“So, Alice, what did you get up to today?” Scott asked.
“Um, I slept,” I answered, reaching for my water. My hand was shaking and I nearly knocked it over. Maria and Scott pretended not to notice, but James watched me closely. It unnerved me more, so I dropped my hand and gave up on the water.
“All day? Caro mia,” Maria sighed theatrically. “But you must have needed it, no?”
I smiled weakly. It felt pathetic. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”
Maria and Scott reacted identically, both glancing at James as if to assess his fatigue against mine. Hadn’t James mentioned anything to them? I wasn’t sure whether it bothered me or not to know that he didn’t want to discuss me with his best friend, to share his thanks, to share anything. Did I not mean anything to him?
“Alice was worried that I had a concussion, so she set her alarm to wake me up every two hours,” James explained, belatedly, apparently.
“Oh, good thinking.” Scott nodded. “I didn’t even think of that, but Maria was with me all night anyway.”
Maria smiled up at him, and my heart sunk a little further down. It felt like it was halfway to my feet.
“Maybe we should eat?” James offered.
“Yes, let’s eat,” Maria agreed.
Scott nodded, and then there was a knock at the door.
“Scotty,” a desperate voice called out.
“Is that Logan?” Maria asked.
“Scotty, I need your help,” Logan said. He kept pounding at the door.
James hurried to open it, and Logan poured in and bee-lined for his brother.
“Scotty,” he sighed.
Scott’s face dropped in horror. “What? Logan? What’s happened?”
Logan didn’t reply immediately, and everyone seemed to grow anxious of what had upset him.
“Nina,” he finally breathed.
“Nina?” Scott said, and his face went as white as a sheet.
Logan shook his head. “She—she’s fine. She’s f-fine.”
Scott’s shoulders dropped and the rest of us exhaled. The two Hamilton brothers sat down.
“Then what?” Scott asked.
James looked at me with a troubled expression, and Maria’s eyebrows lifted in concern. Logan was suddenly awake to the fact that he had an audience. A few beats of silence went by.
Scott rolled his eyes. “I’m going to tell Maria anyway and, let’s face it, James and Alice will want to know now too.”
Logan hesitated and I couldn’t help but wonder how bad it was.
“How bad is it?” James asked.
“I…” Logan started. “I, well, she… she’s pregnant.”
James blew out a breath, Maria gasped, my mouth fell open, and Scott’s eyebrows knitted together.
“Preg—she’s… are you sure?” he asked.
Logan nodded, then began shaking his head. “She’s eighteen.”
James looked at Logan. “How far along is she?”
It was then that I understood, and Maria understood. Nina used to date Scott, Nina now dated Logan. So who was the father of her unborn child? Which Hamilton would claim the heir to their family?
“Not—not far,” Logan sighed. “I mean, it’s mine.”
Scott relaxed some. “It’s going to be okay, bro.”
“I will make some tea,” Maria murmured.
I took a step back and collided with James. His hands rested on my arms to stop me from falling. They remained there for a moment before he removed them.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“It’s fine,” I whispered.
I went over to sit on the other couch to the boys because something told me that dinner wasn’t happening anytime soon – not that I really had an appetite anymore.
“When did you find out?” Scott asked.
Logan had calmed himself, and he was breathing more evenly now. Both Hamilton boys appeared to have had their colour back.
“A few hours ago,” Logan answered. “She wasn’t sure, but her doctor confirmed it.”
“It’s early to tell though, right?” James asked, sitting beside me. “I mean, she can’t be more than a couple of weeks if—”
“She’s not,” Logan snapped.
Scott and I sat back in alarm. James gave a nod in apology.
“How is she?” Scott asked. It was clear in his expression that he still felt something for her, even if it was just because she was his brother’s girlfriend.
“She’s okay.” Logan nodded. “She’s handling it better than me. She wanted to tell her parents without me. You know what the Allbrights are like.”
“Catholic.” Scott nodded.
Logan smiled weakly.
“Here you go, Logan,” Maria said as she offered the mug to him.
Logan glanced up and accepted it with quiet thanks. Maria took her place on Scott’s other side, and the two linked hands instantly. There was a stretch of silence between us all, and I wondered how this would affect Scott and Maria’s planned trip. Would Scott want to stay to support his brother? Would that mean that Maria would stay too? What did this mean?
“Hey, Alice, do you remember that time, was it in the ninth grade? We went shopping together and you bumped into that guy you liked,” James asked, out of nowhere.
I looked over at him curiously. As far as changes of subjects were concerned, this was a huge jump.
“Yeah, I remember that,” I answered with a hint of annoyance. “You wandered off with those girls from that all-girls school and left me on my own.”
James mashed his lips together and looked down. Whatever he was trying to achieve with the subject change had clearly failed.
“I was trying to give you some space,” he replied.
“Really? Why don’t you try that now?” I said and shuffled down the couch.
Maria ran her hand through her hair, while Scott focused a little too intently on drawing circles on Maria’s leg, and Logan’s eyebrow lifted in amusement. But it wasn’t their reactions that I was interested in. I looked back at James and his expression was even. He stood up and walked straight to his room. As the door closed, I rubbed my forehead.
“What’s, um, what’s going on there?” Logan asked. “I thought you two…?”
“No,” I sighed. “We’re not anything.”
Logan and Scott both frowned. They almost looked like twins.
“Alice,” Maria said. “He is not gone yet.”
“He may as well be,” I mumbled.
“You know, you shouldn’t be so hard on him, Alice,” Scott said quietly. “James cares about you a lot.”
I shook my head because I didn’t want to hear it.
“It’s true. You might not believe it, but it’s true.”
“Did he tell you that?” I asked Scott. “He told you that he cares about me? James Butler said those words to you?”
Scott smiled. He knew James as well as I did, enough to know that James didn’t discuss things like that.
“That’s how I know,” Scott replied. “Because he won’t talk about it, he can’t. He’s hurting, Alice. You and I both know James well. You know that he shuts down when people get too close.”
It sounded plausible enough. James never spoke about personal things with me, but I just assumed that it was just me.
“You know I’m right,” Scott added.
“I don’t know what his problem is.” Logan shrugged. “He’s crazy to waste any time he has with you.”
It was nice to hear other people talk this way about us like maybe there was something between us that was being lost, and that it was only time that was keeping us apart. If things were that way then it meant that James really did care about me. But things were the way they were – and they weren’t that way.
“You know, I, um… I think I’m going to go,” I said.
“No, Alice,” Maria complained. “We have not yet eaten.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I’m not feeling… I might just try and sleep
it off.”
“More sleep?” she asked. “Alice.”
Scott stood up. “I’ll give you some food to take home for later.”
“Thanks, Scott,” I replied. “That would be nice.”
Maria rose to her feet and walked over to grab both of my hands.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
I nodded, but I may as well have been shaking my head since Maria saw right through me.
“Alice,” she sighed.
“I’m fine. I will be… okay,” I amended. “It just feels like there’s a lot going on right now.”
She squeezed my hands. “Things will calm down soon.”
I thought about what that meant and found myself blinking back tears.
“Maybe,” I breathed. “But I’m afraid that when they do, I’m going to be the only one left.”
“Caro,” she said and pulled me into a hug. “No.”
Her sudden closeness made me forget that the Hamilton boys were still in the room, and I started sobbing. I couldn’t control it, and it scared me a little.
“Why doesn’t anyone stay?” I mumbled. “Is it me?”
“No, Alice, no,” she soothed, rubbing my back. “Caro mia.”
I sniffled and remembered where I was, so pulled myself together. I stepped back from her and rubbed my eyes.
“Sorry, I’m being selfish. I’m just going to miss you.”
Maria pouted and glanced back at Scott. He was frowning.
“And you too, Scott,” I added, then sighed. “And James.”
James.
“It won’t be forever,” Scott said, offering me the container of food. “And you’re always welcome to visit.”
I nodded and took the container. “Thanks.”
“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.” Logan smiled. “If that’s any comfort.”
I laughed, and then we all were laughing.
The mood had lifted, but it hadn’t change anything. The result was the same – everyone I loved would soon be gone.
**
When I got home, I heated the food that Scott had made and practically inhaled it. I barely tasted the spinach tortellini as I swallowed, but it was obvious that Maria assisted in preparing the meal because I couldn’t fault it. After dinner, I changed into my pyjamas and went back to bed. I couldn’t sleep though, despite the fact that my body felt heavy. Maybe I was just mentally tired, and that weighed on my physical self.
I was weak, so I let the pathetic, self-loathing part of me win, and I cried. I cried until I felt dehydrated, and then I cried some more. I barely heard the door when the knock came, and it was only because I stopped my sobbing long enough to breathe that I had. My lungs even felt swollen.
I wiped my face and opened the wooden door.
It was James.
I sighed. “What do you want, James?”
He didn’t answer, he just silenced me with a kiss.
I let myself give in. I shouldn’t have, but it took me off guard. I wish I could have remembered when he kissed me that everything would hurt so much more when it was over, but I didn’t. All I could think about was how much I loved him, and how much I needed him, and that being close to him now was the most important thing in my world.
He kissed me all the way to my room, and we had undressed each other by the time we reached it. His body moved against mine and I cursed that I couldn’t seem to twist myself closer to him.
Those perfect moments seemed to last forever, but they still didn’t seem to be long enough. We moved in perfect unison, like two parts of a whole, two hearts, and two souls becoming one.
**
I was awake before I allowed myself to open my eyes because I was too afraid to see what was left now that it was morning. I was too afraid to see whether he was still there, or whether he’d already left. A small part of me wanted to find my bed empty because if he had already gone, it would be easier than seeing him leave. But then there was that larger part of me, that more irrational and masochistic part, that wanted him to still be here. Then it meant that I could live in my dream for a little while longer.
I squeezed my eyes closed and then allowed the stream of light to peek through my eyelashes. I tried to make out shapes and then decided that I didn’t want to see them.
Time ticked on and, eventually, I worked up the courage to open my eyes open. My heart sank when I found an empty space beside me.
What did you really expect, Alice?
“You’re awake,” James whispered.
I gripped the sheets around my nakedness and looked up to see him standing in the doorway already dressed.
“You’re still here,” I sighed.
He tipped his head. “Did you think I would leave?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen now.”
He smiled weakly but it wasn’t a happy smile, it was an apologetic one. This was a bad sign.
“I need to go,” he answered. “But I didn’t want to leave before I had the chance to see you… well, for you to see me.”
I tried to hide the disappointment, but my face felt frozen with it. “Okay.”
“But, Alice, last night was…”
He looked down and smiled to himself. I wrapped my arms around my knees and waited for him to complete the sentence, but he didn’t. A moment later, he looked up.
“I’ll call you later though, okay?” he said.
I couldn’t do anything but nod.
“I’ll see you, sweetheart.”
James never said goodbye.
“Goodbye, James,” I whispered into the void.
He was already gone.
**
It took me a long time to register what had happened – what I had done and what we had done.
James and me.
Me and James.
Had we actually spent the night together? What did it even mean?
I spent a long time in the shower trying to process it all. My joints felt like jelly, and my skin tingled everywhere. It was strange to think that hours ago James’ skin was on my skin. Flashes of memories of his fingers and mouth moving over me made my head pulse.
James Butler. I didn’t think it was possible to love him more than I did, but my love was beyond measure now. The only thing was, I didn’t know how to contain it. I didn’t know how to live with loving him this much. I was well beyond the point of no return.
I made myself an omelette for breakfast and, by the time I’d finished eating it, I had convinced myself that my night with James had all been just a dream.
James Butler didn’t want me. He was James Butler. I never stood a chance with him. We were worlds apart, and we were about to be countries apart. It was all a dream. A vivid, passionate, electrifying dream, even if it felt so real – the way he touched me, his lips, his fingertips, his breath on my neck, his tongue, his eyes… those eyes.
Was my imagination that good?
There was a knock at my front door and it startled me. I knew that it wouldn’t be James because it was too soon. Even if last night was a dream, I had only seen him yesterday. It would at least be another few days before I saw him next.
It wouldn’t be Maria either because I knew she had the lunch shift on Sundays at Eclipse.
I grabbed my pineapple juice and held it against my chest, dragging my feet to answer it.
“Hi, Alice.” Scott smiled. “Sorry to bother you.”
“Hey, Scott,” I said. “Um, come in.”
He nodded. “I won’t stay long. I was actually just looking for James. I thought he might be here.”
I closed the door behind him and frowned. “James?”
“Yeah, he took off last night after you left.” He looked around as he paced. His hands were squarely in his pocket. “No-one has seen him, so I thought he might have come here.”
I took a sip of my pineapple juice as his words sank in. Huh. Not a dream?
“He, um, he was… here,” I replied. My voice
made it sound like a question. “But he left a little while ago.”
I gulped another mouthful of juice.
Scott tipped his head. “Are you okay?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“I don’t know.” I frowned. “Let me ask you something.”
Scott smirked. “Shoot.”
“It’s about James.”
“I figured.”
I paused and he waited. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. His eyebrows lifted.
“Does he…? I mean, do you know if…?” I exhaled. “Are there many other… girls in his life?”
Scott pressed his lips together and it silenced me.
Oh, God.
“James is not a bad guy, Alice,” he answered. “There are a lot of girls who are interested in him.”
I looked down. Stupid Alice. I was such a fool.
“But you’re the only girl who has held his attention since Jacinta,” he added.
My head lifted. “What?”
“He’s had offers, lots of them, but he only sees you, Alice,” he said. “There are no other girls in his life. Well, unless you count Victoria, but I don’t.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“You’re good for him. You bring out his softer side.”
I sighed. “Do I?”
“You might not see it, but I see the difference. He’s lucky to have you, Alice.”
“Thanks, Scott,” I replied. “I just wish that he thought that too.”
He frowned. “I know it hasn’t been easy on you. James is a difficult person to love.”
“I never found it that difficult to love him – maybe to like him, but not to love him.”
He laughed. “Maybe you’re right about that one.”
I nodded. I hadn’t spoken to Scott alone before, but I was really glad that I had the opportunity to. He was kind and gentle; I couldn’t have picked better for my best friend.
“You know, you’re good for Maria too,” I said. “She cares about you a lot.”
“I care about her too. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so deeply for someone that I’ve only known for a few weeks, but I feel like I’ve found with her what I’ve been looking for my whole life.” He gave a laugh and shook his head. “I sound like a crazy person.”
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