Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  Completely depleted of any energy, I collapse onto her body, burying my face in the creamy skin of her neck.

  I lay there silently, huffing and puffing, trying to climb back down from the clouds. My mind is hazy and fogged over still, but little-by-little I register the soft caresses of her fingertips in my hair. That touch grounds me and brings me back to earth, although each wisp of her fingers ignites tiny sparks through my core telling me that we most definitely are not done. Planting a few gentle kisses against her neck, I bring my breathing back to a normal state then slowly slip lower down her body so that I can look at her.

  As soon as I rest my chin against her chest, I look at her with happiness flooding my heart, but a single teardrop sliding down her cheek immediately has me panicked. For only a second, I worry that I may have rushed this; that I could have hurt her, or even assumed she wanted this as much as me when she actually didn’t, but then I look into her eyes. Those eyes tell me everything. She is feeling exactly what I am feeling. I cannot believe she is back in my arms.

  Normally tears would have me freaking out, but this time it doesn’t. A small grateful smile itches at the corner of my lips as I reach my fingers up to swipe a few more escaped tears away from her cheek.

  “Hey, don’t cry. I’m here now,” I assure her, because I know with absolute certainty that I am not going anywhere. I will not lose her again. This is the girl I am meant to love.

  “I thought I had lost you forever,” she croaks out, making my heart shatter in two.

  Digging my elbow into the mattress, I pull myself up level with her so I can look her in the eyes and assure her that I am not going anywhere.

  “You never lost me. Didn’t I tell you that it wasn’t goodbye forever?” I repeat the same thing I told her before we left the lake. Little did I know that day, that it would take months before I would hold her again.

  An immediate smile touches her face and I know my words have offered her some sense of comfort.

  Softly smoothing my fingertips along the contours of her face, I lean in closer until her breaths feel as if they are my own.

  “I love you so much, Alyssa,” I say right before capturing her moist lips with mine. Pulling away only enough to speak, I whisper more of my heart against her lips, “Do you know how much I missed you?”

  Her hands instantly frame my face and pull me in for a more fulfilling kiss and I know she missed me just as much.

  After my thirst for Alyssa’s lips is somewhat quenched, and after I have told her at least a dozen times how much I love her, she slips off the bed insisting on putting my clothes in the dryer. Even though the fight with my pants earlier doesn’t sound like something I want to repeat, I would rather wrestle with them than miss a moment of being with her, but she goes anyway.

  “I’ll be back in a second,” she says with a sweet smile as she quickly balls up all my wet clothes and races out the bedroom door.

  I crane my neck to get the full view of her hips swaying side-to-side as she disappears out of the room, already feeling the loss of her by my side.

  When she returns only seconds later, I laugh to myself. Her eyes light up and she freezes at the door, her eyes sparkling with love and happiness.

  “Get your butt back in bed,” I playfully say, wiggling my eyebrows with a smirk.

  She wastes no time doing as I say and as soon as her body grazes against mine, all I can think is how I wish she hadn’t gotten dressed. Cuddling up as close as possible to me, we fall right back into our old ways as if we are back at the lake.

  We spend hours talking about the time we were apart and the more we talk the more that dull ache in my heart from missing her begins to fade, although when she asks about the wreck, I can’t help but get tripped up going over all the painful memories. Our conversation unexpectedly takes a detour when she surprises me by asking if I will come to meet her parents. That was the last thing I expected tonight. Honestly, even though I had hoped I would get her back, the way this night has gone has completely blown my mind and left me stunned.

  After a few teasing comments and a sense that she is now nervous about her invitation, I get serious and speak to her straight from my heart.

  “You know, it wasn’t the physical part of our relationship that I missed as much as the way we talk.” I smile at her thinking over the many conversations we shared in such a short span of time. “We could talk all day and never run out of things to say. It’s so easy being with you; so right; like I’ve never been without you.” I trail my fingertips across the satiny skin of her cheek and go on, “I love when you talk about your parents and sisters. So meeting your family definitely doesn’t feel sudden to me. It actually feels like I already know them.”

  I pause to let everything I said to her sink in. She has no idea what that tiny gesture of asking me to meet her parent’s means to me. To most people this would be a huge step; a sign of moving the relationship forward, possibly even a deeper sign of commitment, and where I feel those same emotions, it is still something much more sacred to me. Getting to see her with her family and letting me be a part of something so special, something I barely remember myself is a treasure worth millions to me.

  I haven’t had a sense of a family in years, but I’ve longed for it and most definitely needed it. I cannot even count the times that I came home from school with a problem that only Mom could solve, to find that the only way I could cope with it was to bury it in my thoughts. There were days when I’d come home from practice wanting to give up, and all I could think about was, I wish Dad was here to give me some words of encouragement. That day in the hospital when I found out I would never play again, that was exactly the first thought that came to mind.

  “So my answer is yes. I will definitely come with you to your parents’,” I say with a smile while squirming around from the thrill of this entire night and what is yet to come.

  The words are barely out of my mouth before Alyssa crushes me in a huge hug, letting me know how much my saying yes means to her in return. I wrap her tightly in my arms, and cover her lips with mine, wishing one single kiss could express all the love I hold for her in my heart. I’m fine with spreading the kisses out over time, though.

  After a long while of basking in each other’s presence, we finally take a breather from the kissing and touching to get up to date on our lives. Aside from the ache that still rises in my heart from missing her so much, it seriously feels as though we have never been apart.

  Lying on my side adjacent to her, I run my hands along the soft tender skin of her forearm that her head rests on. This is one thing for sure that hasn’t changed between us; we cannot touch each other enough. I just want to be physically linked to her in any way. Being near her makes me feel alive; makes me feel whole; like I can finally breathe. It makes me look at all my past heartaches and be grateful, because without each of those stepping stones, I wouldn’t be here with her.

  “Ok, so now that I am going to meet your family, do you mind if I ask how your dad is doing?” I ask the question hesitantly, knowing this is sure to stir up a lot of emotions for her.

  I know he is sick and her fears from this summer were in fact brought to life, but I can’t help but mentally beat myself up for not having the opportunity to be there for her when that news was delivered. It makes me sick to imagine what she felt in that moment; I’ve been there, and I will never forget the day I found out my mom had a disease that would end her life. For a fraction of a moment, a twinge of anger sparks in me at Tristan. A stupid fight between him and I took so much away.

  “Well …” she pauses, tilting her head to meet my gaze. “His tests showed the cancer had returned a few days after I got home from the lake.” A pained expression crosses her face and I know it is partly from knowing I wasn’t there.

  Lifting my hand away from the same wavy pattern I’ve been tracing back and forth over her arm, I run it softly through all the tangled waves of hair that hang carelessly over her shoulder. My fingertips quick
ly find a resting place behind her ear and I pull myself forward to place a kiss on her forehead.

  Pulling away, a small smile touches her face as she goes on, “After that he started chemo. It all seemed so familiar and I hated that he had to go through it all over again, you know?” I nod my head, but don’t say a word. I know right now she just needs me to listen, to be here for her.

  Nervously, she reaches up and pulls my hand between us, clasping it in hers so tightly that I can feel all the pain that is surging through her as if that energy is being transferred from her to me. She shifts her body and moves in closer to me, leaning her forehead against my chin while she busily squeezes my hand in both of hers now.

  “I found out this week that he has stopped all treatments and the doctor said he only has …” She trails off and I completely understand how hard what she’s truly trying to say is. Moving the topic away from such a finalized comment, her voice grows hoarse as she speaks again, “Have you ever wondered why me?”

  I breathe out an exaggerated sigh at the irony of her question. Only a million times a day, up until I met you.

  “I mean it’s almost like a tease. We celebrate that he is cancer free and then wham … not anymore,” her voice cracks as she grasps my hand as if it is a stress-ball.

  Leaning away from her body, I move so that I am eye level with her and place my hand under her chin. “It’s normal not to understand and you should be mad. Seeing someone you love get sick is one of the hardest things in this world, but I also think those extra years that you got with him were a gift. After his first battle with cancer, I’d be willing to bet it changed how you looked at life and family. You learned how to truly be grateful for each moment. That was a gift, Alyssa.”

  I know my words probably offer her no sense of comfort, and honestly even though they make sense to me now, they may not even register with her. A part of me wants so badly to throw out how sick my mom got, how me and my brothers watched her wither away, day-by-day, until one day I came home from school to find out that she was gone, but I don’t want to make this about me. I don’t even want to make it as if I know what she is going through, because my mom didn’t have cancer. Our stories are completely different and this is Alyssa’s story; this is her time and I pray with every ounce of my soul that her story will end differently than mine.

  A tear drops down her cheek and my hand instinctively brushes it away in an instant, wishing I could stop them all along with the pain. My heart is crumbling at the sight of seeing her hurt and I’m at a complete loss for words. If only words could mend an aching heart, but I know it can’t.

  I can’t tell her everything will be ok, because I don’t know if it will.

  I can’t even assure her that it won’t hurt, because I know without a doubt that this entire journey is killing her, so I say the only thing that I know with complete certainty to be true.

  “I can’t wait to meet your dad tomorrow.”

  With a sniffle and tear streaked eyes, she looks at me and smiles. “Me too.”

  Quickly kissing her lips, I decide I’d love to see that smile grow just a bit more. I run my hand from her chin down to the neckline of her shirt and give it a gentle tug.

  “So about all these clothes …” I raise my eyebrows and grin, knowing she is probably thinking I’m trying to get her to take them off, so I quickly add, “I really cannot get used to them. Here I thought you just wore bikinis every day.”

  Half the time at the lake, I swore I was going to have a heart attack from watching her traipse around in her swimsuits. The truth is, she could go around wearing a garbage bag and she would still be the sexiest, most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

  Wiggling my eyebrows, she manages out a giggle and I take that brief interruption to steal probably the hundredth kiss tonight. From there, our conversation shifts to a more playful topic about the day we met and memories from the lake; I think those two weeks will always be our heaven.

  INTENTLY LISTENING TO HER tease me about the morning she saw me for the first time, I glance over at the clock and see that it is after midnight. It’s Friday; Alyssa’s birthday. I knew the night of her party was not her actual birthday, so I was really hoping to get the chance to see her today. Wish granted, thank you Lord!

  “… I proceeded to strip you down one layer at a time.” I laugh at what she was actually thinking when she saw me that first day and she joins in, her eyes dancing with happiness.

  Slowly letting my laughter die down, I look at her and my heart hammers in my chest. “Hey, happy birthday,” I say, but I actually mean, I love you and I want to be with you today and every birthday to follow.

  Her face lights up with my words and she giggles, “Thank you but it’s not my birthday until tomorrow,” she says as she tilts her head back to look at the clock on her nightstand. “Holy crap,” she shouts out and I am automatically confused at the panic in her voice.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well … it’s just that … Bethany really likes you.”

  Whoa, so what is what I want to say, really sick of her friend and not sure I can tolerate her any longer. “Yeah and so? I love you, not her. I’ve never been with her … .ever.”

  “I know you do and I love you, too, but she is really into you and since I never told her I knew you, it will seem like I made a move on her boyfriend.”

  This sends a bolt of frustration through me. How is it that this girl can dictate my life even after I’ve got back what I so desperately wanted and waited for?

  “Ahhh … I was never going out with her. I told her I just wanted to be friends and that is all she’s ever been; a friend. Besides, technically you’re still my girlfriend, because we never officially broke up.” I add that part, jokingly, but Alyssa is in full-throttle-freak-out mode.

  I say let her walk in and find us, but just as that thought enters my mind, her pleading, worried eyes shoot right to my core, fracturing my sensibility and urge to argue what I feel is the right move her.

  Opening my mouth, I hesitantly suggest it anyway, “Maybe we should just tell her about us and this summer.” Like a band-aid, rip it off and it’ll be fine the next day. There is no use in letting it simmer and risk added drama later.

  “I agree and I will, but for now, I don’t think she should come home and find us together. Either way, it will hurt her, plus I think seeing us in bed together would be a bad way to break this to anyone.”

  Her words catch me off guard. “Do you want me to leave?”

  “No!” she snaps and I’m thankful for her sudden dismissal of that suggestion, because on my way out, I’d be awfully tempted to make sure Bethany knew how I felt about Alyssa. “I just meant maybe we could go somewhere else together.”

  This slaps a smile right across my face. It takes no time for Alyssa to grab my clothes from the dryer and for us to be out to my truck. A part of me is bothered that she doesn’t want to confront Bethany and let her know that we are together right this second. If it were up to me, everyone would know! Guilt still tiptoes over my conscience for being in the same bed as Bethany when Alyssa and I found each other again. The last thing I want is for her to think there was ever anything between her roommate and I.

  In the end, I agree with the no drama tonight part. Tonight is for us. We found each other and I’d rather just have her all to myself all night long without a clingy roommate listening in on every word we speak. With that, we take off to my apartment for the night.

  Jumping into my truck, my body zings with excitement; she is right here, right now, with me. Feeling as though the console creates a barrier between us as soon as we are in our seats, I fling it up and smack my hand on the seat to coax her nearer to me. She immediately complies by sliding flush against my side and it instantly has me wanting her back in my arms.

  I pull her to me and capture her lips with soft wisps of my lips and tongue. All of a sudden her sitting beside me is way too far away. Wrapping my arms around her small waist, I pull her onto my
lap, keeping my mouth on hers the whole time. Her hands frantically run through my hair and down to my shoulders with the same desire burning inside of her that has me going ninety miles an hour. All too soon our fire is extinguished by a passing car, pulling out of the community center.

  “Maybe we should go?” I suggest, not at all wanting to stop. “We can be at my apartment in ten minutes tops.”

  She laughs, nodding her head and moves to the side, but I hold tight to her hand.

  “Where do you live?”

  I throw the truck in gear and take off with one hand clasping hers and the other gripping the steering wheel.

  “About ten minutes north of campus,” I glance over at her quickly as I take a left off her road.

  “Judd, that’s about fifteen to twenty minutes away.”

  I grin, pressing my foot down on the gas as I answer, “Yeah, but like I said … I’ll have us there in ten.”

  And that is pretty much all we wait, because no sooner than my doorway is in sight, I have her in my arms, hastily ripping the door open and making a mad dash to my room. Three months … it’s been three months.

  Unlike only hours earlier, my clothes come off like wrapping paper and I eagerly await a silent show that Alyssa is offering, standing tall on my bed. My heart thuds at the thought of her stripping right here on my bed as her hips sashay side-to-side and she slowly inches her shirt up, up, up and up. This is at the top of every guys bucket list. The need inside me grows and my whole body feels as though it has been set on fire, burning out of control. Once her bra hits the ground, I truly lose all my willpower.

  I pull both of us the rest of the way out of our clothes and blanket her body with mine, ready to feel her, taste her and kiss her again. My mouth quickly forms to her skin, gliding from the corner of her lips to her neck, across her jawline and pulling the tender flesh of her earlobe into my mouth while my hands feel their way down her body.

  Barely skimming my teeth across her earlobe, I pull away and whisper, “I love you.”