Always You

by Stephanie Rose

  I stormed into Bella’s bedroom and slammed the door. I was a little shaky over what just happened, and pissed at myself for not standing up for myself a long time ago. I lay down on her bed and covered my eyes with my hands.

  After our blowout, Marc didn’t say anything else or even try to talk to me. We had been over for a long time, but neither of us had the guts to admit it.

  There was a lot to figure out now. I needed to find after-school care for Bella—and figure out how to explain everything to her. I closed my eyes to focus on straightening out my clusterfuck of a life. And getting the image of sexy blue eyes out of my head.

  I picked up Bella after I managed to pull myself somewhat together. As I pulled up to Julianna’s house, Bella saw me from the front window and waved. The door opened and she ran out to hug me, almost knocking me over. She was my little twin—same dark brown hair, pale skin, and light brown eyes.

  “Mrs. Christensen, when can Bella stay here again?”

  “Soon, Julianna. I promise. Did you guys have fun?”

  “Yup! It was great!” Julianna was so boisterous, and my Bella just smiled and nodded.

  I strapped her into the car and drove off. I took a deep breath, thinking how I would spin this to be not a big deal.

  “Daddy got a new job and won’t be back for a while. Looks like we’ll be having fun sleepovers, only us!” Even a five-year-old could see through that crap a mile away, and Bella was smart.

  She answered me with a quiet okay. Marc was right. Bella was a mommy’s girl, but only because her father didn’t spend any time trying to be close to her. There were days when he barely spoke to her. I hoped the years before her mother grew a pair of balls and kicked her father out didn’t affect her for the long term.

  I stayed in Bella’s room all night so I wouldn’t have to deal with Marc when he got back. Once she fell asleep, I decided to call Daina. If I didn’t tell someone about the twilight zone I had entered, I would go insane.

  When I told her I threw Marc out, there was nothing but silence.

  “You’re serious?” Daina gasped.

  “As a heart attack, Day.”

  “Good! Babe, I’ve been telling you for years. You deserve so much better than Marc—and so does Bella. Maybe I should call my cousin. Since you two formed this cute little friendship he talks about you—a lot. It would make his day knowing you threw that piece of shit out of the house.”

  I was about to say this out loud. And then it would be true.

  “Well … about that. Last night when Bella was at Julianna’s and Marc was in Atlantic City, I went over to Lucas’s apartment. One thing kind of lead to another and—”

  “Holy hell!” Daina screamed in my ear. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? What time did you get home?”

  I took a deep breath before answering. “After eight this morning.”

  “What?” This time, she screamed so loud I almost dropped the phone. “Wow, you actually spent the night with Lucas? That has been your dream for what, more than ten years? Sort of crappy timing though. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I think.” I paused. No, I didn’t think that at all right now. “Ugh, I don’t know. When did my life become such a mess?”

  “I’m glad you finally stood up for yourself. And, although I’m not condoning doing what you did while you’re still married, I think getting close to Lucas made you see how badly you were being treated and made you realize you’d had enough.”

  At least Daina didn’t judge me. I felt a little better.

  “So, tell me. How was it?”

  “Ew, Daina! He’s your cousin! You don’t find discussing this a tad bit gross?”

  “A little, but you should have your moment after waiting so long. So…”

  I took a deep breath. How could I describe sex with Lucas?

  “It was unbelievable, I think I’m ruined for anyone else. Better than any fantasy I’ve ever had about Lucas, and trust me over the years there have been a lot—”

  “Moment over. Have you talked to him since then?”

  “Not yet. He texted me after I left to say he missed me. But I don’t know. Daina, I’m damaged goods. I have a daughter. I separated from my husband three seconds ago. What could I possibly offer a man like Lucas?”

  “Samantha, you have plenty to offer Lucas. Don’t let the way Marc treated you make you think differently. He hasn’t come out and said it, but I think Lucas has it bad for you. You may have officially separated from Marc now, but you both haven’t really been together in a long time. Have the guts to take a chance on something that could make you happy. Think about it.”

  “I will think about it. I promise.”

  “Call me tomorrow and we can burn whatever Marc left behind!”

  Throwing Marc out and avoiding Lucas somehow gave me a crap load of energy. My curtains were now washed and ironed for the first time since I gave birth, the floors were spotless, and there wasn’t a patch of dust anywhere. Starting a new life for my daughter and myself was scary, even though I was sure I was making the right decision; mindless housework was a fantastic escape.

  As Bella watched Super Why, I plopped on the couch, looking around for something else to scrub. My cell phone rang, and I recognized my friend Robyn’s number.

  “Hey Robyn, thanks for getting back to me so fast!”

  “Not a problem! Is everything all right?

  Robyn had to be the nicest person I knew, and the most soft spoken—it was why we were all shocked when she told us she wanted to become a lawyer. The only time I ever saw Robyn angry was when her academic ranking in our high school class went from number one to number three. Even though she overachieved her way all through law school, Robyn never lost her sweetness unless you were a deadbeat dad or an abusive husband. Then, may God have mercy on your soul.

  Robyn’s father left when she was very young, and her mom worked two jobs because he didn’t give her a dime of child support for her or her brothers. I’m sure that had a lot to do with why she was so passionate about family law. I was very thankful I didn’t have to explain everything that had happened over the last forty-eight hours to a complete stranger.

  “Marc took a job in Chicago and left a couple of days ago. I threw him out, for good.” I took a deep breath. “I want a divorce.”

  “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Are you okay? What happened?”

  “We had an argument before he left and I finally had enough of being abused all these years.”

  “Has he hurt you or threatened you in any way? Do you need to file a restraining order?” I smiled to myself at how she morphed from Robyn the friend to Robyn the kick-ass attorney.

  “No, nothing like that. I’m ready to move on. It’s not good for me or Bella to live in this type of situation, and I don’t want her to grow up thinking this is how a man is supposed to treat his family. I want full custody, but I doubt he’ll fight me. I’m really clueless, so tell me what I need to do.”

  “First thing I want you to do is change the locks. I’ve seen this happen before, the husband and wife separate and then he feels like coming back home, so he walks in like he still lives there. Get his name off everything you can. Do you share a checking account? I would either close it, or open a new one and transfer all the money you need for expenses. The faster you take care of all of that, the faster the divorce can go through when the time comes. In the state of New York, we have to prove you’ve been separated for at least a year before you can file for divorce. So before we do this, are you sure?”

  Whatever happened with Lucas and me from this point on, I was done being married to Marc. I felt good about this decision, even if it meant I was alone.

  “I’m sure. What else do I need to do?”

  “Get me his address so we can serve him separation papers. I’ll have them drawn up ASAP when I get to the office. And Samantha, I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks, Rob—I needed that.”

  The restless energy still continued, and
I decided to tackle the boxes at the bottom of my closet. I found old yearbooks, photo albums, and my accounting text book from college. I had fond memories of this book since I used all my accounting and finance classes back then as an excuse to get tutored by the hottest advisor in school.

  “Hey, Baby Girl. C’mon in.”

  Lucas promised me he’d help me with some accounting homework. I hated math but accounting and finance were core classes I had to pass to get a business degree. He said to come by the advisor’s office after my last class since he’d be filing the new freshman paperwork.

  “Baby Girl? I feel like I’m four when you call me that. It’s getting a little old.”

  “Oh, loosen up. Let’s see what we have here…” He looked over my shoulder at my notebook, brushing his body against mine, causing the hairs on my neck to stand on end, as usual. “You do know which side is credit and which side is debit, right?”

  “Um, yes, I’m not that far gone.” Truthfully, I could never remember. Plus, Lucas was looking extra hot today with a tight, long sleeve gray Henley shirt and faded jeans. He still kept his sandy brown hair a little long—just enough to grab during a hot, passionate…ah, enough, Samantha. Focus! You’re here for a reason. I didn’t want to look dumb; I figured he’d show me without having to ask.

  He went through the whole assignment with me. It was adorable how he got excited explaining it. Leave it to Lucas to make the most boring subject in the entire world interesting. I had a good handle on it once we were done.

  “Thanks! You’re a lifesaver! The professor is too old and scary for me to ask for any help.” The professor was, in fact, very nice and reminded us at the end of each class that his door was always open if we needed extra help. Did I look as pathetic as I really was? I almost enjoyed accounting and finance because it gave me an excuse to spend more time with Lucas. He was always happy to help and so patient, and articulate, and sexy, and …ugh. Maybe this incurable crush would help my GPA somehow.

  “Anytime. You’re like family, you know that.” Family. Ick. Family was worse than being called “kid” or…“Baby Girl.”

  I noticed a flyer for a Halloween party on the bulletin board in front of Lucas’s desk. Advisors were in charge of all the school events. Lucas was, of course, the most popular, especially with the girls. He wasn’t supposed to date any of them, but I always overheard stories from girls claiming to have hooked up with him after one of the on-campus parties.

  Noticing where I’d focused my attention, Lucas joked, “You should go. It should be fun, and I’m even wearing a costume.” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

  “Stop it! What is Mr. Hot-Shot Advisor going to dress up as?”

  “You’ll have to go to find out. If you come in costume I’ll even give you candy. The sexier the costume, the more candy I’ll give you.”

  “Right. Sexy costumes aren’t my thing. I’m sure you’ll have lots of girls lining up for your candy.” It was out of my mouth before I knew it, and Lucas cracked up.

  “You make me sound cheap, Sam. I don’t give my candy out to just anyone.” I nudged his shoulder, making him laugh even harder. “I don’t know why you think like that. You’re beautiful and could rock the hell out of a sexy costume.” Um, what? Lucas thinks I’m beautiful?

  I could do this; go to the party, flirt a little, and see where it takes us. Yeah, I could do this—

  “Hey, Lucas. You said you’d help me put up the rest of these flyers for the party. You wouldn’t stand me up would you?” One of the student aides I knew from my Statistics class strutted into his office, interrupting us. She told me the other day how difficult it was to balance school and modeling. There was a picture of her in only a bra and jeans giving a hot guy a back rub in my Seventeen Magazine this month. Needless to say, my heart bled for the girl.

  “I’m coming, Karen. Don’t worry.”

  “Oh hey, Samantha. I didn’t know you knew Lucas.” She gave me a look like ‘how could you possibly know a guy like him?’

  Lucas looked over at me and gave me a smile, “Sam and I go way back. She’s my cousin’s best friend.”

  “Oh, that’s cute.” She looked over at Lucas, and—once again, it’s like I wasn’t there. Mousy Samantha, dismissed as usual. “So are you done here? If you’re lucky I’ll let you guess what my costume will be. I can’t get thrown out of the party for showing too much skin, can I?”

  Oh for goodness sake, really?

  “For once, it would be nice to have a party where I didn’t have to speak with security afterwards. Be right back, Sam. Let me go pick up the rest of the flyers out of the printer.”

  “So you and Lucas are friends?” Karen twirled her luxurious shampoo commercial worthy hair around her finger as she looked me over.

  “Yes. Like he said, I’m a family friend.” I shrugged as I packed my books into my backpack.

  “He’s a really nice guy—and an ah-mazing kisser.” She closed her eyes and pretended to shiver.

  My heart dropped into my stomach as I tasted vomit in the back of my throat. She got to feel Lucas’s lips, and God only knew what else. Did I really think I had a chance against girls like her? I was such an idiot for even considering it.

  “Okay, got‘em. Sam. We can study for a little while longer — Hey are you all right? You look a little pale.” Lucas rushed toward me with a concerned expression and put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Nope, I’m fine! I’m just going to go. Thanks again for the help.” I bolted out of his office, not wanting to look back at Karen’s shit-eating grin.

  I spent the night of the Halloween party with my favorite creepy movie, Carrie. There was something about watching an outcast slay all the mean girls who made her life hell that made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

  I put the book down when I heard my phone chime with a text.

  Lucas: Hi, Sam. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

  I typed a dozen different replies, like I’m thinking about you too, I miss you, I’m sorry I haven’t called—but I didn’t send any of them. All those years ago, I dreamed about a real chance with Lucas. Now I had one, and it scared me to death.

  “Daina, you home?”

  I arrived at my cousin’s house and rang the bell. She didn’t answer so I pulled open the unlocked screen door and went in.

  ‘Oh hey, Lucas. Come on in. Let me put the baby to sleep and we can talk.” It had been almost radio silence from Sam for two weeks. I was about to lose my mind, and went to the only person who I prayed may be able to give me some kind of clue as to why.

  From the outside of this fucked up situation, the answer why Sam was avoiding me was obvious. I had sex—amazing and fantastic sex—with a married woman who now regretted it and wanted to stay away from me. But there was more to Sam and me than that, or at least I hoped there was.

  I plopped onto Daina’s couch as she watched me with pity in her eyes. I’d taken the subway all the way to the Bronx after work on a Wednesday night. It was obvious I wasn’t handling my sudden separation from Sam well.

  “I suspected something was brewing between the two of you. I’m actually surprised it took three months for anything to happen. And since you came all the way here tonight instead of just calling me, I’m thinking this thing you guys have goes deeper than I thought. Did you plan for that night to happen?”

  I should’ve been insulted, but she had a point. Looking back I could see how it seemed that way.

  “No. Not consciously, anyway. She didn’t have to be home by a certain time, and I wanted her all to myself. I liked the idea of no time constraint and I wanted her with me, and only me. And it was…” I trailed off and shook my head. I didn’t think my cousin wanted the details of what has been playing over and over in my head for the past couple of weeks. How Sam’s lips felt on mine, how her body moved under me, how fucking responsive she was to everything I did to her.

  “Stop! I don’t need any more details than I already have, thank you!” Daina held up
her hand, shaking her head.

  “What did Sam say?” I was lying back on the couch in a slumped and defeated position but wanting to know what Sam told her about our night together made me sit straight up.

  “She used the word ‘unbelievable’ but wouldn’t really elaborate. She’s had a huge crush on you for, um, forever. A smart guy like you should have picked up on that. She was always so scared to admit to you how she felt, but you spent enough time with her back then to know without her saying anything.”

  “Yes, I knew. I liked her, too, but I didn’t want to hurt her. She wasn’t the type of girl you kept things casual with.” I put my face in my hands and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wished I could go back in time—sweep Sam off her feet and take her deadbeat husband out of the equation. “How the hell did she ever wind up with Marc?” I remember dealing with him when he was a college student, and even then it was obvious he’d never change.

  There were worse jobs than a college advisor. And paying off my master’s degree by showing freshmen around school and planning on-campus parties was a sweet deal. But I hated parties like this one. The members of the hosting frat were complete assholes. I spent most of the night watching the girls to make sure none of them looked drugged, since that’s how their parties usually went.

  I had just stepped into the empty hallway outside the common room where the party was drawing to a close to get some air, when the sound of soft whimpers got my attention. A girl was sitting on the floor outside the bathroom with her face in her hands. I rushed over to where she curled herself into a ball to make sure she wasn’t hurt. When she picked up her head, I recognized her as one of the undergraduate student aides in our office.

  “Paige, what’s wrong?” I knelt in front of her and she shook her head when she noticed me.

  “I’m just really stupid, Lucas. I thought in my stupid little head that Marc and I were exclusive and I came in to find him making out with someone else. When I confronted him, he told me he doesn’t do girlfriends and I should learn not to be so clingy. He’s absolutely right.” She wiped away the tears still streaming down her face. “I’m in college, not high school. I should know better.”