Always You

by Stephanie Rose

  I cringed, as that was the first thing that crossed my mind when I caught her playing with it. Not that she would know what she was repeating, but that was a meeting I never wanted to have.

  “It was off, I think. I hope. Oh, God.” I put my face in my hands and Lucas thought my discomfort was hysterical.

  “I’m sure she didn’t see anything. Sorry to cut this short, but I have to get back. With Thanksgiving this week I have to cram a week’s worth of work into three days.” Lucas got up, and as usual held out his hand to help me up. It was a cute little gesture, and I couldn’t deny the jolt I felt when I put my hand in his.

  “I’m sorry. You should have told me you were busy, we could have rescheduled.” We headed outside, and I realized we were still holding hands. When I looked down, Lucas let go of my hand.

  “But then we wouldn’t have seen each other until Monday. I didn’t want to go that long. I’m too used to your face now.” Lucas gave me a wink and a smile.

  I smiled and nodded back. I didn’t want to go that long, either. Lucas was always the best part of my day, even if I could never tell him.

  “Well, Happy Thanksgiving!” I gave Lucas a kiss on his cheek, and he surprised me by wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

  “Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.” He kissed my forehead. “But we’ll probably talk before, after, and during, right?”

  Whether it was right or not, I was grateful this Thanksgiving that fate had brought this man back to me, even though I still couldn’t have him the way I wanted.

  He gave me a sad smile as he leaned his forehead against mine. I shut my eyes to control the fluttering in my stomach that didn’t feel merely friendly. I was starting to need him, and it scared me. This was getting dangerous.

  “Well, this is an interesting place.” I looked around at Manhattan’s attempt at doing country. Bella stayed with her grandparents that Friday night, so Lucas suggested a barbecue pre-Christmas dinner at a new theme restaurant on Twenty-Sixth Street. The music was getting louder as a group of drunken businessmen tried to line dance. The food was delicious, home-style country goodness with the overpricing that New York City was famous for.

  “Open your mind a little. This is a cool place. Maybe we can go next.” Lucas stood up and tried to pull me by the hand to dance.

  “Easy, cowboy. I’m not tipsy enough yet to feel comfortable making an ass of myself. Have a seat.” I pulled him back to sit, but instead of going back to his seat across from me, he landed in the chair next to me.

  “Aw, come on.” Lucas put his arm around me and whispered. “Pretend I’m a cowboy from one of your books. I’ve had a long day on the tractor and need a pretty girl to take care of me. Won’t you take care of me, Sam?” Every single hair on the back of my neck stood up and my breath caught in my throat as he crooned in my ear.

  Sweet baby Jesus. I pictured Lucas in tight wranglers and a Stetson hat, shirt off with beads of sweat dripping off every hard muscle on his chest. The thought created a throbbing ache between my legs. I needed to distract myself before I lost all control.

  “What the hell did California do to you?” I backed my face away from his lips, and he gave me an exaggerated pout.

  The music got slower, and Lucas stood up again to offer me his hand.

  “I know you can keep up with this one, city girl. Dance with me.” My mind knew this wasn’t the right thing to do, but my legs didn’t give a shit and followed Lucas to the dance floor.

  Lonely Tonight by Blake Shelton and Ashley Monroe was one of the few country songs I recognized. I tried to ignore the ironically poetic meaning of the lyrics as Lucas took my hand and held it close to his chest as we swayed to the music, inching closer to each other as the song progressed. I let myself bury my head in his neck, and Lucas still smelled the same—like a sweet cologne I could never pinpoint. I’d memorized the scent after he lent me a T-shirt one day in school. I “forgot” to give it back, and then didn’t wash it for weeks. I chose to think of that as a sweet—not stalker—type of memory.

  I looked up and realized we were the only couple on the dance floor. The music had stopped and we hadn’t noticed. Lucas cleared his throat and led me by the hand back to our table. I asked the waiter for another beer to calm my frayed nerves.

  We finished our pork ribs and corn bread and got back to ourselves again, laughing and teasing each other as we ordered one last round of drinks.

  “Wait, I almost forgot. Merry Christmas.” He handed me a wrapped square box with a ribbon on the top.

  “Lucas, I wish you hadn’t done that. I don’t have anything for you.”

  “It’s not that big a deal; don’t panic. Open it.”

  I’d learned to live without presents for Christmas and birthdays the past few years. I was Santa and the Easter Bunny at home, but I couldn’t remember the last time I found a gift of my own under the tree. As I undid the ribbon and ripped open the paper, I couldn’t help getting excited.

  “An owl Kindle cover?”

  Lucas gave me a shy smile. “We never saw the guy on the street, and I know you like owls since you wear that pendant all the time. Now all your trashy novels are safe.” He cocked an eyebrow at me as I tried to hold back the tears. It was a small gift, but it meant so much to me. It was evidence that he paid attention to what I said, and what I liked. He cared. That kind of a gift was priceless.

  Swallowing hard so I could speak, I put my hand on top of Lucas’s.

  “Thank you … so much. It was so nice—” Lucas turned his hand over and interlocked our fingers.

  “My pleasure, Sam. I’m glad you like it.”

  We put our coats on in silence after we paid the check. Lucas accompanied me to the subway station, taking my hand in his when we got to the steps.

  “I guess I’ll see you next week.” As he ran his thumb back and forth across the top of my wrist, sadness took over Lucas’s face. He tried to smile, but it seemed forced. What were we doing? This couldn’t end well. He finally looked at me the way I’d wanted him to for all those years, but I couldn’t do anything about it.

  “Sure.” I put my arms around Lucas’s neck. My body had a mind of its own tonight. I kissed his cheek, and he shut his eyes tight. He leaned in to kiss me back, heading straight for my lips. My stomach bottomed out as the moment I’d waited to happen for over a decade was finally here. I was frozen in place and couldn’t stop him if I wanted to—which I absolutely didn’t. He stopped just short, kissing me on the corner of my mouth.

  I took Lucas’s face in my mitten-covered hands. Our eyes locked for minutes, hours, I couldn’t really tell. He broke the silence with a snicker.

  “Mittens, huh? Borrow those from Bella?”

  “Don’t knock them. They’re nice and toasty. My fingers work together to keep each other warm.” He laughed and kissed my forehead.

  “Text me when you get home, please. It’s late.”

  I nodded. “Yes, sir.” I gave him a pretend salute.

  We finally let each other go and backed away. I instantly felt empty and wrapped my arms around myself so I could still feel his embrace.

  “Thank you again, Lucas. I still feel terrible that I didn’t get you anything.”

  Lucas glanced down at the sidewalk and let out a long sigh. When he picked his head up to meet my gaze, his piercing blue eyes were pained.

  “You’re my favorite part of every day. That’s my gift. Merry Christmas, Sam.”

  “Merry Christmas, Lucas.” I smiled big enough to hide the tear rolling down my cheek.

  Amazing how the most joy I’d ever felt came hand in hand with painful despair. I finally had the one thing I always wanted, but I wasn’t free to take it. God certainly had a hell of a sense of humor.

  After Christmas, things shifted between Lucas and me. There had always been some kind of attraction, but now I couldn’t deny the fact it wasn’t one-sided.

  I raced around the house, getting ready for work in record time after sleeping thr
ough my alarm. I’d never done that before, but I’d been texting back and forth with Lucas until about two o’clock. We spoke all day long now, and into the night. When I wasn’t thinking about him, I was speaking to him. There was no way I could keep kidding myself that we were “just friends.” Sure, nothing physical had happened yet, but only because we were always in public. The accidental brushes against each other that sent shivers right up my spine and the hello and goodbye kisses that lingered longer than they should were slowly chipping away at my resolve. It was becoming a question of when something would happen between us, not if.

  Making sure Bella was packed for another Daisies sleepover tonight, I quickly slipped on my pencil skirt and pale blue silk blouse for this morning’s client meeting. I was enjoying a quick cup of coffee when Marc sauntered out of our bedroom with a large duffle bag and headed right for the door.

  “Going somewhere?”

  Marc stopped in his tracks without looking at me.

  Maybe he was leaving for good? He was hardly ever home. He picked Bella up from school, dropped her off at his parents’ house and then hung out with his buddies. Our house had become somewhere to shower and eat before heading back out.

  “Tonight is Rob’s bachelor party in Atlantic City. Carmine is picking me up. I probably won’t be home until sometime Sunday afternoon.”

  I shrugged. “Have fun.” I put the empty coffee mug in the sink and was about to call Bella downstairs.

  “Wow, that’s all you have to say? No twenty questions or bitching about me being out. You feeling okay?” Marc laughed.

  “What difference would that make? You come and go as you please without giving your wife and daughter a second thought. Why waste energy?” I didn’t care what Marc did anymore—at all. So after all these years of being treated like a nag and an inconvenience, why did I feel guilty? Things had been heading this way between us for a long time, but over the past few months seemed to be getting worse at a much faster rate. Was it because my heart wasn’t in it? My interests were elsewhere, and the ding of an incoming text from my phone at seven forty-five in the morning confirmed it.

  “Whatever.” Marc rolled his eyes and hustled out the door. I blamed him for our marriage failing, but it wasn’t all him. I gave up on us a long time ago. Our marriage had been two people going through the motions for a long time, and now we didn’t even do that.

  Lucas: How about dinner tonight?

  Me: Sure. I can meet you at six. I’m up for whatever you want to eat.

  Lucas: Great, meet me at my apartment after you get out of work. Ring the top bell and I’ll buzz you in.

  His apartment? What the hell was I doing? The emotional affair we were obviously having was the elephant in the room we never discussed. In my silly little brain, denying it was the only way I could keep it from progressing. Saying “no, being in your apartment is not a good idea” made it truer than I was ready to deal with.

  Me: OK. See you then.

  I wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all myself.

  We’ll only be here for a little while. I’ll stay as far away as physically possible until we go out. I can handle myself for a half hour.

  I ran up the stairs to Lucas’s apartment after he buzzed me in. He was waiting with the door open when I got to the top of the stairs.

  “Glad you’re finally here.” Lucas gave me big smile and a kiss on the cheek as he led me inside. The tight black T-shirt and ripped jeans he wore didn’t help my cause.

  This was the first time I’d ever been to Lucas’s apartment. Taking a quick look around, it was a typical bachelor pad with his oversized TV and plain walls—not that I’d been to any other single man’s apartment to know for sure. I was about to ask where we were going when the smell of garlic and roasted tomatoes invaded my senses.

  “You’re cooking dinner?”

  Lucas laughed. “Don’t look so surprised. I have an Italian mother; of course I can cook. I figured you had a stressful week and have nowhere to be tonight; we could have a nice dinner here. Everything is almost done. Take your jacket off and have a seat. Want some wine?”

  Shit, this is not good. I can’t leave now after he went to all this trouble. I’ll just eat and then go home—piece of cake.

  “Wine would be great, thank you.” My nerves were completely shot. I had to make sure to drink just enough to be relaxed, not uninhibited.

  I sat in his small dining room as Lucas finished cooking, chatting about nothing like we usually did. We continued small talk during dinner, but the wine had no effect on me. I was just as jumpy as when I walked through the door.

  Our fingers touched as we cleared the dishes together. His kitchen was so small, our bodies brushed up against each other with every move we made. My body involuntarily gravitated towards him and it was only a matter of time before I wasn’t able to resist the pull we had.

  “I should go, Lucas. Thank you for a great dinner.” I grabbed my jacket from the coat rack by the door. As I tried to put it on, Lucas caught my arm to stop me.

  “What’s the rush? We only just ate. You don’t have to be home by a certain time, right?” Of course, he wouldn’t make it easy to leave.

  “You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” The more time we spent alone in this apartment, the more dangerous it became.

  “Lucas, I’m married. I shouldn’t be here. We’re getting way too close.” I shook my head and put on my jacket again. I needed to get out of there.

  Lucas turned away from me. He let out a long sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. I was taken aback by the scowl on his gorgeous face.

  “Yes. I know that.” He sounded disgusted, like acknowledging the fact left a bad taste in his mouth. “Believe me, I know you’re married. To him. He doesn’t deserve you.” Lucas usually did a good job hiding his feelings about Marc, but I supposed he’d reached his breaking point.

  I let out a long sigh and glanced up at the ceiling as I tried to find the right words to say. Yes, he was going to make this as difficult as possible to walk out the door.

  “Lucas, it’s not that simple—”

  “I know I’m not supposed to think about you all day long. I know I’m not supposed to want to talk to you every minute of the day, or touch you, or kiss you. But, fuck—” Lucas closed the space between us and grabbed me by the nape of my neck, pulling me towards him. “That’s all I ever want to do, Sam.” Our faces were close enough that our lips were almost touching.

  From the hungry look in his eyes, I thought he was going to kiss me hard, but he was gentle. A light kiss at first, gentle pecks on my lips, very soft but lingering longer each time his lips touched mine. His hand slid from my neck to the small of my back as he pulled me closer. My heartbeat thundered in my ears as I realized I was about to completely give in. As soon as it seemed the kiss was about to get deeper, he pulled back. His eyes were shut tight as if he was fighting with himself to pull away. He rested his forehead against mine.

  “Tell me to stop. Tell me to stop kissing you and I will.”

  C’mon Samantha, push him away and leave. Do the right thing.

  How many times had I dreamed about this moment? The Lucas in front of me was real, warm, and hard—and willing to step away. Instead, I pulled him closer, taking his bottom lip between my lips and sucking on it—letting it go with a little pop. It was like I always imagined his lips would taste—soft and sweet. I let my tongue dart out and licked the seam of his lips. There was no way I could will myself to leave. He tasted delicious, and I wanted more.

  That was all the encouragement he needed. He crashed his lips onto mine, finally kissing me hard with a passion and hunger I’d never experienced before. Lucas grabbed me by the hips and pulled me towards him. I loved feeling how much he wanted me.

  In my past experience, the longer you wanted something, the more disappointing it was when you finally got it. It’s never as good as what you’d built it up to be in your head. Lucas was the exception to the rule. After all tho
se years I’d spent crushing on him, and full out lusting in recent months, kissing him was mind-blowing. It was better than I ever could have imagined.

  Lucas let out a groan and pulled back. He took my face in his hands, looking at me like he didn’t believe I wasn’t saying no.

  “You’re sure?” I didn’t know if it was a statement or a question.

  “The only thing I’m sure of is I don’t want you to stop. Please, Lucas.” I begged against his lips. Lucas kissed his way down my neck and across my collarbone. His lips—hot, wet and oh so damn skilled— made my entire body tremble.

  “Do you know how much I want you?” Lucas whispered in my ear. “How long I’ve waited to touch you like this?” Lucas’s hand traveled up my thigh and dipped inside my panties. I tried to push my legs together to relieve the throbbing, but his hand pulled them apart.

  “Tell me what you want, baby—my fingers, my mouth, or both? I bet you taste so fucking good.”

  His thumb found its way to my clit, as he made light little circles. I lifted my arms around his neck and held on tight for fear of my knees giving out. As he pushed two fingers inside me, I went limp in his arms. Just being close to Lucas made my body temperature rise, Lucas touching me was almost too much to handle. His hands were as good as his lips, and I wanted both on me—everywhere.

  As he picked up the pace, my insides clenched and my legs went rigid. I whimpered at the unexpected loss when he took away his fingers and stopped kissing me.

  “Well Sam, what’s your choice?” Lucas asked. He looked unsure again, and I thought maybe he was giving me a final out, but I was way beyond the point of retreat.

  “Both. Please give me both, Lucas.” There was a hint of begging in my voice again, but I couldn’t have cared less.

  Lucas pushed me up against the wall, grabbed my panties and dragged them down my legs. He knelt in front of me, biting his lip as he lifted my skirt above my thighs. He hooked my right leg over his shoulder and dove right in like a starving man— moaning like I was the best thing he’d ever tasted. Vibrations traveled all the way down to my toes as his fingers went back to where they were before, making my legs shake. I felt an orgasm building that I was afraid would tear me in half. When he sucked my clit into his mouth, I came so hard I lost my balance and slid down the wall. Lucas caught me and pulled me close.