Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Mia looked out of the window. Clear blue sky: one of those precious days when you could feel the warmth of the sun wrapping around you, like a blanket. But in here, in this stuffy, overheated room that smelt of fear and grief, all she could feel was the last scraps of hope leaving her mind and body.

  The consultants were so sure. Brain dead was dead. Mia had spent hours googling coma and neurology and brain injury. She knew it was a bad idea to ask the internet, but it was impossible not to look for answers. She knew brain dead was final: she’d read it online in black-and-white. ‘Brain death is irreversible and is legally and medically recognized as death’; ‘A person who is brain dead may appear alive – there may be a heartbeat, they may look like they’re breathing, their skin may still be warm to the touch. But there is no life when brain activity ceases’; ‘A person is confirmed as being dead when their brain stem function is permanently lost.’

  Despite all of that, Mia had still clung to hope … until now. They had done the tests; they had confirmed Sarah’s condition. She was gone. Her beautiful sister was gone. Her only sibling, her best friend. Gone. Non-responsive, non-functioning, non-alive.

  Gone.

  18

  The ICU waiting room felt smaller than before. Adam’s fizzing energy filled it. The meeting had affected him badly. He was constantly pacing, talking, talking, talking, convincing himself of what he needed to believe. Johnny had headed off to do the school collections. Mia and Charlie sat quietly, watching Adam. There was no point in trying to discuss the situation with him because he was so wound up. Like the doctors, they had to wait until he had processed everything and calmed down.

  Mia’s phone buzzed and she answered it.

  ‘Hi, Mia. It’s Pam Neelan here. I’m with Dr Mayhew now and I’m going to review the case. I’ll get back to you when I’ve gone through it all.’

  Mia thanked her profusely and hung up. She filled in Adam and Charlie.

  ‘Fantastic,’ Adam said. ‘I’ve a good feeling about this. She’s worked in the USA, so she’s bound to be right up to the minute. This was a genius move on your part, Mia.’

  ‘Dr Neelan can only review the facts of the case,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Exactly,’ Adam said, his movements and speech hyper with anxiety. ‘The facts. That’s all I’m looking for. I’ll go and call Rob,’ he said. ‘I suppose it’ll take time for her to get back to us.’

  ‘Definitely,’ Mia said quickly. She could do with some time away from Adam, time to think straight. ‘You do that, Adam. You could do with a little break. Think over all they said earlier and have a chat with Rob about it.’

  Adam said nothing. He headed out of the room. When he was gone, Mia breathed deeply and leaned back in her chair.

  The door opened and Mia shot up straight again, but it was just Angela.

  ‘Adam popped out?’ she said.

  Mia nodded. ‘He needed a breath of air.’

  ‘Good,’ Angela said. ‘That was a very difficult meeting. Are you two OK? Can I get you anything?’

  ‘We’re fine, thanks,’ Mia said. ‘Could we spend some time with Sarah?’

  ‘Give me ten minutes,’ Angela said. ‘Some of the team are in there with her now. I’ll call you when they’re gone.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Mia said.

  Angela left, and Mia looked at her father. ‘What do you think, Dad?’

  ‘She’s gone,’ Charlie said. ‘I knew it already, Mia. No amount of opinions are going to bring her back.’ He sniffed. ‘My little pet, the light of my life. First your mother and now Sarah. It’s too much, too cruel.’

  ‘It’s not fair. Oh, God, Sarah!’ Mia began to cry, reached out to her father and pulled him into a hug. They weren’t usually huggers, but she needed him now and he needed her. They were the only two left of their little family unit. ‘I’m here for you, Dad. We’ll help each other. We’ll muddle through – and we have Izzy to look after and mind.’

  They clung to each other, crying, until Charlie’s phone rang. He pulled back and answered it. Really? He’s answering his phone now? Mia thought, feeling hurt.

  ‘Charlie, what’s going on?’ She heard Olivia’s irritating voice booming down the phone.

  ‘Not good,’ Charlie said, his voice breaking.

  ‘Oh, Charlie, I’m so sorry. I’m on my way. We’ll get through this. I’m here for you.’

  ‘Thanks, that means a lot.’ He hung up and looked at Mia. ‘Olivia’s on her way.’

  ‘Yeah, I heard.’ Mia knew it was silly, they were all grieving, but Olivia’s offer of support seemed a lot more important to her dad than hers and it stung.

  ‘I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s a great woman. She was very fond of Sarah. They got on well from the beginning. Sarah was always very welcoming and warm, Olivia said.’

  Unlike me, Mia thought bitterly.

  ‘Right, I’ll go down and wait for her outside. Get a bit of air myself. I’ll bring her up to see Sarah.’ His chin wobbled and Mia felt guilty for being annoyed. The man’s heart was broken: did it really matter who he turned to for comfort?

  ‘OK, Dad. I’ll be here, and don’t worry about Adam. He was just venting when he said he didn’t want Olivia here. He didn’t mean it.’

  ‘I hate every corner of this bloody hospital. I never want to darken its door again,’ Charlie said, as he shuffled off.

  Mia saw him out onto the corridor, and as he left, a group of nurses and doctors came out of Sarah’s room. Angela walked over to her. ‘You can go in and see her now, Mia. It’ll be nice and quiet for a while. We’ve finished washing her.’ Angela patted her shoulder. ‘It’s so tough on you all. She’s so young and beautiful. Go on in and talk to her. It’ll help you process all you heard at the meeting. I’ll try to keep everyone away from the room for a bit.’

  Mia thanked her. She entered and sat down. She reached over and held Sarah’s hand. It was warm. It was so difficult to believe she was really dead when she looked like she was just sleeping.

  ‘Oh, Sarah, what am I going to do without you? Who am I going to bitch to about Olivia? Who am I going to turn to when I need to give out about Riley and Johnny driving me nuts? Who am I going to boss around? Jesus, Sarah, I can’t do this without you.’ Mia held her sister’s hand to her cheek and sobbed.

  When the tears finally subsided, Mia felt about a hundred years old. Her life was falling apart, breaking up and dissolving. She reached into her bag for a pack of tissues, and her hand met the cool leather of Sarah’s diary. She took it out and let it fall open at a page. Then she started to read aloud. She needed to hear her sister’s words. They’d soothe her, help her …

  September 2017

  ‘Why God, why? Just got my period again. It’s now been five years and nothing. How can I have got pregnant so easily with Izzy? What’s wrong with me? The doctors keep telling me nothing is wrong. Adam’s sperm is strong, my eggs are normal. So why isn’t it happening?

  ‘I want a sibling for Izzy so badly. I want another baby. I love being a mum. It’s who I am. It’s what I do best. I’m not very good at anything else. Let’s face it, I’m never going to get a big important job and earn lots of money. I like being a mum. It fulfils me. I know some people think that’s sad and pathetic and all women should be smashing glass ceilings, but I really like being a stay-at-home mum.

  ‘I like baking with Izzy and snuggling up and watching Disney movies and going to the park. Mia thinks I should get a job. She says it’ll distract me from the baby thing. She says working helped her when she found out that they couldn’t have more kids. But I don’t want to get a job just to be busy. I want to pick Izzy up from school at 1 p.m. and cherish every moment with her.

  ‘Besides, I’m different from Mia, there’s nothing “wrong” with Adam or me. We can have more kids. We will have more kids. It’s just taking a long time. Mia thinks being alone in the house all morning is bad for me. She thinks I’ll get depressed. But I won’t. I’d get depressed if I went back to
a boring job just to distract myself.

  ‘Mia likes being a teacher. It gives her great satisfaction. She loves teaching the kids and seeing them thrive. Well, I love seeing my own kid thrive, with me, alone.

  ‘I’ve never liked big groups and noisy offices and all that chat and bitching about your boss and gossiping about other people. Even when I did work, I always kept out of those conversations. I was nice to everyone but kept my distance. I don’t like sitting around giving out about people. I don’t see the point of it. If you don’t like someone, just avoid them or figure out a way to manage them.

  ‘There was one mum in Izzy’s class who kept trying to force me into coming to coffee mornings and boot-camp with some of the other mums. But I didn’t want to, so I just kept saying no, in a nice way, and eventually she got the message. I won’t be forced into doing anything I don’t want to do. I’m no walkover. Mia always says I’m the politest stubborn person she knows. I like that expression – it makes me laugh.’

  Mia smiled. She did always say that about Sarah. She was so nice and polite that people often didn’t realize how steely she was underneath. If Sarah didn’t want to do something, nothing and nobody would make her change her mind.

  ‘It’s actually good that I’m free in the mornings because I can take Dad for coffee or a walk while Mum’s having her chemo. She hates when he fusses around her. She likes to be left alone to listen to her audio books. She’s so like Mia, she hates fuss too.

  ‘Mum can’t bear us trying to look after her. She’s the one who looks after us. She’s the one who minds us when we’re sick. She’s the one in charge of organizing everything. She really hates being the sick one. But she’s been so brave. They said the cancer was aggressive, so they have to fight fire with fire. Poor Mum, she’s lost all her hair and she’s very weak after the chemo sessions.

  ‘Thank God she only has one more session to go. She’s really very worn down from it. I’ve never seen her so weakened. It freaks me out. Mum has always been so strong and in control, but now she’s like a broken bird. It’s just horrible to watch. But her spirit is strong and, as Mia says, if anyone can fight it, it’s Mum.

  ‘Mia’s devastated but pretending she isn’t. She keeps saying it’s all going to be fine because she can’t bear the alternative. I’m not so sure. Mum looks terrible and I know it’s mostly the chemo but her colour is awful and I’m worried, really worried, that she might not get better. Mia’s so close to her she just won’t allow the thought of her dying to even enter her mind. I tried broaching the subject yesterday and she cut me dead.

  ‘“Sarah, Mum’s going to be fine. She’s going to get through this and live a long, happy life,” she said.

  ‘I said nothing. There’s no talking to Mia when she’s like that. Besides, I know it’s only because she can’t bear the thought of what could happen.

  ‘Poor Dad is devastated about it all. We go for long walks and we chat about everything and nothing. He hasn’t ever said it out loud, but I think, like me, he suspects Mum might not get better.

  ‘They’ve been together thirty-seven years. I’ve only been with Adam eight and I can’t imagine life without him. If anything happens to Mum, I’ll have to be strong for Dad.

  ‘If – no, actually, when I have a baby, if it’s a girl, I’ll call her Penny after my mum. I really hope she doesn’t die. I pray every night for Mum not to die and for me to get pregnant.’

  Mia remembered those dark days well. Her mother, her rock, the strongest person she knew, beaten down by that horrible disease. But even though she was battered and bruised, Mia still saw the spark. Her mother’s eyes never lost their light, until the end. Those last two weeks were the worst of Mia’s life. Her mother had given up.

  ‘I can’t fight any more, love. You have to let me go,’ she’d said, one night, in her hospital room.

  Mia had selfishly begged her to keep trying. It was Sarah who had pulled her aside and told her to stop. Her sister told Mia she was being selfish, that their mother had suffered enough, and it was time to end the pain.

  ‘If you love her, let her go,’ Sarah had told Mia.

  So Mia had held her mother’s hand, feeling her bones beneath the thin layer of papery skin, puckered with bruises from being jabbed for so many months, and she had said goodbye. ‘I love you, and I want you to be at peace. Mum, let yourself go. Thank you for being the best mother a girl could wish for. I feel so lucky to have had you in my life for thirty-five years. You are the most amazing woman. We love you.’

  Two days later, her mother had taken her last breath. The pain had knocked Mia sideways. Her anchor was gone, and she’d felt like a boat bobbing around on the sea, lost and alone. Grief was a form of madness – she knew that from bitter experience. And she knew it had Adam in its grip now. She adored Sarah, she wanted her to live, but she knew in her heart that she had lost her.

  ‘You were right, Sarah,’ Mia said, rubbing Sarah’s hand. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Mum. It was so painful to say goodbye … and it’s too painful now. It’s too much. It’s just too much.’ Mia sobbed, her tears splashing onto the pages of the diary.

  Week Two

  * * *

  19

  Riley was sitting under the big tree near the athletics track, pretending to read Ingrid Betancourt’s account of being kidnapped by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia while campaigning for the Colombian presidency. She was actually trying to do good, and then she was kept captive for six and a half years before she was finally rescued by Colombian security forces. Stuff like that actually mattered. People like Ingrid Betancourt tried to change the world. How dare Zach tell her she was too intense? How could you just skip through life caring more about jumping over a stupid metal bar than anything else?

  Riley fumed inwardly and decided she deserved better. She deserved a boyfriend who knew and cared about the important things in life. Someone who shared her passion for causes that mattered. Who, though? Most of the guys she knew were either sports jocks or maths geeks. The only in-between types were like Shocko and, much as she loved him, she couldn’t fancy him if she tried. He was like a brother, he was kind and loyal and, as her mum said, those were two of the most important qualities in a friend.

  Riley tried to concentrate on her book, but she was really watching Zoë practise her hurdles. She had to admit she was good – she had great technique and was fast – but she still looked like a complete dork.

  Sports Barbie, Riley thought darkly. Her fake-tanned legs were a deep shade of mahogany. And who the hell does athletics with lip gloss on?

  The sports coach looked at his stopwatch and whooped. He went over to high-five Zoë. ‘That’s your best time this season,’ he gushed.

  Zoë beamed. Perfect teeth. Those braces she’d worn for two years had paid off. Riley’s front teeth had a gap between them. The orthodontist had said he could close it but, in his opinion, it was charming. Mia had agreed, mainly because it was going to save her a lot of money in dental fees.

  Mia told Riley she was like some famous supermodel called Lauren Hutton. Riley looked her up, but she was about three hundred years old. So Mia went online and found Elizabeth Jagger and started banging on about her. But Elizabeth Jagger was drop-dead gorgeous, so her gap did look cute. Riley was not drop-dead anything. Well, she was drop-dead boring, according to Zach. Anyway, her gap wasn’t cute. She hated it. Zach had said he liked it, and for a while, Riley had liked it too, but now she knew everything he’d said was a lie, so she hated her gap again.

  Zoë stretched her long, toned limbs. Riley looked down at her own pale, thin arms. Maybe she should take up a sport. But she hated all of them. Her mum had made her play tennis and hockey, and there had been a brief period when she’d dragged Riley to hip-hop dance classes. It had been mortifying. Riley had no rhythm. She just couldn’t co-ordinate her arms and legs in time to the music. After three sessions of complete humiliation she went on hunger strike. Of course, her mum wouldn’t budge.
She said she’d paid for ten sessions and Riley was going to do them, by hook or by crook. But her dad had taken pity on her and stepped in. ‘What’s the point of making her go?’ he’d said. ‘All it does is cause a huge argument every week. Let’s just write it off as a bad investment.’

  Riley did feel bad about the cost of the lessons, but she’d never wanted to go in the first place so it wasn’t really her problem.

  Riley tried to focus on Ingrid Betancourt’s struggles in captivity. It was all getting a bit repetitive. She knew it wasn’t Ingrid’s fault, obviously. If you’re held captive for six years tied to a tree, there isn’t a whole lot of variety to your days. Apart from that, she was distracted by the sound of Zoë’s voice, which was being carried to her by the breeze. She was talking to her fellow hurdler and sports Barbie, Kaitlin.

  ‘Yes, it is.’ Zoë touched her neck.

  ‘OMG, it’s a seriously big love-bite,’ Kaitlin said, sounding impressed. ‘He’s like a vampire.’

  ‘He just can’t get enough of me.’ Zoë giggled.

  Riley clenched the book between her hands. She was hidden by a heavy, leafy branch.

  ‘You guys are just, like, the perfect couple. You look amazeballs together,’ Kaitlin said.

  ‘Awww, you are so sweet to say that. He’s so amazing and so much fun.’

  ‘I still can’t believe he went out with Riley for so long – I mean, seriously?’

  ‘I know. He said he was going through a phase and that she was challenging, which he thought was kind of cool but ended up being a total drag.’

  ‘She’s so, like, angry all the time. Seriously, why doesn’t she just chillax and enjoy life?’

  ‘I know,’ Zoë said, applying more lip gloss to her already glossy lips. ‘She’s all dark and dreary. Lighten up, dude!’