“No, not crazy,” I whispered. “Just in love.”
He smiled. “You know, Alice, I’ve always believed that people who are meant for each other will eventually find their way back together. Even if James ends up leaving, I think he’ll find his way back to you.”
“I wish I could be as sure as you are about that.”
He tipped his head towards the door. “You’ll see. You’re home to him. The two of you can’t stay apart for long. Call it fate, or whatever, but there’s some higher power that will ensure the two of you will stay in each other’s lives.”
“I hope you’re right,” I sighed. “Really.”
“You’ll see,” he said, then opened the door. “If—when James comes back, can you please tell him that I was looking for him?”
“Of course.”
“Bye, Alice,” Scott said. “Thanks for the chat.”
“Anytime.”
Scott left and I closed the door behind him. As I made my way back to the kitchen, I thought about what he had said. Are James and I destined to find our way back to each other? It was a lovely thought that there was a higher force out there, trying to keep us in each other’s lives.
I guess there was really only one question left to ask…
As what?
Chapter 9
Avoidance
My mind was a boggle board that had been shaken up because nothing seemed to made sense to me anymore. I felt like I was caught between a dream and reality because Alice Potter would never have otherwise woken up with James Butler. I went back to bed after Scott left and curled up in the sheets where James and I had slept because apparently, I hadn’t dreamt it. That had been a part of reality, even if it should have been a dream. I thought about how Scott seemed so sure that James would come back to see me, and I could only hope that he was right. But deep down, I knew James Butler better. Sometimes I wished that I didn’t because I was now in so deep with him that I would never be able to pull myself out. I felt like I had lost control over myself, and I was stumbling down a mountain, unable to stop the inertia of my body. I told myself that I didn’t have any expectations from James, but I did. I could feel myself hoping that this time would be different, and he would call me later. I wanted him to prove me wrong because I was tired of being proven right when it meant I was let down by him.
But I wasn’t wrong, and James didn’t call, nor did he come back. So, after a couple of days, I went back to convincing myself that it was all just a dream. A dream that no-one could change and no-one could touch. It was mine, and I was going to cling onto it with everything I had. If it was the last memory I had of James, I would take it and be glad. Or so I told myself.
A week went by. An excruciatingly painful week. I didn't sleep properly which, by default, made me feel like a sluggish zombie. But I also couldn’t eat much, because I felt too anxious since I hadn’t heard from him. This, in turn, brought on the dizziness. My heart hurt, and everything ached. It was just a terribly agonising week.
Then, on the eighth day, he appeared. He just materialised beside the drapes, and the lamp I was arranging in the mock room slipped through my fingers and smashed on the floor.
“I’ll pay for that.” He smiled. “Hello, Alice.”
I just stared at him, because I was too overwhelmed to speak.
“Alice?” he said. “Are you all right?”
Tears formed in my eyes and I hated that I was about to cry. I hated showing weakness because it was a weakness only James seemed to bring out in me. It made me insecure and self-doubting.
He sighed. “Alice, please say something.”
“Where have you been, James?” I whispered. “You just disappeared. Again.”
He looked down. “I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call.”
“I don’t even know why I was stupid enough to think that you might.”
Pain flashed in his clear aqua coloured eyes. “I thought it was what you wanted. You wanted space, and since I didn’t honour your request before, I—”
“You thought you would now?” I asked in a breath. “After everything? After everything, you decided to be honourable now?”
“I’m leaving in a week, Alice.”
I shook my head. “You left way before that, James. You keep leaving. Why do you insist on wasting what time there is left by dwelling on what’s to come?”
As I asked the question I realised that lately, I’d been guilty of that too.
“I’m just trying to do what’s best,” he replied.
“For who?” I shot back. “For you?”
“For you, Alice.”
“You think that treating me like one of your one night stands is best for me?” I asked. The tears I’d been fighting trickled slowly down my cheek. “Do me a favour, James, and don’t do me any more favours. You made me feel so bad about myself and I just can’t take it anymore.”
James shook his head. “Alice, I didn’t… don’t say that.”
“Well, it’s the truth.” I sniffled, then turned away. As I took a step, I stumbled, and James instantly moved his arms around me to keep me upright. I sank into them, then pushed against him. His arms fell away.
“I’m sorry, Alice.”
“It’s fine.”
“Not about that, I keep messing things up,” he replied. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit?”
I exhaled and sat on the display bed. James hesitated, then sat down beside me.
“I don’t want to be selfish,” he murmured. “Staying with you and making the most of now would mean more hurt for you when I do leave. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.”
“Selfish?” I frowned. “And what about you? It won’t hurt you to leave me?”
His eyebrows softened and his eyes turned sad. I’d never seen them look like that before, at least, not when looking at me.
“Maybe selfish is the wrong word,” he whispered.
I lowered my eyes and fresh tears ran down my cheek. James lifted his hand to brush them away, then tipped my face up. His thumb moved lightly over my lips.
“Alice,” he breathed. “Alice Potter.”
I sniffled. “No.”
“No, what?”
“Just no, James,” I cried. “No, stop trying to protect me. I can protect myself.”
“I know you can.” He nodded. “It’s going to hurt when I leave, Alice, for both of us.”
I looked into his eyes. They were sincere, solemn, pained.
“It hurts now,” I answered. “It hurts being apart when we could be together.”
James leant over and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss took me by surprise, but it shouldn’t have. It made me want to cry, but I wasn’t sure whether it was because I was so happy that he was here and that he wanted me, or because deep down I knew he was right, and that staying away might actually be better for the both of us.
James moved his hand over my wet cheek as a fresh sheet of tears spilt over.
“Please stop crying,” he whispered against my lips. “You’ll give me a complex.”
I sighed. “James Butler, not everything is about you.”
He smiled. “Whatever you say, Alice Potter.”
**
James stayed with me at work until the end of my shift. It was only a couple of hours, but it was nice to know that he was serious about making the most of our time. We only had six days left together. Six days, then he was leaving. I wondered if he regretted the lost time as much as I did, considering he was the one that forced it. But I didn’t wonder for long because dwelling on it was a waste of time.
James followed me home in Scott’s car because he was still worried about my dizzy spell earlier. I told him that it was probably due to a lack of sleep or food, but he insisted. When we got back to my house, James sat me at the breakfast bar and began preparing dinner for the two of us. I watched as he found assorted ageing vegetables in my fridge and cupboard, chopped them, and dropped them into a stock broth.
“Normal
ly I’d make chicken soup, but Little Miss Difficult is a vegetarian,” James said with a smile.
“Normally,” I mumbled.
“Yes, normally. Scott will give you a glowing reference of my chicken soup.”
“Scott.” I nodded. “He’s a good guy.”
“He is.”
“So, how are Logan and Nina doing?”
“Um, good. Logan has moved back in with his folks, and Nina is living with them too. Logan is throwing himself into the computer business.”
I frowned. “The one he’s starting with Scott?”
“Yep,” he said. He scooped a spoonful of soup to taste it, then dipped it in again and directed it at me. It tasted great.
“So, what is going to happen when Scott and Maria go to Italy?”
James shrugged. “Scott will still have input in networking with investors, and the two of them can work over email and teleconference correspondence. Things will still go ahead, but Logan will run things here and Scott will input from abroad.”
“Oh, I see.”
“You seem disappointed.”
I sighed. “I’ll just miss them.”
“They’ll miss you too,” he replied. “But you can visit.”
“On my wage?”
“I’ll fly you over.”
I shook my head. “I can’t let you do that. It’s too much.”
“If you say so.” He shrugged. James never fought about money. He never insisted on people accepting it, nor did he flaunt it. He just had it, he offered it, and he understood that people had different relationships with it.
I bit my lip and tasted the remnants of the broth on it. “How long until dinner is ready?”
“Half an hour or so,” he answered. “Do you want me to make you some cheese on toast while we wait?”
“No, I don’t want to spoil it.”
“But everyone knows that soup needs to be eaten with cheese on toast.”
I rested a hand on my chest as a wave of nausea flowed through me. My chest tingled at my touch, like a recovering bruise. James was suddenly at my side.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Nausea passed as quickly as it had come.
“Yes,” I sighed. “That was weird.”
“Do you want to go and lie down for a bit?” he asked. His hand ran up my arm and it sent goose-bumps all over my body.
“Only if you’ll come too.”
He smiled. “Sure.”
My heart flip-flopped in my chest as I rose to my feet. James leant over to turn the soup to a simmer, then took my hand. He walked me to my room and memories of the last time we were there flooded back to me. It was only eight days ago, but it felt like much more than that.
“Different sheets,” he said, climbing onto my bed.
“Yeah, I change them every week.”
James smiled and watched as I crawled up beside him. His eyes moved over my face, and it was as though they were caressing the plains of my skin. I rested back on the pillow and James lowered beside me. He rolled to face me and moved his hand to my cheek. It slowly brushed down to my neck and my skin tingled at his touch.
“Breathe, Alice,” he whispered. I hadn’t realised that I was holding my breath until he said it.
I slowly exhaled.
“Why do you look so scared?” he asked.
“I’m not so experienced with all this stuff, this… stuff.”
His eyebrow lifted. “You seemed okay to me.”
“Oh, uh, thanks,” I mumbled. I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment and hoped he didn’t notice. “I just went along with what you did.”
He smiled and slid closer to me. “There’s not really a lot to it.”
My heart did a little leap, which I was sure he felt because his grin widened.
“It’s all just human nature,” he said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. His eyes locked on mine, and suddenly I didn’t feel so afraid anymore. The self-consciousness seemed to disappear, and a surge of confidence shot through me like adrenaline. I shuffled towards him as his hand ran from my neck, down my shoulder, to my waist. He moved my body against him, and then his lips enclosed mine. I could feel his heart pounding against my hands as they fumbled to unfasten his buttons. His breathing got quicker and I could feel the rhythmic thud of his heart quicken. I was quietly thrilled that I had that effect on him.
I pushed his shirt back over his shoulders, and his hands took a break from my waist to allow me to remove it. When they returned, he took a hold of my hips and lifted me on top of him. He removed my T-shirt in one fluid movement and I leant over to continue kissing him. My heart felt like it was going to combust, and after a moment it became too much. I sat back and took a breath.
“What’s wrong?” James panted as he propped himself up on his elbows.
“I just need air,” I sighed. “Sorry.”
He shook his head and sat up, then started to kiss my neck. Even though I was able to breathe freely, the beating of my heart made me feel like I couldn’t get enough oxygen. I didn’t remember feeling this flustered last week when we were intimate, but maybe I just wasn’t as much in my head then. His lips moved to my shoulder and across my collarbone, as my fingers ran through his hair. James pulled back and met my eyes, and the affection in his expression filled my heart and made it whole again. He kissed me slowly, then carefully spun me onto my back. My heartbeat was fast and steady, but I felt more in control now, and hyperventilation wasn’t a concern. James moved his hand under my knee and hitched it around his waist. My body bowed against his, and the pressure against my chest began to throb. I pulled back to sit.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed as I pressed a hand to my chest.
“Is something wrong?” he asked. “We can stop.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to stop, but my chest hurts. I want to be close to you, but it hurts.”
James ran his hand down my shoulder. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not though,” I said, climbing back on his lap. “I want to make the most of every second we have left. I just don’t know why the world always seems to be against us.”
He tucked my blonde hair back behind my ear. “It’s not against us, Alice. The world has better things to worry about than us.”
I nodded and then my stomach rumbled.
“Are you hungry?” he asked. “Soup should be ready.”
“No,” I lied. I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him. My stomach growled again and James chuckled.
“I think we should get some soup into you,” he said.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to move.”
“Alice, you need to eat. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yet.”
His fingers brushed my cheek. “I won’t leave your side all week if that’s what you want.”
“You’re lying,” I whispered.
“No, I’m not. I will be your shadow if it will make you happy.”
I frowned. “But don’t you have things to do and stuff to prepare?”
“I took care of it all last week,” he replied. “All that’s left for me to do is get on the plane.”
My frown deepened and his thumb smoothed the pucker between them. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was the only person in the world.
“We still have six days, Alice,” he whispered.
“Five,” I corrected. “You leave Saturday, don’t you?”
He nodded. “Right, five days.”
“I’ll be at work most of those days.”
“Call in sick.”
My eyebrow lifted. “For four days?”
“Take some times off.”
“I wish I could.”
He shrugged. “Why can’t you?”
“I haven’t given my boss much notice.”
“You don’t need much notice if you’re sick.” He smirked. “If you call in sick tomorrow, then you can give your boss more notice for the other three days.”
He kissed me an
d I sighed against his lips.
“I wish I could, James.”
“You can, Alice.”
I sat back and looked at him, moving my hands over his face. For years, I had wondered what it would be like to touch him and kiss him, to feel the softness of his cheek and his lips. Right now, he was here and he was real. He was looking at me as if he wanted to be here in my arms as much as I wanted him there too.
“Having fun?” he whispered.
I smiled. “I just wanted to make sure you were real.”
“Of course I am.” He laughed. “What a weird thing to say.”
“Not really. Not if you’ve been telling yourself all week that everything was just a dream.”
“Why?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
He kissed me again and my stomach rumbled… again. He chuckled and pulled back, then lifted me off him.
“Come on, dinner time,” he said. “We can continue this later.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Oh, you can count on it.” He nodded. “Now let’s eat.”
**
As luck or another force would have it, I did end up calling in sick the next day. However, it was because I actually did feel unwell. The feeling of nausea struck me in the morning like a cold sweat, and I was so dizzy I could barely stand. I wondered if it was life’s way of teaching me a lesson for plotting with James, then decided I didn’t care. As he had promised, he never left my side, except to go to the grocery store and stock up on the comfort food I requested. He even went into town to get me some ice cream, which was one of the only things I really felt like eating. Everything else paled in comparison.
By Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling much better, but my joints still ached and parts of my body felt bruised, and yet there were no visible markings on my skin. James called my boss without my knowledge and arranged for me to have the rest of the week off. It bothered me a little, but not enough for me to protest since it meant that I could spend it with him.
Wednesday started much the same as Tuesday had. In the morning, I felt queasy, but by lunchtime, I was only a little dizzy. Still, James was at my side feeding me ice cream and keeping me amused. I hadn’t spent this much time with him since high school.
Linger Page 13