Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I jump to my feet, ripping the sheet off the bed and tearing my jeans up from the floor.

  "This isn't what it looks like!" I plead pointing to Bethany lying in her bed. I flinch my head back to look at the bed then over to Alyssa's bed. What the hell! Why am I in Bethany's bed? Did I sleep walk?

  “Alyssa, I’m so sorry. He got into bed with me after you … one thing led to another. It all happened … and then we just got carried away. I’m so sorry!”

  Her words ignite a fury inside of me that verges on destructive. I angrily toss my head from side-to-side, my glands about ready to pop from the amount of adrenaline raging through them.

  “I did not! Don’t even make up some bullshit like that!” I point to Bethany, who has a whiney-ass-fake-as-hell-wounded look on her face that I am not falling for. She knew what she was doing. Turning to Alyssa still in the doorway, I plead for her to believe me and not her psychotic roommate, “God no, Alyssa … this is not what it looks like. I did not do anything with her.”

  She stares at me in utter disbelief and shock and for a minute I want to yell at her that her friend is a complete liar, a cheat and a complete fraud, but all I care about is her looking me in the eyes right now; to really look at me. She knows I would never do this to her.

  “Alyssa, you have to believe me, please. I was asleep and I just woke up and she was …”

  She looks back and forth between her bed and Bethany’s and I know without a doubt what she wants to know, but she already knows the answer. It’s not the first time I’ve mistakenly turned the wrong direction in mid-sleep. My bed’s on that side at my apartment so naturally, when I’m not thinking or semi-unconscious I tend to go with old habits. I look back at her bed, my heart aching that I have to defend myself from this. There is no way I could have … could I? It crosses my mind for only a second but I dismiss it.

  “What was going on? Did you two …”

  I don’t even let her finish, “Hell no, we did not! I would never do that to you!” I yell louder than I should as she turns to look at Bethany.

  “Bethany?” her soft voice is thick with sadness and pain.

  Bethany doesn’t answer right away, but I cannot even bring myself to look at her. My mind flies through the night of all the dreams I had and how half the time, I swear I was making love to Alyssa, but then the other half I could hardly tell whether I was awake. God, there is no way I could have mistaken …

  “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did,” Bethany starts, jerking me out of my spiraling thoughts.

  “You’re lying! I didn’t touch you!” I holler out as she remains situated in her bed with the sheet clasped around her body. Just the sight of her makes me sick.

  She goes on as if I’m not hell bent on proving her wrong, “As soon as you left, I came in to sleep in my bed of course, and Judd walked over and got in beside me. It wasn’t like me and Kyle, he initiated this, I promise. You have to believe me.”

  I drop my head into my palms and squeeze my eyes shut, anger and regret surging through my veins, into my heart and dragging me into a pool of shame.

  “There it is,” I whisper to myself, shaking my head in disbelief.

  This was her plan, all along. How could I be so stupid and not just tell Alyssa from the start? I grit my teeth as she goes on, a throbbing sensation shooting through my jaw and down my neck.

  “The night you walked in on me and Kyle. I assumed you always knew. I was just jealous and we both got drunk and it just happened. That was my fault, but this time is different. He got into my bed. I thought he wanted me and so …”

  No way is she twisting this around.

  “I do not want her and I did not crawl into her bed to be with her. I was half asleep and half drunk and just got into the wrong bed,” I shout while glaring at Bethany then back to Alyssa. She is not winning here! I will not lose Alyssa! I can’t!

  She backs away a bit, taking on a defiant stance that I haven’t seen since the night we got back together. No, please, no. Her eyes are bloodshot, but her facial features are etched in sadness.

  “You did crawl into her bed though!”

  “Yeah, but I …” I try to justify my actions that I was half asleep and it was a simple mix up, but Bethany’s shrill voice interrupts.

  “He got in and I had no idea …”

  I refuse to let her play the victim here.

  “You’re a liar! I would never touch you!” I shout out until the blood vessels in my neck and face may burst. Holding my trembling hand up, I beg Alyssa to listen. “Alyssa, please. If you would just listen to me …”

  She looks down at the floor, not even willing to look me in the eyes. It crushes me; destroys me.

  “Have you been screwing her this whole time? Is that what was so urgent that you needed to talk to me about last night? What, you needed to get it off your chest?”

  What the hell! The simple fact that she would ask something like that infuriates me and tells me I’ve already lost this battle. Why didn’t I tell her when I had the chance?! I’m not giving up, though.

  Stumbling all over myself for the right words and still in sheer shock, my voice comes out harsh, “No! Why would you ask that?! You know I love you!” That is the one thing I know with absolute certainty through this whole crazy mix-up. I love her!

  She steps away, ripping my heart right out of my chest with the distance. Glancing up, she looks over to Bethany with pleading eyes.

  “We only had sex this one time. Other than that all we have done is kiss. He kissed me the other night after we went shopping for costumes but that’s it.”

  God no! This was it the whole time! I played right into her hands by not saying anything!

  “No! Wait! That is not true! She’s lying! I did not …”

  Her voice clips me off and I swear I’ve never had the urge to hit a girl before, until now.

  “I told him that I was the one that slept with Kyle and that I would not hurt you like that again. That’s when he …”

  That was her plan and she made damn sure to beat me to the punch so that I wouldn’t be able to defend myself.

  “Wait a minute! I did not …”

  “Did you kiss her? Did you know that about her and Kyle? Answer me!” she yells, cutting me off before I can explain, and technically I can’t explain because I screwed up.

  I should have told her. I should have known Bethany would pull something like this if she was bold enough to kiss me, with Alyssa just in the other room.

  “It’s not like that. Please, this is all getting blown out of proportion,” I plead with her, determined to make her understand, plus frantic to understand everything that happened this morning myself.

  I barely get to finish before an outraged Alyssa bolts out of the bedroom, into the kitchen and towards the front door. My bare feet pound against the carpet behind her, hitting wet spots periodically where someone has soaked it with alcohol. This seems too familiar and a place I never thought I’d be again.

  “Would you wait? This is not how it looks!”

  She gives me an angry glare with her eyebrows drawn down right before she slams the door in my face. Reaching for it, I quickly halt, nearly colliding into it. Slamming my hand to the door knob, I hear one sound and I nearly come unglued.

  “Judd, wait,” Bethany calls out from behind me.

  My whole body tenses as I rip the door open, not even caring if I detach it from the hinges at this point. She would be best to stay the hell away from me.

  Snapping my head around, I see Piper stirring on the couch and Bethany standing in the doorway to the bedroom only covered by her sheet.

  “You’re a damn liar!” My jaw is concrete and my teeth grind so hard I’m sure I may break a tooth. I don’t even wait for her to reply.

  Speeding through the door and out of the complex I catch up with Alyssa in a mad dash to get in her car. I can’t let her go! What the hell do I do? I can’t lose her! Right on her heels, every nerve in my body
is in a panic. Where is she going? Don’t go, don’t go … I’ll do anything. My mind races and swerves over things to say, but all I want to do is hold her and beg her to stay.

  She bends to get into the car and my arms function completely on their own by surrounding her waist in an urgent and terrified grip.

  “Lyssa, please let me explain. This is all wrong,” I say, burying my face in her hair.

  She flinches at my touch, retracting her stomach away from my fingertips and making my heart shatter into oblivion as she spins around out of my grasp.

  Her beautiful blue eyes are ice cold and I know, without a doubt she is not going to listen to anything I have to say. I’m helpless to everything but watching her go, and that kills me.

  “Then, explain!” she screams with so much animosity that I find myself flinching from the pain this whole situation is causing my heart. Her voice softens and her eyes fill with tears, pooling until they slip out one by one in a steady stream. “You were in her bed; you were naked and she was naked on top of you.” Her voice holds so much sorrow that it impels my soul and, my chest wall closes in slowly and irreversibly. “I could see, Judd. You were turned on while she was on you.”

  I shake my head slowly; my own eyes stinging with pending tears. I want to deny it all, but the part that hurts the most, aside from seeing her pain, is that I don’t know what is true and what isn’t. Everything she is saying is correct, yet I cannot and will not believe for a second that I had sex with Bethany. I would have known it wasn’t Alyssa, despite how drunk or sleepy I was. There is no amount of unconsciousness that could make me hurt her like that.

  She goes on, her cheeks soaked with tears, “She said you two kissed the other night. She said you knew about her and Kyle.”

  I don’t know what to say. My mouth won’t cooperate to explain that this is exactly what I have tried to tell her the last two days; this is what was so urgent. Words leave me and I stand there stunned and silent, reaching for her until my hands fall back against her waist. I want to beg her to stay, to plead with her but all I manage to do is shake my head in denial; denial that this is happening, denial of how such a beautiful night with her could take such a miserable turn.

  Her delicate features flare into a heated glare as she shoves me away.

  “So please, explain all that!”

  I can’t stay silent; she has to listen to me. My mind is a hurricane of horror as I imagine her walking away and never coming back to me.

  “Alyssa, I was going to. Please, you know me. Let’s just go inside and talk about this? I would never hurt you … I love you,” I say calm, knowing this may be my last chance as she inches back towards the doorframe of the car.

  My left hand still clutches to the fabric at her waist, holding on for dear life as if I will cease to breathe if this last cord is clipped. She glances down at my hand then back at my face with a look of hatred. My body goes numb and what’s left of my heart crumbles to dust.

  Jerking backwards out of my reach, the fabric slips from my fingers as my eyes mist over.

  “Save it! I refuse to be played for a fool anymore! I can’t do this!” she spits out as she jumps into the car, pulling the door closed as a barrier between us.

  My hands fall to the window frame and I grip it with a force I didn’t even realize I had in me. Just as my mouth opens to implore her to stay and to hear me out, she looks up into my eyes with a look of loss and heartbreak; a pain I know I’m the cause of. I did this. I was so determined to keep her from any extra amount of hurt that me not saying anything brought us both right here; to this.

  “Goodbye, Judd. Just let me go …” she says so softly, the pleading in her tone shooting through me until all I can do is slowly and hesitantly respect her request.

  My hand falls to my side at the same time as the tears slowly seep from my eyes, dripping down my cheeks.

  “Lyssa, please …” I begin in one last effort to make her stay, but as the engine revs and her car pulls away, I know there is no effort good enough. I’ve lost her and it’s all my fault.

  The car gets further and further away, shredding every ounce of happiness in my soul into nothing.

  I have nothing without her.

  I want to shout out and beg her to come back.

  I want to run after her until my feet can’t hold me up.

  I want to pound my fist into the brick wall of her complex, hoping the pain in my hand will lessen the ache in my heart.

  But instead of giving into my anger and hurt, I look at the window of their apartment and know there is only one thing I can do at this point; get to the bottom of this bullshit. Storming up to her apartment, I try to focus on controlling my temper instead of thinking about the fact that I may have lost her forever. If I think about that then there is no doubt that I will lose it and unleash all my fury on Bethany.

  I twist the door knob and walk back in, immediately coming eye-to-eye with her exiting her bedroom, fully clothed with a content look on her face like she just won a major victory. What a bitch! My forehead creases, my lips are curled and my brows dip so low that the hairs come into my line of sight. Opening my mouth, I am fully prepared to go off, but then she quietly points to Piper asleep on the couch, shushes me with her fingers over her mouth and turns to go back in her room. That’s the last place I want to be with her!

  Letting out a strained sigh, because right now it is tough to breathe with this vice clamped down on my heart, I move my feet forward knowing I need to still get my shirt and shoes. I also have no intention of leaving without confronting her even though I doubt she’ll be honest. There isn’t much that will convince me that she didn’t plan this.

  I pass by the couch, glancing at Piper curled into a ball and sleeping soundly as if all hell didn’t just break loose only minutes ago. Walking through the threshold of the bedroom that has held painful memories as well as absolutely amazing moments, all the rage and fury from this morning amplifies as I hear her whiney voice.

  “Judd, I am so sorry for what happened. I don’t know how it happened. Just one minute I was in my bed and the next …”

  Widening my eyes, I cut her off with a sudden added rush of ferocity brewing inside me, “Don’t give me that crap. You knew exactly what you were doing. Was this your grand master plan?” I spit out as I tear my shirt up off the ground and throw it over my head quickly.

  “What?!” Bethany jumps off Alyssa’s bed where she has been perched and for some reason seeing her near that bed makes my anger blaze. “Like I had any control over you crawling into bed with me. Remember, you were in my bed?” she slowly, raises one eyebrow and places her hands firmly on her hips, as if her sternness will have some sort of power over convincing me.

  “You know that was an accident. I wouldn’t have gotten into your bed on purpose, especially if I knew you were in it. I’m with Alyssa and I love her. I don’t feel a damn thing for you!”

  “Well you’ve gotten into my bed before … on your own.” She crosses her arms, eyeing me and making my skin crawl with just the thought of …

  “Yeah, again … I was drunk off my ass and trust me, it wasn’t on my own accord. If I had full mobility at that moment, I would have run far away from your crazy ass.”

  She huffs out a laugh and I take a deep breath, trying my best to not let her rile me up any further. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand and shoving it in my back pocket, I glance at it briefly to see if maybe Alyssa has called. Completely irritated, but with a bit of renewed calm, I try to get to the bottom of this whole situation so I can go find Alyssa.

  “Listen, Bethany, I don’t know what your angle is here. Bottom line, I love Alyssa and I’ll tell you right now, even if you and I were the last two humans left on Earth and the weight of the human race fell upon our shoulders to rebuild the population, personally, I think I’d prefer all of mankind to die out, all together …” shrugging, I stare at her, “… but that’s just me.”

  She squints her eyes as I speak and her inno
cent expression turns darker with a hint of hostility and hatred. It’s about damn time.

  I go on a little further, needing some answers, “With that said and with you now understanding that you will never stand a chance, because I love Alyssa and Alyssa only … I need to know, what happened?”

  She opens her mouth, quick to answer me and all I see waiting in her eyes is lies. I hold my hand up to halt her, before she goes over all the same crap she spewed in front of Alyssa.

  “And I repeat, even if you are hell bent on lying about everything, even that won’t make me want you, but tell me honestly what happened and at least you can spare yourself the humiliation of everyone knowing what a conniving, manipulative person you are.” I grit my teeth as I spit out the word ‘person’, because there are far more impolite terms I could use for her at this point.

  Her lips snarl and for the first time, I swear I see something different in her eyes as she looks at me; animosity and fear.

  She continues standing between the beds with her hands tightly folded over her chest and her hands clinched into fists. My brows, mouth and jaw are all permanently locked into an enraged grimace with my own fists balled so forcefully that my knuckles have turned white as I unhitch them to grab up my shoes and socks.

  Bethany remains silent as I stand back up, fixing my glare back on her.

  “Well?”

  Clearing her throat, I brace myself to hear the truth; to actually know that I did not touch her. Anxiety climbs into my throat and my eyebrows quiver with the thought that this whole morning was some sick joke.

  Her expression softens and hope leaps through me as she finally speaks up, “What I said was true.”

  My entire world takes a nose dive with her words, crashing in an explosion of astonishment, anguish and shame. I grip my shoes in my hand with such force that it could nearly break my fingers in two.

  “The truth!” I spit out, still not believing her. “I think I would know if we had …” nausea barrels through me.

  “It is the truth. We were together. We had …”