“It’s cool if you don’t want to talk about it.”
I forced a smile. “If that’s all the same to you, I don’t.”
Tyler chuckled. “Sure, I don’t even like the guy.”
I took a sip of my peppermint tea, then glanced around at the faces in the café. I heard the voice before I saw who spoke.
“Alice?”
I looked up. “Victoria.”
Victoria Butler.
“Oh my gosh, Alice! How long has it been?” she gushed. She leant over and awkwardly hugged me whilst I was still seated in the booth.
“A few years,” I answered. “Probably about three.”
“Well, I had a feeling I’d see you soon when James said that you and he were in touch again.” She smiled. “I’m so glad that you two are finally seeing each other.”
“Were,” I corrected. “When did you speak to him last?”
She blinked, then frowned. Her dark blonde hair flopped as her head tipped.
“I spoke to him a couple of days ago,” she replied. “Why? What happened?”
Typical James.
“Uh, hi,” Tyler interrupted.
Victoria looked up. “Oh, hello.”
“I’m Tyler,” he said, with a wave.
“Victoria,” she said. She was about as warm towards him as James had been.
Butler pride.
“How do you two know each other?” Tyler asked.
I spun my mug between my fingers. “Victoria is James’ sister.”
“Oh,” he said. “Of course, the family resemblance is rather striking.”
I huffed at his expression, but Victoria was still frowning. She looked back to me.
“Alice, I’m confused, why are you not seeing James anymore?” she asked. “When did this happen? What did he do this time?”
I glanced at Tyler awkwardly. I didn’t want to have this conversation at all, never mind in the middle of my workplace, with Tyler here, and other witnesses. I just didn’t want to admit that James didn’t want me.
Victoria slid into the booth opposite me, and next to Tyler. Tyler frowned as he shuffled along to give her space. I felt like I was on trial.
“Well, I…” I started, then bit my lip. “He really only told you a couple of days ago that we were still seeing each other?”
Victoria nodded eagerly. “Yeah, a couple of days.”
“We haven’t spoken in weeks.”
“Weeks?” she exclaimed. Tyler and I both jumped at her outburst.
“Um, yeah, weeks,” I mumbled. It felt like years, or maybe decades.
“What did he do?” she groaned. “I’m going to kill him.”
“Please don’t.”
“Oh, I will. What happened, Alice?”
I shook my head. “We just decided that maybe it would, um, be easier if we cooled things since he’s leaving soon.”
She scoffed. “Cooled things. Leaving soon. He’s a complete idiot to let you slip through his fingers.”
“That’s what I said,” Tyler added.
Victoria looked at him as if she’d forgotten he was there. She turned back to me.
“How can we fix it?” she asked. “You two are so good together. You need to give him another shot.”
“Victoria,” I sighed. My head was shaking.
“Alice.” She pouted. “Don’t sit there and tell me that you’re not still as head over heels for him now as you were in high school. Only this time, that cow Jacinta isn’t in the way.”
I felt my cheeks flush. Was I that obvious? I didn’t think I was. But, apparently, James was the only one oblivious to my feelings towards him.
“Victoria, just leave it.”
Tyler frowned at me. “You’ve been crushing on this guy since high school? What is his problem?”
Victoria smirked at Tyler, then looked back to me.
“Don’t miss this opportunity!” she said. “You’re both finally single.”
My head was still shaking. “But he’s leaving.”
Victoria rolled her eyes. “He’s not gone yet, Alice!”
“Well, I’m done making the first move, I’m just done. It shouldn’t be so hard to be with someone. If he’s interested in me, he knows where I am.”
Tyler huffed. “I hate it when chicks do that. How are we supposed to know if you’re interested in us? Why are we the ones who need to put ourselves on the line? Rejection sucks for guys too, you know.”
“That didn’t stop you from keeping on at me,” I replied, and then felt horrible for it. “Sorry, that was rude.”
“But true.” He shrugged. “I guess some people are worth the chance.”
I looked down. “I just want to be worth it for him. Is that too much to ask?”
“No,” Victoria said. “My brother is a fool.”
“Look, I—I’ve accepted that he’s not interested in me like that,” I murmured. “And I’m okay with it. I—I can live with it. I can live without him. I’ve done it before.”
I almost forgot that I was talking aloud. I wished that I hadn’t been.
“You really love him, huh?” Victoria asked. It didn’t sound much like a question.
“N-no.” I shrugged. “I mean, sure, I like him, but who said anything about love?”
Victoria and Tyler exchanged a look that made my cheeks burn.
“But whatever, he’s leaving in a fortnight, so it doesn’t really matter what I feel. It’s done,” I said, then cleared my throat. “But how are you going anyway, Victoria? J-James said that you were seeing someone? He’s a journalist or something?”
My stutter over his name made Victoria and Tyler exchange another look, but Victoria perked up at the chance to talk about herself.
“Brendan, yeah.” She smiled. “He’s studying broadcast journalism at South Coast University.”
“That’s great,” I sighed. I was just glad to have the spotlight away from me. “So things are good? How’s school?”
I wasn’t sure if I was overselling it. The look that Tyler gave me told me I was, but Victoria didn’t seem to notice.
“School is great. Like, the whole learning thing gets in the way, but whatever.” She giggled. “I’ve got exams coming up soon though, ugh.”
I laughed and glanced at my watch. There were still seven minutes left on my break, but I was too frightened to stay and risk any more questions about James.
James. God, I missed him. I wondered what I did with myself before him, and what I thought about. Even when I told myself to let him go, he monopolised my thoughts. I suppose when someone tells you not to think about something, that’s exactly what you can’t stop thinking about.
“I need to get back,” I said.
“Oh, do you have to?” Victoria pouted, reaching out her hand. I took it and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. I’d always liked James’ sister, even if sometimes she was a bit of a drama queen.
I smiled at her. “Some of us have to work for a living.”
“Work? What is that?”
I laughed, and Tyler laughed louder. Victoria glanced at him and pulled a face.
“Well, Victoria, it was nice to catch up,” I replied. “Good luck with your exams.”
“Ugh, thanks. We should catch up for real soon though. Maybe we can do lunch, or shopping, or something.”
“Sure.” I nodded. I didn’t want to make concrete plans because Victoria reminded me too much of James. They even have the same eyes.
“Thanks for lunch, Tyler,” I said to him.
“Anytime,” he replied. “Actually, I should go too.”
Victoria made a noise of inconvenience as she slid out the booth. While she was standing, she leant over and gave me a hug.
“I really hope that you and my brother work things out,” she whispered in my ear. “I’ve always wanted a sister, and you’d be perfect.”
My heart felt like someone had shot an arrow into it. I couldn’t think of James and I as being anything, never mind having any kind of perman
ent relationship. Not possible, not happening, he didn’t want me, he didn’t love me.
I pulled back and smiled at her. It was all I could manage because I wanted to cry.
Victoria looked at Tyler. “Bye. Nice to, uh, meet you.”
Tyler’s eyebrows lifted. “Likewise.”
She pressed her lips together and flitted off, like a dragonfly skimming over the water.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you later, Tyler,” I said.
He nodded and looked like he wanted to say something else. He opened his mouth twice but didn’t make a sound.
I rolled my eyes. “Spit it out.”
“What?”
“Whatever you want to say, but don’t want to. Just do it, rip the band-aid off.”
He bit his lip. “I think you’re awesome, Alice. You know that.”
I laughed. “Well, okay, that’s not as bad as I thought—”
“But this guy, this James character, I don’t think… he doesn’t deserve you,” he whispered. “He doesn’t appreciate you. You shouldn’t waste your time on him.”
I shook my head. “Tyler, please, I—”
“No, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but just hear me out,” he said, then paused. “I don’t think you should waste your time, but if you do, like, love him, and if he will make you happy, then I think Malibu Barbie is right.”
“What?”
“You can’t let it go. Don’t let him go without speaking up,” Tyler said, and then sighed. “If you’ve wanted someone, like, really wanted him for as long as you have wanted this guy, then you’ve got to take the leap or you’ll regret it later. Trust me, it might suck to be turned down, but it sucks more to wonder.”
Everything he was saying made sense, but I still felt like I couldn’t do it to myself anymore.
“Tyler,” I sighed. “I understand what you’re saying, but you don’t know James the way I do. You don’t know the situation.”
“Okay, you’re right.” He shrugged. “But seriously, what have you got to lose? The guy is leaving anyway.”
Everything, I had everything to lose.
“I’ll think about it.” I nodded. “But I know he doesn’t think of me that way.”
Tyler laughed and the sound startled me.
“Alice,” he said. “He wouldn’t have made any effort to be with you at all if he didn’t think you were worth it.”
That gave me some hope, but hope wasn’t helpful. I almost wished he hadn’t said anything because I was gripping onto those words with everything I had. I glanced at my watch again, I was now over my half hour.
“I’ll let you go,” Tyler said. “But good luck with things, okay?”
“Thanks,” I sighed. “You’re a good friend.”
He smiled, and the smile was not sad as it used to be. Now it was cheery and genuine, it was happy. Tyler was happy with Emily. Good.
**
I returned to work and searched for tasks that needed doing that would require my brain to focus, rather than churning around what Victoria and Tyler had said. But this was retail, and nothing ever needed doing around here that required much thought. So, my mind wandered, rehashing over old ground.
What if.
Maybe.
Perhaps.
One day.
If only.
It was no good. No matter what I did, I couldn’t change the facts. But, did I really want to? I would never be the girl who begged someone to love me, just because I loved them. It sucked that James didn’t love me, but I would never cry and mope over why James he didn’t. Love isn’t something you could force, and why would you want to force it? It broke my heart that he didn’t want me, that he didn’t need me, or didn’t think of me. It hurt that I was always the one who tried to keep us together when all I wanted was to be remembered and to be thought of first, to be appreciated. As I thought about it, I considered that I might be alone forever if I couldn’t be with him. What if I never got over him? I couldn’t fake it with anyone else unless maybe it got easier in time. That was all I could hope for.
Two weeks.
James was leaving in two weeks, that’s all that I had to get through, because after that, there would be no trace of him in South Coast, no bumping into him, no surprise visits, nothing.
Emptiness.
So why did the thought make me feel worse? I understood and appreciated what Tyler had said about wanting to stay friends, even if I didn’t want him back. Maybe it was harder to live without someone than to live with unrequited feelings. Maybe if the situation was different, and James wasn’t leaving the country, I would try and keep in contact with him.
But he was leaving, so I needed to get used to him not being around. As much as the mere concept caused me physical pain, I just needed to get through each day of the next two weeks one at a time. That’s all that was required.
I could do that.
**
“Did you ever hear back about the interior design job?” Maria asked that evening. She had a rare Friday night off from the restaurant, and Scott had something on. She didn’t go into details, and I didn’t ask. We had a mutual understanding now.
I flushed at the memory of that horrible day. “Yeah, it was one of the nicest rejection letters I’ve ever received.”
She frowned. “Alice, no.”
“I was bad in the interview.” I shrugged. “I wouldn’t have hired me either.”
“Caro me,” she muttered. “What are you going to do?”
“There’s nothing really I can do. I guess I just go on as I have been.”
She pulled a face, which made me question how I had been lately. I didn’t think I had been that bad.
“You need to have direction,” she said. “You cannot waste your life away at that place.”
“I have direction.”
“Oh?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know right now, Maria. Gosh, don’t tell me that working in that restaurant isn’t beneath you either.”
“Ah, but I have direction,” she replied, lifting her index finger into the air. “I have plans.”
I folded my arms. “Really? You have plans?”
“Si.”
“Care to share?”
Her liquid chocolate eyes widened as if she had said too much. It made me nervous.
“I am planning—we are planning, Scott and I—to go to Italy, so I can cook in my zio’s restaurant in Toscana.”
My heart sank lower in my chest. “You’re moving to Tuscany? When?”
“Soon, we think.”
My forehead felt permanently creased. “How soon?”
“One month, maybe two.”
“Wow.” I frowned. Maria was going to leave with Scott, James was leaving, my father was gone. I would be alone, completely and utterly alone, again. People always leave.
What was wrong with me?
“I have been waiting for the right time to tell you,” she said. “But when is the right time to say goodbye to my best friend, my family?”
I felt the tears coming, and I didn’t bother to stop them. They trickled down my cheek to my chin and dripped onto my chest. This was all too much.
“I—I’m—I,” I tried to speak, but I couldn’t find the words. Maria had said that there was no right time to say goodbye, but there were no right words either. Nothing fit.
“I am sorry, Alice.” She pouted, her glorious eyes brimming with tears. “I do not know what to say.”
I shook my head. “You need to do what’s right for you. I understand that you miss your family, and it’s a great—” my voice broke so I cleared my throat, “great opportunity.”
She pressed her plump lips together and nodded, then shuffled over to hug me.
“You know,” she murmured. “Ti amo, Alice.”
“I love you too.” I sniffled. “I’m really going to miss you, badly.”
“I will write, and you can visit anytime.”
We parted.
“What’s Scott
going to do? Isn’t he in business with—with Logan?” I asked. I hadn’t thought about Logan in a couple of weeks, my mind had been preoccupied with James.
James.
My heart stumbled.
“He does not matter,” she answered, and then realised she hadn’t phrased her English properly. “He does not mind, so long as we are together.”
I felt the corners of my lips pull down in a frown. I envied her, I envied what she had with Scott, but I was going to be alone. It didn’t know who I’d miss more.
I opened my mouth to ask her something, anything because I wanted to memorise her voice for later when she was gone, but as I tried to find words, there was the most horrible sound of protesting metal that came from outside. It sent a shiver down my vertebrae.
My head snapped towards the front of my house because it sounded as though something had smashed right through it. Though, since there wasn’t a car in my kitchen, I guessed it was all outside.
“Mamma mia,” Maria muttered. “What was that?”
I looked at her in alarm, and her eyes were wild with concern. It took me a moment before I could get my legs to move, and then we were running towards the door. I pushed it open and felt the blood instantly drain from my face.
“James,” I breathed, and then I was screaming his name.
“Alice?” Maria called from behind me. “Scott!”
The car, James’ car, was crushed up to the windscreen against the willow tree in my front yard. The bonnet was crumpled and folded into a metal zig-zag, and James was behind the driver’s wheel. His eyes were closed, and he was bleeding.
“James,” I shrieked. I ripped the door open, almost pulling it off its hinges. “James, can you hear me?”
His eyes slowly opened. His aqua irises were barely visible.
“Alice,” he mumbled.
Relief flooded through me, and hot lava replaced the ice in my veins. My relief turned quickly into fury.
“What is wrong with you?” I snapped. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
James rolled his head towards Scott. The blood on his head trickled down onto his shirt.
“Scotty?” he said. It sounded like effort.
I looked up at Scott and saw Maria at his side. She was rattling off a string of foreign words and Scott was kissing her between them as if he had spent a thousand years waiting to kiss her.
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