Magic and Mayhem: Witchin' Impossible 4: Mr. & Mrs. Shift (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witchin' Impossible Mysteries)

by Renee George

  The flower boat wishes were wax paper hats filled with flower petals. Casting them out onto the lake was a symbolic way of casting off single life moments before the attachment magic happened. I hadn’t been single in a while, but I wasn’t going to short change the town on tradition.

  “I’m glad she agreed. She’s a lovely girl. You must be very proud.”

  “I am,” Lena gushed.

  Mercy Langston moved in next to Lena. She gave me a sour smile. “Looking tightly wrapped tonight, Hazel. Be careful you don’t have an accident.”

  “What?” That didn’t sound suspicious at all. Sheesh.

  Mercy quirked her head toward the stair. “You almost went splat over there. We wouldn’t want carelessness to get in the way of tonight’s festivities.” She touched my hand. “You look nice.”

  When she sauntered off, Ford grabbed my hand again and dragged me into the dark, secluded coatroom.

  “You were really pushing it with Sister Sandy out there. Are you trying to get turned into a toad before the ceremony?” The heat of his body warmed my skin and raised gooseflesh on my shoulders. He ran his fingers down my bare arms. “Because I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on mating with an amphibian.”

  I leaned into him, pressing my boobs against his rock-hard abs. “She’s not that scary. Mercy Langston on the other hand…”

  “You don’t get to be a high priestess because you lack skills, babe. And as for Mercy Langston, well, she’s made the suspect shortlist with her creepy warning.” He caressed my cheek. “Goddess, you smell good enough to drink.”

  “My cup runneth over.” I smiled at the borrowed quote, totally not intended to be used as foreplay of any kind. “Why don’t you come take a sip of all this goodness?”

  Ford reached around my waist and lifted me up until my feet were dangling inches from the floor. He growled low and lustfully. “You know what a thirsty man I am.” He kissed me hard, his lips melding hot against mine. I parted my lips for the welcome invasion of his delicious tongue and moaned. I tried to part my legs as well, but the stupid dress was so friggin’ tight around my thighs, there was no wiggle room. Like at all.

  Damn, my ovaries were turning blue as lusty-yumminess made my lady bits throb with need. “Boy, howdy,” I whispered when he eased from my lips. “Keep that up and we won’t make our own wedding dinner.”

  “Mom would never forgive me.”

  “And the mood is killed.” One should never mention a parent mid-make out session. “So, what do we think happened to Priestess Sandy’s holy robe? Is that part of the conspiracy to take me out? Or a coincidence?”

  Ford cupped my butt cheeks. “Damn, you got a great ass.”

  “And I’d like you to explore them more. Later. After we figure out who’s trying to whack me.”

  “Maybe Vivi lied.” Ford’s lips brushed my neck. He sniffed my hair. “It is really hard to think with you this close.”

  A thrill zinged inside me. I loved that I had such a devastating effect on Ford, but now was not the time. Even still, I had to fight the urge to climb him like a greased pole at the fair. The tight dress helped dampen my urges. I hated Vivi anew for making me buy this stupid thing because ‘the blue brings out your eyes—and makes your ass look good.’ I sighed. “Maybe we should go somewhere less close-quarters.”

  He slid a hand down my thigh then back up, his fingers trying to slip under the edge of the painted on cocktail dress. He growled when it didn’t slide.

  “I think we need to have a talk about wardrobe.”

  “You don’t like the outfit?”

  “I’d like it better on the floor.”

  “Goddess, Ford. I swear if you keep this up, I’m going to let you have your way with me, and then you can explain to everyone why the bride looks like she’s been through a hurricane.”

  He grinned. “Deal.”

  I giggled and grabbed two handfuls of his face scruff. “You are incorrigible.”

  “I am a man in love, darling,” he said roguishly. “Maybe we should have eloped.”

  “It’s too late for that.” Or was it. “Hmmm.”

  “I wanted to get you alone to talk, but damn, I can’t think of anything but wanting to touch you. There are way too many clothes between us.”

  I rubbed my stomach against his hard groin. “Is it about the bounty?”

  My bear moaned. “Goddess, Haze. You know how to turn me stupid.”

  “All that blood rushing from one head,” I tapped his temple, “to the other.” I squeezed his sausage.

  “Exactly.”

  “Maybe you should tell me before you lose any more brain function.”

  “Too late for that.” Ford inhaled me again, drawing a deep breath through his nose. Instead of the contented sigh which usually followed, this time his nose wrinkled and he frowned.

  “What?” I lifted my arms and dipped my head to smell my pits. Nope. My vanilla bean and raspberry deodorant—I tried to choose fragrances that worked with the mate scent and not against it—was working overtime. “What is it?”

  “There is a sudden faint stench in here.” He set me on the ground. My buttocks mourned his touch. “I think it’s coming from behind the coat check counter.”

  I guess it was time to take off he bridal veil and put on my cop hat, but it really made me wish I had brought my cop gun.

  “Hello,” I said. As if someone hiding in here with us would answer. If it were a witch or a warlock they could translocate away. A Shifter would be really dangerous in these close quarters.

  A quiet hiss had both Ford and me wide eyed and alert. I held up my fingers and wiggled them. I mouthed the words, “Paralyze. Hold on.”

  Ford nodded.

  “Freeze and stay.

  No poofing away.

  No hiding from me.

  So mote it be.”

  A sizzle in the air was the extent of what we felt as a result of the spell.

  Ford looked down at me and mouthed, “Did it work?”

  I shrugged.

  He gestured for me to go around the left side while he took the right. The coat check had a five-foot counter with doors on both sides that led back to the storage area. We moved as silently as we could. Not easy with four-inch heels on hardwood floors. But really, I thought if someone was going to jump out at us, it would have already happened.

  I opened the door on my side at the same time Ford opened up his.

  We both let out a breath of relief when there was nothing but a large bundle of coats on the floor. “Maybe something crawled up in there and died.”

  “This close it smells like fresh decay.”

  I noticed a yellow square on the top coat. A black satin trench with faux fur cuffs and collar. “Is that a sticky note?”

  Ford reached down and plucked it up. “It’s blank.”

  “Unseen seen.

  So mote it be,” I incanted. Lettering began to appear on the small square.

  Hazel, no one else has to die. Only you. But if you need motivation…

  My stomach went squishy, and I could feel my heart in my throat. I yanked the coats from the floor. Vivi Lashay’s body, that was supposed to be rotting in the cupboard, was now in the coatroom. Curled up next to her was something red and furry. My pounding heart skipped a beat. I held back a sob as I dropped down to my knees since the goddessdamn dress didn’t have any bending room, and grabbed for the red creature.

  I let out a choking cry, cradling the dead squirrel in my arm.

  “Is it Tisaphone?” Ford asked, his arm going over my shoulders. His use of her full name made me sob harder.

  “No.” I hiccupped and took a few deep breaths. “It’s a squirrel-squirrel. Oh, Ford. It’s so awful.” I put the sad carcass on top of the satin coat and let Ford comfort me for a moment. “Whoever killed this poor creature is going get a lightning bolt right up their ass.”

  “And I’ll rip off their arms for good measure.”

  “Thank you.”

&nb
sp; “What do you think this means?”

  “Someone knows Vivi is dead. And they are sending me a clear warning that if I don’t die, they’ll come after everyone I love.”

  Chapter Four

  “Great Goddess in a gun bra, Haze!” Tizzy, with dramatic flair, threw an almond across the Bride’s Room in her version of a rage tantrum. She balled her tiny fists on her hips and glared at me. “We can’t let them get away with this. We are dealing with monsters. What kind of jerkface would kill a poor defenseless squirrel?”

  “A jerkface with a death wish.” I didn’t want Tizzy anywhere near this. I was sorely tempted to ask my dad to translocate her to Siberia until we caught the culprit. “I promise you, this asshole is going to get what’s coming to him.”

  “Or her,” Lily added.

  “Or her.”

  “This is the last straw,” my dad said. “Whoever this is managed to put Vivi in the cloak room while you two were in there and leave a magicked note, all without notice. We need to call in a professional.”

  “I am a professional.” Sheesh. “Ex-FBI. Current Chief of Police. I don’t think it gets any more professional than me. Where did you stash Vivi?”

  Dad grimaced. “Your house. I put her in the deep freeze.”

  “What about all the meat in there?” Ford looked horrified.

  My dad shrugged. “Thawing on your utility floor.”

  “And my nuts? I keep bags of walnuts and pecans in that freezer.”

  I decided not to ask about the tubs of Chunky Monkey and Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. Everything in that deep freezer would be burned anyway. I couldn’t have risk any dead-woman goo near our food. I did mourn the loss of the ice cream, though. First Vivi tried to kill me, and then she killed my ice cream.

  Tizzy jumped up on the vanity. “I’ll murder ‘em!”

  “Calm down, my love,” Lupi-poo-pee-butt, Tizzy’s lady love and my dad’s new cat familiar, purred. She’d been an unwelcome addition to my team, but Tiz had insisted the gray Persian be in the know. “Hazel already has trouble with simple multitasking. Your anger will just add to her confusion.”

  Did I mention that Lu-pain-in-my-ass is also my nemesis? We are BEFs, Best Enemies Forever. I bared my teeth and held up my hands. “I’m happy to transport your furry rear end right out of here.”

  The cat, who was as fluffy as she was full-bodied, sat up straight. “Do not threaten me, witch.” Her Slavic accent was thick when she got her back up. “You are terrible with magic. You’re threats do not scare me.”

  I shoved my finger in the cat’s face. “Exactly. I am terrible. You might not go anywhere, but then again, you might end up on the moon.”

  Lupi-doopy, even with fur, managed to blanch. “Fine.” She sighed as if bored. “I will keep my wisdom to myself.” She rubbed her head against Tizzy’s. “I just worry about my lover.”

  Gag. Hearing her call Tizzy lover was the equivalent of hearing that someone pooped on my bathroom floor. For the record, that only happened once, and it was a drunken beaver Shifter who fully shifted and shat on the tile in the guest bathroom. Yeah. Good times.

  “Don’t be so hard on Lupitia,” Tizzy said. “She’s my girl. How would you like it if I ragged on Ford all the time?”

  Ford’s chest rumbled.

  Tizzy waved her hand. “Fine. I’m the pot calling the kettle black. Let’s move on.”

  Tanya Fudging Gellar, who had been blissfully silent up until then, said, “We need to get a list of everyone here.”

  “Good idea. Mom has a seating chart,” Ford said.

  I scowled. Yes, I was being petty. Tanya was with my dad now, no longer scheming to get my man, but still, there was something about Ford’s approval that made the blonde witch sparkle. Blech.

  “We need to eliminate as many people as we can from the suspect pool, so that we can narrow our focus. There are fifty people here tonight. That’s too many to vet in a couple of hours,” I said. I looked at the clock on the wall. “It’s five until seven. If we don’t get downstairs and get seated in the dining hall, Ford’s mom is going to send out a posse.”

  “Maybe we should stagger our departure. It might raise suspicion if we all go down as a group,” my dad said.

  “Dad, is there anyone you know that might be holding a grudge?” I hated to ask, but the sins of the parents, and all. “I mean, did I invite my own assassin to my party?”

  He pursed his lips. His unlined forehead wrinkled unnaturally as he contemplated the question. Finally, his face relaxed. “I can’t be sure, pumpkin. Your mother and I had our share of run-ins before and after you were born, and she made some powerful enemies. But I don’t know why they would have waited until now to take their revenge. It makes no sense.”

  “When we get the list from Ford’s mom, make sure you mark anyone you think might need a second look.”

  He nodded.

  “Okay, so I suppose we should all try to act as natural as possible during dinner. Interact with as many people as you can and make a note of anyone acting suspicious.”

  “Wanting to harm you is not suspicious behavior,” Lu-dead-to-me said.

  Tanya snorted. I glared at her and the cat. “Either be helpful or go away.”

  Tizzy and Dad looked at their girlfriends and shook their heads. Tanya managed to appear embarrassed. Loopidstupid maintained indifference.

  I almost forgot about my ace in the hole. “Lily, can you use some of your powers of persuasion to get some truths out of people?” A major spell gone wrong around Halloween had caused my werecougar friend to develop a latent witch talent passed down from her great grandmother, who it turned out, was a founding member of Paradise Falls. Lily could tell when someone was lying, and even better, the power encouraged people to be truthful with her when answering direct questions.

  My BFF nodded, her green eyes bright with intensity. “These days I’m better at detecting lies.”

  “Tizzy, I’d really like for you to skip tonight. Maybe go back to the house. Let my dad take you. Okay?”

  “Not okay,” she said. “I’m not leaving you with a lunatic on the loose.”

  “When I thought…” Grief caught in my throat. “I can’t lose you.”

  She leaped from the vanity and flew to me. I caught her easily. Tizzy clung to my neck, her tiny nails scratching my skin. “I’m not going anywhere, Haze. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

  I nodded. “I guess we all have a dinner to attend.”

  Ford’s phone beeped. “Mom again,” he said. “She wants to know where we’re at.”

  “Tell her we’re having sex.”

  “I guess everyone needs to skedaddle on out of here then.” Ford winked. “I can’t lie to my mom.”

  Lily laughed. My father cringed. “Please don’t put that image in my head,” he said. He made a circling gesture. “I think it’s time we all go.”

  We staggered our exits and went two by two by three, with Lily joining Ford and me at seven on the dot. I like to think that I glided down on Ford’s arm, but being a cop in sensible shoes on a daily basis doesn’t prepare you for an entire evening of stilettoes. I probably more closely resembled lame camel on stilts. Thank the goddess Ford was so yummy. All the people who would care, aka the women, whether I floated or clomped when we entered the ballroom for dinner had their peepers trained on my guy.

  Eat your heart out, ladies. In his tailored suit, Ford looked like James Bond. Well, if James Bond had been a rugged mountain man. Most the guests had taken their seats with only a few people still looking for their names on the place-holders. I groaned when I saw my cousin Sassy sitting on her kangaroo boyfriend’s lap. Nita and Bryant Baylor, Ford’s parents, were both red-faced, but Nita still achieved a smile when she saw us.

  My Aunt Joy was wearing a pink jersey dress that hugged her curves. My second cousin Ezra sat near the large cat Shifter alpha Mary Lowe. The two of them seemed to be having a lively discussion. Mike Crandall, the paullulum mammalia aka tiny c
ritters alpha, huddled in with Patrick Edger, a weremongoose in his clan. Also, a guy who was really great to have around when you needed some surveillance work done. Ford’s brother Lincoln sat next to Becksy Ansel, a teenage witch he’d been dating for a couple of months. If body language was any indication though, I think the relationship was close to running its course. Awkward. You should never plus one a new relationship months before an event.

  The seat next to Sassy and Jeeves hadn’t been taken yet. While I didn’t want to sit through a four-course meal listening to her wild tales, it would be ungracious of me to ignore her since I planned to ask her for help. Her abilities with mental telepathy could come in handy when we narrowed the suspect list down.

  I switched Gary Gary, first and last name, a name so nice his parents named him twice—at least that was the joke—and Rhoda Benson’s names with mine and Ford’s at the end of the table. Not only were Gary Gary, who was always referred to with both names, and Rhoda next to Sassy and Jeeves, but they were in the middle chairs on the long table. So bonus, I’d be able to hear more conversations there than way down at the end.

  “Haze!” Sassy exclaimed. She squirmed off Jeeves’ lap and into her seat. “You look anxious. You’re not having second thoughts, are you? Oh ho! Bitch’s feet are so cold they are frozen,” she hooted. “Need a quick exit? I can levitate you right out of here.”

  “My feet are plenty warm.” I squeezed Ford’s thigh as he settled into the seat next to me.

  Sassy leaned forward and scoped out my bear. “I’m sure there are plenty of warm parts on you. Huh, sugar bear?”

  I changed the subject. “How are things in Assjacket?”

  She really perked up then. “Raising kids, blowing shit up, and popping brains like zits. You know, the usual.”

  “You have kids?” Heaven help the children.

  “Four of them. They are terrifically stupid and adorable.”

  “How old?” I hadn’t realized she’d had quadruplets. Maybe it was a result of breeding with a kangaroo.

  “Oh, thirty-ish.”

  “Thirty-ish weeks?”

  “Years.” Sassy pulled out her phone and showed me pictures of four goofy guys with cute little grins. “Aren’t they sweet?”