. It sent sparks of electricity coursing through that side of my body. How could I have said no...he’s perfect! I bit my bottom lip and gave him a sideways glance. I wondered if the spark touched him also.

  We didn’t speak as he pulled out of the school parking lot. Still reeling from his touch, I sat silently as he drove. It hadn’t occurred to me that he wouldn’t have any idea where I lived until he pulled up in front of my house.

  I glanced at him. He stared back and his eyes ran the length of my face, then lingered on my lips.

  “How…what…I don’t understand. How do you know where I live? Are you stalking me?” I smiled like an idiot while my instincts rang an alarm. Something wasn’t right here. Shut up! I slapped my conscience down, before it could ruin my chances with him.

  “All things in due time, princess. You’re not ready for that conversation.” He gripped the wheel tighter and wouldn’t meet my eyes anymore.

  “Do you have something to tell me? Because I’m ready now for whatever you have to tell me. I’m so confused. Do you know what’s happening to me?” I asked, a sob ready to escape.

  He glanced at me, then turned back to stare at the steering wheel. “Please don’t be upset. I can’t stand to see you upset.” He sighed softly and ran his hands through his hair. “I promise, in due time I’ll reveal everything to you. Be patient. You should know, however, Chloe Carmichael, you’re special, even if you don’t realize it.”

  A shrill, hard cackle escaped my lips. “You talk like you’re an old man sometimes. And, ironically, Ms. Graves, our school nurse, said the same thing to me this morning. But she’s much closer to old than you are.”

  “Really? Well, Ms. Graves must be an insightful person – like me.” He grinned mischievously at me. “Do you think I could come by this evening to see you?” His eyes glossed to a warm caramel. They penetrated those areas I hid away from everyone else. I was defenseless with him. How could I be consumed with him so fast? I’d slap myself a few times, if I could do it without looking crazy.

  “That shouldn’t be a problem.” Gulp. “If you’d like you can come in now. That would be okay.” I wanted him to take me up on the offer because I didn’t want to stay alone in the house – in my bedroom, more specifically. Here I go. Always thinking like a coward.

  “I can’t right now. I have something I have to do. I’ll be back.” He reached over and almost touched my face. Instead, he allowed his hand to linger by my jaw and he made a sweeping motion in the air. The sensation of his hand nearly touching any part of my body was enough to put my heart in my throat. It sent a delicious vibration straight through me. I couldn’t speak. And I couldn’t take my eyes from his. It was like
they were welded in place.

  He dropped his hand and smiled. “Don’t overthink things. Go relax. Everything will be okay. I promise.” Really? Does that promise come with a guarantee? I needed to relax, but I couldn’t see how that was possible in my current emotional state. Or with him sitting so close.

  I opened the truck door, throwing him a last questioning glance before I exited. He stared back, not allowing his eyes to stray from mine. It was strange. Our eyes locked and held without either of us flinching away. I could no longer deny the obvious chemistry developing between us. I’d do my happy dance, except I didn’t want to look like the idiot I felt like while doing it.

  I made my way up to the front door of the house and turned to watch as he pulled from the curb. Loneliness washed over me. Why hadn’t he come in now? I looked gloomily at the house. I dreaded going in. My bedroom was where the weirdest episodes took place. Maybe I’d avoid it. No, that won’t work. I needed to face my fears, or I would always be afraid.

  I stepped inside the house I’d lived in my entire life. But it wasn’t the same house. It contained within its walls the ability to possess me with fear I’d never known. The silence I would have normally welcomed, now petrified me, and since I’d decided to lose myself, every bump nearly had me in tears. In the dark quiet areas of the house, I could never be alone. It would torment me.

  Matt’s car was parked out front. And Amber would be here as usual. If I needed, I could escape into the room with them. I knew Amber would convince Matt to let me in if I asked. How long he would allow me to invade his privacy before he banned me was another story.

  I looked at the stairs, normal stairs. Lately they’d only been the path to my madness. I sighed. The madness was in looking at the stairs as anything other than plain steps. The chicken in me reared her head. Palms sweaty, heart racing, I took each step with calculated precision. But I felt foolish, so I straightened and walked in normal strides.

  What was I so frightened of anyway? So I might have telekinesis and I had a couple of bad dreams. So what? But then there was the Zack thing. I may also be able to see the future. And then there were the voices, but other than that, I was normal. My laugh echoed off the walls. That sounded absurd. First off, I’d never been normal. But I knew I wasn’t insane. Nevertheless, my knowing that was something else altogether from others believing my stories. Any psychiatrist would say I was crazy and have me committed. If the psychiatrist didn’t do it, my mother would do it herself.

  Once I reached my room, I opened the door, like the normal person I was trying to be. This was my room. Would I allow an unknown force to dictate when I could be alone in here? I think not. In this house of absolute order, my bedroom had now become the most dreaded place for me.

  This had been the only place I could be me and not what everyone else wanted. Most of the craziness had happened here, though. I needed to reclaim it. But how?

  Even with my pep talk, I left the door ajar. I could run out if the need arose. That’s thinking like a true chicken, Carmichael.

  It was as I left it this morning – slightly messy. Just slightly because full-on messy was never allowed since I fought Mother on her maids cleaning my room. I didn’t want some nosy maid peeking through my things.

  I walked around my king-sized sleigh bed, placed my bag on my mahogany desk next to the window, and then opened the drapes to let sunshine flood the room. Sunshine could make the most dreaded situations pale. I sat in my shaggy red computer chair that I’d had to beg Mother to allow me to have and looked around the room, unsure what to do next. Wait for Chris to come later? My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of him here in my house without the distraction of other students. It was too good to be true. But it is true. I smiled wistfully at the sun and wrapped my arms around myself. “Chris,” I sighed. I couldn’t believe how I’d been acting with this guy.

  What if Zack hadn’t died? Would I still obsess over Chris? Would butterflies flutter away in my belly every time he was near or I heard his name? Would I have broken up with Zack for Chris and not cared what my mother thought about it?

  I had to remind myself that I was obsessing over a guy I didn’t really know. Who may not share my same feelings. He was nice and a flirt. But he might flirt with all the girls at school. But there was chemistry between us. We both knew that.

  Why was it that just a short time ago I believed I could have any guy I wanted – which was none – and now I wouldn’t allow myself to think I could get the one guy I did want.

  Chris possessed some sort of power over me. One look into his eyes and I turned to a smiling, blushing, babble head. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but something was there, and he knew that I knew it. The strange thing was, most people didn’t want others to see them so clearly. They tried hard to hide who they were – at least I did. But not him. He was content with being himself with me. The alarming thing was, I still wanted him with all the unanswered questions. And the fact that he scared me a little. What did that say about me?

  A creak sounded in the corner of the room at that precise moment. I leapt from the seat and slammed myself head first into the wall. Shit.

  I turned and bent toward the wall, looking up where the noise originated. I recognized the sound. I shivered with fear from my hunched position. My gaze fell on the door to my room. Then the door slammed shut with a loud thud.

  Panic stricken, I jumped to my feet and knocked the chair over in my near hysteria. I tripped over the legs and landed on my bottom. I was off the floor as if lightening had struck. Standing in the middle of the room, panting like I’d just run a mile, my automatic reaction was to race to the door. But instead, I found myself unsure of what move to make next. Every fiber of my chicken-hearted being said, run! I didn’t. I had to face my fear. What was there to be frightened of anyway? So I could move objects. But that was the thing – I wasn’t really sure I was doing anything. Could I do it? Or was something or someone else at work here? Still, it wouldn’t hurt to test the ability. If I had any.

  I cautiously lifted my right hand and pointed my index finger, like before. I wanted to try it out on something different this time. Something small first. A black writing pen lay on my desk. I pointed to it and it rolled to the left, then to the right. I gasped and closed my hand in a fist, quickly pulling it back to my chest. Stay strong, Carmichael. You started it. Now finish it.

  I hesitantly pointed to the pen again. Taking a deep breath, I concentrated this time on what I wanted it to do and where I wanted it to go. I gasped again as the pen rolled faster on the desk. Then, with a steady hand, I elevated my finger, and the pen swayed and floated in the air. I placed it on the middle of my unmade bed.

  I stumbled backwards into the wall again. “No freaking way.”

  Chapter 10

  My hands flew to my mouth. “I did that.” I did that solely with my mind. I stood, gasping for air. What else could I move? I wanted to do more, to become less frightened by this ability.

  Spying the pile of dirty clothes that lay in a heap next to the window, I pointed to them. The clothes rose from their still position. They took flight as easy as a bird leaving its nest. I placed them in the basket next to my closet door. From where I stood in the middle of my room, I opened the connecting door to my restroom and turned on the faucet. I’m just like Matilda!

  I stopped and peered at my hands, marveling at what they’d done. How can I do these things? I wondered if this was a genetically produced phenomenon. My parents and Matt could have an ability also. I laughed at my mother having any supernatural power. She was too normal, too practical to possess such extraordinary power.

  Talking with Matt about this was a good idea. It would be awesome if he had an ability, too. Me alone equaled freak. But two or maybe even the four of us equaled a circus. Circuses were fun. Right? Yeah, when you were five, Carmichael, not 16.

  Excited for the first time in weeks, I made my way around the bed, intent on speaking to Matt right away. As I rounded
the bed and headed to my door, I walked into something solid in the clear air in front of me. It knocked me flat on my rear. When I looked up, there was nothing there. My eyes scanned the open air in front of me.

  Badoom. Badoom. My heart beat loud, fast. I pushed myself from the floor but kept my eyes diverted for as long as I could. I dared myself to look up again, and when I did, I could barely make out the silhouette of a person standing in front of me.

  An invisible person.

  I stumbled backwards landing on my behind again. I shook my head, not wanting to believe what I saw. With escalated fear, I pushed myself across the floor, away from the invisible person. My back hit the wall, but my legs continued to push, wanting more distance between me and this…thing. I didn’t dare stand again. Whatever it was, I didn’t want it hovering over me. I refused to take my eyes from it. If it flinched, I was sure I’d pass out.

  The silhouette began to fill in. I watched as feet materialized, then legs appeared wearing jeans, then an entire bottom torso exposed. This was no nightmarish beast. A real person was insanely manifesting before me. It being a person did nothing, however, to calm my fears.

  Terrified but entranced, I refused to tear my eyes away. I was spellbound as a face emerged and grew in clarity. Then its lips parted and it laughed.

  I looked up sharply – I knew that laugh.

  “Chris,” I whispered, my voice cracking. I craned my neck to the side to get a better view of it. Him.

  “Yes, princess.” His body stood fully focused before me. “Did I frighten you?” He approached with his hands raised in front of him. I pushed myself further into the wall and my hands flew to my face protectively. I was still freaked, but passing out didn’t seem likely anymore.