Always You

by Stephanie Rose

  “You still with me?” he asked with hooded eyes.

  I shut my eyes and nodded. I needed him inside me, and I didn’t care about anything else.

  I had just passed “wrong” and, somehow, boarded the express train straight to hell.

  I looked over at the alarm clock on Lucas’s nightstand, four o’clock. I didn’t want to travel home so late, and Lucas was asleep with his arm around my waist and his head nestled in the crook of my shoulder. As I rolled over slowly as to not wake him, I winced at the soreness between my legs. Laughable since my V-Card had been gone for a long time. One night of incredible sex must’ve given my lady parts quite the workout. ‘Incredible’ meant more than just Lucas being amazing in bed. I felt desired and wanted, like he couldn’t get enough of me.

  “Whatcha thinking about, Sam?” I jumped since I thought he was asleep. He ran his knuckles along my chin as he lifted his head to look at me. I fought the urge to lean into his touch.

  “Nothing. I’m going to stay here until seven if that’s okay with you. I don’t want fight the drunks to get a cab back home.”

  I had never spent the night at any other guy’s house, and I wasn’t sure what it meant if I decided to stay—if I looked too needy or clingy. I also didn’t know what this was between us or even if I should encourage it at all.

  “You really think I’m going to throw you out at four o’clock to go home? Jesus, Samantha. Give me a little credit.” Uh oh, I only got “Samantha” from Lucas when he was annoyed.

  “Well, sorry. I don’t do this very often. Forgive me for not having proper etiquette when someone fucks your brains out and then you have to go home.” At ‘someone fucks your brains out,’ Lucas jerked back like I’d smacked him.

  “Is that what this was to you? Fucking? I care about you—a lot. I thought you knew that. And yes, this situation is far from ideal and I can’t be with you out in the open the way I want, but make no mistake, last night wasn’t ‘fucking someone’s brains out’ to me!” Lucas went from annoyed to straight up pissed off in a matter of seconds.

  He turned around and sat up, starting to get out of bed; I scrambled up and wrapped my arms around him from behind.

  “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad. I’m just—I don’t know how to deal with this. Please forgive me. It wasn’t just fucking to me either, I swear.” I found myself kissing his cheek, then behind his ear and down his neck. My hand slipped down his chiseled chest, over the glorious ripples of his abs and wrapped around the long, hard source of why I would be walking funny to the subway in a couple of hours. The tension left his shoulders as he groaned. I’d won him back, and Lucas turned and put his hand on my cheek, lifting my face to meet his.

  “I know, and I don’t want to push you. Christ, it’s going to drive me insane thinking of you in his bed now.” Lucas ran his fingers through his hair and hung his head. There was a look on his face that melted my insides. I couldn’t tell what it was. Pain? Longing? Was I really getting him this twisted? Me? The past 12 hours were a little hard to process.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I have news for you. I haven’t done anything other than sleep in his bed in a very, very long time, so you can rest ea—”

  Lucas put his finger on my lips and shook his head. “I don’t want to think about that now. When the sun comes up, we’ll figure out whatever this means and where to go from here. But right now,” He moved until he was on top of me, staring right into my eyes. It was a good thing I was laying down because my knees had melted into jelly.

  “Right now, you’re mine. And nothing else matters to me except how beautiful you look every time I make you come.”

  Sweet Jesus. This man was going to be the death of me. He kissed me, slow but hard, running his hands up and down my body. He moved his mouth lower and lower—from my neck down to my breasts, tracing circles around one of my nipples with his tongue. I moaned and pulled at his hair as my eyes rolled in back of my head. Lucas knew exactly how to touch me, and as he got to know my body, every kiss and caress was better than the one before. He stopped, looked deep into my eyes again, and ran his thumb over my lips. I felt worshipped by a man for maybe the first time in my life. Lucas reached over to his nightstand drawer to pull out a condom, quickly tearing the wrapper open and rolling it on. He climbed back on top of me and ran his fingers through my hair.

  “You’re so fucking gorgeous, and you really have no idea, do you?” Before I could answer, he covered my mouth with his. With one thrust he was back inside me, in and out, deeper and deeper. I lifted my hips in rhythm with his movements. Sex with Lucas was like an addictive drug—after only one night. If it were up to me, I would never leave his bed.

  I prayed seven o’clock would never come.

  It was seven o’clock already. Sam had wanted to get up and leave by now but I didn’t want to wake her. Her slender arms were draped around my waist and her head lay on my stomach. She nuzzled into me, placing a soft kiss on my chest before letting out a sweet little moan. I wasn’t sure if she was waking up so I didn’t speak. My chest constricted as I studied her face and gently stroked her long silky hair. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. So damn beautiful. How could I let her go home?

  I realized a while ago that we didn’t have long before we gave in to this insane attraction that had built up all these months, but this was the part I always dreaded—Sam leaving my bed and going back to her husband. For the next five minutes, I decided to pretend Marc didn’t exist. It was only me and Sam. Morning sun leaked through my window, telling me my time was running out and pissing me off even more.

  “Lucas? What time is it?” Sam’s voice was raspy as she stirred awake. I hoped she wouldn’t be mad that I let her sleep.

  “Seven.” I whispered into her hair as I kissed the top of her head. While she was here, I kidded myself that she was mine. And I could touch her and kiss her all I wanted.

  She slowly pushed off my chest, rubbing her eyes. She was still half asleep, didn’t seem to realize she was naked, and didn’t lift the sheet to cover herself as she sat up. All I could think about at that moment was tracing a circle around a light pink nipple with my tongue and feeling her body squirm under me, the way it had over and over again last night. I became very familiar with every inch of her amazing body in the hours before we finally fell asleep, and my cock hardened immediately at the memory.

  Sam looked down at herself, and with an adorable blush on her cheeks glanced up at me and giggled. Even though last night was all kinds of wrong, everything felt so very right. She had to feel that way too. I never had such an intense connection with anyone before Sam.

  “I need to get going.” Sam let out a long sigh, and stood from the bed. She picked up her clothes that were scattered all over the floor, all while still completely naked. She was killing me little by little. I nodded, but didn’t pretend to look away.

  I grabbed my jeans from last night that had somehow gotten draped over the headboard and slipped them on. Before I got out of bed, Sam was fully dressed and pulling on her jacket.

  “I better get home.” Sam gave me a sad smile and lowered her gaze to study the floor. I’d expected her to run out of here, and was surprised to see her stalling.

  “I’ll walk you downstairs.” I took her hand—she was still in my apartment and still mine—and walked her down the inside steps to the door.

  We gazed at each other for a long minute. I could barely keep how I felt about Sam to myself before, how the hell was I supposed to do it now? I didn’t have to wonder anymore how amazing we would be together. Now I knew. God, how I knew. I wanted her so much—all of her. I wanted her to leave Marc and to finally realize she deserved much better than that asshole. I’d treat her like a princess. She wouldn’t want for anything. Be with me, Sam. The desperate thoughts in my head were deafening.

  Sam leaned against the back of the door as she looked at me, her eyes filling with tears. I took her face in my hands, my thumbs wiping away what she couldn’t hold in.<
br />
  “Text me when you get home. The subways run weird this early on the weekend.” She nodded and I kissed her forehead, lingering and inching my lips down to her eyelids and then her cheeks. I meant to give her just a peck, but once our mouths connected we lost all control. My hand tangled in her hair as she moaned into my mouth. I pressed my body against hers as she pulled at the hair on the back of my neck. I realized that pretending to be friends was now a ship that long sailed as my tongue darted in and out of that perfect mouth.

  “Oh, excuse me—” Cute little elderly Mrs. Taylor had stepped out of her first floor apartment and was about take her daily stroll to buy the morning paper. She looked at us and chuckled. She’d gotten quite an eyeful of my shirtless self as I groped Sam.

  “Sorry to interrupt. I’ll be out of your way in a jiffy. She’s cute, Lucas!”

  Sam laughed into my chest as I pulled us away from the door and nodded. “Yes, she sure is,” I replied as Mrs. Taylor scooted her way out the door.

  I shook my head, and Sam put her hand on my cheek. “I better go,” she whispered as she gave me one last, soft kiss on the lips before creeping out the door. “We wouldn’t want to wake anyone else, would we?” She waved as she shut the door behind her.

  I leaned my head against the wall. Last night was a complete game changer for us. I only prayed that when she walked out of my door, she didn’t walk out of my life.

  I spent most of the train ride home in a daze. Nothing felt real, as if I’d stepped into some kind of alternate reality. I could still taste Lucas’s lips and feel him moving inside me. I had sex with Lucas effing Hunter—this had to be a dream.

  I still remembered the first time I met Lucas at a Fourth of July barbecue at Daina’s house, what now seemed like a lifetime ago.

  “Hey Lucas. This is my friend, Samantha. The one I told you about. She’ll be going to Barnard this September. Maybe you could get her assigned to you, Mr. Hot-Shot Advisor. Samantha, this is my cousin, Lucas.”

  Lucas swaggered over to where I was lounging on a beach chair. He leaned over, looking at me like he could see right through me.

  “Daina told me all about you, Sam. Pleasure to meet you. I’ll make it my business to have all the pretty girls assigned to me; nice to have a heads up on one. The man was smooth, I’d give him that. I hated people calling me “Sam” but that mouth could call me whatever it wanted.

  I squawked out, “Nice to meet you, Lucas.” He gave me a wink.

  “Advisors teach the freshman orientation class, they call it Freshman Seminar in the class bulletin. I think I’m doing the Tuesday 10:30 class. Did you get your program yet?” Lucas sat on the edge of the beach chair next to me, resting his elbows on his knees. Was it possible for a guy to have sexy knees?

  “Um, no. I, uh, haven’t gotten anything.” Lucas was so damn good looking he made me forget how to speak English.

  “I can check when I go in the office in a couple of weeks. What’s your last name?” Lucas licked his lips and my breath caught in my throat. Good lord, those were perfect lips. He probably really knew how to kiss, too.

  “Sam? Want me to give you time to think about it?” The side of his mouth lifted in a smirk.

  “O’Rourke, sorry.” If Lucas was my freshman seminar teacher, I probably wouldn’t hear a damn thing he said all semester.

  “Hey, Lucas!” Nicole, Daina’s next-door neighbor, called Lucas over to where she was leaning against the wall of Daina’s above-ground pool, her perfect body showcased in a white string bikini. He excused himself and made his way over to where Nicole was standing. Lucas gave her a hello kiss and hug, making me queasy.

  Lucas strolled back toward me, “I better go inside and say hi to my aunt before she comes out to smack me, but make sure we exchange numbers before you go. Even if you’re not in my class, I can still help you out and show you around.”

  “Wow that would be great! Thanks, Lucas.”

  “No problem! I’ll take care of you, Baby Girl.” Baby Girl? I got another wink as he sauntered away. Apparently, I was counting them now.

  “Do you need a napkin to wipe up the drool?” Daina chuckled and shook her head as she sat in the beach chair next to me. I rolled my eyes in response.

  “I was not drooling. Does Lucas have a girlfriend? Wait, don’t answer me, he’s probably got a few.” I leaned back in the chair and covered my face with my hands. I shouldn’t have been this affected by a guy after meeting him for all of five minutes.

  “My cousin is a really nice guy, but he’s good looking and unfortunately he knows it. He’ll help you in school, but try to keep a safe distance—I wouldn’t want you to fall in love and get hurt.”

  My phone buzzed in my purse, bringing me back to the present.

  Lucas: Wanted to make sure you got home OK. Is it bad to tell you how much I miss you already?

  I pinched myself. Yep, still awake. I didn’t dream spending the night with Lucas. I texted back.

  Me: I’m almost at my stop now. No. I miss you too.

  Lucas: Call me later?

  Me: OK

  My neighborhood seemed so quiet. It was the same street, same walk from the train station—but it all seemed different. It was as if I had been living in black and white before, and someone flipped a switch, washing everything in Technicolor brilliance. It was going to be that much harder to pretend I wasn’t miserable now. I put my key in the door and took a deep breath. It was time to face reality.

  I opened my front door, and I heard Marc in our bedroom. Crap, he was supposed to be in Atlantic City until Sunday. Why the hell was he home already? I didn’t expect to have to come up with an excuse for being out all night and crept to my bedroom.

  “You’re home already? I thought you were staying until tomorrow? Since Bella had a sleepover at Julianna’s, I stayed at Stacia’s last night after we went out after work. You remember her? She moved here from Oregon and she lives by Madison Square Park, and I took the train home this morning.”

  Lying was not my strong suit. I always felt I had to add all these additional details to make my story sound believable. Anyone paying attention could see through me in five seconds. Since the truth was I rode Lucas’s face for half the night, I felt compelled to come up with a believable story that didn’t look like it had any holes. I felt my first pang of shame and guilt, followed by a rush of more shame that I was only now starting to feel this way.

  Marc paid so little attention to me he didn’t find it suspicious at all that his wife came home in a skirt and heels before nine o’clock on a Saturday morning. If I knew him, he didn’t care one way or the other, but we were still married. Whatever I suspected he did or didn’t do in our marriage, adultery was still breaking a commandment—one of the big ones, too, if I remembered correctly from my eight years at St. Anne’s.

  “I had to get back early since I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” Marc didn’t even look up, so he hadn’t witnessed my walk of shame through the door.

  “Rick told me last night he got me that freelance job I’ve been waiting to hear about. I can finally go back to work.”

  “Where?” He was packing a very large suitcase. It didn’t look like he intended to come back anytime soon.

  “Chicago. For six months. Maybe longer, depending on how it goes.”

  “You applied for a job in Chicago and took it, just like that? Where are you staying?” I realized how ridiculous I sounded, being so indignant after what I just did. Besides, I should expect this from Marc by now. He didn’t consider me a partner, or even someone who factored in any kind of decision he made.

  Marc rolled his eyes, like he did every time I asked him a question about anything—what to have for dinner, could he pick up Bella from somewhere, or why he took a long term out of state job without considering he had a family.

  “Here we go, nagging as usual. You’ve been bitching about me not working. I finally do get a job, and you still have something to say. I start on Monday morning. Rick has an apartment t
here already and I’ll stay with him. Thank God! I’ve been going fucking crazy here. I’m on my way out after I pack. I’ll be home tonight.”

  “You’re leaving your daughter for six months and you aren’t even giving it a second thought?” Now this was behavior I should’ve come to expect—he thought of himself and no one else. I was getting pissed off.

  Marc shrugged. “She’s a mommy’s girl anyway. She won’t even notice I’m gone. I’ll promise her a present when I get back and she’ll be fine. And I don’t have to explain shit to you. I can go where I want, when I want and it’s none of your concern. Shut your mouth for once.” He pushed past me to keep packing.

  Something inside snapped. I was finally done pretending I had an actual marriage. There was no way I could keep getting treated like this just because I didn’t have the guts to move on. Being alone was a hell of a lot better than this.

  “Maybe she wouldn’t be a ‘mommy’s girl’ if you actually spent time with her instead of dropping her off at your parents’ every day like she’s a burden you don’t feel like dealing with. But you know what, Marc, you’re totally right. You’re not my concern, and I am sure as hell not yours. It’s about time we did something about this joke of a marriage. You go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’m done dealing with your bullshit.”

  “Oh Jesus, not this again. You’re so fucking sensitive, another reason I can’t stand being home. Look—”

  “No you look! Finish packing and do whatever you need to do, then I want you out of here—for good. When you get back from Chicago, you live somewhere else—with your parents, friends, on the curb, I don’t care. I deserve better, and so does my daughter. She’s unclear on what a real man actually is after seeing such a poor excuse for one the first five years of her life. Let me know when I can expect money for Bella’s tuition since you’re finally working again.” The ‘finally working again’ was a low blow, but I didn’t care.