I drew in a breath and forced an unnatural feeling smile. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“Keep your chin up,” she answered, drawing me into a tight hug. “Ti amo.”
“Love you too.”
“I will see you tonight. We will have fun.”
I nodded. “Can’t wait.”
She flashed a parting smile and turned, and her glorious chocolate-brown mane fell down her back in loose curls. She was the epitome of European beauty. I wondered if I looked more like Maria, then James would want me more. From memory, Jacinta was a brunette, or at least not nearly as blonde as I was. Maybe he just didn’t find me attractive. Maybe it had been a losing game from the beginning.
I scratched my head and brushed my hair back from my face. Any other day, I might have gone to the trouble of straightening it, but today I just didn’t have the energy to. Who was I trying to impress anyway?
“Hey, Alice,” Tyler said cheerfully. “Your friend not here today?”
I sighed. “Maria just left.”
“I meant the guy who was here yesterday.”
“Oh.” James. “No.”
He nodded. “So you two are…?”
“We’re just friends,” I answered flatly. My answer sounded more like a question than his question. I hated that it almost was a question. I didn’t know what James and I were now. I didn’t even know if I’d ever see him again.
“Good,” Tyler answered. “He’s not nearly good enough to be more to you.”
I frowned. “You don’t even know him, Tyler.”
My voice sounded dull, flat, hopeless.
“I know enough about him to know that you at least deserve someone who makes you smile.” He shrugged. “That guy doesn’t make you smile. In fact, yesterday you looked a bit…”
My eyebrows lifted. “A bit?”
“A bit like you do now. A bit defeated.”
“Well, you can rest assured that we’re not—he’s not… we’re not like that.”
I picked up a nearby clipboard and began weaving in and out of furniture.
“I could make you smile, Alice,” he continued, following me. I guess he was kind of like a puppy.
“I’m sure you could,” I sighed.
“Seriously,” he replied, catching my arm.
I dropped my head back and turned around.
“Tyler, are we really going to have this same tired conversation again?” I asked.
“I’ll stop asking if you say you’ll give me a chance. Just one chance.”
I drew in a breath and let it out. The words that James had said were running through my mind on repeat: “if you want someone to pine for you, then go out with that kid who follows you around, because that’s not what I’m offering.”
Did I want someone to pine after me? Someone who wasn’t James? Someone who was Tyler?
Tyler seemed to read my hesitation as encouragement and took advantage of the pause in the conversation.
“Just one date,” he said. “If you go and you’re not into it, then I’ll leave you alone. Come on, what do you have to lose?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “This. If I give you a chance, and it doesn’t work out, I’ll lose this – you as my friend, Tyler. Things will change between us, and maybe it’s selfish of me, but I don’t want to lose someone else in my life.”
I frowned as the words came out since it was true that people always seemed to leave me. Like ships, coming and going from the port to the sea.
“What are you talking about, Alice?” Tyler answered. “We’ll still be friends.”
“You say that now.”
“I say that always. Even if it hurts, I’d rather stay just friends with you than lose your awesomeness altogether.”
I huffed and Tyler smiled. My eyes lifted to his dark coffee-coloured eyes and he stared back. I didn’t feel anything but friendship for him, but maybe… could I? Could he ever be someone that I wanted in the same way that I wanted James? Maybe if this was a John Hughes movie. But this wasn’t a John Hughes movie, this was real life.
“So is that a yes?” he asked.
I’d almost forgotten that he was still waiting for an answer. I could hardly remember the question.
“Friday night,” he said. “I’ll take you out for dinner and a movie, and we can just hang out away from here.”
“Friday night?” I murmured.
“Unless you’ve already got plans?”
I considered that for a moment. “No. That sounds fine.”
Tyler’s eyebrows lifted. “Really?”
“Sure.”
“Great, um, great,” he stuttered. “Friday is… great.”
“Okay.”
Tyler laughed. “Um… I should go and work… boathouse.”
“Right.”
“But Friday,” he said. “I’ll see you.”
I exhaled. “I’m sure I’ll see you before then. It’s only Wednesday.”
“Right.” He laughed again, and it sounded slightly hysterical. “I’m, I’ll, I… I’ll see you.”
He turned around and walked straight into a kitchen table setting. I mashed my lips together and raised a hand to wave. It was strange seeing someone act like a stumbling mess over me. I didn’t understand it. I was no-one special. There were plenty of other girls around who were far deserving of the attention.
I looked down at the clipboard in my hands as reality sunk in. Oh, God, what had I just agreed to? Had I just made a date with Tyler? Was I really resorting to this? Had I agreed to go on a date with a guy who was obviously smitten with me, just so I could either prove that I wasn’t interested in him or alternatively, feel better about being rejected by James?
Either way, this was a very bad idea.
**
I wanted to call James because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His face was there every time I blinked. His smile, his eyes, the way he laughed. It hurt my heart to think of him, but it was as if my brain was tuned into his frequency. I couldn’t stop, and I wanted to cry, but when I tried to give in to the urge, no tears came out, only dry whimpers. I hated it, I hated feeling like this, like he owned me, he controlled me, like my heart was literally cracking without him, and like I was nothing without him. I wondered how I had lived without him for all those years when his existence was so vital to me now. It was stupid, senseless, pointless, and very painful. I felt like I wasn’t quite whole without him now, but it didn’t quite make sense since I had survived without him before. But, now, it was like he was the beat of my heart, the thrum, the echo, the oxygen that kept me going, the life source of my being. I needed him, but I would need to learn to live without him, to survive without him, no matter what.
I was able to pass the time in the afternoon while I waited for Maria to arrive, but it consisted of a lot of unconstructive fidgeting that eventually evolved into me cleaning the entire house. When Maria arrived, she looked at me with a mixture of disapproval and sympathy. I wasn’t sure which one bothered me more.
“So did you see Scott before?” I asked. I was trying to sound casual, but maybe I was trying too hard.
Maria glanced up at me as she stirred the béchamel sauce she’d made.
“Yes, he came by the restaurant,” she said slowly. “Alice, come and stir this for me.”
I shuffled around behind the sauce. “Did Scott say anything?”
“Sure, we talked about his work, my work.”
“I see. Anything else?”
Maria sighed and began grating some cheese. “Alice, we did not talk about you or James. In fact, neither came up.”
“Oh, I didn’t—”
“Of course not,” she answered, and dropped some cheese in the sauce. “Alice, you are a beautiful girl. Many boys would be lucky to be with you and would appreciate you. Why James? What makes him so special?”
I pressed my lips together. “I don’t know, but it’s him. It’s always been him, Maria. Even when I didn’t see him, I missed him. Maybe that’s why I
never moved on because deep down I knew that he was it for me.”
She exhaled and murmured something in Italian under her breath, which sounded like mamma mia, but with more concern.
“What if you are wrong? He is leaving, Alice, he is leaving again – and then what? You need to consider that maybe he is not the only one out there for you.”
I pouted. “I can’t, Maria. I can’t explain it. I just can’t.”
“You worry me.”
“I worry myself. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.”
“There is nothing hopeless about being a romantic. It is the purest form of hope,” Maria said. It sounded more beautiful in her thick Italian dialect.
I managed a weak smile. “Well, I am, uh, I’m going out with—with Tyler on Friday night if it makes you feel any better.”
Her forehead creased. “Tyler? Is that wise?”
“No.” I laughed. “Not at all, but I figured I’d give him a chance to prove that I’m right and he’s all wrong for me.”
“Mamma mia,” she mumbled. “You are not doing so well this week.”
“I know. I need to be locked up.”
“You need to stay away from boys for a while, is what you need,” she answered.
She had a point.
“Well, I can’t cancel on him now.” I shrugged. “I guess I’ve just got to hope that it doesn’t end too badly.”
Maria drew in a breath and blessed herself. It would have been funny if it wasn’t for such a good cause. I looked down at the sauce and cursed under my breath. It had stuck to the bottom and burnt. Great. Perfect. Something else I had ruined. I was really wasn’t doing well this week.
**
I felt my chest tighten with nerves as Tyler shuffled in his seat beside me in the dark movie theatre. I was anxious that he’d make a move because I couldn’t handle it right now. Dinner had gone as expected, it had been awkward, but at least there was food as a distraction.
He had asked me on Thursday if I had a favourite place to eat, and I had told him that I was happy to decide on a place on the day. Rather than just pick a place together, he had booked us a table in a steakhouse. I suppose I should have told him beforehand that I didn’t eat meat, though it had never come up. But everywhere now served meat-free dishes, didn’t they? Well, apparently not. So, my being vegetarian had occupied a large chunk of the conversation, until it turned to work. I hadn’t realised before that Tyler ran the boathouse, I had always assumed he just worked there. But I guess it made more sense since he dictated his own hours.
From dinner, he drove us into town to the cinema. The tickets were pre-booked, and he ordered us drinks and snacks without asking me if I wanted them. I probably should have mentioned that I didn’t like cola either but it, too, had never come up. I took a sip of the sickening drink that sat in the holder and exhaled as it slid down my throat. It was wrong, it felt wrong, and I knew it from even before the film started. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy his company, it wasn’t that he was unkind, or that he was anything other than sweet and thoughtful. It was because he wasn’t James, simple as that. He wasn’t James, and I was a bad person for ever agreeing to this. I wasn’t being fair to him.
Stupid Alice.
I spent half of the movie trying to word what I was going to say to him when it ended, and the other half trying to talk myself into staying in my seat. I resisted the urge to excuse myself to the bathroom as a pretext to run home. As the film continued, the option became more and more attractive to me. I could leave. Who would stop me? No. I would stay, I needed to stay. Not for me, this wasn’t about me. This was about Tyler, and I owed him that much. I owed him an explanation.
I drew my attention back to the moving pictures on the silver screen and focused on what I was going to say to him. How was I going to let him down without sounding insensitive? Who was I kidding? I was a bad person. I knew that it would be like this, so I shouldn’t have given him hope. I was a bad person.
“Did you like the movie?” Tyler asked as the credits rolled. The feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach rose to my chest. I’d barely registered that it was ending. That it had ended. It was over.
“The movie.” I nodded. “Yeah, I…”
Tyler laughed. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just going to say it.”
“Say what?”
The three giggling girls and two guys who had been sitting up from us squeezed down the aisle.
I exhaled. “We should go outside.”
Tyler smiled. “Lead the way.”
I gathered my bag and jacket and headed up the stairs and out into the lobby.
“So what’s up?” Tyler asked. “Is something wrong?”
“This was weird,” I blurted out. It wasn’t quite what I had been rehearsing, but I settled for it anyway. Direct was good.
Tyler chuckled. “What was?”
“This, you and me. It was weird, Tyler. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. It was just weird. I, I, I guess I just can’t get past the fact that you’re younger and, I mean, I really enjoy your company, but it was just…”
“Weird?” he offered.
I nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You gave it a shot.”
“Yeah.”
“I actually really enjoyed myself.” He shrugged. “I mean, it was fun just hanging out.”
My forehead creased. “Absolutely, it was fun, I had… fun.”
His smile wavered. “You don’t sound so sure.”
“No, I am. I just feel horrible about it all. You went to so much trouble, and I messed it all up.”
“You didn’t mess anything up. Relax, Alice.”
“Okay,” I sighed, fidgeting again.
Tyler glanced at my hands. “Why don’t I take you home? I bet you’re tired after working all day.”
“It has been a long day.”
He lifted his hand and gestured for me to lead the way. I took a few steps and stopped, turning to give him the best smile I could manage.
“Thank you, Tyler,” I said. “I mean, thanks for understanding.”
Tyler looked down. He didn’t speak, but he didn’t need to, so I frowned at my feet and guided them down the cinema steps to the cool night air.
I had been wrong, and it was written all over his face. Tyler didn’t understand, and I shouldn’t have expected him to. I was a bad person, and I had messed everything up.
Chapter 7
Alone
I hadn’t heard from James for almost a week, and it felt like an eternity. It might as well have been. Maria never brought him up when I spoke to her anymore, but hearing Scott’s name was as good as hearing her say James.
James.
I missed him, but at least one positive thing that had come out of this was that I had a greater understanding of love. I thought I knew what it meant before to love someone, to want to be with them, and be loved by them, but I was wrong. I never used to understand the expression of loving someone and setting them free, because I didn’t see the point of loving them and not having them. I understood now – I didn’t like it, but I understood.
I loved James more than I could fathom, and it was because I loved him that I wanted him to love me for the right reasons. I didn’t want him to be tricked into being with me, I didn’t want him to be with me just because I was there. I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him, and no less. I wouldn’t settle for anything less, so it had been a good thing that we parted when we did, I think, it was healthier. But that wasn’t to say that it wasn’t hard to get through the day because some days felt impossible. Nevertheless, I survived, and then a new day started, and I did it all over again. Still living, still breathing, impossibly so.
One week… one and a half… two weeks… I could feel it. I could feel my heart withering as if it knew that he was almost gone forever.
It wasn’t long now.
**
Tyler stopped by my work a few times, though no
t as often as he did. I wondered whether I’d done the right thing with the date because a part of me missed his attention, but I had to be true to myself and my heart. I owed him that.
At the end of the second week that James and I had been apart, Tyler came by and asked me to have coffee with him. It was about the time I stopped for my lunch, so I agreed. I’d missed his companionship if nothing else.
“So, how are things going with you?” he asked with a smile. He seemed to have an air of ease about him as if he was walking on sunshine. I envied Tyler’s zest for life, and for love.
“Oh, you know.” I shrugged. I had gotten quite good at avoiding questions and sidestepping answers, either that, or Maria and Tyler had just let me believe that I was successful in my evasion.
“No, I don’t,” he replied. “That’s why I asked.”
“Things have been, uh, tough. But I’m doing okay.”
“Are you?”
I could see in his face that he didn’t believe me. Apparently, I wasn’t doing quite as well at fooling people as they had me believe.
I smiled tightly. “I’m surviving.”
“If you call that living,” he answered.
“I’m alive. Sometimes that’s all the living I can handle.”
He looked down at his hands. “I started seeing someone.”
“Really?” I asked. My voice sounded hollow.
“Yeah, her name is Emily,” he said. “I think you’d like her.”
“If you do, then I’m sure I would.”
He smiled. “So, are you still seeing that guy? What was his name? Dave? Nick? Justin?”
“James,” I replied. His name sounded strange said aloud. I hadn’t spoken it in so long, it nearly lodged in my throat.
“Right, James.” He nodded. “That’s the one.”
“Um, no. I haven’t seen h—him in a couple of weeks. Since, um, since you met him actually.”
Tyler frowned. “I thought you two were close. You seemed close, well, he made it seem like you were close.”
“I guess we were,” I mumbled. “But he’s, um, he’s leaving soon. He’s going to Europe.”
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