Free to Love

by Lillianna Blake

  When I arrived at the cafe everyone else was already gathered around our usual table. Even Samantha and Blu were there via video. We chatted for some time, updating one another on recent events, and then the focus zeroed in on me.

  “Wes.” Zoe smiled. “That’s his name, right?”

  “Yes.” I blushed.

  “The kiss?” Dawn leaned close.

  “Was amazing.” I glanced around the table. “Unless there’s a word that is more than amazing. If so, then it was that. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

  “Ouch.” Zoe nodded. “That’s a pickle.”

  “Hanna?” I met her eyes. “What do you think?”

  “What about Justin?” She raised an eyebrow. “He’s local, he’s a father—I thought you were going to give him a shot?”

  “I did.” I relayed the disaster of a date and how Wes had helped me to get through the aftermath.

  “Mm-hm, he knows you very well.” Samantha looked at me from the tablet perched on the table. “He seems to know Brady pretty well too.”

  “I have talked to him about both boys a lot.” I nodded.

  “I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” Blu laughed. “Don’t forget, you have a plus one on your invite to my wedding.”

  “Oh, Blu, I don’t think that we’re ready for that—”

  “What are you ready for, then?” Zoe met my eyes. “What will you allow yourself to experience?”

  “What do you mean?” I frowned.

  “I’m sorry, Noella, but take it from me, the first thing you will learn about being in love is that you no longer get to be in control.”

  “I don’t know if I’m in love. I mean…” My voice trailed off.

  My friends all stared at me. I blushed. “Okay, maybe.” I whispered.

  “It’s okay, sis.” Hanna wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me close for a hug. “We’ve all been through it; it’s your turn.”

  “Thanks.” I laughed.

  As I looked around the table I realized that she was right. All my friends had recently fallen in love and found incredible happiness. I had several examples of just how wonderful letting go and believing in love could be. So why was I holding myself back?

  “It’s just that he lives so far away. And it’s hard for me to believe that a man so young would be interested in loving an entire family.”

  “You don’t get to decide who he is.” Samantha spoke up. “Age doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define me, and it doesn’t define Wes. You have to be willing to let him show you who he is, instead of you deciding who he is.”

  “Good point.” Dawn nodded.

  “Falling in love is always a risk, Noella.” Zoe curled her hand around mine. “But it’s time you face facts. It’s a risk you’ve already taken.”

  Chapter 27

  After the conversation with my friends I felt even more determined to figure out what to do next. They all encouraged me to follow my heart, but did I really even know what I wanted?

  Sure, the thought of being with Wes made me dizzy with pleasure, but that didn’t mean it could work. I certainly couldn’t move. My boys had a life here, and I couldn’t wait to be a part of Hanna’s baby’s life. I wanted to be there for my sister through every moment that I could. I loved my new job and had no interest in changing it.

  So that meant that either I would have to deal with a long-distance relationship, which seemed impossible, or Wes would have to consider moving here. Could I really ask him to do something like that if I wasn’t sure if things would work out? What if he moved and then we realized we were too different to make it?

  The thought made my mind swirl. There was just so much to be anxious about. It all seemed like a bad idea. If only I could turn off my feelings for Wes, maybe things could go back to normal. But as I finished my day at work I realized that the last thing I wanted was for things to go back to normal.

  I could never be normal again. I could never forget how it made me feel to have Wes’s arms wrapped around me or the delicious sensation of his lips pressed against mine. Just the thought of it caused me to be so distracted that I spilled half of my cup of coffee on myself.

  As I mopped up the puddle on my shirt, I tried to think of what it would be like to see Wes every day. What if I was going home to him? What if I woke up next to him? My head buzzed with anticipation over the possibility.

  It was what I wanted, there was no question in my mind, but was it right?

  That night after I put the boys to bed, I paced back and forth through my bedroom. Wes had texted me throughout the day and I hadn’t texted him back. I knew he must be getting worried, or even frustrated, but I didn’t feel right about answering him until I had my head straight. The worst part of the whole situation was that it was usually Wes I turned to when I needed to figure things out. I couldn’t exactly do that now, could I?

  Then it struck me that maybe that was exactly what I should do. Who better to try to get to the bottom of things with than Wes?

  I sat down on the edge of my bed and initiated a video call with him. It was late and I knew that he might not answer. I bit into my bottom lip as I waited to see if it would connect. A second later, Wes’s face was on the screen.

  “There you are. I was wondering if I should send out a search party.” He smiled, but I could see the worry in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry about being quiet today. I had a lot to think about.”

  “Oh?” His eyes narrowed some. “What’s on your mind?”

  “I think you know.” I laughed.

  “The same thing that’s been on my mind all day long? That will be on my mind all night long?” He looked into my eyes. “Yes, I do know.”

  “So what are we going to do about this, Wes?”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I have no idea.” I frowned. “I know how I feel.”

  “Tell me.” He leaned a little closer to the screen.

  “Wes.” I felt myself blush.

  “Please, because I don’t know how you feel, Noella. I know how I feel. I know I don’t want to spend another second without you. But I don’t know if you think I’m a good or bad idea. I don’t know if you believe you have room in your life for me.”

  “You could never be a bad idea.” I ached to be able to touch him, to reassure him, but the thought of truly confessing my feelings for him terrified me. I knew if I couldn’t be brave enough to do that, then there was no way I could make this work. “The truth is, I think I’m falling in love with you. I know it’s too soon to say that, but I feel like I need to tell you the truth. Because you need to know what you’d be getting into. I wish I didn’t feel as strongly as I do, but I can’t help it. I think about you all the time and—”

  “I love you too, Noella.” He smiled as he looked at me. “I didn’t know how or when to tell you. But I do. I can’t see myself with anyone else. You’re my future.”

  “Wes, but how can you know that?” My chest tightened. “What if we’re wrong?”

  “What if we’re right?” His voice softened. “I think the bigger risk is missing out on that, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “But how are we ever going to make this work? There’s no way I can visit you often, and I know that you can’t do all the traveling. I just feel like we’re not being very logical about this.”

  “I’ll move there.” He shrugged.

  “But you can’t give up your whole life—”

  “Noella, the only thing I’m not willing to give up is you. Let me see what I can do. I can probably work out a transfer. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

  We discussed it a little more, then we said goodnight.

  I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight, but just the thought of him being close thrilled me. Now I just had to find a way to be patient.

  Chapter 28

  I woke up the next day feeling a million pounds lighter. Just confessing to Wes how I felt made me feel so much happier. Maybe it was il
logical to fall in love so fast, but it was the truth. When he said that I was his future, I knew that I felt exactly the same way. But that still didn’t make things easy.

  We talked every day throughout the day and long into the nights. I revealed that it would take some time before I would feel comfortable introducing him to my sons and that I couldn’t promise that I would always be in a good mood or have time for him. I didn’t want him to move thinking that I could drop everything to be with him.

  He explained that he just wanted to be close to me, whenever he could, that the when and how would be totally up to me. He was willing to take things as slowly as I needed.

  It all seemed too good to be true.

  When I shared with my friends that he might be moving into town in the next few months or year, everyone was supportive, but I noticed that Hanna seemed a bit quiet.

  After about a week of her not telling me her true opinion, I took her aside and asked her point blank what she thought.

  “Honestly?” She looked into my eyes.

  “Yes, please, Hanna. I value your opinion so much.”

  “I worry that he’ll get here and you’ll change your mind.”

  “About being in love with him?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “No, about what you want.” She slipped her hand into mine. “I know what it’s like to be scared of love, Noella. I’ve been there, you know that. But in your case you have so much more to hide behind. I feel like when he gets here, it will be real to you, and that it might just scare you back into hiding. I’m sorry, I know that’s not fair of me to say, but that’s what I’m worried about.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” I frowned. “I hadn’t really thought about that, but you’re right. I can see myself shutting down if he really does move here. I mean, right now he’s far away and it’s fun to chat with him, to exchange mushy texts and to imagine what it would be like. But the reality would be pretty scary for me.” I sighed. “So what should I do? Tell him not to come?”

  “See, you’re already hiding!” She laughed, then hugged me. “No, Noella. What you should do is be brave enough to know that you deserve his love and all the happiness in the world. But the only person who can get you to that space is you.”

  Her advice rang true to me. It was easy to play house with Wes when I could just hang up the phone. But what about when we had our first fight? What if he needed more than I could offer? What if he pushed my boundaries beyond a point I could tolerate?

  That night when Wes called, I didn’t let myself slip into fantasyland. Instead, I tried to imagine him sitting right there, in front of me. I tried to think of what it would be like the first time I had him over for dinner, when I introduced him to my sons, when we had a difference of opinion.

  “Wes, I think we need to take a breath.”

  “What do you mean?” He smiled as he studied me.

  “I mean, maybe we’re moving too fast here. I think we need to slow down.”

  “Are you serious?” His face flushed as his tone became more strained. “Why? What happened?”

  “Nothing happened, I just think maybe I’m not being realistic about how much you moving here will change my life.”

  “I thought it would be a good change.” He frowned.

  “I’m sure it would be, but it would also be quite an adjustment. I just don’t know if you have any idea what you’re getting into here.”

  “I know you, Noella. I know I’m in love with you. That’s exactly what I want to get into.”

  “But what if things don’t go as smoothly as you expect?”

  “Is that what you think?” He grinned. “You think I expect everything to be perfect?”

  “Maybe.” I frowned.

  “I don’t.” He sighed. “I wish I was there to hold your hand, to show you just how much I love you. Noella, it wouldn’t matter if you made me walk over hot coals, I would do it—for you.”

  “You say that now but—”

  “Okay, fine.” His voice hardened. “Do you want to know what isn’t perfect about this already?”

  “What?” I braced myself.

  “The fact that you refuse to believe in me. The fact that no matter how much I promise you, you constantly doubt it. That even though I would give anything to be with you, you’re still not all in. I constantly wonder when you’re going to wise up and ditch me for someone you think fits your expectations better.”

  “Wes, I—”

  “No, just listen. You may think that I’m blind to all the pitfalls we face, but I’m not. From my point of view, the risk is huge, because I can’t even be sure what you’re thinking or feeling. You want to take a breath?” He shook his head. “I can barely breathe without you. You think we’re moving too fast? I feel like my life has come to a full stop and it won’t start again until I’m with you.” He looked at me, his eyes wild and his voice passionate. “I am absolutely one hundred percent in love with you and there is not a thing you could do that would change that. But I feel like I need to watch my every step, because you have one foot out the door and still I’m willing to risk that, happily, with gratitude for the opportunity.”

  “Wes, I had no idea I was making you feel that way.”

  “I get it, Noella, you have to be cautious, you have to protect your sons, and that only makes me love you more. I know you’re not just trying to protect me, but yourself as well, and I can’t imagine how much of a struggle that must be for you. I wouldn’t have you any other way. I know one day you’ll look into my eyes and I’ll see that you trust me, I’ll see that I’ve proven to you that I will be there for you for the rest of your life. Until then, I will do everything I can to get to that moment.”

  Chapter 29

  Stunned by his words, I let them sink in. Wes didn’t have blinders on, and that was a big relief to me. I was also grateful that he didn’t expect me to give him my utmost trust and loyalty until I was ready.

  “All I need from you, Noella, is a chance. So please don’t ask me to take a breath.” He gazed into my eyes. “Because it’s so incredibly hard to breathe without you.”

  Those words echoed through my heart over the next week. I clung to them as my own emotions cycled through ups and downs. I loved him so much and I felt as if I was ready to have him in my life.

  After our conversation, I wasn’t as afraid anymore. But the wait was going to be torture.

  By the weekend I was pricing tickets to go visit him. My boys had a rare overnight visit with their father, and as irresponsible of me as it was, I couldn’t wait another minute to see Wes.

  When I called him to see if he could pick me up from the airport, I was bubbling with excitement.

  “It will only be twenty-four hours, but I’m sure Nicole will let me stay with her and I just can’t wait to see you—”

  “Oh, Noella, that would be amazing. But I can’t this weekend.”

  “You can’t?” My heart dropped. What happened to his doing anything just to be near me? “Why not?”

  “I have other plans.” His tone was evasive.

  “What other plans?”

  “I’d rather not discuss it now.”

  “Wes? Is something wrong?”

  “No, nothing. I just can’t do it this weekend.”

  “But my ex only takes them every few months. This is our only chance. Can’t you rearrange something?”

  “I can’t, Noella. I’m really sorry, but I just can’t. Okay?”

  “No, it’s not okay.” Disappointment burned through me. “You won’t even tell me why.”

  “Just try to trust me a little, please?”

  I sighed. I wished there was a way I could force him to agree, but at least I hadn’t purchased the plane ticket yet.

  “Fine.” I hung up the phone before he could say another word. It was childish, I knew, but I didn’t care. I felt like I was just starting to truly believe in him and now he was acting secretive.

  About an hour later I sent him an apology text. I knew I’d overreact
ed and I knew he was entitled to his privacy. Still, it drove me crazy not knowing what his plans were. Had he changed his mind about moving?

  When he didn’t text back, I did my best to distract myself by getting the house cleaned and organized. It wasn’t often that I had the chance to tidy up without the boys around to make a mess right behind me.

  A few hours later I was elbow deep in laundry and had polished off half a bottle of wine. I refilled the glass every time I saw that Wes still had not texted me back.

  Was he angry? Was it over? The panic that raced through me was irrational, I knew, but I couldn’t stop it.

  When there was a knock at the door, I almost ignored it. Most people texted or called before they came over and I wasn’t in the mood for some random salesman.

  After the second set of knocks I sighed and headed to the door. Maybe it was Hanna dropping by or maybe it was one of the neighborhood kids looking to play with the boys.

  When I opened the door, I gasped. Wes stood before me. His lips curved into a grin as his eyes sparkled.

  “Wes?”

  “Yes.”

  He reached for me and an instant later we were lost in a kiss. As desire flooded through me, I didn’t have the urge to ask any questions. I just slid my arms around him and held him close.

  When he finally broke the kiss I was tempted to go in for another, but the questions finally surfaced.

  “What are you doing here?” I laughed as he kept my body pressed close to his.

  “That’s a surprise.” He brushed his lips against mine, then stole a slow sweet kiss before he pulled away again. “And by the way, I accept your apology.” He grinned.

  “You’re awful.” I groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

  “I wanted to make sure everything went smoothly first. But if you want me to go—” He started to turn away.

  “Don’t you dare!” I grabbed his hand and tugged him inside.

  We spent quite some time snuggled together on the sofa between piles of laundry, kissing and touching. It was the first time we truly had the chance to explore one another’s boundaries, and any time I drew back he respected it. When he looked into my eyes, however, I could see the desire there.