Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I’m not sure what is in her head as we sit here, and I’m not even positive that she understands why I’m bringing her to this place today, but a part of me thinks she gets it. Staring over, her eyes glisten with held back tears and understanding as she looks at the angel at our feet.

  I know how her heart hurts and the fears she has that her life will be forever altered by the single moment when Alex took his last breath.

  But I want her to see that life moves forward, it goes on whether we want it to or not, we carry on day-by-day, step-by-step and little-by-little the pain lessens. It’s always there, but then one day you look up and you see sunlight again.

  I did, when I saw her.

  I thought the clouds that blanketed the sky the day Mom died would always fog my life, but when I least expected it, there it was again; the sun, another angel sent into my life.

  Even if we don’t move past all the lies and deceit that Bethany has shoved our way, I’ll always be grateful. Alyssa taught me that I can move forward and I hope in some small way, I’m showing her the same thing today. I still don’t intend on giving her up without a fight.

  After a quiet drive home followed by the solitude of her and I sitting silently in my truck for what seemed like the entire night, she retreats back inside and I watch her go. Pounding fiercely like an animal running for its life, my heart pleads with my mind to speak up; to make her stay, and although I breach the subject, I still hold back and let her have her space. This time is sacred and today the weight of the world has fallen upon her, so I head home. As always though, I send one more message to let her know I am here and will remain nearby.

  Me: Every second I’m without you only makes me fall more in love with you. I love you more than you will ever know. When you are ready, I will be here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Alyssa.

  The next day drags on and on. My head may very well explode from lack of sleep, I have no desire to even go to class and my heart is hyperaware of the emptiness that has taken root since she’s been gone. The one good thing is that when I make it to work, Evan and Mr. Jansen keep my mind busy. They send me on every silly odd errand they can dream up then proceed to take me to dinner after our shift. But nighttime eventually falls, and the side of the bed that became accustomed to her body seems more and more empty.

  Me: You’re on my mind, in my heart, in my dreams and a part of me. I miss you and love you.

  And that becomes our routine. I have no doubt that Alyssa loves me but she is in the midst of fighting a battle, a war with her heart and head. I waged that same one, years ago, and have been struggling for air, to catch my breath ever since; up until she came into my life. I love her, so I am more than willing to step back and let her breathe; let her find her way. When the time is right, I’ll know when to take her hand and help her up.

  Today, thankfully I’m off work and decided once again not to go to class. Instead, I find it is finally time to put some things in the past. Tossing my phone to the passenger seat, I drive, ready to see where this road will take me. I’m hopeful for the first time, because now I am armed with new information. Things I was unable to remember for so long. My mind stays busy drawing up each and every moment from the days leading up to Mom’s death as I drive home. I go over the look in Tristan’s eye each time he told me and Jake we couldn’t sit with Mom, over the expression on his face the day of her funeral as he struggled to hold it together. He struggled to hold it together for us.

  Walking inside the house, I’m greeted by silence and Tristan’s closed door once again, but fortunately I called Jake on the way over and he assured me that Tristan was here. He even managed to sneak the key to his room off his keychain. Slipping around the kitchen bar, I reach under the wire basket that holds a few apples and oranges. I slide the metal key over the tile and pick it up.

  “Thanks, Jake,” I say under my breath with a whole new outlook on everything, yet a swarming fear in my gut that Tristan may not be in the same place as I am.

  Closing my eyes, I send a prayer up and hope that if at all possible, that maybe Mom can give me some advice. She knew Tristan better than anyone. Once I’m to the door, I slide the key in, turn the knob and push it open. I slip inside, quietly while Tristan lies asleep in bed. Glancing around, I immediately find a wheelchair beside the bed along with a dresser adorned with a collection of pill bottles. My mouth goes dry as I glance back at the wheel chair, then to his legs stretched out buried under a pile of blankets.

  “Hey …”

  His voice startles me, but I continue to stare at the blankets.

  “Did you find the key Jake left for you ok?”

  This gets my attention.

  “What?!” My eyes widen in astonishment that he possibly knew I was coming and breaking into his room, no less. “You knew he took your key?” Shit! If he didn’t, he does now. Suddenly, I feel like a kid getting ready for their punishment.

  He chuckles, pulling himself up with his arms and throwing a pillow behind his back.

  “Well, yeah..” he smiles, crinkling his brows as he situates himself, smoothing the sheet up to his ribcage, which sports all sorts of healed gashes, but he never moves the blankets. “I may have been a shitty choice for a guardian, but I did learn some tricks from Mom. Besides, Jake is too honest … it’s written all over his face when he’s being sneaky. He must have repeated the same thing twelve times when he was grabbing my keys.”

  “But why …”

  He doesn’t even let me finish before he starts laughing and I fear his asshole ways are about to emerge and dig into me until we are in some hellacious fight.

  “Judd, honestly, I figured it was time we talked. I’ve been trying to for a while now, but it just seemed there was always something standing in the way, either with you or with me.”

  This shocks me; practically knocks me down. “And now?”

  “You tell me.”

  I look at him, not sure of what to say. Is this it? Here I came to him, ready to get it all out and resolve all that has stood between us for so long and now I’m scared to death. This bitterness between us has gone on for so long that I don’t remember what life would be like without it. It’s been so long since I’ve known normal; since we both have. Looking back to the blanket, I ignore his question and decide we need to start somewhere.

  “Tristan, what happened?” I pause, afraid my intrusive question may open up a window to a storm, but I go on, “Your legs … are you?”

  He cuts me off quickly, shaking his head with a frown etched across his face.

  “Listen, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself … I need to take care of myself and this …” he points down to his legs, with a breathy chuckle that sounds anything other than funny. “This is no big deal. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

  “But are …”

  “Judd, I’ve put a lot on you for a while now and I should never have done that. I forced you to grow up fast, because that’s what I had to do. I couldn’t see past my selfishness and I’m sorry.”

  He looks down, shame and remorse shadowing every feature of his face, but I can’t say a word. That came out of nowhere. I came to apologize and here he is doing it before I can even find the courage.

  I draw my head back, stunned. Deep down I want to rush across the room and hug him. I want to rejoice at seeing my brother again; the brother I grew up with. Tears sting my eyes as I remember who he used to be.

  “Tristan, push me,” I yell, knowing I can do it myself, but also loving how he runs under the swing on a big push just like Dad used to.

  “Hang on.”

  Jake laughs as Tristan gives him a big shove on the merry-go-round. He races my way, gripping the chain at my sides.

  “You ready?” He pulls me back as far as he can reach. “One more push and then I have to go check on Mom back at the fountain. Deal?”

  “Deal!” I yell, looking around to make sure there are no other kids in sight to see my big brother push me like I’m some
sort of baby. I’m almost ten, definitely not a baby.

  “Here you go bud,” he says on a strained voice as he runs forward on a heavy push then runs under the swing at the last minute, boosting me high in the air.

  My belly jumps with a tickle and he races off into the woods to go find Mom.

  “I’ll be back,” I hear as he disappears.

  I stare at Tristan, my mouth unable to form words. My heart gapes open on the thought of how he was constantly running to help Mom, to make us dinner, to get us to school when she got sicker, in his room studying late at night, working midnights at the garage, helping us with our homework. He became our mother and father for years.

  A tear slips down my face and I wipe it away quickly, with more guilt flooding my soul. I came here to talk to him, to apologize to him, so why is it so hard now.

  “Can I ask you something?” I don’t know why I want to ask or why all of sudden that I feel defiant on something I felt so clearly just a bit ago. I know now that Tristan had the cards stacked against him, but I need to know.

  “Sure …” his voice cracks as he looks up at me then back down to the hem of the comforter, which he keeps fiddling with in a nervous manner.

  “Why did you shove that same life at me as soon as Mom died?” I cringe with the last words I speak, and I see him flinch as well.

  He threw adulthood at me before I was even old enough to drive. I want an answer, yet suddenly, I no longer see him as the selfish, greedy screw off that he has been; with only a few words between us today, I now view him as lost and in a desperate search for the happiness we all knew before Dad left and Mom got sick. Not much different than me.

  “Hey, you remember when we were kids and we lived in that house on the corner with that huge ass hill?”

  I nod my head, unsure of where he’s going with this, but eager to listen. This is the first civil discussion we’ve had in forever.

  “You, me and Jake would line our bikes up at the top and speed down that hill going a hundred miles an hour it seemed.” He laughs and I can see him lost in the memory. “We’d fly and fly, but we always hit that bottom turn going too fast and you and I would inevitably go flying off our bikes into that cluster of bushes.”

  I laugh out loud, unable to control myself at the carefree childhood memories. I had forgotten about that.

  He looks up at me, all amusement and happiness drained from his face. “Every single time, you would jump up and get right back on your bike and keep going. You remember?”

  I lower my brows, still confused, but I nod anyways.

  “Sometimes, it just takes some of us longer to get back on the bike. Jake, he always managed to slow down before he hit that turn. I swear he never fell off.” He pauses and smiles, yet it’s an unhappy expression. “Me … I ended up walking home with a busted lip once, a broken arm one time and even needed stitches in my chin another time.” His eyes mist over as his voice cracks on a chuckle that makes my insides hurt. “I wasn’t ever able to figure out how you and Jake kept going. I’ve been trying to get up for four years, Judd. I’m not telling you that I found a way up yet, but I want you to know that I have my eyes open now.” He looks down, playing with the edge of the comforter again. Shaking his head, all emotion drops from his voice.

  I stare at him, ready to stop him from talking, to tell him I understand, but he ends the sentiment.

  “Listen, I need to get some rest,” he clears his throat as if pushing away a deeper emotion than he is letting on. “I’m taking some heavy duty pain pills that knock my ass out.”

  “Ok …”I say, my heart lodged in my throat.

  Turning toward the door, I grip the handle and make my way into the hall, glancing at Mom’s door. A sudden sensation climbs through me, an urge, a nudge filled with hope. This is the beginning. I swing around so fast, a light headedness overcomes me and I grab the door to steady myself.

  “Tristan …”

  He smiles. Not a shitty grin like he’s about to pummel me with some smartass comment and not even a frown which I’ve seen more than anything; he smiles, a genuine look that reminded me of when he was a teenager.

  “Yeah?”

  “So, there were a lot of things I wanted to say also. Things I now realize, that I didn’t before. Things I’ve been mad at you for, when I had no right to be.” He nods, crooking his mouth to the side slightly.

  “Maybe another day?”

  His eyes droop as he stretches his brows up in an effort to keep them open. He looks exhausted. Glancing back at the assortment of bottles on his dresser, I nod my head in agreement.

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  I leave the house and drive back to my apartment with a few tears in my eyes over me being blind for so long, yet having a small bit of the load lifted from my shoulders even though everything didn’t get discussed or resolved. I cling to that one thought. It’s a start. It’s words that I swear Mom gave me at the exact moment I needed them. Walking in the apartment, I shove my keys into my pocket along with my phone out of habit then think of Alyssa, wishing I could share this with her. There is so much I need to tell her and I’m ready now. I want to screw the cap off the bottle once and for all and let it all spill out.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  The noise at the door is a surprise, but immediately puts my heart on alert as I hear the dainty taps, unlike the heavy pounds that come when Tyler or Jake come by. My heart speeds at even the smallest inkling that it could be her. I race to the door and swing it open, an instant fit of rage boiling in my veins with what is waiting there.

  “What the hell do you want?!” I spit out as Bethany stands only a few feet in front of me, her hair a wild mess and makeup smeared beneath her left eye; or wait, is that a black eye? “What the hell happened to your face and how did you know where I live?"

  “Ummm, I brought you home one time, remember?”

  I forgot about that. Great! I snarl my lip and step back a couple paces, uncomfortable with how close she is.

  “Well you can leave … I have nothing to say to you!” I spit out, ten seconds from slamming the door in her face.

  “Wait,” she yells frantically, slamming her hand flat against the door as I am swinging it closed.

  Sighing, I look back at her face and although the sight of her pretty well makes me ill, I study her. Her left eye is framed in faint hues of purple, black and blue marks that look like bruising.

  “Fine! What happened to you anyways?”

  Quickly folding her arms across her baggy, wrinkled tee, she lets out a heavy breath and looks at the ground. “Alyssa hit me,” she mumbles, but I catch every word.

  My eyes widen and a bolt of delight and amusement ripples through me. Alyssa hit her? Good for her. Frankly, I'm surprised I've never been the recipient of my own black eye or worse yet, a swift kick to the balls. I chuckle at the feisty image of Alyssa that flashes through my mind. Bethany looks up at me, but I don’t hide my smile.

  “So since you didn’t know, I guess she’s not here?"

  This surprises me.

  “Why would she be here?" I spit out, excited that she presumed that Alyssa would be with me.

  Bethany’s eyes instantly fill with tears and I step back some more. Oh hell!

  “Judd, I lied! About everything! We never slept together! You knew it was me immediately and shoved me away! I had just snuck into bed and you were saying her name in your sleep and I tried to take advantage of the situation just like I did with Kyle. Only you knew it wasn't her and stopped me right away! I just told her all this just now and assumed she would come ….”

  My eyes cannot open any wider as she rambles on and my heart has already exploded, along with a mountain of anger that I have held back for Bethany. I knew it!

  Bolting past her, I slam the apartment door and bump my shoulder against hers in a hurry to leave. I definitely don’t need to hear anything else. I didn't sleep with Bethany...I didn't betray Alyssa! I have to find her. Did she go home? Why would she
not come find me? Have I lost her already?

  “Hey, wait …” Bethany yells out behind me, but I don’t stop.

  All the pieces of my life feel as if they are finally falling into place. So much has been lost that will never be recovered, but I’m seeing what is in front of me now; that my life is not sucked dry, it’s just starting. Each loss has brought me closer to another blessing in my life, things that have been strategically placed in the road, and most I didn’t notice right off the bat or still may not see, but I’m looking now, and I’m grateful.

  A half hour later and after a quick pit stop at the store for something that is probably completely ridiculous, I am sitting outside the cemetery, a distance away, assuming she would have come to visit her dad. My phone rings and I'm hoping it is Alyssa, but her home number comes up instead of her cell.

  My insides are bouncing with the hope that it is her.

  "Hello,"

  “Judd, is Alyssa with you,” Angela’s voice sounds a little worried, yet hopeful just like I feel.

  At least I’m not the only one thinking she should be with me right now. Apparently, everyone is on the same page as me, but as I glance up, I still do not see her anywhere around. I thought for sure she might have come here.

  “No, why did you think she was with me?” I honestly do not know if Angela knows about what happened or not, and I’m not about to tell her that I was mistakenly in someone else’s bed, even though I now know nothing happened.

  “Well, Bethany called for her earlier, but I thought she was getting her stuff from there, so it confused me. I had talked to her about you before she left and I thought maybe …” she pauses and I can almost hear her mind clicking away, thinking. “Anyways, she's not answering her phone and I need her to stop and get something at the store. Bethany mentioned before she hung up that maybe Alyssa was on her way to see you.”

  I sigh, confused on where she could be. As soon as Bethany’s confession spilled from her mouth, I had a thought tugging at me, pulling me, urging me to come here.