by Misa Rush
Brad thumbed through a magazine on motherhood, baffled by the arsenal of products advertised for babies.
“What’s this?” he asked Hanna in a quiet voice, pointing to a picture of two clear, plastic cones with handles attached to bottles.
“It’s a breast pump,” Hanna whispered. Brad burst out laughing.
“SHHH!” Hanna raised her finger to her lips like a mother would to hush a child.
“Does it make them bigger?” He raised his eyebrows curiously.
“No!”
“Too bad.”
“It’s for pumping milk.”
“Like milking a cow? Moooo.”
“Hush!” She elbowed him in his rib.
“Ouch!” He pulled away. “That hurt. Can you kiss it?”
“No. You don’t get kisses for injuries you deserve.”
“Oh, come on. You never know when I might need to know about these things.”
Hanna’s eyes gleamed. Was he insinuating that he might need to know these things if they had children together someday? She had never been one to daydream about romantic futures, but everything about him captivated her. She reached over and wove her fingers into his.
A petite, blond girl in blue scrubs appeared in the doorway. “Karsen Woods?” she called in a light, wispy voice. Addison reached over and helped her to her feet. “I’ll go with you, if that’s okay?” she asked.
Karsen nodded.
When they entered the exam room, the nurse instructed Karsen to undress and handed her a paper sheet to drape over her legs. As she did, Addison glanced through a pamphlet to give her some privacy. When she was settled, Addison came and stood beside the table. She rested the palm of her hand on Karsen’s forehead, like a mother feeling for a temperature.
“You should have told me.” she said, her expression concerned.
“I didn’t want you to think I came to find you for a handout,” Karsen said apologetically.
“What makes you think I would have thought that?”
Karsen shrugged. She felt as though every decision she’d made recently, even with the best of intentions, had turned out horribly wrong. “Besides, before I came to New York, I’d decided I wasn’t going to have the baby. But…”
Karsen felt ashamed. The last thing she wanted to admit to Addison was that she intended to terminate the pregnancy.
“Oh,” Addison said a bit confused.
“…but now, I don’t know. I see you and the life you have and imagine if my mom hadn’t had you. That’s why I had to come here. I had to meet you, talk to you. And now that I have, I don’t think I could not have this baby. Even if I put it up for adoption, isn’t their life worth living? The thought of losing this baby…”
Addison squeezed her newfound sister’s hand. She finally understood Karsen’s urgency for wanting to meet her. She had a choice to make. Now, no matter what she decided, Addison felt she had to live with it, too.
“Why don’t we see what the doctor has to say? There’s no need to worry until then.”
The minutes crept past as they waited. Karsen fidgeted, flipping restlessly through an issue of Home & Gardens. Addison sat, legs crossed staring blankly at a “Stages of Pregnancy” chart on the wall. In forty-eight hours her life had turned upside down. She wanted to help Karsen, but how? Only yesterday she felt as though she had all the answers, the omnipotent author of her own destiny. She had never imagined the powerlessness she felt now.
There was a light knock on the door.
“Hi, Karsen. I’m Dr. Gallegos,” she introduced herself as she entered the room and approached Karsen. “How are you doing?” she asked, flipping through Karsen’s file.
“I don’t know.”
Dr. Gallegos smiled reassuringly, then turned to greet Addison.
“Hello, Addy. It’s good to see you.” Clearly, the two women knew each other, although Dr. Gallegos didn’t pry as to what Addison’s connection to Karsen was.
“You, too, Olivia,” Addison said. “Thank you for squeezing us in.”
The doctor set the file on the counter and focused her attention back to Karsen.
“Karsen, I’m assuming since Addison is in the room you want her here, correct?”
“Yes.”
“All right then, lay back, please. So you’re experiencing some cramping and bleeding, correct?”
“Yes,” replied Karsen, as she reclined per doctor’s orders.
“Is the bleeding heavy or light?”
“Light, I guess? Sorry, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t really know what is considered light or not.”
Dr. Gallegos squeezed her hand.
“It’s okay. Try to relax. Anxiety will only stress the fetus more, okay?” Karsen appreciated that she seemed truly concerned, not as if she was sending her through the system like another no-name patient.
“Your chart said you should be coming up on twelve weeks, correct?” Dr. Gallegos pressed gently on Karsen’s abdomen, feeling for the size of her uterus.
“I believe so.”
“Has anything unusual happened recently? Have you had intercourse? Any strenuous activity, or under any undue stress?”
“Stress...” Karsen glanced at Addison. “Definitely stress.”
“Sometimes stress can cause spotting to occur. From what I can feel, everything appears on track. However, I would recommend we do an ultrasound just to take a look. We have one here so you won’t have to go anywhere else.”
“All right,” Karsen agreed apprehensively.
Dr. Gallegos pulled a cart holding the sonogram machine closer to the bed. Another monitor was mounted on the wall so Karsen could watch. Karsen lifted her shirt exposing her bare belly.
“Oh, that’s warm!” she giggled nervously.
The glob of clear jelly smeared across her skin as Dr. Gallegos guided the wand around searching for the fetus. The doctor smiled, “Yes, we warm the bottle. It’s much more pleasant than ice cold jelly.”
“Breathe, Karsen,” Addison reminded her.
Karsen tried to relax, but she couldn’t. If she miscarried, the decision no longer would be hers. Maybe it would even be for the best, but why then was she desperately and suddenly hoping to see a heartbeat among the fuzzy black and white image on the screen? She turned to Addison.
“I want my baby, Addison! I want to have this baby!” Karsen pleaded.
“I know,” Addison grasped her hand and prayed silently to herself, Please let there be a heartbeat.
Brad paced in the waiting area. He had already read through every available publication and his patience had worn thin.
“Sit down, honey,” coaxed Hanna.
“I can’t. They’ve been back there over an hour. What if Karsen’s not okay?”
“She’s going to be fine.”
“You don’t know that.”
“And you don’t know that she’s not. But, I do know wearing a path in the carpet isn’t going to help, and quite honestly, you’re driving me crazy. Whatever is meant to be always happens anyway.”
Logically he knew she was right, but he couldn’t help it.
“Brad, sit. Please,” she said sternly.
“Fine.” He slumped down in the chair beside her.
“She’s strong, you know. You don’t give her enough credit.”
“Probably not. I just… I just can’t let anything else happen to this family.”
“At some point, you have to take care of yourself. What happens when you have a family? I mean, what happens if we have a family… someday? Are you still going to be saving Karsen?”
The words came out before she realized what she was starting. She saw anger cross his face. The scowl lines deepened in his forehead and his lips pursed. She hadn’t intended to initiate a serious conversation. She just needed to know he’d put her first someday.
“I’m sorry.” She tried to retract her statement before he could speak.
“That’s not fair.”
“I said I’m sorry.” She regrette
d broaching the topic at all. He turned to face her, but she looked only at the floor. Her last intention was to start their first fight, and in public, no less.
He knelt down in front of her and leaned in.
“It’s not fair that you compare Karsen to you. Karsen is my sister. We’ve always been close. But you…”
He paused. “Look at me.”
She raised her eyes to meet his.
“I love YOU.”
She stared at him in shock. She hadn’t expected to hear the word love. They’d been close, intimate even, but neither had actually verbalized the “L” word.
“I want to be with you. I want to have a family with you someday. But right now, she needs me, and I know as her friend you understand that.”
“I do know. I’m sorry.” She tried to withhold the tears forming in her eyes.
“I love you,” he repeated, wiping the tear from her cheek.
“I love you, too.”
“You two are going to have to stop being so lovey-dovey all the time.”
Addison stood looking down at them. Brad got up and they both smiled sheepishly.
“What’s the word?” Brad asked, trying to sound calm and collected.
“Karsen’s doing fine,” Addison assured him. She knew ‘fine’ wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but the details were not hers to tell. “She’ll be out in a minute. I’ll let her fill you in.”
Karsen finished dressing. She was filled with a newfound hope as she walked down the hallway, smiling at the photos aligning the walls. All infants delivered by Dr. Gallegos. How lucky they were to have had such a compassionate doctor, she thought.
Brad and Hanna stood anxiously as Karsen re-entered the waiting room. She embraced Hanna in a warm hug, holding her tight.
“Thanks,” she said into her friend’s ear as she held her.
“Are you okay?” Hanna asked.
“Yeah, I am now.”
“So?” Brad asked, not sure what really he was asking.
Karsen took a step back from Hanna. Her lips pressed together into a peaceful smile as she thought about what to say.
“I’m fine. Dr. Gallegos said I need to start taking it easy.”
“Does that mean …?” Hanna asked expectantly.
“The baby is fine.” Karsen’s eyes lit up as she took Brad’s hands. “I guess it means you’re going to be an uncle.”
“Seriously?” Brad was taken aback. His focus had always been on Karsen’s well-being. Hearing the word “uncle,” he realized he’d be more than a big brother now. He had a new role to play. “Are you sure about this?”
She smiled confidently. “Absolutely. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to keep the baby.”
“Hear that Hanna? You’re going to be an auntie,” Brad winked at her.
“What about me?” Addison interrupted. “What am I, chopped liver?”
“If it’s a girl, you’ll be her new best friend, Auntie Addison. After all, she heard you took Adelaide shopping at Barneys. Better have them increase your credit limit.”
They all laughed.
“I haven’t seen you smile like this in a long time, K.” Brad sounded relieved.
“I know.” She tilted her head slightly, looking up at him. He pulled her in and squeezed her shoulder in an awkward brother-sister, one-armed hug.
“I hope it’s back for good,” he said.
“Me, too.”
29
The ballroom glittered from the crystal balls sparkling against the dimmed lighting. There were immaculately set, circular tables with place cards indicating who would sit where. Lilies rose from slender glass vases surrounded by candles making the air sweet with their scent. Soon the room would spin with two hundred attendees. For now, Addison admired her mother’s efforts alone.
“I changed the arrangements at the last minute.” Her mom approached her from behind. Addison jumped. “Sorry dear, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“They’re beautiful, Mom. The whole place looks gorgeous.” Addison smiled slightly. Her eyes lacked the twinkle of optimism they usually contained.
“Thank you.” Mrs. Reynolds looked at her daughter. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Addison replied, her voice sweet but sad.
“That didn’t sound too convincing. What’s wrong, dear?”
Addison pulled out a chair and sat. Her mom followed suit, sitting in the adjacent chair facing her.
“For once, Mom, I don’t know. Insurance will help rebuild Urbane. My newfound brother and sister are fantastic. My friends and family are safe, and Karsen’s baby is going to be okay. Everything seems to have worked out, so why do I feel so empty?”
Her mom took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Addy,” she said softly, “I think it’s because you’re lonely.”
“I’m not lonely,” she said defensively. “Especially now. If anything, my family just got bigger.”
“But they’ll be returning home tomorrow. Brad and Hanna have each other. Karsen will have the baby and what about you? What is fulfilling Addison?”
“I don’t know. I’ll reestablish Urbane.”
“Addy,” her mom stood looking down at her. Her hand reached and gently tipped her chin up slightly so their eyes met. “I think you know what you want.” She paused. “And it’s not just Urbane.” She stroked Addison’s cheek; Addison closed her eyes and soaked in her mother’s touch.
“You’ll figure it out, Addy. You always do. Now, I’ve got to finish up a few preparations before our guests start arriving. Why don’t you go get dressed?”
She kissed Addison’s forehead, turned and began walking toward the door.
“Mom?” She waited for her to look back. “Thank you for the lilies.”
Her mother smiled pleasantly. She raised her hand to her mouth and blew Addison a kiss.
“Hanna, look at all the silverware. I’m going to embarrass myself, I know it.” Karsen stared at the properly set place settings.
“You’ll be fine.”
“Have you ever seen anything like this? Makes my prom look like it was held in a barn.”
“It was in a barn,” Hanna laughed.
Karsen whacked her shoulder with her purse. “Smart ass. You’ve been hanging around with Brad too much. Think you’re a comedian now, do you?”
“Who’s been hanging on me? Oh, I mean around…” Brad popped out of nowhere and slid his arms around Hanna’s waist from behind. He lowered his face to her neck. “Mmm you smell good.”
“Addison bought us a new perfume while we were out shopping. It’s called Sexy. You like it?”
“What’s not to like?”
“Ick. I can’t wait until you two get out of the PDA phase,” Karsen teased.
“I second that.” Addison approached, her appearance significantly changed from the casual jeans and sweater she’d worn earlier. Her hair was pulled into a loose up-do that flawlessly framed her face. She wore a deep garnet satin gown that plunged deep enough to be tastefully seductive. The girls’ mouths dropped noticing the six-carat diamond choker gracing her neck.
“Unbelievable!” Hanna said, feeling as though she was standing next to a movie star on Oscar night.
“Hi, Addy. You do look hot,” Brad interjected. “If you weren’t my sister...” He was stopped by the sharp jab in his side. “Ouch, Hanna.” They all burst out laughing.
Addison touched her necklace. “This may be expensive but…” She reached into her dress and pulled her puzzle necklace out from where it was tucked inside, “…this is priceless.”
Karsen pulled Addison into a strong embrace. Addison closed her eyes. It felt open, honest. She couldn’t remember when she allowed herself to feel a pure connection such as this. Maybe her emotional walls could be torn down after all.
She opened her eyes and blinked, noticing the man standing just past the ballroom’s entrance. His back was facing her, but the familiar silhouette caught her attention. Karsen felt her shudder.
“
You okay?” Karsen asked.
Addison pulled back and tucked the charm back in her dress.
“Not sure.”
She continued to stare across the room. Karsen turned to see what she was looking at. The man looked toward them. He was dressed in a black tuxedo with a dark gray bow tie and matching vest. A row of black buttons polished off the shirt. Karsen thought for an older man he was devastatingly handsome.
“You know him?” Karsen asked.
“You could say that.” Addison recalled the conversation with her mother regarding sending him an invitation. She knew there was a possibility he’d attend. She figured it would be the same old routine as when she ran into any other ex. She had not anticipated her reaction. Her adrenaline soared, constricting her chest and clouding her thoughts. She couldn’t decide whether she wanted to stay or flee.
He caught her gaze from across the room. Her face remained blank. He strode toward her. With each step her heart skipped. Could she let him in? Would he still want her to?
“Addison,” he greeted her, leaning in to kiss her cheek.
“Hello, Russell.” She tried to sound indifferent in an effort to evaluate his feelings before she breached any unforeseen boundaries. An uncomfortable tension filled the air as the others looked on.
“You look radiant.”
“Thank you.”
They both stood silently for a moment.
“Russell, this is my sister, Karsen.” Karsen shook his hand. “And this is my brother, Brad, and his girlfriend, Hanna.”
“Hi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Brad extended his hand to shake. Russell grabbed it firmly, looking at Addison perplexed.
“Hi.” Hanna held her hand up in acknowledgment.
“Perhaps you’d like to get yourself a drink and then maybe we could talk outside?” Addison suggested. He looked at her with a guarded expression that she couldn’t read.
“All right. Would you like anything? Glass of merlot perhaps?”
“That would be lovely, Russell. Thank you.”
He nodded, then swiveled around and headed to the bar.
“Nice,” said Hanna, once Russell was far enough removed from earshot.
“He’s hot. Way to go, Addison,” Karsen added.