Deep Blue Secret

by Christie Anderson

  I sighed impatiently, pressing my lips together. He was impossible. Every movement he made, every gesture, every word he spoke, brought me one step closer to ripping his head off.

  “I’m not your lady,” I said, folding my arms to my chest.

  He turned and smiled. “You like to play hard to get. I get it. All the more fun for me…” His sheer denseness burned my ears. “After the song is over I’ll put in something to set the mood.” He winked and turned up the thumping base.

  I dropped my head to my hand, leaning on the car door for support, and closed my eyes, regretting every moment I was with him. When I felt the tickle on my neck from his fingertips, I couldn’t hold back the anger.

  I jumped up and away in a quick movement. “Stop touching me!” I yelled.

  My lungs took in shallow breaths. Justin’s face went white. Maybe my hostility finally broke through his rock-hard skull. He stared at me wordless, in shock, as my eyes darted away. I was a little shocked by the outbreak myself.

  I glanced up at him again. His stare was on me, not the road. The car veered left towards oncoming traffic.

  “Watch out!” I cried.

  Justin sprung back in alarm, yanking the wheel in the opposite direction of the glaring headlights. He pulled too hard, over-correcting. We swerved to the right, barely missing a truck in the right lane.

  He lost control of the wheel. We spun wildly. Lights whizzed by my face, frozen with fear. My brain pulsed. Fear controlled my every limb. Panic took over as I registered the threat. It was inescapable. I saw it through my window, coming towards me at a chilling speed—a pole.

  10. TRANSITION

  I see myself. I’m lying on a stretcher. I don’t look good. People swarm around, making a fuss. I’m in the hospital. There’s Justin. They wheel him behind me. His arm is hurt but he’s awake. His face strains in agony. He calls my name, frantic. He asks if I’m okay but I don’t answer.

  I’m watching from across the room, not in my body. It lies there without moving. Nobody seems to notice me. I feel worried. I don’t know what to do. I can’t help myself.

  I feel a hand slip into my hand from behind. I look over to see. It’s grandma. I feel another hand take my left. It’s grandpa. They smile. I know it’s them, but they look young, in their prime. I feel happy I’m not alone.

  I see Mom. She runs to my body on the stretcher. She’s crying. She looks scared. She panics. I call to her, but she doesn’t hear me. I want to help her, but I can’t. Someone moves her away. They say she’s in the way. I see Dr. Jensen. He puts his arm around her. He sits with her. I feel glad she’s not alone.

  I see the nameless boy, the one I love. He’s wearing hospital scrubs. I want to follow him, but grandma holds me back. He walks down the hall, a cup in his hand. He passes a nurse and he stumbles. The cup falls forward. It lands on my body. Silvery liquid spills all over. It disappears. I don’t get wet. My body doesn’t move.

  Grandpa drops my hand. He says it’s time to leave. I think I must be dead. Grandma takes his hand. She says I’m not coming with them. I need to stay. They just came to wait so I wouldn’t be scared. It’s not time yet.

  ***

  A white calm, a bright light, a breath of peaceful inhalation…

  Where was I? I couldn’t remember. I didn’t know how I got here, wherever I was, but I felt a strange relief. What was I relieved from? I wasn’t sure. There was no pain, no anxiety, not even joy or happiness—just serene existence.

  I knew I existed, but to what degree? I was me, but I couldn’t remember who that was. I couldn’t see past the calm, past the security of being. There was no sight or sound, but it wasn’t blackness; it was pure light. It was solace.

  11. SECRETS

  My eyelids fluttered, seeking the strength to rise. A tingling sensation vibrated through my veins to the tip of a single finger. The finger twitched. All the strength in my body gathered together in determination to resurface.

  The converging energy found success and I had sight, but a haze clouded my vision. My eyes rolled from left to right and slowly back to center. I wanted to rub them clear with my hands, but all I could do was blink. My arms weren’t ready to move, although I managed to curl a few fingers at my sides.

  The light in the room was dim. I struggled to decipher the varying shadows and colors around me. My back was stuck in an uncomfortable, curved position with my shoulders pulled tightly backwards. I felt a little dazed, unable to remember where I was or how I got here.

  I blinked rapidly and dragged my neck forward off the thick pillow. Clear tubes moved with my head, attached to my nose. My torso lagged against the reclined bed but my knee slid across the mattress while I moved.

  My vision cleared and I realized this wasn’t my bed, or my room. It was a hospital room. I tried again to shift the position of my upper body using my arm. My muscles were stiff but I didn’t feel any pain. After a few moments, control finally returned to my limbs.

  I lifted on my elbow and leaned to the side examining the surrounding space, trying to make sense of it.

  I forgot what I was looking for when I noticed the dark form of a person sitting aside the bed. The body was slumped over, head resting near my leg, one arm reaching out as if almost holding my hand.

  The person slept peacefully and I felt relief I wasn’t alone. Could it be my mom, I thought hopefully, but the form was too wide, the hair too short. I reached my fingers to touch the outstretched hand and slowly closed my palm around it.

  His head bolted upright. Stress creased his face, wide eyes fixed squarely on mine. I knew his eyes, green and glowing back at me through the dark. It was him, my rescuer, the mysterious face of my dreams. My heart leapt hopefully in my chest.

  He jumped from the chair, dropping my hand. “I shouldn’t be here,” he said.

  In two quick movements his grip reached the door handle and he turned to flee. My heart couldn’t take it if he disappeared again.

  “Wait,” I said, voice raspy. “Please…” He stared at the door, back facing me.

  My comfort drained as it followed him away. “Please don’t go,” I said.

  His hand clung to the knob as if contemplating his next move. I waited breathlessly for him to turn and come back to me. He had to come back.

  If he walked out that door I would run after him. I would rip away from the monitors and tubes. I would run as fast as my body would let me. He felt like a part of me. I didn’t know how or why, but we were linked together. If he left, a piece of me would leave with him.

  He turned to look at me, hand still clutching the door. I saw the conflict in his face. Desperation boiled in my chest and my eyes filled with moisture.

  “Don’t go,” I whispered. A single tear escaped down my cheek. I let it slide down. I didn’t care to wipe it away. All I cared about was convincing him to stay.

  His hand finally dropped from the knob, his gaze never breaking from mine. My eyes followed his every move as he walked calmly to the side of the bed. He laid one hand on my forearm and used the other to wipe my cheek.

  “You really should rest,” he said. “Your body’s still healing.”

  My arms held me up in a tensed position, hands white from squeezing the blankets. “I can’t. How do I know you won’t leave again?”

  His face wrinkled in pain. “I thought it was too late. I should’ve been there. I thought I’d lost you.”

  He looked into my eyes, intense. “I won’t ever leave you unprotected again.”

  I stared at him wide-eyed and confused. Nothing he said made sense…but I didn’t care. Every moment he refrained from walking out that door was one more wonderful second of feeling him near me. It was like I’d known him my entire life. Yet, I didn’t have any concrete memory of him besides the night he’d saved me from drowning.

  “I feel like I know you,” I said. “But I don’t understand. Why does my heart break at the thought of losing you? Am I going crazy?”

  “I know it must be confusing
,” he said. “And I’m sorry I’ve put you through all this. I want so badly to tell you everything, but I can’t—it’s forbidden. I shouldn’t even be talking to you.” He slumped to the chair, hiding his face in his hands with a groan. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

  I felt the gravity in his voice. It’s forbidden? What did that mean? Why did it matter if he talked to me?

  “I’m really confused,” I said. “Who are you?”

  He stared at me, words hanging in his throat, like it was a life or death decision if he should tell me.

  “I…I can’t.” He looked down again, landing his forehead in his hand.

  Blood pulsed through my neck. “But you have to. Now that you’re here, you have to tell me. You can’t just show up all mysterious then leave me with nothing. Are you trying to drive me insane?”

  “No, of course not,” he said, standing up with a jerk. “You weren’t supposed to see me here.” He made a frustrated sound and paced away from the bed. It sounded more like he was talking to himself than to me. “It was just an accident; a reckless mistake.”

  “Look, I’m sorry talking to me is such a big mistake to you, but I think you owe me some sort of explanation.”

  He shot over to my side. “I didn’t mean it like that…I really want to tell you, Sadie, but it’s complicated. There’s a lot at risk here, for both of us.”

  There’s a lot at risk? This whole situation made me feel like I was stuck in a spy movie. Were men with guns suddenly going to crash through my window just because we were having a conversation?

  “I don’t even know your name,” I protested. “Can you at least tell me that much? You obviously know mine.”

  He looked up at the ceiling with a sigh.

  “I guess I’m already breaking the rules just by being here,” he said under his breath.

  He turned to me as if giving up. “My name is Rayne.”

  I felt an odd flood of relief. “Rayne,” I repeated aloud.

  Just knowing his name made him feel more real, more permanent, like it was official; I knew him now—though I still knew absolutely nothing about him. A wide grin spread across my face.

  He leaned over me on the bed, face only inches from mine. He looked like he wanted to laugh.

  “What?” I said, feeling self-conscious.

  “If I give you my word that I won’t leave, will you at least lie down?”

  I looked down and suddenly realized my awkward, tensed position. I agreed, a little embarrassed, and pulled my head back to the pillow. When I turned my face, the annoying tubes in my nose shifted and I couldn’t help but wonder how ridiculous I must look. I wasn’t sure why I needed them. I felt fine. When he looked away, I pulled down on the plastic discreetly, letting it fall to the side of the bed.

  Some kind of tight straps anchored my shoulders and I shifted uncomfortably in the bed. As I tried to pull them loose, Rayne turned and threw his hands near my shoulders without touching me, trying to figure out how to help.

  “You probably should leave that alone,” he said. “Doesn’t it hurt to move like that?”

  “No, it doesn’t hurt. It’s just annoying. I can’t get comfortable.” I fought with one of the straps. “What is this thing anyway?”

  His hand rested on mine to keep it from fidgeting. I stopped moving instantly, his touch warm on my skin.

  His expression grew somber. “It’s a clavicle brace. You broke your collarbone three days ago, and some ribs. Your right lung was punctured too. You shouldn’t be able to move around like this already.” He sounded genuinely surprised.

  “I did?” I wondered aloud.

  Weren’t broken bones supposed to hurt? I couldn’t feel any pain. I ran my free hand along my side and shoulder, searching for any sign of discomfort but I didn’t find any.

  “I’m surprised you’re even awake,” he said. “You suffered a severe brain injury.”

  “Really? But…I feel fine. Besides a few fuzzy memories. The last thing I remember I was watching a movie at Heather’s. Nick and Justin were there, but then I draw a blank.”

  His grip tightened around my hand. “I should introduce that kid Justin to my fist.”

  “What? Why?” I asked. “Do you know him?”

  Justin could be an idiot, but what did that have to do with me being here? I searched my mind trying to remember.

  “You were in a horrible car accident and Justin was the one driving. He only broke his arm, but you…” he looked away, jaw tense. “You almost died.”

  “Oh,” I said, quietly taking this in. It all sounded vaguely familiar, but it felt like trying to remember a dream.

  “It was my fault,” he muttered, staring at the wall. “I was almost too late.”

  He looked so upset. I felt the strangest need to comfort him, but I wasn’t sure how.

  “Rayne, I…thank you,” I said. His head turned questioningly.

  “For staying with me,” I added. “I’m a little scared and confused by all this. But I feel better with you here.”

  “You’ve been through a lot,” he said, rubbing my arm. The smooth touch of his hand made my limbs go weak again. “But we should probably tell someone you’re awake so they can call your mom.”

  Oh no, my mom, I thought.

  “Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine,” he said. “She’s barely left your side since you’ve been here, but they finally convinced her to get some rest. She only left a few hours ago.”

  “Poor Mom, she must be so worried.” I reached for Rayne’s hand. “Don’t tell anyone I’m awake yet. They should let her rest.”

  I hoped my mom was actually resting and not killing herself with anxiety. It might have been less selfish if we did wake her. She’d probably sleep better if she knew I was fine, but I didn’t want to give Rayne an excuse to leave so soon. I had so many questions. I needed answers.

  “Rayne, I need to know what’s going on, why you’re here. If there’s some risk out there that involves me, don’t you think I have a right to know?”

  “That thought’s crossed my mind a dozen times,” he said. “But I have to protect you at all costs, even if that means protecting you from yourself.”

  Why did he keep mentioning protecting me? Was there a reason I needed protection? And why did he have to be so difficult? It wasn’t fair. Why did he get to know everything and me nothing?

  “I’m not a child,” I said. “I may be young and blonde, but I’m not stupid. I can take it, whatever it is. I deserve to know what you’re hiding from me.”

  “Of course you’re not stupid. That’s not the point. If something gets out about you, I might not be able to protect you anymore. I can’t let that happen again. You almost died.”

  “What is there even to get out about me?” I asked frustrated. “I have no clue what you’re talking about. All I did was ride with a stupid boy in a car and we crashed. It was an accident. Accidents happen to people every day. People die in accidents every day. What makes me so special? Why should I be the one to miraculously survive?”

  He stared at me dumbfounded, searching for the right answer. “Because you are special. I can’t tell you why, you just are.”

  “But I’m just a normal girl.”

  “No. You’re not,” he insisted.

  “Okay, fine. So what is it then? Do you think keeping me in the dark is going to make everything okay? That I’ll be able to go back to life as usual and forget all about this? I can’t do that now. I’ll always be wondering. I mean, you’re already here. It’s too late to change that.”

  “You’re right,” he said with a humorless laugh. He sat on the stiff couch in the corner of the room. I didn’t like him so far away.

  “I’ve messed everything up for you,” he said. “It’s completely my fault. You were happy in your blissfully unaware life. Why couldn’t I just leave it alone?”

  I sat up in the bed so I could see his face. “But I wasn’t blissfully unaware. I haven’t felt like myself for
months. I could tell something was wrong.”

  He walked towards me on the bed. “I know. But I could’ve easily helped you without you ever knowing I was involved. I think, deep down, I wanted you to know about me.” He stood still, his glowing eyes fixed on my face, as if he suddenly understood.

  His gaze dropped to the ground. “I’m sorry.”

  I stared at him and shook my head. “I don’t even know what you’re apologizing to me for. I don’t understand anything you’re saying. And I especially don’t get how you could’ve known how I was feeling. But what I do know is that I don’t want to live a lie, so if you could please just start explaining all this, I would really appreciate it.”

  He didn’t answer. He moved away, back to the couch, seeming far away, like his mind was off in a distant land raging a battle inside his own head.

  I watched him, wishing there was something I could say that would convince him to open up to me. Then an idea crossed my mind. I remembered the tiny silver bottle I’d found in his sweatshirt pocket. I had no idea what it was for, but maybe I could convince him otherwise.

  I straightened up in the hospital bed and tried to make my voice sound confident. “I already know about the flask of liquid, so you might as well stop beating yourself up over whether or not you should tell me about it.”

  He froze and peered at me from across the room, taken completely off guard. “What did you say?”

  I kept my composure. “You know, the antique-looking flask with the silver engravings and the shimmery liquid inside.”

  He looked bewildered. “How did you…?”

  I smirked. “See…I already know more than you think. Oh and I know that was you at my school the other day before you saved me from drowning too. I saw the liquid stuff on my arm after you bumped into me, so don’t even try to pretend that wasn’t you.”

  I really hoped he was buying all this. I wasn’t nearly as sure about myself as I was trying to portray.

  He laughed once under his breath. “Wow, I really did not see that coming.”