Free to Love

by Lillianna Blake

  “I’ll talk to him. Thanks.” I shifted the car into drive.

  He took the hint, nodded, then headed back into the school.

  As I drove off guilt wormed its way through me. Was I not doing enough? Did Brady need to talk to a counselor?

  My worries about him plagued me through the entire morning. By the time lunch rolled around, I’d already convinced myself that I was a terrible mother and I was to blame for every problem my children might ever have.

  When a video call flashed across my screen, I realized that I hadn’t thought about Wes or Justin all day. I had enough to think about.

  I answered the call with a fake smile and no idea how to interact with Wes.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I kept my smile on my lips.

  “Don’t start lying to me now, Noella. I can tell when you’re upset.” He leaned closer to the camera and I caught sight of those beautiful eyes.

  “Alright, fine. Brady is in trouble again.” I sighed. “I feel like it never ends with him.”

  “Aw, he couldn’t have done anything too bad. Brady has a good heart.”

  “It wasn’t too bad. Ridiculous, but not too bad.” I filled him in on the prank.

  “Actually, that’s pretty amazing.” He chuckled.

  “No! Wes, you don’t understand.” I frowned.

  “Sure I do. I’ve been Brady. I know what it’s like to have the impulse to do things that I shouldn’t. When I was in school I spent more time in the principal’s office than I did in class.” He shrugged. “I turned out okay—and so will he.”

  “But don’t you see? It’s my fault. It’s because of the divorce, it’s because I don’t give him enough attention.”

  “No, it’s because he’s a nine-year-old boy.” He smiled. “It sounds like normal behavior to me. Sure, he needs to tone it down a bit, but he’s not hurting anyone.”

  “He terrified his science teacher.”

  “What kind of science teacher is afraid of spiders? I think you might want to rethink your school choices.”

  “And what if he does something to hurt someone?” I shuddered at the thought. I knew Brady had a good heart. But what if the principal was right and he graduated to hurting other people? “It will be my fault, because I didn’t do enough to guide him in the right direction.”

  “Noella, you have to have faith in your son. If you don’t, who will?”

  “It’s just not that simple.”

  “Fine, but you have my support—whatever you need.”

  “Thanks.” I hesitated, then took a deep breath. “I agreed to go to dinner with Justin tonight.”

  “Oh.” He looked away from the screen for a few seconds, then looked back. “That’s a good idea.”

  “It is?”

  “Sure. I can’t say that I hope it goes well, though.”

  “I understand.” I smiled, relieved that he wasn’t upset or jealous.

  “I won’t text or call, but if you need me, I’m here.” He disconnected the call.

  Part of me suspected that he wasn’t as okay with the date as he portrayed, but I was glad that I’d told him. I wanted things to be clear between us, no matter what happened.

  Chapter 24

  That evening, after the boys were picked up for their visit with their friend, I spent a little extra time getting ready for my date with Justin. I wanted to make sure that I looked as nice as possible. That meant wearing a pretty dress from the back of my closet and twisting my hair up instead of wearing it down. I even splashed on a little make-up from a stash I rarely used.

  Maybe I just hadn’t made enough of an effort with Justin before. Maybe that was why there had been very little chemistry between us.

  I left a few minutes late, and just before I entered the restaurant, I checked my phone. I couldn’t deny a little hope that maybe Wes had sent me a text. Maybe he’d demand that I skip the date or at least show me that he was a little jealous. But Wes hadn’t sent me a text since lunch. I had to wonder if he wasn’t a little relieved that I’d decided to go out with Justin. Maybe he’d said things in the heat of the moment that he had begun to regret.

  I did my best to push thoughts of him out of my mind as I stepped into the restaurant. As I expected, Justin was already at the table. He was the type of man that would always be punctual.

  I felt a little guilty as I approached him.

  “Noella.” He smiled as he stood up from his chair. “You look breathtaking.” He caught my hand, drew it to his lips for a light kiss, then released it.

  “Thanks, Justin, sorry I’m late.” I settled into the chair across from him.

  Although I could recognize his charm and the respect he showed me, I didn’t feel anything deeper.

  “I understand. It can be difficult to get anywhere on time when you’re so busy.” He nodded to the waitress, who walked over with two glasses of wine. “I hope you don’t mind, I ordered for us.”

  “Not at all.” I smiled. “It’s good to see you.”

  “You too. How was your weekend?”

  “It was wonderful, thank you.” I took a big swallow of my wine. “And yours?”

  “Uneventful—a soccer game and we watched a movie, nothing unusual.”

  “It’s wonderful that you spend so much time with your son.”

  “It’s important to invest that time when they’re young. It can pay off in the future.” He paused, then met my eyes. “Sometimes you have to sacrifice in order to make sure that your child grows up strong and secure.”

  “Yes, I agree with that.” I sighed. “Brady’s having a tough time right now.”

  “Oh?”

  I shared my conversation with the principal. I genuinely hoped that Justin would have some good advice for me, since clearly he was a great father. As I finished, his expression shifted from compassionate to sharp.

  “Wait a minute, you said the boys were at a friend’s house tonight—that that’s how you were able to meet me for dinner.”

  “Yes, I did.” I took a sip of my wine.

  “So, Brady got in trouble at school on Friday, but instead of punishing him, you let him go to his friend’s house?” He shook his head. “I think I can see what the problem is.”

  “Excuse me?” I set my glass down and stared across the table at him.

  “Clearly you’re not good at setting boundaries.”

  “I wouldn’t say that.”

  “Don’t get defensive.” He held one hand up. “I get it. Here’s the thing, mothers tend to be more wishy-washy. Boys need a strong male role model in their lives, otherwise they go off track.”

  “That’s an interesting point of view.” I did my best to keep my tone calm. I had learned that I did get a little defensive over my parenting.

  As difficult as it was, I tried to keep an open mind as he continued.

  “It’s not a point of view, it’s the truth. You’re letting Brady walk all over you, and I’m betting Tyler is about the same. Maybe if their dad was more involved—”

  “Alright, I have to stop you right there.” I took a deep breath. “My boys both have very good hearts. Yes, Brady did something foolish, but it wasn’t malicious. He may be acting out a little bit, but I think that’s to be expected. I’d much rather see him spend some time with his friends then sit in his room and sulk.”

  “You’re not being realistic. Everyone thinks their kids are great, but that doesn’t mean you can be a lazy parent.”

  “Wow, you think I’m a lazy parent?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “I think that I would do things a lot differently than you.” He sat back in his chair. “You can decide what that means to you.”

  “I think it means that you’re overstepping big time. You haven’t even met my sons.”

  “Don’t forget I have one of my own.” He smiled. “I’m not getting calls from his principal. I must be doing something right.”

  “I’m sure you are.” I stood up from the table. “Good night, Justin.
”

  “Noella, don’t be rash. We can have a real conversation about this. Sit down.” He gestured to the chair.

  “No thanks, I’m not interested.”

  As I stalked out of the restaurant, mortified and enraged, I could barely put two thoughts together. But I was certain of one thing. I never wanted to see Justin again.

  When I arrived home, I still had about an hour before the boys would be dropped off. I felt lucky that I did, because I needed to find a way to calm down before they arrived.

  I tore off the pretty dress that I’d worn and unpinned my hair from the ridiculous style I’d twisted it into. All of that work to be humiliated.

  As I gazed hard into the mirror I couldn’t help but wonder, was he right? I was all too eager to blame myself for all of Brady’s problems, but when Justin was the one accusing me of being a terrible parent, it made it so much worse.

  I scrubbed the make-up off my face, threw on some pajamas, and flopped down on the sofa.

  Chapter 25

  Several minutes slid by with me simply staring at the blank television screen. I wanted to be strong enough to overcome the hurt feelings that spread through me, but Justin had hit my weakest point.

  Was I not enough for my sons? Did they need a stronger male figure in their lives? One that wouldn’t be conned into sending his son hissing spiders?

  I took a swig of my wine, closed my eyes, and tried to picture what it would be like to have Justin in my life. He would rule with an iron fist. There wouldn’t be piles of laundry on the bathroom floor or any issues with finding shoes in the morning. Everything would be orderly, and if it wasn’t, he would make sure that it was, no matter what it took.

  My stomach twisted at the thought. Maybe some people enjoyed living that way, but that was not my idea of a happy home. I didn’t mind some mess or some arguing, even if it stressed me out in the moment. The most important thing to me was that my sons were happy, not that they were obedient. But maybe that was wrong.

  As I lounged on the sofa, I thought about what Wes had said earlier when I’d spoken to him about the incident with Brady. He’d talked about what a good heart Brady had and that it wasn’t that big a deal. I’d told him that he didn’t understand. But it seemed to me now that he understood far better than Justin.

  I picked up my phone to text him and received a lengthy text from Justin.

  It was very immature of you to walk out like that. I understand if you have a different parenting style, but clearly it’s not working. If you come to your senses and want to go out again, feel free to contact me. But do know that if things go further, I would not allow my son to be influenced by any bad behavior that your sons might show.

  I rolled my eyes and deleted the text. The last thing I wanted was to ever see Justin again. If that was the type of man that I was supposed to be with, then I’d rather be alone.

  But I didn’t have to be.

  I ran my thumb over Wes’s name on the screen of my phone. I had every intention of texting him, not calling him, but I applied enough pressure with that caress to cause a video call to initiate. I scrambled to hang up, but it was too late. Wes had already answered. He looked up at me from my phone, his expression tight.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yes.” I smiled at the sight of him and for once I didn’t care what I looked like to him.

  “It’s a little early to be done with your date, isn’t it?” A smile eased across his lips.

  “It didn’t go well.”

  “Why not?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m not seeing him again.”

  “Did he hurt you?” His voice rose slightly.

  “No, nothing like that. He’s just not the right person for me.”

  “I could have told you that.” He chuckled as he studied me.

  “Oh?”

  “How could he be the right person, when I was sitting at home alone trying not to go crazy at the thought of you having dinner with someone else?”

  “You were not.” I laughed.

  “I was.” His expression grew serious. “It might not be the modern way to handle this, but honestly, Noella, the thought of you being with someone else—well, it’s torture.”

  My breath caught in my throat as I realized that I would feel the same way. What if Wes had been out that night with another woman instead of sitting at home alone? What if he’d decided that if I was going to date, he was going to date too? The thought caused my cheeks to grow warm.

  “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. I would rather feel insanely jealous, and know that I have this amazing connection with you, than feel nothing at all. But are you really okay?”

  “I don’t know. Justin made a good point about my parenting. He thinks I’m a lazy parent. I guess I just wonder if maybe he’s right.”

  “He’s not.” His eyes narrowed. “You love your sons and you would do absolutely anything for them. How could that be lazy?”

  “He said I’m too easy on Brady.” I frowned. “Maybe I am.”

  “Brady needs love. I mean, if you want my opinion.” He cleared his throat.

  “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I think you understand more than most would. I agree. I think he needs love—as much of it as I can give him, but...” I hesitated.

  “But what?”

  “What if I’m not enough? What if he needs a male figure that’s more active in his life? Someone that will be stronger with him?”

  “Oh, Noella.” He laughed.

  “Why are you laughing at me?” I gasped, stunned by his reaction.

  “Sweetheart, there is no one on this earth that is stronger than you. That’s my opinion and nothing can change it. Tyler and Brady have absolutely everything they need in you. Never once have I thought otherwise. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re a wonderful mother. Anyone you bring into their lives will just be icing on the cake. But what they need is what you give them—your love, your wisdom, your patience, and your strength.”

  “Wow.” I sighed as I sank down a little further into the sofa.

  “Wow what?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “You made me feel so much better.”

  “It’s you I worry about, Noella, not them.” He studied me. “I wonder, what is it that you need and how can I give that to you?”

  That question lingered with me as I went through the evening routine with the boys and settled into bed that night.

  Chapter 26

  As I sat in the school drop-off line the next morning, it struck me that I had no idea what to do next. Justin was out—there was no question in my mind about that.

  But was Wes in? Could I really maintain a long-distance relationship?

  So he was amazing. That didn’t mean that things would work between us when there was so much working against us. I knew if I let myself fall any deeper into romance with him, I wouldn’t come out unscathed.

  If I was honest with myself I was already in too deep. When I’d said goodnight to him the night before, it left an ache in the pit of my stomach—a sense of deep loneliness that went further than it had before I met him. Now I knew there was this fantastic person out there who claimed to adore me and I couldn’t touch or hold him. That made things so much harder.

  “Bye, Mom.” Brady climbed out of the car, then stopped and turned back to hug me. I held him as close as I could with his bulky backpack on.

  “I love you, Brady.”

  “I know.” He smiled. “I love you too.”

  “No spiders?” I looked into his eyes.

  “No spiders. And look.” He pulled a homemade card out of his backpack. “I made this to say sorry to my science teacher. I felt bad when he tripped over the chair. I know that was my fault. I didn’t think anyone would get hurt.”

  “That was a very good idea, Brady. Another good way you can show him and the rest of your teachers that you’re sorry is to be extra nice to them—and no more pranks.”


  “I’ll try, Mom, I promise.”

  I smiled as he and Tyler ran toward the school together. I noticed how Brady stuck with his little brother until they were inside the school. Yes, my son had a very good heart. I was glad that I hadn’t come down as hard as Justin thought I should have. I was proud that his idea to apologize had come from his own mind and his own heart, instead of my forcing it out of him. Whether it was right or wrong didn’t really matter to me. All that mattered was that it was right for me—and for him.

  Before I pulled away from the curb I sent out a text to my friends requesting an emergency meeting of all warrior princesses—the name we’d given ourselves courtesy of our good friend and incredible author, Samantha Bradford. If anyone could point me in the right direction, I knew it would be them. I could take a long lunch, as my day was light on work, and hopefully my friends would be available as well. I knew most had flexible schedules, but I couldn’t expect them to drop everything.

  By the time I reached work, I’d received texts back from all of them stating that they’d be there. My heart filled at the thought of them gathering around me at our favorite meet-up spot, Common Grounds.

  Ever since we’d come together for Hanna’s wedding—as her bride tribe—to plan her wedding, we had been supporting one another in one way or another throughout every event in our lives.

  There was a lot coming up, with Blu’s wedding and Hanna’s pregnancy. I felt a little guilty for asking them to focus on me. But I needed to figure out what to do about Wes. I needed to decide if I was in or out, and I needed to make that decision as soon as possible.

  The morning flew by and when I left for lunch I let my supervisor know that I’d be taking a long one and would make up for it later in the week. He encouraged me to go, as there was little to do.

  On the drive to the cafe, Wes called me on video chat. I didn’t answer. I needed a clear head when I spoke with my friends and the last thing I had when I looked into Wes’s eyes was a clear head.