Hate to Love You

by Isabelle Richards

  “I think he’s hoping that the song is right, that hearts can be cured by the sea. If it makes him smile, I’ll buy a damn karaoke machine and he can sing it all day.”

  He puts his arms behind him and leans back. “What would it take to put a smile on your face? Not the PR smile, the real smile.”

  I push off the fridge. “I think it’s time for bed. See you in the morning. I’ll be pro-pancakes—prepare for battle.”

  He touches my arm. “Wait. Please?” He nods toward the door to the beach. “I think there’s one of those gigantic full moons. Want to go for a walk?”

  That’s a terrible idea. But here in the land of make believe, terrible ideas seem harmless, so I walk outside without a word. Tonight there’s a supermoon, when a full moon and new moon occur on the same night. It’s enormous and takes up the whole sky. It’s so bright, it masks the stars.

  When we reach the end of the deck, he asks which way we should go. I take the lead and go left.

  “So you ready for the playoffs?” I ask.

  He stops and sighs. “Can we talk about anything other than football? Since we’re being the anti-us, can we just talk?”

  I don’t know what to say to that, so I just keep walking. He jogs to catch up with me, then steps in front of me, blocking my path. Putting one hand on each shoulder, he asks, “How are you doing? Don’t give me any shit canned answer. Tomorrow we can go back to only talking about football, but tonight, let’s just forget all of our crap. Can you just be real with me?”

  Another terrible idea. I look at him and offer a shy smile. “I’d like that.”

  He looks me in the eyes. “So how are you?”

  The gentle waves of the low tide lap over my feet, providing a soothing soundtrack while I collect my thoughts. I’ve been asked a million times by the doctors and Pat and everyone else how I’m doing. I always say, “I’m fine, it’s Daddy I’m worried about.” I know in my heart that I’m not fine, but I forbid myself from acknowledging it.

  “I know you’re trying to be strong for him, I get that,” he says. “But you need to let someone be strong for you. I want to be that person. All you have to do is let me in.”

  As if he used the magic word, all the emotions I’ve kept tucked away come bubbling to the surface. “I feel like he’s slipping through my fingers. Every day I lose a little bit more of him, and I’m afraid one day I’m going to wake up and he’ll be gone.” The feelings are too intense to stand still so I pull away and start walking. He wraps his arm around me. It feels so safe and familiar, I can’t help but lean into him. “I can’t imagine a world without him in it. How does that even work?”

  “I’ve been asking myself the same thing,” he says softly.

  “I try to focus on all of the things that need to be attended to so I can avoid thinking about the reality of it. But when I do that, I feel like I’m giving up time with him so I can nag him about his diet and sleep and whatever. But when I think about the fact that this may be our last time here, I…” The tears come, and I can’t stop them. He tries to pull me into him, but I resist. I need to keep walking, otherwise I won’t get through this. I wipe the tears away and try to steady my breathing. “Then I feel like a selfish twat because I’m petrified of what will happen when he’s gone. I’ll be completely alone. It scares the shit out of me.”

  He steps in front of me and stops. He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “You will never be alone. You’re family. No matter what happens, we will be with you every step of the way. We’re going to enjoy every day that he has together, and when he’s gone, we’ll mourn together. We will keep his memory alive together. You’ll never be alone. I will be by your side.”

  But he won’t, not in the way that I need. Even if he and Jenna have broken up, we’re not together. Having him as a friend isn’t enough. I need him to hold me all night when I cry, and I need him to pick me up when I want to collapse. If I didn’t know what it’s like to be on the other side, maybe friendship would be enough. But I do, and it’s not. I try to pull away from him, but he stands firm.

  He puts his hand on my cheek. “Please don’t shut me out.”

  I’m not strong enough. “I can’t do this.”

  He pulls his hands away, and I step back. I take two steps toward the house before he spins me around and kisses me. Completely shocked, it takes me a moment to process what’s happening. When my brain catches up with the moment, I know I should push him away, but my body has other ideas. It must be like muscle memory. All my body needs is a little reminder and it falls right back into old routines. Being wrapped up in his arms, feeling his lips on mine… it’s as though the universe falls back into sync. Like a fallen angel that’s been granted clemency and has returned to heaven. This is where I belong. I was a fool to ever leave.

  Pulling away, he looks deep into my eyes. He runs the pad of his thumb along my cheekbone. “I can’t keep doing this,” he says. “I’ve done everything I can to get over you, but nothing works because I love you so much that it’s toxic for me to be away from you. You’re my poison and antidote all wrapped up in one, and I just can’t live without you. Please, let’s end this war between us. Let me be there for you, because I know I won’t get through this if you aren’t there for me.”

  “What does that mean? Be together tonight? Just while we’re here?”

  He looks at me with big, pleading eyes. “Forever. Can I have you back for forever?”

  I’m speechless. My mind races with all the reasons that’s a bad idea. All the years of hurt and pain. All the times he let me down. As desperately as I want him, I can’t let one moonlit kiss erase it all.

  He kisses me again, wiping my mind clean. It seems it takes two moonlit kisses.

  “Stop thinking of all the reasons this won’t work, and remember the reasons it will. We’ve both been through excruciating pain, but it pales in comparison to how good we are together. I know I’ve made mistakes—we’ve both fucked things up royally. But that won’t happen again because I’ll do everything in my power to make us work this time.”

  He makes it sound so easy. Just give in and everything will be A-OK.

  I throw up my hands in frustration. “Do you know what you’re asking? Daddy is dying, and it’s destroying me. If I let you back in and you break my heart again, I won’t recover. I can’t lose you both. At least this way, we’ll have this. Whatever this is.”

  He points back and forth between us. “This is crap, and you know it,” he shouts.

  “But it’s safe,” I shout louder. The wind has picked up, and goose bumps spread across my skin as my hair whirls around.

  He brushes a lock of hair out of my eyes. “I’ll keep you safe. Once I have you back, I’m never letting you go. Please, just trust me one more time.”

  When I look in his eyes, I want to believe him. I see nothing but pure intentions and love. I have to look away because I saw that look every time I’ve trusted him in the past, and I was burned every damn time. I sit and watch the tide roll out while I try to clear my head. As if that’s possible. I haven’t had a clear head since we slept together all those years ago. He’s invaded me, mind, body, and soul. I’ve tried to scrub him from my existence, but it’s been futile. He’s imbedded in me.

  The waves lap over my feet as I dig my toes into the sand. The sound of the ocean hypnotizes me, preventing me from being consumed by the memories, fear, and doubt. I actually can’t think of anything. It’s as if my mind has reached maximum stress capacity and shut down.

  He sits next to me but doesn’t say anything. He drapes his arm across my shoulders and stares out at the sea.

  Once I feel his arm around me, I have my answer. “One more time.”

  Chapter Forty

  Chase

  What do you do when the woman of your dreams agrees to come back to you? Scream it from the rooftops? Post it on Facebook and Twitter? Nope. That’s was normal people get to do. Ari and I have to wait. Again.

  App
arently on December 29th, her PR team released a statement that she and Henrik had amicably broken up. If we were to come out publicly, it would be a scandal, which is the last thing either of us needs. Especially since I haven’t publicly announced my breakup with Jenna. I’ll look like a cheating home wrecker, and she’ll look like a tramp. So I agree to wait until spring to make any sort of public appearance, but I refuse to keep it from our families again. After spending the night on the beach “reconnecting,” I insist we come clean first thing in the morning.

  Once we notice our families moving around in the kitchen, we walk back. When we enter the kitchen, Pop’s slicing fruit at the island while Mom’s making batter of some sort.

  “You two are up early,” Mom says. “Early morning run?”

  “Not exactly,” Ari replies as she sits at the table. She points at Mom’s mixing bowl. “Pancakes or waffles?”

  “Pancakes.”

  “Score,” Ari says with a smile.

  I lend my mother a hand by pulling out plates and silverware for everyone. “Anyone else up yet?” If I can, I’d like to tell everyone at the same time, although I’m debating talking to Aiden separately. I thought he was telling me to be with Ari, but now that it’s happened, he may want to threaten my manhood.

  “I’m up,” Aiden says as he shuffles in. “Not happy about it, but I’m up. The lovebirds need a lecture about thin walls.”

  Pop and I groan.

  “Please stop,” I say. “I thought there was a kibosh on all things pregnancy related? That includes all pregnancy-inducing activities.”

  Ari takes the orange juice out of the fridge. She pours a glass for Aiden. “Drink. You need the potassium.”

  He salutes her. “I see Nurse Paininmyass has reported for duty.”

  She sticks her tongue out at him and pours a juice for herself. By the time the pancakes are done, Charlie and Spencer make their appearance. Ari and I exchange glances, telepathically trying to figure out if we should do it now. I’ve never been good at reading the mind of a woman, and this time is no different. I motion to her to meet me in the hallway, but she shakes her head. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Why the hell didn’t we work out a plan before we walked in here?

  Everyone’s seated at the table. Ari’s at one end, and I’m at the other. She keeps staring at me between bites of pancakes, so I guess she’s expecting me to take the lead.

  I clear my throat. “So I have something I need to talk to you about.” Ari’s glass slips through her fingers. Luckily, nothing spills but she stares at me as though I’ve just told my parents how many times we’ve done it in their pool. I guess that look wasn’t that I was supposed to take the lead. She should know by now I do not speak stare. The chatter stops, and everyone stares at me. Whether she likes it or not, I’m telling everyone now.

  I tap my fingers on the table. “I’m not even really sure where to begin, so I guess I’ll just say it. Arianna and I are together. Like together together.”

  My father drops his fork mid-bite, his gaze going back and forth between Ari and me. Charlie sits back in her chair and grins.

  Spencer pulls out his phone. “Today is January 4th? The big money goes to Charlie. Way to go, babe.”

  Pop bangs his hand on the table. “I call shenanigans. If you meddled, Charlotte, the money does not go to you.”

  What the hell?

  Charlie holds up her hands in defense. “This is as much a surprise to me as it is to the rest of you.”

  Pop pushes his plate away. “Well, I had Valentine’s Day. I demand a review. I wouldn’t be surprised if my darling daughter had undue influence.”

  Spencer laughs. “You can’t throw a challenge flag, Pop. Charlie wins.”

  “Did you really place bets on when we were going to get together?” Ari asks.

  “This shouldn’t be a surprise, Snickerdoodle. We bet on everything,” Aiden says with a smirk. “I had Christmas, hence why I gave you the hardcore press in Denver.”

  “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.” I shake my head. “Tell me you did not fake a heart attack to win a bet.”

  “If I had thought of it, I would have,” Aiden replies. “The heart attack was real, but I did milk it for all it was worth. The pot is huge.”

  Needing a second to process this, I stand up. “How long have you all known?”

  “Charlie,” Ari growls, “did you blab?”

  She pushes back from the table. “You disappeared after my wedding! We were minutes from calling the cops. I found you in a biker bar in the middle of nowhere. I’m not a skilled enough liar to cover that up. I told Mom, and I’m guessing she told Pop.”

  I snap my head toward Ari. “Hold up! You were in a biker bar?”

  “Another story for another time,” she replies. “Daddy, you knew?”

  Aiden smiles. “I was blissfully unaware of the details, but I knew it would happen eventually. I could always tell by the way he looks at you. Plus, your mother was never wrong.” He glares at me. If looks could kill, I’d be dead where I stand. “Had I been aware at the time, our time together may have been very different, son. There would have been earlier curfews and the whole team would have run the stadium five times a week instead of three.”

  Charlie stands to get some more fruit. As she walks past Aiden, she pats his shoulder. “Go with blissfully unaware. I sure wish I was.”

  “Thanks, sis.” So much for twin unity.

  Mom walks to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of champagne. “I think we need mimosas. This certainly is cause to celebrate.”

  “Let’s slow down a little,” Ari says. “The reason we didn’t tell you the first time is we didn’t want everyone to get too wrapped up in it. So let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”

  I look at Ari and see the stress in her eyes. She’s gripping the arms of her chair as if her life depends on it.

  I walk over and rub her back. “Don’t let them get to you, okay?”

  Charlie snatches the bottle from my mother and pops the cork. “Relax.” She pours some into everyone’s juice. “There’s no pressure. From tomorrow on, we’re all staying out of it. But today, we get to gloat that we were right and discuss weddings and your future children. We all know that you two are meant to be. It’s about time you got with the program.”

  “I’ve already told her to plan for a dozen kids,” I chime in.

  Ari elbows me in the gut. “Bite your tongue!”

  Aiden picks up his glass. “Now that’s a reason to celebrate!”

  Ari grabs Aiden’s mid-sip. “No booze for you, old man.”

  “You sure know how to ruin a party,” he says. “On that note, I’m ready to go out on the boat.”

  For the four years we were together, we were constantly worried about how “we” could fit into our crazy, overbearing family. Our parents would treat whoever we brought home with respect, but as we saw with Jenna, being embraced in the inner sanctum isn’t easy.

  We spend the day on the boat, fishing and snorkeling and teasing the hell out of each other. Our family dynamic hasn’t changed at all, with the minor exception of Aid watching me like a hawk. I’m a perfect gentleman, but I have a hand on Ari at all times. I’ve waited this long to be close to her, and I can’t restrain myself. While the electric charge of sneaking around is missing, being with her feels as though all the parts of my life are finally coming together. Pure synergy.

  The family agrees we need to keep this under wraps for a while though. It should be easy enough to do with how busy our travel schedules are for the next few weeks. We’ll both be busy with the playoffs, then she’s off to the Australian Open. I want to take her to the Pro-Bowl game in Hawaii, but we’d end up making headlines for sure.

  The hardest part will be tomorrow. We’re all flying to Phoenix for the BCS National Championship game. Pop has organized a reunion of all the players who played under Aiden at Stanford. No one knows that he’s sick—they just think they’re coming for a party. I’m not sure how I’
m going to look those guys in the eye without telling them the truth. Keeping Ari and I on the DL will be nothing in comparison to that secret.

  I’m worried about how hard it’ll be on Ari. She’ll get through it without batting an eye, but deep down, it’ll eat away at her. At least she can come back to my room afterward, and hopefully I can convince her to let her guard down. She needs to know she doesn’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to fall apart.

  Keeping us a secret will be easy for her. She was always better at keeping her distance than I am. Every guy there would do anything to get in her pants, and it takes all I have not to hover and stake my claim. Typically in that kind of situation, I end up drinking too much and acting like a total asshole to mask the fact that I want to pummel every guy who looks at her. Then she and I get into a fight, and it all goes downhill from there. I’m not sure how I’ll handle the party, but hopefully I’ve evolved enough to keep my shit together. I’d rather not breakup less than forty-eight hours after we got back together.

  After a long day on the boat, Aiden goes straight to bed. We tried to get him to take it easy, but he’s one stubborn bastard. I can tell Pop wants to say something to Ari, but he lets her be. Mom does her mom thing, comfort a la food. Mom’s fish tacos made from the fish we caught today is like heaven on a plate. Between too much sun and the food coma, Ari falls asleep on the sofa while I play gin with Pop.

  “You should put her to bed,” Pop says, nodding at Ari. “My poor girl’s going to need her rest to get through the next few days.” I stand, and he grabs my arm. “She’s not super human, you know. You’re going to have to man up and be there for her, even when she pushes you away.”

  I nod. “I know, Pop. As you now know, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this.”

  He rearranges his hand. “No, but you certainly mucked it up the last time. It’s time to grow up. Stop being a selfish prick.”