Magic and Mayhem: Witchin' Impossible 4: Mr. & Mrs. Shift (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witchin' Impossible Mysteries)

by Renee George

  “Uh, sure.”

  “They’re really good boys.” She sighed happily. I’d never thought of Sassy as maternal. It looked good on her. “You know, some people aren’t so lucky. I was talking with a fellow tonight who lost his only child. I don’t know what I’d do without my kids. They’re not bright, but they’re mine.”

  Sassy was younger than thirty. “You didn’t give birth to grown men.”

  “Of course not. They’re chipmunk Shifters. They needed sponsorship in Assjacket, so Jeeves and I adopted them.”

  “Great.” I smiled. “No adopting strays or blowing up shit in Paradise Falls. At least not today.”

  Sassy guffawed. “I hate to make promises I can’t keep.”

  I laughed nervously, praying to the goddess she was kidding. The table settings consisted of salad fork, dinner fork, dessert fork, salad knife, butter knife, and soup spoon. Linen napkins were folded like stars where the plates would go. There was a water glass, already filled, a larger goblet for tea or soda, a wine glass, and a champagne flute. Nita had planned a series of toasts to the bride and groom during dessert.

  I scanned the room of witches, warlocks, and Shifters, trying not to be obvious in my observations for anyone who might look like they were ready to pull out a knife or a gun or throw some lethal magic at me. Most everyone seemed to be chatting with their neighbors as they sipped water and nibbled on rolls from the bread basket. Soon, the catering staff would bring out real drinks.

  “Do you see anything?” I said from the side of my mouth to Ford.

  “Not yet.” He slipped a piece of paper into my hand. “The seating chart. Mom gave it to me. She’s not happy about you changing the seating arrangement.”

  “Well, I guess we could tell her we’re about to feed my potential killer. Or killers.” I frowned. “You know it sucks that we might be providing sustenance to assassins.”

  My stomach gurgled. I grabbed a whole grain bun from the assortment and slathered it with butter and currant and blueberry jam. Little single-serve pots had been placed at each setting. The jam was my favorite. I took a bite and let the berry tart goodness coat my taste buds. “Mmm.”

  “Congratulations, you two,” a man across the table said. It was the guy from earlier. The one who’d given me the once over. Ford’s hand tightened on my knee. My love was a possessive man, but since I felt the same way when a woman made eyes at him, I didn’t hold it against him.

  “Thanks,” I said. “It’s nice of you to come for the wedding.” I saw the name Toby Rosen on the place-holder in front of him. “Did you have to travel far, Toby?”

  “I’m living in Rhode Island these days. I’m surprised you remember me. I think you were six or seven the last time I was in town.” He smiled, and his straight teeth reminded me of Chicklets. Big, square, white, and shiny. I wondered if he magically enhanced them or if they were natural. “I haven’t seen your family for a long time. It’s good to get back home.”

  Until Ford, I never believed anything in Paradise Falls was worth coming back for, so it was surprising to find out that someone was happy to visit. “Do you have kin still here?”

  “Yes, Cheryl Gellar is my sister.”

  Gag. “Tanya’s mom?”

  “Yes.” He smiled. “I heard Tanya was dating Kent. Interesting to know it’s true.”

  “Why interesting?”

  “We knew your mother, of course. The idea of Kent dating my niece, well, it was surprising. Honestly, I can’t believe my sister didn’t try to interfere.”

  “Maybe she did.” Damn. Had I been too wrapped up in my own stuff to see my dad going through his own melodrama?

  “I don’t think so. I suppose she thinks bygones should be bygones. Besides, fathers and daughters should know as little as possible about each other’s love lives.”

  I laughed. “That’s a true story.” Toby was charming. He must have gotten the nice genes in his family. “Do you have a daughter?”

  “No.” He held up a bare hand. “It wasn’t in the cards for me.” Toby was cute and charismatic. If Lily hadn’t been so wrapped up with a human guy back in Missouri, I would have tried setting up the two of them.

  The wait staff brought out little plates of garden salad and small bowls of cold watermelon soup. A scream, followed by silence, followed by alarmed voices had me struggling out of the chair. This dress was unforgiving, and I deeply regretted choosing it. “What’s going on?”

  Lily found me first. “Oh my Goddess, Haze. He’s dead.”

  “Who?” I saw my dad and gave a small sigh of relief. “Who’s dead?”

  “Gary Gary.” She clasped my hand. “He keeled over—right into his salad.”

  Chapter Five

  “Poor Gary Gary. Maybe he choked on a cherry tomato,” Lily said. “It just takes one wrong inhalation at the right moment.”

  “Nope,” Tanya Frigid Gellar said, using her medical examiner voice. “Throat is clear.” She stripped off her latex gloves.

  Nita and Bryant Baylor had ushered all the guests back into the drawing room. Needless to say, no one was hungry anymore. And even if they were, who’d eat the salad now?

  “Myocardial Infarction? Aneurism?” My BFF was stretching for some kind of natural cause.

  “He’s a warlock. He’s not going to have either of those things.” Witches and warlocks didn’t tend to suffer from mundane human ailments. Which was awesome, but it also meant that Gary Gary’s death wasn’t an accident.

  “Lily, can you get some details from Rhoda?” I asked. Maybe she could shed some light on the events leading up to Gary Gary keeling over.

  “Sure thing.”

  I loved Lily for not making this any harder for me.

  Bryant Baylor, the stockier, shorter, grumpier, older version of my husband stomped over to me.

  “What is going on here, Hazel? And don’t blow smoke up my ass. You and Ford have been secretive and scarce all afternoon. I know you’re hiding something. Is Gary Gary’s sudden demise part of it?”

  “I…” tried to think of good lie and failed, “really don’t know. Honest. I don’t know why he died.”

  “I think you’re full of shit,” Bryant grumbled.

  “Dad,” Ford warned.

  “Oh, you know I like Hazel just fine, son. You and she make a good pair, but I know bull when I hear it.”

  “It’s an official investigation,” I said, finally coming up with a good fib. “I can’t talk about it with a civilian.”

  “Uh huh.” Bryant scowled. “I better go help Nita calm the other guests. I was sent to tell you that an ambulance will be here in soon to take Gary Gary.”

  “Thanks.” It meant we only had a short time to figure out what happened to him.

  Lily returned a few minutes later. “Rhoda said Gary Gary started sweating profusely, he complained about a headache, and said his stomach burned. A few minutes after that, he complained about bugs crawling into the candles, and then ranted about pink puffballs trying to suffocate him. That’s when he went face-first into the salad.”

  “Why would he go crazy and die? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It does,” Lily said. “I think he was poisoned.”

  “How?”

  “My best guess? Nightshade. It’s fast-acting in witches.”

  “In the salad?”

  “No. It would’ve been hidden in something sweet … oh! The currant and blueberry jam. We should probably have it tested.”

  I gaped. “Not the jam!” That sealed it. The poison, if it was nightshade, had been meant for me. It’s common knowledge how much I loved the stuff. I’d been known to lick containers clean.

  “I switched seats with Gary Gary,” I said, horrified. “He’s dead because I took his spot.”

  Ford put his arm around me. “You didn’t kill him. That blames lies with murderer.” He kissed the top of my head. “And I’m glad you’re still breathing.”

  “Is there any way to test for nightshade poisoning?” I asked
Tanya.

  “Nothing quick.” She lifted Gary Gary’s eyelid. “His pupils are wide and fixed.” She plucked up his lip. “Mucus membranes are dry. I think Lily might be right.” She gave my BFF and appraising glance. “Smart girl.”

  Lils shrugged. “I read a lot.”

  “I could try a reveal spell.”

  Tanya huffed. “Those are complicated.”

  “They are my only specialty,” I told my soon to be horror-in-law. Gag.

  “Poison, poison

  Deadly bright.

  Reveal nightshade

  With hot pink light.

  If death’s herbs

  Were meant for me,

  Show it now,

  So mote it be.”

  I had learned spell casting from a witchcraft for idiots book, and apparently, so mote it be wasn’t necessary to make magic work. I’d found that I’d gotten so used it as part of the ritual that whenever I left those words off my spells failed more than half the time.

  However, the tablecloth where Gary Gary had been sitting began to glow hot pink, and so did the single serving jam pot. Yes! I stuck my tongue out at Tanya. Just a quick, neener-neener-neener. My spell had worked. And by the pink light coating Gary Gary’s mouth and fingers, he had definitely eaten the poison. It was also on Tanya’s hands and Lily’s. Casual transfer from their examinations.

  “That is some motherfucking gross shit,” Sassy exclaimed.

  “Who let her back in here?” I asked anyone. “Sassy, you and Jeeves need to go to the drawing room with the rest of the guests.”

  “Fuck that shit,” Sassy said. “Carol asked me to keep an eye on you, and when the head bitch shouts jump, I ask how high.” She put her hand to her mouth. “Ooops. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.”

  “Baba Yaga sent you to watch me?”

  “Well, watch over you. Just a little. Sorta.”

  “What did she say exactly?”

  “Sassy, you should go to Hazel’s wedding.” Sassy sniffed. “I told her, fuck yeah! We have four kids at home and it’s nice to get out of town for a minute. We’ve had sexy time in every room in this place since we got here yesterday.”

  “Not the Bride’s Room.”

  Sassy nodded. “That’s the first room we hit. The bed is pretty bouncy.” She giggled. “Security is pretty loose at this place.” She winked then looked over her shoulder, wiggled her butt and waved at Jeeves. The kangaroo Shifter smiled, his head jerked in a nervous tic, and then he waved back.

  Tizzy squeaked her disapproval. “This falls under TMI,” said the queen of TMI.

  “So, Baba Yaga didn’t say I was in danger or anything like that?”

  “She implied it.”

  “How?”

  “By telling me to come to your wedding.” She blew a stray curl from her face. “I can read between the lines. I’ve even started to learn French.”

  “Parlez-vous français?” Tanya asked.

  “Are you calling me out? Because I will explode a bitch,” Sassy said.

  Tanya shrank back. Reluctantly, I stepped in to help. “She asked if you speak French in French.”

  “Oh.” Sassy blushed. “I’m only at the boonjourney and wee wee.”

  “Got it.” I widened my eyes to Tanya, and we exchanged a look that said, that bitch is nuts. We didn’t agree on much, Tanya and I, but on this, we were in perfect harmony.

  Which made me think maybe Carol had just wanted to get Sassy out of town for a hot minute. That I would understand. But more than likely, Baba Yaga knew about the bounty on my head. But why send Sassy? Why not send her investigators?

  Nita Baylor sauntered over. She glanced down at the body and winced. “I’ve talked to the caterer. He said he can hold dinner for half an hour before the food is ruined. Do you think they’ll have Gary Gary moved by then?”

  “We have to cancel the dinner,” I told her.

  “No!” Nita’s eyes widened with horror. “I spent almost a thousand dollars alone on the meal. We can’t cancel.”

  Ford put his hand on his mom’s shoulder. “We think Gary Gary’s death is a result of poisoning. We can’t risk anyone else dying because of the food.”

  “But Jordan Masters comes so highly recommended. He’s cooked for Baba Yaga,” she protested, but most of the fight had left her tone. “Fine. How about cocktails then?”

  I shook my head. “I think we better keep to canned and bottled drinks for the time being.”

  Nita sighed, and I felt a little bad that all her careful planning had been destroyed. “Dying at a wedding dinner is just rude,” she lamented.

  “I’m sure Gary Gary is sorry,” Ford said.

  Nita blanched, properly chastised, and walked away, presumably to find canned soda.

  High Priestess Sandy joined our little group. “I’ve come to check on you both,” she said to Ford and me. “I’m here if you need spiritual guidance.” She held out her hands in a gesture of openness.

  Ford and I gave each other a quick look then focused back on the priestess. “Oh, Sandy,” I said. I took her right hand in mine and pointed out the hot pink glow on her palm. “I think you have some ‘splaining to do.”

  Chapter Six

  We’d turned the Elysian Room into an interrogation space. It was small and intimate, and there were no windows. Perfect for getting confessions. I’d had Ford call in for back up to contain the guests and the folks working the event. There was some complaining by the caterer and his staff, but I think most of our family, friends, and family friends were freaked out enough to comply without a lot of fuss.

  Ford stayed out in the drawing room to coordinate the lockdown while Lily, my werecougar lie detector, sat next to me behind a small white desk. We put a chair on the other side for the interviewee. In this case, Sister Sandy.

  “How did you get nightshade poison on your hand?” I asked her.

  The priestess’s eyes darted nervously around the room. “I have no idea how it got there.”

  I looked at Lily. “She’s telling the truth.”

  “It could have been secondary contact. How many hands have you shook today?”

  Sandy’s expression soured. “You mean other than you?”

  “I didn’t poison the jam.”

  “Neither did I,” the priestess said. “I only meant that I’ve shook a lot of hands today.”

  “Did you wash your hands at any time?” I asked. The glow was too bright for it to only be a trace amount.

  Sandy nodded. “Yes, of course. I…I had to tinkle after, you know. I have a stress bladder.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  Gary Gary had gone down at around seven fifteen.

  “Right after we were all ushered out of the dining room.”

  So, the poisoner had shook hands with Sandy after she peed in the past hour. “Did you shake hands with any of the workers, or was it just guests?”

  “Guests. I had no reason to shake hands with the catering staff.”

  “Which guests?” Lily asked.

  “I don’t know everyone’s names.”

  “A description will do if you can remember.”

  Sandy looked at the wall for a moment. “You have to understand. I see dozens of people at these kinds of events every month. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve stopped paying attention to faces.” She waved her hand. Her bangles jangled with the gesture. “I recall a charcoal gray suit, a pale green dress, and two blue dresses.”

  That wasn’t helpful, considering I was wearing a blue dress and so were half the women at the party.

  “I really don’t know any more,” Sandy said. She narrowed her eyes at me. “And I still haven’t seen Vivi or my shawl. Are you planning to cancel the binding? It might be for the best at this point.”

  “No. I’m not cancelling the ceremony. I will find your missing shawl, okay?”

  “I get paid whether the ceremony takes place or not, so I hope you do. Can I go now? I feel a migraine coming on.”

 
“That’s a lie,” Lily said.

  “Fine!” Sandy stood up. “I’ve had enough of these questions, and I want to leave. Now. Unless you plan to arrest me.”

  I wanted to arrest her on the charge being a jerk. I’m certain I could get a conviction. “Don’t go anywhere.” I was getting married tonight, even if I had to hold the priestess hostage.

  After Sister Sandy left, Ford opened the door. “Your father and I have been through the list, and we can’t narrow it down. There’s no one he can pinpoint as holding a grudge.”

  I turned to Lily. “I think we get tough on crime.”

  ****

  By the time we got the thirty guests and the twelve employees lined up against the ballroom walls, many of the townfolk coming out for the sendoff and ceremony had started to arrive. Ford instructed Alice Michaels, a deputy and Shifter, to keep the new arrivals outside until we could examine everyone inside. And, as Sandy had reminded me, we still had to find the shawl. No shawl, no magical bonds.

  I cast the nightshade spell again, and like pixy dust, our dinner guests all lit up in one place or another. The poisoner was no fool. He or she had made sure to expose everyone in some way to the deadly plant. Well, screw me sideways. I guess it had been too much to expect that our killer would wear a big sign that said, “You’re Looking For Me.”

  It would have made a spectacular wedding present though.

  Tizzy and Ludiamondchiller raced over to me. “We found something,” Tiz said. She leaped onto my back, her mini-claws gripping the bandage dress as she crawled up to my shoulder. “It was in a fireplace grate.”

  My heart sank. “What did you find in the fireplace?”

  My familiar jumped down and pulled a burnt multicolored swatch out of Ludicrous’s collar. “Please don’t tell me it’s Sister Sandy’s shawl.”

  “It’s not Sister Sandy’s shawl.”

  “Thank the Goddess.”

  Tizzy glared at me, her large almond brown eyes giving me the “Are you some kind of stupid?” look.

  “What?”

  “Of course, it’s Sister Sandy’s shawl, Haze. Don’t be daft.”