Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I am not going to listen to this, “Together? I’ve never been together with you! Stop saying we did! There is no way! I would know if we had!” My mind races through any sort of blurred, alcohol generated delusions that I can find, but I find nothing. “I did not touch you. I wouldn’t have! Quit lying!”

  My head throbs and my body quakes in horror like some cruel nightmare that I cannot force myself to wake up from. We didn’t! We couldn’t have!

  “Judd, we did. It was only for a little while, but we did … we had sex.”

  That single word shoots right through my heart, slaughtering any hope I had for getting Alyssa back. I’ve lost her. She’s gone.

  I DON’T DARE GIVE Bethany any more of my time. If what she said is true, if I did touch her while I was asleep and still half intoxicated, then I do deserve to lose Alyssa, but I just cannot believe I did. My mind developed a case of black-out-drunk-amnesia right in the most crucial moment for me to remember every detail, not that I would want to if what she said is true. I could punch myself for drinking at all last night.

  Slamming the door of my truck, I sink into the seat and push back hard against the headrest with my eyes held closed and my mind on a constant cycle of replaying everything that I can remember from last night until this morning.

  The buzz from an incoming text message has my eyes springing open and my whole body rocketing forward to get it out of my pocket and see if it is her. Please let it be her, wanting to talk. Finally getting it out of my back pocket, my eyes focus on the message that lights up my lock screen and my heart sinks.

  Evan: Hey, when you decide to join the living give me a shout. I’m running into work today to get a few things done and wanted to see if you were up for some overtime?

  My hand tightens and I stare at it with absolutely no motivation to answer him right now. I’m not even sure if I could think about work at this point. A movement flickers from the corner of my eyes and I turn my head to look over to the sidewalk in front of the complex. Kyle stands near the doorway in a deep discussion with Piper, who must have finally woke up.

  Looking back at my phone, I decide to hell with waiting. She may hang up but I have to try.

  After tapping on her name at the top of my recent call list, I shove the hard face of my phone to my ear and wait, silently counting each ring until I hear her voicemail message.

  “Hi, this is Alyssa. Leave a message.”

  I have no clue what to say, but with no particular thought in mind, my mouth opens and everything I thought I didn’t know to say, spills out.

  “Lyssa … I know you’re not going to pick up and I know you need time, but please know that I am so confused about all of this. I have no memory of anything and I have no idea how this could’ve happened. I know you are hurt and you have every right, but please call me back. Please don’t end it like this! Let’s talk about it all and try to figure it out together. I … I know saying sorry isn’t good enough, but I will do anything and everything to fix this. You have to …”

  … If you are satisfied with your message, press two...

  The automated voice cuts me off and I hang up out of frustration, immediately pressing her name to call her back.

  “Hi, this is Alyssa. Leave a message.”

  My heart aches as I listen to her sweet voice. God, I wish she was in my arms. Starting to leave another message, I catch a movement near my window and turn instantly to see Piper, smiling right outside my truck door. Holding my finger in the air, I signal for her to wait one second as I begin to speak.

  “Sorry. I guess I better make this a little shorter. Please call me, Lyssa. I love you. You have to know that! I know you need time and I know you are hurt so I will wait as long as I have to, but please call me. I can’t lose you. I love you. Bye.”

  After hanging up, I swing my door open and step out to see what Piper was wanting. She stands patiently by the bed of my truck, her hands dangling at her sides, her hair a wild slept in mess and still outfitted in her costume from last night. Aware of me walking up behind her, she spins around with a gloomy look on her face and my heart flips with the thought of her going off on me for the sake of her best friend’s sister.

  “Hey,” I say quietly, shoving my hands in my pockets and looking down to the ground. Damn, I need to remember what happened. “Listen, I know Alyssa is hurt and she has every right to be, but I swear I don’t think I …”

  Piper cuts me off quickly, moving forward and grabbing my arm in a tender gesture, “Judd, I’m not going to pry into the whole ordeal that happened this morning. That’s between you and her.”

  I look at her dumbfounded, probably with my mouth hung open. She immediately reads into my reaction.

  “Yes, I heard dang near all of it. Kind of hard not to with all the shouting and doors slamming, but hey, it doesn’t concern me. Besides, I was half awake/half asleep so I could have heard some things wrong.”

  She offers me a gentle smile then folds her arms over her chest, looking down as I stare at her in surprise. I’ve barely said a word to Piper since I’ve met her, but just this small interaction tells me so much more than I’ve ever known about her. Something about her expression suddenly seems lost, sad and lonely; nearly the same look I see on Tristan’s face from time to time.

  “I wanted to tell you that Abby left me a note that says they went to the hospital.”

  My heart slams to the ground as if it’s been ripped from my chest. “What happened? Is it her dad?” I ask in a panic, ten seconds from bolting to the hospital without a single thought of whether Alyssa wants to see me or not.

  “Yeah, it is. I don’t know all the details. I just texted Abby briefly and they don’t know everything, yet.”

  I turn to get in my truck, before she finishes, but her hand once again falls on my shoulder.

  “Wait,” she calls out as I turn to look at her. Not too far behind her I catch sight of Kyle coming out of the apartment complex, straining to carry the empty keg and struggling to talk on his phone with his head bent to the side, pressing the phone into his shoulder.

  Piper’s voice knocks me out of my daze along with all the questions I wish I could ask Kyle about the night Bethany sank her teeth into him. “I know you want to race over there, but let them face this as a family first. Maybe at least call her later,” she sighs, looking at me as if it is hard for her to advise me to spare Alyssa’s feelings right now. “I just think if Alyssa is dealing with this, maybe she won’t be able to handle much else. You know …” she crinkles her nose up and stops talking.

  I smile, grateful for the advice, but still desperate to go to Alyssa. What can I do? Piper’s right. I can’t put more on her right now. Last thing Alyssa needs to deal with is what happened this morning when she could be facing the toughest moment in her life. My heart squeezes as if someone’s fist is sunk into my chest, crushing it to nothing. Not only do I want to be there for her, but her father filled a piece of my heart that has been empty for so long. I can’t stay away. I’ve never had the opportunity to say goodbye to anyone I loved before. I know this isn’t about me, but I need to thank Alex.

  Piper looks at me with a questioning expression as if she’s fearful that she hurt my feelings.

  “No, I agree. You’re right, but is there any way that maybe I could get Abby’s number?” It’s a long shot that Abby will be very happy to hear from me, and ultimately it will be putting added stress on her as well if she feels the need to defend her sister’s honor, but I’m hoping I can at least have a civil conversation with her about her dad. Piper sidesteps uneasily, studying my face as if she’s contemplating what to do. I give her a strained smile and finally, she smiles back.

  “Ok … but if she’s pissed off, you didn’t get it from me.” She holds her hand out and I immediately hand her my phone so she can enter the number in.

  I watch as she carefully adds Abby’s name and number as a new contact. Handing it back, I peer down and am ready to call right this second.

&
nbsp; “Just wait until later today maybe, ok?” I snap my head up and want to disagree totally, but I don’t. Instead, I nod, agreeing to her terms. “And don’t upset her,” she adds sternly.

  A scraping sound pierces my ears and I turn my head to see Kyle situating the keg in the back of his truck before slamming the tailgate shut.

  “Ok, I’ll see you around.” Piper darts off with a warm smile and jumps in a car a couple spaces over from mine.

  Slowly turning to leave, my mind swims with questions that I have no answers for, my heart is heavy with worry for Alyssa and her family and my entire body vibrates with an unsettled feeling that I cannot pinpoint. Searching the ground as I move to the door of my truck, I look up and catch a subtle nod from Kyle as he jumps in his truck. What the hell.

  Lifting my hand, I holler out in his direction, “Hey, wait up.”

  He looks surprised, still grasping the door handle of his vehicle as I take long strides to join him and hopefully gain some comprehension on what could have possibly transpired in those few unconscious moments that were robbed from me this morning.

  “Hey, man. How are you feeling today? You were pretty wasted last night,” Kyle pipes up as I walk towards him, but I’m in no mood for pleasantries. I just want to get to the bottom of this whole Bethany situation.

  “I’m fine. I have some questions for you,” I say, getting right to the point as I automatically fold my hands across my chest.

  He puts his hand up between us as if he’s prepared to hold me back, like I may attack him. This amuses me, but the emotions swirling in my heart and head hold back any ounce of laughter I could possibly have left.

  “Listen, about that call this summer … I really am sorry. I was in a bad place and I ….”

  Lowering my brows, I quickly correct him so we can move on, “No, it has nothing to do with that,” I pause, watching him slowly nod in understanding. “I actually wanted to know about the night you slept with Bethany.” I put it out there plain as day and wait, staring at him as his face shifts from shocked to uncomfortable and nervous.

  “Man, did you tell Alyssa? She is going to hate me.”

  “No, I didn’t. The other participant from that night broke it to her in a rather blunt and shitty way this morning.” I really don’t want to dive into what happened between me and her out of fear that he may view her as being back on the market, but I don’t see how I can avoid it.

  “Ahhh, shit! What the hell. She’s the last person I thought …”

  “Kyle, I don’t really care about whether my girlfriend hates you or not and the last thing I want to discuss with her is what went down that night, but I really need some answers so I can straighten something out.” He has no reason to answer my questions as bitter as I’m being, but after all he stole from me this summer it’s hard to pretend to be buddies.

  “What do you want to know?”

  His simple remark surprises me, but I go for it and make it as uncomplicated as possible, “Did you actually sleep with her.” He looks at me, baffled, so I rephrase my question, “Do you remember everything that happened?”

  He takes a deep breath, staring me down, obviously hesitant to be so open with me.

  “Listen, that night was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve stood by knowing my dad has cheated on my mom for as long as I can remember, so that,” he raises his eyebrows and although I want to stop all the get-to-know-me bullshit, I let him go on, “… it is not something I’m proud of. I’ll always regret it happening, but yes, I remember it and wish I didn’t.”

  He stops talking but I still need to know more. I just cannot believe that I slept with Bethany. There is no way. I don’t care what she says; I don’t believe it. Kyle shifts uneasily, clearly as uncomfortable as me.

  Just as I’m about to urge him to go on, he opens his mouth to elaborate, “All night I kept texting Alyssa to come to the party, but she insisted that she had plans with her family. I had no idea about her father’s heath at that time.” He looks at me, defeated and beat down and my heart drops to my stomach, knowing that Alyssa may be facing the tail end of that pain-stricken journey right now as we speak.

  “After being shot down for the twentieth time, I drug myself to bed, frustrated and barely able to form a thought. I have no idea how long I was in bed, but I woke up with someone on me and we were already … you know. I was so wasted that nothing really registered until I heard someone else walk in … that’s pretty much when I realized the person in bed with me was not Alyssa, the person who walked in, was her.”

  He looks over to Alyssa’s bedroom window which faces the parking lot and a bolt of jealousy slices through me with the thought that he is probably thinking about her right now and how he wishes that night had never happened. I can’t say that I blame him, considering that is exactly the feeling that is engulfing me at this very moment, but I still would rather not have the knowledge of when of he is strolling down memory lane. It’s bad enough that he told me he went to bed frustrated after texting Alyssa that night. I know exactly what that means and why he wanted her there. My jaw tightens and my stomach knots, but I remain quiet, hoping to gain some insight into Bethany’s manipulative ways.

  “When I came back up to my room that is when I was finally sober enough to recognize all that had happened and that’s when I got slammed with the drunken fact that I had not only cheated, but that it was with her best friend. I was so ashamed...” He looks over at me and I shift my feet, a truck load of trepidation washing over me. “… but the kicker was when I told her to get out and that what happened shouldn’t have … her response …” staring right at me with his jaw clamped tight in what looks like anger, he goes on in a bitter tone, “If I can’t have you, neither can she.” He sighs and glances back at her window. “After that, she called me, bugged the shit out of me and would not give it a rest. I knew Alyssa would hate me for life if she knew, so I stayed quiet. I should have told her,” he shrugs.

  With a deep sigh, I relent and do something I shouldn’t, but something that is weighing so heavily on my heart at this moment that I fear I may explode. I tell Kyle about what happened, about my absence of memory, about waking up much as he did and finding out I may have done something unforgivable. Dread slowly slithers over me with each word that flows from my mouth as I wonder if he will see this as a window of opportunity.

  After starting from the beginning and ending with my discussion with Piper, he studies my face with a confused, almost thoughtful expression; much different from what I expected.

  “Do you think you did?”

  I look down at my feet and subtly kick a pebble with the tip of my shoe. Flexing my jaw muscles in frustration, I hold back the desire to catapult that stone clear across the parking lot with the amount of disappointment and irritation that is surging through my veins.

  “No!” I snap then fling the stone a good five feet in front of me. “I don’t know. She said we did, but that’s like trusting Satan with your soul.”

  Folding his arms across his chest, Kyle lets out a breathy chuckle, “Isn’t that the truth. I wouldn’t trust anything she says. I’d go with your gut instinct on this one. Man, and here I thought she was determined to ruin my life and all along it’s Alyssa that she is hell bent on annihilating.”

  Nodding my head slowly, I let his words sink in. “Yeah, it was real weird how she told Alyssa about you two. I mean completely cornering me, like she planned this whole morning out. Like she sat down and strategized it as if she was going off to war or something.”

  He and I both stare dead ahead, possibly thinking over the same fact. How the hell did we not see through her?!

  “Who the hell needs enemies, when your girlfriend has a friend like her?” Kyle says in a bland tone. I don’t see how he held this in for so long. I have no proof of the fact that I did not sleep with her, but I am about to burst with the need to get the truth out of her. I refuse to believe what she says.

  AFTER A QUICK SEE-YA-LATER, Kyle an
d I part ways and I head towards the office. My head is whirling with everything that has happened and although I’m only a block away from the site of the new mall, my heart and soul are actually a couple miles away, beating in despair for Alyssa.

  Once I pull into the lot, relief floods every ounce of my body when I see Evan and Mr. Jansen making their rounds over the site. Frankly, the last thing I feel like doing is rehashing the details of my morning to Evan, even though he is my best friend. For now, I’d rather just hide in the office. Once inside, I bury myself in work, unable to shove the ache in my heart aside, but sinking my mind into blue prints, work orders and contracts.

  Looking up at the clock, I note that it has barely moved since the last time I glanced at it. Only 11:30; the clock hates me! Slouching down in the uncomfortable office chair with my elbows pressed into the rock-hard surface of the desk, my eyes linger to my phone which is conveniently placed face up right by the laptop so that I will have an immediate view of any incoming calls and texts. As if she would call me after what I may have done.

  My chest retracts and my shoulders drop as a strangled, desolate sigh creeps up my throat and out my mouth, not giving me any relief from my misery. I want to call her so bad. Screw this! I’m not going to be any good today.

  Pushing myself away from the desk, my chair rolls back until I jump up and bolt out the door to my truck, to do who knows what. I honestly have no clue where to go or what to do. My heart tells me to go to the hospital so I can be there for Alyssa, for them all, yet my mind is screaming for me not to put her through the pain of seeing me when she already has a heart wrenching road ahead. God, I’ll never forgive myself if something would happen to Alex during this time; if I was unable to say goodbye. He’s been the closest thing I’ve had to a father in a good ten years. I, at least, want the opportunity to thank him for that.

  “Hey, whoa, wait up!” Evan yells, just as my hand falls upon the handle of my truck door. I squeeze it tightly, releasing some of the energy and pain of this day into it.