I swallowed. My heart hurt.
“James, come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” I whispered, reaching over to unfasten his seatbelt.
James grabbed my wrist and I flinched.
“Alice, I’m so sorry,” he slurred.
Great. He must have a concussion.
“Let’s not worry about that now, come on,” I answered, trying to lift him out.
He watched me struggle but didn’t make any effort to move.
“I’m so sorry, Alice,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to…”
“James, shut up and help me get you out,” I said.
He groaned and closed his eyes.
I panicked.
“James,” I gasped, taking his face in my hands. “Open your eyes, please.”
A smile lifted the corners of his lips. “Alice Potter.”
“James, you need to come inside,” I whispered. “Come inside with me, okay? You need to try and stand.”
“Okay,” he sighed. He still didn’t move.
It took me close to ten minutes to get him out of the crumpled car. Maria took Scott back to her house since he could walk and he was fully alert, unlike James.
I sat James at my kitchen table and gathered a towel and warm soapy water to clean the cut above his right eyebrow. It looked deep. His eyes were open now, and they were watching me silently. I kept my expression as even as I could, even though I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears in my eyes and worked hard to keep them in there. Crying wouldn’t help me now, I needed to stay strong.
I swallowed and began dabbing his skin.
“Alice,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“What were you thinking?” I whispered, ignoring him. “Have you been drinking? How fast were you going? Do you know you could have killed yourself and Scott too?”
He exhaled. “I know, I wasn’t, and no—not really, drinking, I mean. I guess I just lost control.”
His voice was even, rational. Not like his usual animated, taunting tone. He sounded tired and tired wasn’t good with a head injury. I’d seen enough medical dramas to know that.
“Why?” I asked, sitting back on my heels. “Why did you lose control?”
He looked at me and blinked slowly. “I needed to see you.”
“I wasn’t going anywhere.”
He nodded.
I drew in a breath and let it out. “Why did you need to see me, James?”
“Alice,” he mouthed. “I want to apologise.”
“I heard, but there’s nothing you can say to me that’s going to change anything.”
“I miss you, Alice,” he whispered. “I feel like there is something between us, but I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“Okay, except maybe that.”
He closed his eyes. “I just didn’t want to start anything because I’m leaving soon and it won’t be fair for you if anything… happens.”
“Why are you so scared of the future, James?”
“I’m being realistic, Alice,” he replied tiredly. “I don’t know when I’m coming back, and long distance never works.”
“Fine,” I sighed. “Is that all?”
His forehead creased and the cut on it glistened red. “What do you mean?”
I stood up. “I mean, do you have anything else to say?”
“Alice,” he said, and caught my hand. “Please.”
“James, it still doesn’t change anything,” I said and pulled my hand away. “But, look, it’s too late to go anywhere now, so you’re welcome to stay on my couch for the night. Tomorrow we can sort out the mess on my verge.”
He stared at me for a moment. I could see the conflict in his eyes, and the pain that seemed to darken them. I hated seeing it, but it somehow made me feel better to know that I wasn’t the only one suffering from the situation we were in.
He nodded once, and I glanced at the blood on his T-shirt.
“I’ll get you some of my dad’s clothes that you can sleep in,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”
He didn’t move, but I did. I went to my dad’s untouched room and picked out a clean T-shirt and some tracksuit pants, and then returned to James. His head was down, and his eyes were shut.
“James?” I whispered. My chest gave a squeeze. Weren’t people with concussions not supposed to sleep?
He looked up.
I exhaled, then handed him the clothes. “Here.”
He rested them on the table and shuffled to remove his shirt. I looked away because it was too painful to look at his perfectly toned body.
I cleared my throat and backed into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. I heard James laugh and it made my blood boil up to my temples.
“What could possibly be funny?” I asked. I meant it to sound angry or disapproving but, instead, I sounded like I was a child who didn’t understand an adult joke.
“Nothing,” he sighed. “I don’t suppose you could help with my pants?”
I blinked at him and he laughed again. He was standing by the table in his underwear. My eyes dropped to the floor.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked as he stepped into the tracksuit pants. “You’re bright red.”
“No, I’m not, stop it.”
“Is it about what I said?”
I frowned. “What?”
“Are you mad that I won’t let myself be with you?”
“No, I… no,” I answered, maybe too quickly.
He raised his eyebrows and his cut beaded with blood again, then he pulled up the tracksuit pants and walked, or more staggered, towards me. I stepped forward to meet him so he didn’t fall and add another cut to his head.
“I’m not mad, James,” I said. “I get it. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
I saw it then, in his eyes, the flicker of hope, and the glint of longing. I looked away because even that didn’t change anything.
“You should rest,” I whispered. “I’ll get you some blankets.”
“Alice,” he said, and caught my arm as I tried to step around him. I looked down at it and his hand dropped. “Thank you.”
My heart gained another fracture, another crack.
Enough, I can’t take any more.
James fell to sleep quite quickly, which I wasn’t sure was a good or a bad thing. I sat on the parallel couch to him with my laptop, looking up recommendations for head traumas. The advice said that people with concussions should be woken every two hours, so I grabbed an extra blanket and set my alarm. It was going to be a long night.
My eyes closed lightly and I slowed my breathing to match James’ even inhales and exhales. Despite the fact that I’d be alone soon, I wasn’t alone yet.
I wasn’t alone tonight.
Chapter 8
Impulse
“Morning, darling,” James said as my eyes open to the bright rays of morning light.
“Hi,” I replied in an exhale, and then realised who I was speaking to.
James.
James was here. James was awake. James was looking at me. I jumped up, and he laughed tiredly.
“How, um, how are you feeling?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. I felt as though they had barely closed all evening.
“My head is pounding, and my sleep was interrupted,” he answered. “But I’m alive.”
I frowned. “I read that people with head traumas can suffer from a concussion, and—”
“I’m not mad, whatever,” he replied with a smile. “Thanks for caring about me.”
I wanted to cry again, only this time I blamed the exhaustion. How could he question that I cared about him?
“You don’t need to thank me,” I replied.
“Yes I do, and I need to apologise again for my behaviour last night. That wasn’t fair to you.”
“Fair?”
Nothing of this situation was fair, none of it. When did fairness come into it? I didn’t even recognise the word.
“I know that I’ve messed everything up,” he said. He lifted his
hand to his head as he pushed himself up to sit. “But I want you to know that I really appreciate you, Alice. You’re a good friend and I don’t deserve you.”
I couldn’t hide the pain I felt at his words. I was a good friend.
The tears pooled in my eyes, and I rose to my feet to remove myself before they spilt over. I didn’t quite make it.
“Alice?” James called.
I started to pace, then decided that it was futile to deny that I was upset. He could see that I was.
“I’m just tired,” I said. “I’m tired, and I’m exhausted, and I’ve had to deal with a lot lately.”
James frowned. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head. “I miss my dad, I didn’t get a job that I applied for, Maria is leaving.” My voice cracked. “You’re leaving, everyone is moving on, and I’m not. I’m just staying here. The same old Alice.”
He bit his lip. “I’m sorry for my part in it, but things will change for you. The one certainty in life is that things change all the time.”
I rolled my tear-filled eyes. I didn’t want to hear that. It was like telling someone stuck in the monsoonal rain that the sun would shine tomorrow.
“I didn’t know that you applied for a job,” James said. He pushed himself up from the couch and clutched at his head. I took a step towards him, but he waved me off.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I had the interview the day, the afternoon of the last time I saw you.”
“Oh.” He exhaled. “Sorry.”
“Stop apologising, James. I can’t deal with all of this right now, especially you. I’m sick of having to say goodbye to everyone that I care about. If I had my way, then everyone would stay together. Families wouldn’t get separated by careers, and everyone would be okay because they’d have love, and family, and that’s really all that matters in the world.”
“Alice, people need to do their own thing and figure out what they want,” he answered. “Not everyone has the same idea about their future that you do. Some people need to move on, to expand themselves, and experience different things. Not everyone is complacent with staying in the same place their whole lives.”
I sniffled. “I know that, and I’m not trying to control everyone. I just wish that it didn’t mean I was alone at the end of it.”
“You’re not alone, Alice.”
I looked at him. “I will be.”
“That’s your choice.”
“It’s not a choice.” I scoffed, then collected myself. “Look, do you need me to drop you home? I need to get some proper sleep.”
He looked down and a smile hung on his lips. The mockery of it made me angry again.
“No, I’ll call Scott,” he said. He sat back on the couch and picked up his phone, which was balancing on the arm of the chair.
I exhaled and headed into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Not two minutes later, I turned to find that James was suddenly behind me. I hadn’t heard his steps over the boiling kettle, and his appearance made me jump. He just looked at me, and I looked back at him. We didn’t try to talk to each other until the water had boiled, and even still, we were silent for a few moments. There was just the sound of our breathing.
“Alice,” James whispered, breaking the silence. “If things were different, if I could do what I needed to do here, you know that I wouldn’t leave you.”
There was no shadow of doubt in his eyes. They were completely clear.
“I don’t want to hear that, James,” I said.
“But it’s true.”
I shook my head and turned to pour the water into my mug. I watched the teabag diffuse into the water, like dropping food colouring in a mixing cake.
“It doesn’t make it any easier to hear,” I replied. “Plus, it doesn’t change anything.”
“I’m trying to be honest with you and tell you how I feel,” he answered. It was the first time that he had ever mentioned feelings to me, especially any reference to his feelings towards me. I looked up at him because I was curious, but couldn’t afford to be. I couldn’t afford to hear anymore when I needed to let him go.
“James,” I sighed. “Please just leave me alone.”
His hands lifted to my waist. “But you just said that you didn’t want to be alone.”
“Please.”
There was a knock at the door and I welcomed the distraction. I slipped out from his grasp and hurried towards the door.
“Ciao,” Maria said as I opened it. I glanced over at Scott and frowned at the bruises on his head and cheek.
“Hi,” I answered. “Come on in.”
Maria nodded. “I’m sorry I left so suddenly last night, I just—”
“Oh, please, it’s fine,” I interrupted. “How are you feeling, Scott?”
“I’m okay.” He shrugged. “No blood, no foul.”
I led the two of them into where James was still standing in the kitchen. Both Maria and Scott stopped suddenly when they saw him. At first, I wondered if it was the cut and bruises on his head that jarred their steps, then I realised that the expression on their faces had more to do with the fact that James was wearing my father’s clothes.
“Hey, mate. Sorry about losing it,” James said to Scott. He didn’t seem to notice their expressions. “You okay?”
Scott blinked out of his trance. “Yeah, I’ll be right. You?”
“Yeah.” James nodded slowly. “How does the car look?”
“Not good, bro,” Scott replied. “Not good at all.”
James exhaled. “Oh well, I guess it saves me selling it before I leave.”
My heart stumbled and Maria’s eyes locked on mine. Scott glanced at Maria, then looked at me too. James turned, but I had managed to tip my lips upwards in time. It took a lot of effort.
“Well, I guess we should probably go,” James sighed. “We’ve inconvenienced Alice enough.”
I rolled my eyes. Inconvenienced.
“I do not believe that Alice thinks us an inconvenience,” Maria said, laughing lightly. At least someone understood me.
“Alice, would you like to come over for dinner this evening?” Scott asked. Much to everyone’s surprise, including mine.
“I, um…”
“I’ll cook, it will give you a night off, bella,” Scott continued in a whisper, kissing Maria lightly on the nose. There was something about the gesture that, although it made me feel lonelier than ever, was so beautiful and so adoring that I couldn’t look away. For a moment, I didn’t think about myself, I didn’t think about being alone, and I didn’t even think about James. I thought about Maria and Scott, and that they’d be leaving soon, and how much I would miss them. Even Scott, who I didn’t know so well. I respected him, and I respected the way that he cared for Maria, the way he made her so happy. I actually wanted to be close to them in the hope that some of their happiness would rub off on me.
The silence had stretched on and I realised I still hadn’t spoken. Scott and Maria hadn’t noticed though, they were still caught up in their dreamy bliss. James noticed. He cleared his throat.
“I think that Alice probably has plans—”
“No,” I interrupted. “I don’t. I mean, I’d like to come for dinner. That sounds nice.”
Scott and Maria looked up, remembering that we were still in the room.
“Awesome.” Scott smiled. I liked his dimpled smile. “Does seven o’clock suit you?”
I nodded. “Seven is great.”
“You do know that I’ll be there, right?” James asked.
Maria and Scott looked confused. I glanced at him and pressed my lips together. James being there would certainly put a foil to my plans to distance myself from him.
“I—I know,” I said with a shrug.
“Is James being there going to be a problem?” Scott asked. “Because I can always just tell him that I’m making a romantic dinner for Maria to get him out the house.”
James chuckled, and Maria grinned. I just shook my head.
I liked
Scott.
**
As soon as James left with Maria and Scott, I went into a kind of hysterical panic about the impending dinner. After hyperventilating for about half an hour, I forced myself to have a hot shower and went to bed. I slept the rest of the day away, only to wake at five past five to get another shower. I was unbelievably hungry, so ate half an apple before leaving for the dinner. It at least gave me something to do other than pick at my nails apart in nervous anticipation.
“Hey,” James said. He opened the door before I had the chance to knock. “Come on in.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
“I hope you like pork,” Scott called from behind him. “There’s a pig on a spit cooking for us all.”
I stood there in confusion, and it took me a long moment to realise that he was joking. Clearly, my brain was still walking up.
“Relax, Alice.” Scott laughed. “It’s vegetarian-friendly. Come and take a seat. James will get you a drink.”
James exhaled. “We have lemonade, orange juice, cola—which you don’t like—um, water, alcohol… what can I get you, Alice?”
What could James get me?
“Water is fine,” I answered.
“Coming right up.”
James gestured for me to sit, and went into the kitchen to where Scott was. Maria appeared from Scott’s room and beamed a smile at me.
“Ciao, bella,” she gushed. “You look stanca, no? Tired?”
I forced a smile. “Are you living here now?”
“Unofficially.” She blushed. “It is easier to plan… and save money. Rent is expensive in South Coast.”
I nodded. I couldn’t deny that I was jealous of how easy things had been for her and Scott. They fell together so effortlessly. They wanted to be together, so they were together. Simple as that.
“Bello,” Maria called. “Come and sit for a minute. Dinner is not far from ready.”
Scott glanced over and smiled. “Sure, beautiful, I’ll be right there.”
James rolled his eyes as he made his way over to us. He placed my water on the coffee table and sat down on the other couch. He was establishing the distance I asked for.
Good. I think. Maybe. No.
Maria sat down beside me, and Scott wandered over to sit on her other side. She sat back under the crook of his arm, folding into his body. I suddenly felt like the third wheel on the couch.
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