Why? Why was he getting this all wrong?
“It’s not an issue now,” I replied. I could feel my cheeks burning from embarrassment, and I glanced over at the girls to make sure they weren’t following our discussion. “I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
He shrugged. “If it was bothering you, then don’t apologise.”
I cursed internally. I didn’t want to have this discussion. I was too tired for it. It was almost ten o’clock anyway, and at least thirty minutes after I had planned to leave.
“I should go,” I sighed. “I’ve got an early start tomorrow.”
“Okay,” James said. “I’ll drive you.”
“It’s fine. I drove myself.”
I hated that I was so disappointed for the fact. Rationally, I should want to run as fast as I could from him, but I actually wished now that I could stay. With him. Stupid Alice.
“Then I’ll walk you to your car,” he replied.
We both stood and his hand rested on my lower back.
“See you, Maria, Nina, I’m off,” I called across the table. “Please tell the Hamilton boys that I said goodbye.”
“Ciao, Alice.” Maria smiled. “We will talk tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
Nina waved. “Good to see you again, Alice.”
I waved back and turned to let James guide me out. We walked in silent unison, and I stole the occasional glance at him from the corner of my eye. My heart thumped unevenly with our footfalls. I could feel the two parts of myself internally in battle. I could feel the rational side telling me to go. I could feel the irrational side pulling me to stay. I wanted to cry because I wanted to listen to the irrational side. I wanted James to ask me to stay.
He didn’t.
“Goodnight, Alice,” James whispered as we reached my car. He leant down to kiss my cheek and stepped back before I could act, or react, to the gesture.
“Good—bye,” I answered quietly.
He smiled and returned inside.
I watched him go.
Again.
Chapter 6
Broken
My heart hurt and I couldn’t sleep. I knew that now I had something to lose and it scared me. It scared me a lot because I knew that I was surely going to lose it. I was even given the courtesy of an end date. A part of me wished that I was stronger, so I could walk away now and save myself the inevitable heartache that was coming. But I couldn’t, I knew that I couldn’t. It was like sinking in quicksand, and inch by inch I began to accept it. Even though, stupidly, I still hoped that I was mistaken and I would be saved. I wasn’t.
“You need to tell him, Alice,” Maria whispered as she followed me around The Red Chandelier on Tuesday morning. She had felt bad that I’d left so suddenly from dinner the night before, so fronted up first thing to check on me.
“I can’t, Maria. I can’t risk it. I’ll lose him sooner,” I answered. I had already made up my mind. My sleepless night allowed me to think through all the options on what I could live with, and what I couldn’t live without. I concluded that anticipating the pain was better than feeling the actual pain of loss… even if it was only delaying it.
“But he told you, to be honest with him,” she reminded me. “He does not want to see you hurt.”
I sighed. “Well, he won’t have to see me hurt. He’ll be gone by then.”
Maria frowned. “I do not want to see you hurt.”
“It’s a double-edged sword. I’ll be hurt with or without him. Either way, I’d prefer to have him in my life.”
“I think you are making a big mistake.”
“You thought that from the beginning.”
“Was I not correct?”
She had me there.
**
“You don’t seem like your cheery self today,” Tyler noted on his visit. I had given up on keeping the smokescreen of a smile. I was too exhausted and too defeated.
“My cheery self,” I repeated and wondered when I last felt anything like that. Was I ever cheery? That didn’t sound much like me.
“I miss your smile,” he said. “It makes your eyes twinkle.”
I huffed as I continued my task of restocking some of the soft toys in the kid’s department. Tyler was picking up every third one I put down and squeezing it.
“Can you stop that please,” I said.
“Stop what? Complimenting you, or strangling the toys?”
I grabbed the bunny from his hands and put it back on the shelf. “Both.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re hurting the toys, and the compliments are unnecessary.”
“The toys don’t actually have feelings you know, Alice,” he said with a smile. He leant towards me and picked up a red dragon, and his sudden proximity made me uncomfortable. “And as for the compliments, they are completely necessary if they remind you of how gorgeous you are. All girls should be reminded of that, especially girls who are as stunning as you.”
I stared at him, then exhaled and took the dragon from him. “You’re going to be late for work.”
“I have the day off today,” he answered.
I groaned internally because that meant he was probably never going to leave.
“Well, I bet you’ve got a lot more exciting things to do on your day off,” I said. “If I had the day off, I wouldn’t spend it in a home store.”
“It’s not as dull as you make it sound. Besides, I get to see you. That’s kind of exciting.”
“You’ve got to stop that, Tyler. Seriously.”
He smiled. “Why?”
“Because you make me uncomfortable the way you speak to me sometimes,” I replied.
“Why?”
“Because you know that I don’t think about you that way.”
He flicked his hair from his eyes. “You do think about me that way, Alice. You just haven’t realised it yet.”
“No, you’re wrong.”
“How would you know? You’ve never given me the chance.”
I shook my head. “Tyler.”
“Alice.” He smiled. He did have a great smile, there was no denying that.
“Good morning, all,” James announced, making me jump. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m James, Alice’s friend from high school.”
Tyler’s jaw hardened and I rolled my eyes.
“Tyler,” he answered. “I’m Alice’s friend from now.”
I watched as they shook hands a little more violently than was necessary.
“Right, I think she’s mentioned you.” James nodded. “You’re the junior who hangs around her all the time.”
Tyler flinched and then he looked at me before releasing James’ hand with force.
“Funny how she’s never mentioned you,” he said.
James laughed mockingly and even I wanted to smack him.
“James, what brings you by?” I asked.
“I actually came by to check that you were okay since you seemed a little down last night at dinner,” he said.
Tyler looked like he’d just taken a punch.
“Um, yeah, I’m—I’m fine.” I nodded. “Thanks.”
James smiled and tucked a piece of hair back behind my ear. “Will you let me take you to lunch?”
“I don’t stop for lunch for another hour,” I replied. I was fully aware that he was putting on a show for Tyler, and I resented it, even if I liked how straightforward he was being.
James shrugged. “I can wait.”
“Well, I’m going to go,” Tyler said, stepping forward to force James back from me. “I hope that whatever was upsetting you this morning knows that it’s not wanted.”
I ignored his jibe back at James.
“Thanks for stopping by, Tyler,” I answered. “Enjoy your day off.”
He nodded. “And don’t forget what I said. I’m always here.”
“Thanks.”
Tyler shot a steely glare at James before leaving.
James laughed. “Wow, he really is
a puppy, isn’t he?”
“James, please leave Tyler alone. He’s harmless,” I murmured, continuing my toy-task with more vigour.
James folded his arms. “He really came in to see you on his day off? That’s a little desperate isn’t it?”
“It’s kind of thoughtful actually.”
“I thought you didn’t like him hanging around?”
I stopped and sighed. “What is it that you want, James? To torment him? Well, mission accomplished.”
His eyebrows lifted. “You’re getting a little defensive over the kid.”
“This is not a game to him,” I answered. “He genuinely cares about me.”
“And I don’t?”
“Do you?”
“You need to ask?”
“Yes, I do, because sometimes I don’t know what you think about me,” I replied. “At least Tyler makes his intentions clear.”
James frowned. “You know where things stand between us. We set the guidelines before—”
I exhaled incredulously. “Guidelines? Really?”
“What?” he asked. “Am I wrong?”
“No. You’re absolutely right.”
“So, lunch?”
I shook my head. “Just tell me one thing, James. Do you care about me? I mean, really care?”
“Of course I care about you, Alice,” he answered with a shrug. “We’re friends.”
“Friends,” I whispered, nodding. “Right, but you said yourself that you won’t even miss me when you leave. You kiss me one moment and ignore me the next, and another thing, not once have you ever given me any kind of compliment.”
James sighed. “Right, friends. Not dating.”
That’s all he’d taken from my monologue?
“Wow, you are such a jerk that you don’t even see that there is a certain amount of courtesy that comes with friendship,” I said and could feel my cheeks burning with anger. “And to be honest, if that’s how you treat your friends, then I don’t even want to be that.”
He stared at me. “What do you want from me, Alice? Because I’m gone in a month, so if you want someone to pine for you, then go out with that kid who follows you around, because that’s not what I’m offering.”
I felt as if he had reached into my chest and pulled out my beating heart.
“Okay, well, I thought I could do this, but I can’t,” I said as I blinked back tears. I didn’t realise that I had said the words until they were too late to take back.
“Fine, we’ll put some ice on it then,” James replied. “Better we stop this now before anyone gets hurt.”
Before anyone gets hurt. Before anyone gets hurt. I felt like I was dying, and I wondered how I could still stand when my heart was no longer beating. Was it possible to live without it? Maybe. Apparently.
I nodded slowly. “Right.”
James smiled. How on earth could he be smiling when I was dying right in front of him? Why couldn’t he see that I was in an unfathomable amount of pain?
“No hard feelings,” he said.
“No,” I whispered. I sounded as if I was being choked.
Maybe there were no hard feelings, but there were certainly hurt feelings. My heart was cracking; it had cracked, and it was beyond broken. I tried to smile through it, but I couldn’t seem to tell my lips to move, and the worst thing of all was that for some ridiculous reason beyond comprehension, I still flipping loved him. I loved James Butler, even if he was the only boy who knew how to break my heart and had the courage to do it repeatedly without flinching. Stupid Alice.
“Raincheck on lunch then,” he said with a sigh. It was the final twist of the knife.
I just nodded because I couldn’t find my voice. Maybe that had gone too. Maybe it had been taken or ripped out. I felt as if I had nothing left.
James took a step back. “I’ll see you, Potter.”
Not goodbye, because James never said goodbye.
He didn’t wait for a response before turning and walking away. I cried empty tears and he walked away from me… again, and for what would most likely be the last time.
I hated him.
No.
I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate him so he could feel even a pinch of the enormity of the hurt that was balled up inside of me and starting to ooze from my every pore.
I hated that I loved him and I hated the effect that he had on me. I hated that, even when I had it all together, he could still make me lose control with just a smile.
I hated him for not letting me let him go, and for returning to my life after it felt like I’d only just gotten over him. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it again, and if I was honest, I didn’t want to. I wanted him to fight for me, but maybe happy endings only happened if the story finished prematurely, otherwise, it was just an ending, and endings were never happy. Life wasn’t like that, and James wasn’t like that. James and I were never written in the stars, we couldn’t be because we never really existed in the same world. Guys like him did not end up with girls like me because it upset the balance of the universe, defied the gods, and gave karma a reason for being. If girls like me got the guys like James, something would need to happen to right the wrong and tip the balance back.
As much as I loved him, and as much as my heart physically ached when I thought about never being with him, I knew that it was probably better this way. It had to be. I didn’t want to be responsible for the consequences, and I didn’t want James to blame me for his life going wrong. So, even if I didn’t want to live if living meant being without him, I would do it. I had to.
Life wasn’t fair.
**
My day did not improve, and to make matters worse, I had my job interview after work for Checkerboard, the interior design company. I didn’t feel like selling myself because I didn’t feel like there was anything left to sell. So, needless to say, it did not go well.
I wished that I could start the day again and that James had never come by this morning. I wished that maybe I’d waited until another time to be honest with him, or better still, that I could take it all back and re-script the entire conversation. Or, better still, I wished that I could find someone else to love, someone who wanted me, and who loved me back. If that someone also happened to appreciate me and was there for me without me having to ask, or making me feel bad for wanting it, that would certainly be a bonus.
A part of me wished that Tyler was the one I was in love with. It would certainly make everything easier for everyone if I did. As I drove home from my disastrous interview after work, I considered what Tyler had said, what seemed like several hours ago now. That maybe I could love him. Maybe I just needed to be open to it and give him the chance. Maybe…
I didn’t see Maria until the next day when she dropped by mid-morning. She wanted to see how everything went and apologised profusely for not calling the night before. Apparently, she had been on the evening shift at work, and I felt guilty that I hadn’t noticed her absence. She said she had spoken to Scott this morning but hadn’t mentioned anything about James. I wondered if James had told Scott about what I’d said, and that Scott had just kept the information from Maria. Or maybe I wasn’t even worth the mention. No great loss, just more hurt that wasn’t recorded.
“Alice?” Maria prompted. “What is wrong?”
Crap, she was still here? I pressed my fingers to my puffy eyes. I hadn’t really slept last night since every time I closed my eyes, the what ifs plagued my mind.
“Nothing,” I lied.
She stared at me and I exhaled. It was useless keeping anything from Maria.
“I told James that I couldn’t do whatever we were doing anymore,” I said.
“Chè? Perchè?” she stuttered, then shook her head. “I mean, what? Why?”
I shrugged. “I really didn’t mean to, but he… he was going on about Tyler being a puppy around me, then I got defensive because he never acts like he likes me… then I just said I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stop myself
from saying it.”
Maria pouted. “Maybe it is for the best, no?”
“No.”
She rubbed my arm and I guessed it was intended to soothe me, but it didn’t. “For a minute I thought it was because the interview went bad.”
I frowned deeper.
“Oh no, Alice,” she said. “Why did you not say?”
I shook my head. “I’ve messed everything up.”
“No.”
“I wish I could just have a do-over of yesterday. I, I’d…”
I didn’t know what I’d do. Would I have done anything differently? Maybe I would, given the benefit of hindsight, but hindsight was a science.
“You will have other job opportunities,” she answered. “And you and James are still friends, no? You have not lost him for good.”
“Maybe, I don’t know.” I frowned. “So, how are you and Scott going?”
The mention of his name made her eyes light up.
“Good,” she replied with a nod. She was clearly underplaying it.
“Just good?”
“It is weird, no?” she sighed. “I have not known him long, yet it feels like forever. I have not ever felt this way before, Alice. I want to smile for no reason. I am not scared of the future anymore. Not if I am with him.”
Even in my depressed state, I was happy for her. She was happy and she deserved it.
“Sounds perfect,” I whispered. “He seems like a nice guy.”
“Si,” she said with a smile.
I bit my lip.
“Maybe you should go home, Alice, you look a little pale.”
“It’s been a long week,” I mumbled.
Maria laughed. “It is only Wednesday.”
“Right.”
“At least let me cook for you tonight,” she said pinching my chin. “I will tell Scott to have a boy’s night, so we can have a girl’s night.”
“Sure,” I replied. “I think that’s just what I need.”
Maria smiled and her eyes warily appraised my face. I wondered what she saw, and then decided I didn’t want to know.
“Mamma mia, is that the time?” She shrieked. “I need to be at work. I have the lunch shift. Dear me.”
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