Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  “No, she didn't come see me, but I’ll find her. I’m actually looking for her now. Want me to have her call you?”

  “You know what? I have a pretty good idea where she is. I'll just give her some time and call her a little later, unless you find her before that. You know it is none of my business, but I know you two are having some sort of issues. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries but when life hands us a struggle, some of us don’t know how to react right off the bat. Some of us face it head on and move forward, but most of us run, some of us fall and refuse to get up, but it’s the people around us that can help us back up. When Alex and I met, we had to make so many sacrifices in our lives to move forward, but we eventually found our way and we got past those struggles. That’s not to say that life doesn’t keep throwing struggles our way, but I think once we finally find it, we always can. Alex was the love of my life and I will miss him every day, but some day I hope to see the meaning behind his loss.”

  Her words are like a throttle to my heart, like she stepped right into my mind and I know, I have to find Alyssa and I have to hold on tight. She was meant to come into my life and I can’t ever walk away. She brought air and the sun back into my life, she showed me what family was and her loss showed me a way to break through a wall of anger and hurt that had held me and my brother apart for years.

  “I really think right now, Alyssa just needs to be found. Whatever was between you two, you’ll work it out … just find her … the rest will fall into place.”

  My eyes softly close and I grip the phone to my ear tightly, a surge of emotion and reassurance coursing through me. It’s not only Alyssa that needs to be found.

  Opening my eyes, I push away the lump in my throat, “So you think she’s ready?”

  Angela has no idea what our situation is, but I ask it anyways.

  Maybe all the times I wanted to just walk up and fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness, maybe that’s exactly what I should have done; over and over.

  “I do, Judd, and if you know her well enough and love her, like I know you do … you’ll know exactly where to find her, too." The pain in her heart from her loss is evident, yet there is still a smile in her voice as she speaks of the love I hold for her daughter.

  “I know exactly where to find her. I'll bring her home later. Thank you for calling me,” I say staring ahead as Alyssa hops the fence and makes her way past my mom’s grave, pausing to look at it then slowly trailing to kneel in front of her father’s headstone.

  She didn’t come here first. My eyes fill with tears over the fact that I came to her dad’s resting place to find her, yet all the while she was only a breath away at my mom’s place.

  Remaining in my truck, parked behind the big oak tree, I watch as she sits in the grass, running her fingers through the dirt. Her lips move as she talks to her dad, looking ahead at the newly placed granite stone. I desperately want to race over and scoop her up into my arms but it is as if someone is quietly and gently holding me back, I wait and watch with a happiness in my heart once again. This is their time.

  A little while goes by, and the hands that were holding me in place slowly start to nudge me out of my truck and toward her and Alex. My feet carry me as if they have a mind of their own and my arms can almost already feel her within them.

  Coming to a complete stop, only steps away from her with only Alex’s plot and stone separating us, I watch as she speaks to him in a hushed tone with tears sliding down both her cheeks.

  “Please come back, Daddy. I just need to hug you one last time. I need to tell you goodbye...” she sobs and my heart rips open for her. “I need to tell you so much. You said you’d be here.”

  Her chest heaves in and out, and although I should feel as though I am invading on a private moment, I move forward a few more steps as if a barrier of gravity is pulling me to her. She sucks in a breath and runs the back of her hand across her face, slowly lifting her head to look up. I stop and hold my breath, in complete awe. Her face is streaked in tears, her eyes are bloodshot and a bright aqua blue, but she is absolutely breathtaking.

  Silence captivates us both for a few moments before she breaks the spell, “How did you find me?”

  Stepping around to the side of Alex’s plot, I walk towards her wanting nothing more than to grab her up into my arms, but again I stop and guide my hand to cup her chin between my fingertips. Her beautiful pain-filled eyes look back at me and I can see all signs of what happened between us are gone. I only see love and longing there.

  Opening my mouth I begin to answer her question with ‘I have no idea how I found you’ but different words pop into my mouth.

  “I’ll always find you,” I whisper and it suddenly dawns on me that I will. I don’t know how or why she was brought into my life, but it was for a reason. She found me and brought me back to life. It doesn’t matter what happens between us or in the future; I’m here and I’ll never leave her. “I know nothing happened that morning and I know for a fact that you know that now, too,” I tell her so that there are no walls left between us.

  The little crook between her brows that she always gets when she is confused or upset appears and she sucks in a panicked breath.

  “I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you. How can you still want me when I was able to believe her instead of you?”

  I want to laugh at how silly she is for thinking that I could not forgive her. There was never anything to forgive.

  “Of course I want you. Didn’t you hear me? I’ll always want you. Alyssa, you take my breath away. When we are together, I have to remind myself to breathe, because you make my heart beat so fast. When we’re apart, I’m constantly trying to catch my breath, because I can’t breathe without you. You’re my life, my air, my whole world. You’re it for me, Alyssa. I love you and I can’t live without you. I’m lost without you, baby.”

  No sooner than the words flow from my lips, she is in my arms and her mouth is on mine. I pull her off the ground, up level with me and I swear I cannot get her close enough. Her arm grazes the back of my neck igniting a shiver that runs through my body and her hair gently blows over my cheek, but I cannot stop tasting the sweetness of her lips.

  Finally sitting her down, I look into her eyes with my heart bursting. She’s everything. I take a quick glance to Alex’s stone, grateful and forever indebted to him for trusting me to love his daughter, for asking me to take care of her and for in some way leading me to her.

  “I’ll always find you … I promise, because you found me.”

  She found me when I was once again ready to run; run to California and leave everything behind.

  She pulled me up when I didn’t even realize the pain of the past was still eating me alive.

  She saved me, brought me back to life and if I can show her just a trace of that amount of love, then that will be more than most people experience in a lifetime.

  After our lips are once again accustomed to each other, we step forward in the direction of my truck and I slip my hand down to grab the sack that slipped from my hand when I picked her up. I was so happy to hold her again everything else on my mind was forgotten.

  “Let me take you to your mom and dad’s house. I’m not much of a cook, but I thought I could make these for you girls,” I chuckle as she peers inside the bag that I have held open.

  Her face breaks open into a wide grin. “I think we would all like that,” she giggles with a small escaped tear of joy as we make our way back to my truck.

  Unwilling to separate for even a second, we abandon her car at the playground and choose to make our way back to her parents together. I have no extra set of clothes and no toothbrush, I have to work tomorrow, but all I know is I am not leaving her side. I grip her hand tightly as I sit beside her in the small cab of my truck, feeling the weight of the world being released from my shoulders as the welded shut gates to my heart swing free and open.

  I squeeze her hand tighter, knowing there is one more thing th
at has been left unsaid; one piece of myself that I have held back.

  “Alyssa,” I clear my throat, prepared to shove down every ounce of hesitation that I’ve always felt on this subject, but there is none. I sigh and go on, “My mom started getting sick around my ninth birthday.” I see her head turn as her other hand falls across my forearm. “She wasn’t real sick at first, just stumbling, losing her balance.” I pause, seeing it like it was yesterday, yet having a rush of confidence in going on and letting it all out. “Me and Jake didn’t really think anything of it for the longest time, but eventually after Dad left, Mom got a diagnosis.” I gulp, still not looking over at her. “The doctors told her she had ALS and that the life expectancy is usually less than five years.” I turn my head and finally glance at Alyssa.

  Her eyes are glazed over with love and tenderness, hope and happiness and just like that, I know without a doubt that Mom is right here with me; that Alex never left Alyssa’s side. They are both with us and will walk through life with us and always, always give us guidance and a nudge to face the hardest things in life. It’s because of them that we can stare down unbearable tragedies such as losing a parent, and still keep our head above water; still breathe.

  “She showed them, because she hung in there for five full years after that diagnosis.” I smile, gripping the steering wheel with a sudden lightness in my heart over how brave my mom was until the very end. God, she fought; she fought for us.

  On the drive, we continue to talk and hold each other close, but this time there are no tears because we have one another. She leans into me and I stroke my thumb over the back of her hand, tingles racing over my skin. My heart kicks up and, although I shouldn’t be thinking it, flickers of us making love fly through my mind. The way her heart pounds at the same rhythm as mine; the way when I am lying above her, I can feel the drumming of it blended with my own to create the most beautiful music I've ever known. Our breaths, however fast and ragged that they become, they’re in sync; she breathes, I breathe. Her body melts into mine with her head securely resting against my shoulder and one of her legs draped over mine. If the stars had eyes, I know they would look down and see only one figure.

  As we pull up to her house, I casually lean forward and sneak a kiss before we head inside. As her lips touch mine, my heart floods with love and I’m reminded of the first time I kissed her. It was as if I had blasted off to the moon. My feet no longer stood on solid ground because at that very moment, I was lost in her forever.

  It's truly as though we were once one single block of clay that was molded, shaped and carved into existence. Once that one piece was perfected, we were separated into two bodies with air breathed into our lungs then cast down from the heavens to someday find each other again. Our lives were intertwined in the most exceptional way that we would have searched the globe if it meant finding one another. Her losses have brought new light into my life and my heartache and love will pull her through hers.

  I know she is mine and I never intend on letting her go. I’ll forever keep that promise to Alex. She is my life; my reason for wandering this earth.

  I've never known happiness like this until she walked into my life. She found me, simple as that. It only took a second, a fraction of a moment in the strand of time, but when her eyes met mine, I could breathe. It was then and only then, that I could finally catch my breath.

  I WALK INTO ALYSSA'S bedroom, instantly admiring her petite figure all sprawled out on the bed. My eyes roam up the length of her legs to her tight shorts up to the sliver of skin peeking out from beneath her shirt then over the peaks of her breasts and last to her beautiful face. She stirs and I can't help the ridiculous smile that pulls at my lips. This is a nice opportunity to surprise her.

  Walking silently over to the side of her bed, I gently slide on top of her, being careful to not bear the full weight of my body on her. My face hovers above hers and she immediately opens her sleepy eyes. Once she focuses on me her face lights up and her eyes beam with adoration.

  Glancing down to my lips, her eyes sparkle and I know she wants me to kiss her, so I do. She worms around beneath me and it takes all my will power to not get carried away like we always do. However, I have an agenda to keep, so I pull away. As my lips leave hers she lets out a small whimper and I have to chuckle. I completely understand.

  "Are you packed for the lake, yet?" She nods. "Why are you napping now? We have a four hour ride that you can sleep during."

  She laughs at my question. "Oh I have no intention of sleeping on the drive." Her mischievous tone makes me laugh but she quickly informs me of her plans. "It just so happens that I have the perfect view of your dimple from the passenger seat." I crack up as she moves in to plant a kiss on my right cheek. She is so obsessed with that.

  "Well you just so happen to see it more than anyone else in my life ever has." It's the complete truth. No one has ever made me smile like Alyssa does. I should just have surgery to make it permanent.

  "That's just because I make you so happy," she giggles, but I don't even laugh.

  I continue to smile at her knowing it is the complete truth. Instead of telling her, I decide to show her and kiss her deeply. Slowly the edge of her heels slide around the backs of my thighs then further up to clasp around my hips. Once she lets out her little noise that I love so much, I decide play time might have to wait. Pushing up to sit, I slide to the edge of the bed and settle down beside her. The look she gives me has me grabbing my stomach to hold back laughter.

  "Sit up; I have something I want to give you."

  "But Christmas is not for another three days," she says looking excited.

  "I know, but there will be tons of people there and I want this to be something just between you and me."

  Her eyes light up and she quickly sits up sliding her hand beneath mine. Instinctively, I thread my fingers through hers while reaching my other hand into my pocket. I pull out a small black box and waste no time informing her exactly what it is not.

  “Hey, it’s not a ring.”

  We both laugh remembering the last time I gave her a black box. I have another little black box to give her for Christmas. That one is also not a ring, but I figure if I give her several of these, by the time I give her the one that actually has the ring in it, it will be completely unexpected. At least that’s the plan.

  She giggles and squeals like a little kid and I am immediately on top of the world. Taking the box in her hands, she unties the delicate, satiny, pink ribbon and opens it slowly. Once she sees the contents she falls forward into my lap laughing hysterically. Not exactly what I was expecting.

  "Judd, I already have a key to your apartment. Besides we are always together so there is no need for two, let alone three keys."

  I smile happy that I have stumped her; I thought for sure she would figure it out.

  "You don't have a key to my new apartment," I say as I gulp down a ball nerves in order to say the next part, "Our apartment actually."

  Her eyes widen.

  I better explain my reasons pretty fast. "I know we only discussed the topic of moving in together as a joke to get away from Evan barging in, but I was looking around my room the other day and..."

  I look at her and her face is blank. She has a hint of a smile, but not near what I was hoping for. Damn, I hope I didn't rush this.

  I go on with my explanation,"… what I saw wasn't what I wanted to see. When I look on my dresser I want to see your stuff. When I open my medicine cabinet I want to see your tooth brush beside mine. I want to see all your clothes beside mine in the closet. And I always..." I pull her against me and look into her eyes with a smile. "I always want you by my side."

  I know more than likely no one will approve. They will think we are rushing this and moving too fast and maybe we are, but this whole thing between us started out fast from the get go so why change things up now. I smile thinking back on Alex’s words the day we sat on the back patio grilling. He said the same thing.

  With m
y last words she breaks into a fit of giggles and lunges at me nearly knocking me off the bed. I throw my arms around her and breathe in a sigh of relief.

  "Yes, yes! I will move in with you," she hollers through a thunder of laughter. Moving back only a bit, she looks me in the eyes with a worried expression. "I mean if that’s what you’re asking, then yes."

  I laugh, “Of course, that’s what I’m asking you. Move in with me.”

  With no more words between us, she attacks my lips and jumps into my lap pushing me back into the bed. Straddling me, she raises my hands above my head and wiggles around. I chuckle at her aggressiveness. I could get used to this. If this is her reaction to a key I can't wait til I do give her a ring.

  She leans into me and kisses my neck while letting her hands roam over my chest. I take in a deep breath, my jeans instantly tightening and not a fiber of my body wanting to put the brakes on even though we are in her parent’s house. I really do not want to stop this! She raises my shirt, her hands tickling across my abdomen and making me shiver beneath her touch. Oh good God! One last fraction of self control makes my hand fly out and grab hers before we are down to only a few articles of clothing between us.

  "Your mom is down in the kitchen." I glance over to the door, indicating that it is also wide open.

  She bends down into my ear, whispering, "We can be quiet and I can shut the door."

  I laugh at her suggestion.

  "You’re never quiet and neither am I." If we were quiet we would probably be able to make it through one night without Evan calling out that he hears us or listening to his sarcastic remarks the next morning. "Get dressed and I'll show you the apartment."

  She looks at me in shock then places both her hands on my face, her soft skin making a scratching sound as it scrapes over my five-o-clock shadow.

  "It's already ours?" she asks in disbelief and I crack up at the tone of her voice.

  "Of course it is ours. How do you think we have keys already?"

  She jumps off me, bouncing into the air like a cheerleader cheering at a winning game. I stand up, placing my hands lightly on her hips so I don’t go and get excited all over again.