Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  They chortled. ‘Yeah, stop being a Debbie Downer all the time.’ Kaitlin cracked up at her own joke.

  ‘That’s what we should nickname her, DD, Debbie Downer.’ Zoë grinned.

  Riley sank down lower behind the foliage. Bitches. How dare Zach say she was a ‘phase’ and a ‘drag’?

  Tears landed on Ingrid Betancourt’s words. Riley rubbed them away roughly. She’d let Zach in. She’d opened herself up to him and let him touch her, not just physically but emotionally too. Thankfully, she hadn’t had sex with him. At least she had that to hold on to. He couldn’t say she was a conquest or that she was bad in bed because she hadn’t slept with him.

  But the hardest part for her was that she’d told him how difficult she found her mother, how she wanted to be close to her but clashed with her all the time. She’d told him it hurt her deep down and she wanted to change their relationship, but they kept locking horns over and over again. He was the only person she’d ever confided that to, and now he’d stamped all over it.

  She felt sick when she thought of telling Zach about her hopes and her dreams of becoming a journalist, like her dad. Riley wanted to work for the Guardian in London. She wanted to uncover breaking stories, expose fraudsters, crooks, corrupt regimes … She had stupidly told Zach all of this. All of these intensely personal things were now in danger of being exposed to and ridiculed by a stupid, insensitive Barbie doll.

  ‘Riley?’

  Damn it. Riley pulled her hair down over her face and turned. It was the headmistress of her senior school, Mrs Moloney, and the headmistress of the junior school, Mrs Kelly, who was also her mum’s boss. ‘We’ve been looking for you,’ Mrs Moloney said.

  ‘We heard about your aunt and we wanted to see how you were doing,’ Mrs Kelly said gently.

  Riley clambered to her feet.

  ‘It’s such a shock for you all. Your mum called me and filled me in. I’ve told her to take as much time as she needs. It’s so difficult, especially for Izzy,’ Mrs Kelly said. ‘I just wanted to check in with you and let you know that I’ll be keeping a close eye on Izzy and you can come and visit her at lunchtime if you like. As you know, we don’t normally allow the senior girls to come into the junior playground, but under these circumstances you can certainly come and see your little cousin.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Riley muttered. ‘I’d like that. Izzy needs to be minded. She was crying in her sleep last night. She’s confused. Well, we all are, to be honest.’

  She didn’t really know what else to say. She hadn’t had any further updates on Sarah’s condition. She’d texted her dad earlier, but he said he’d had no news from her mum yet.

  ‘We’re all praying for your aunt,’ Mrs Moloney said.

  Riley wasn’t too sure how much confidence she had in Mrs Moloney’s prayers. She’d prayed for Grace O’Brien’s dad last term and he’d died anyway.

  ‘If you ever need or want to talk to someone, my door is open,’ Mrs Moloney said.

  The only time Riley had ever been in her office was when she was in trouble. She couldn’t imagine going in and sitting in that upright chair opposite the principal and pouring her heart out.

  Besides, how could she explain the way she felt about Sarah? How could she put into words how the thought of losing her aunt made her unable to breathe? She loved Sarah, like really, really loved her. Sarah was always on Riley’s side. When her mum went off on one about something Riley had done or the way Riley had spoken to her, Sarah would wink at Riley and say, ‘Come on, Mia, I’m sure Riley didn’t mean it like that,’ or ‘I think you’re being a little harsh,’ or ‘Riley’s brilliant and we all love her to bits.’

  Sarah was the one person Riley didn’t mind getting hugs from. She liked Sarah’s hugs: they were warm and genuine. She loved the way Sarah could make her mum laugh. She’d sit in awe as Sarah slagged Mia about something and Mia would just crack up laughing. Mia never got annoyed with her sister for poking fun at her: she loved Sarah too much.

  Riley liked the way her mum was when she was with Sarah – relaxed and fun and nicer. Mia was way less narky to her when Sarah was around.

  Sarah always tried to look at the positive side of life. When Johnny had lost his job, Riley had overheard her mum telling Sarah. They had gone into the TV room in Sarah’s house, leaving Riley and Izzy to eat the brownies Sarah had made. But Riley had snuck out to listen at the door. She knew something bad had happened to her dad and she wanted to know what it was.

  Mia was crying and saying, ‘What are we going to do? We need his salary …’

  ‘You’ll be OK, Mia. You’re an amazing woman. Johnny is a brilliant journalist and he’ll find another job. You have the deputy head job now, so that’ll take some of the heat off and you know we’ll help you. I’d be delighted to give you money to get you over the hump.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. We’ll figure it out.’

  ‘I still have the money Mum left me.’

  ‘What? Still?’

  ‘Yes, I never spent it.’

  ‘God, mine’s long gone. It went on getting the rotting windows at the front of the house changed and Riley’s school trip to Rome. Which she said she hated.’ Mia laughed bitterly.

  ‘Come on, Mia, she was only being contrary. She loved it. Remember you coming back from that school trip to Wales and telling Dad it was the worst weekend of your life? It’s called being a teenager. Look, I’d be delighted to give you money. Adam’s business is flying again and I don’t need it. Mum would be thrilled if she knew her money was going to you, Johnny and Riley.’

  ‘I can’t take your money.’

  ‘Then let’s call it a very long-term loan. Please, Mia, let me do this for you. You’ve helped me in so many ways. Let me help you. It will make me so happy.’

  ‘No, but thank you. If I get really stuck, I promise I’ll come to you for a loan. Knowing I can do that takes the pressure off. Thanks, Sarah.’

  Riley could hear the relief in her mother’s voice. Good old Sarah, somehow making it seem like Mia would be doing her a favour by taking the money. That day, Riley had fallen even more in love with her aunt.

  Sarah always made Riley feel good about herself. Riley knew she wasn’t beautiful, but Sarah told her how gorgeous her eyes were and how she had a smile that could stop traffic. She told her to walk tall and not hunch over to hide her height.

  ‘Being tall is wonderful. I always wished I was taller. Being five foot three is rubbish. You have a fantastic figure so show it off. Walk tall and proud. You are a stunner. I wish I had your long legs – skinny jeans look so good on you.’

  Riley’s mum told her she was gorgeous, but mothers lied to their kids all the time. She’d overheard Sandra Pierce’s mother telling her how beautiful she was, and Sandra was by miles the ugliest girl in the year.

  Mrs Kelly cleared her throat. ‘Of course we’ll keep a keen eye on Izzy. I know you’re close. She’s so fond of you. She was telling me all about your sleepovers. She’s such a sweet girl and you seem like a very caring cousin.’

  ‘Good to hear. Keep it up, Riley. Izzy needs all the support she can get right now,’ Mrs Moloney said. Glancing at her watch she said, ‘Right, time to ring the bell. I’ll see you inside, Riley, and remember, my door is open.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Riley muttered.

  She was afraid to speak. She didn’t want to talk about Sarah. It was too much. No, Sarah just had to get better and wake up and be fine. There was no other option. None.

  20

  Pam Neelan walked into the hospital room where Mia and Adam were sitting, each holding one of Sarah’s hands. Charlie was seated in a chair at the foot of the bed; Olivia had gone to visit a friend who was in the hospital, recovering from a hip replacement. Adam jumped up when she entered. She was tall and athletic with an air of authority.

  ‘Mia?’ she said. ‘Good afternoon, I’m Dr Neelan.’

  ‘Well?’ Adam wanted answers.

  ‘Thanks so much for everything. We really appreci
ate it.’ Mia felt it was important to acknowledge her help. After all, neither of them knew her and it was very kind of her to take the time to do this.

  ‘Not at all,’ Pam replied. ‘Look, I’ll get straight to the point. I know you were hoping for good news. I’ve examined the procedures and measures carried out here and they really did everything they could. I agree with the team’s prognosis. I’m so sorry, but Sarah has no brain-stem activity, so there is no hope of recovery. I really wish I had better news.’

  Mia gulped back tears. ‘Well, thank you for giving us your opinion. I know how busy you are.’

  Pam reached out and touched her arm. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s a terrible and shocking thing to happen.’

  Adam grabbed her hand. ‘What about the baby? We can save the baby, right? Can’t we? I know we can. We’ve spent hours trawling the internet. There are cases where babies survive. Aren’t there, Mia?’

  Mia just wanted to lie on the floor and weep for her sister. She didn’t have the energy to hold up Adam and his hopes. She wanted someone to hold her up. She felt as if she was falling down a deep, dark tunnel.

  ‘Mia?’ Adam shook her arm.

  Mia blinked and forced herself to concentrate. ‘Sorry, yes, I did find one case that said, with the advances in medicine and life-support technology, the age of the foetus didn’t matter so much. It was a case where a woman had been declared brain dead at sixteen weeks pregnant, but the baby was delivered 110 days later. I know it’s not, well, it’s not common, but there is hope?’

  Pam chose her words carefully. ‘It’s not my area of expertise. You’ll have to discuss this with Ms Johnston. She is an expert in her field.’

  ‘But do you think the baby will make it?’ Adam begged.

  Pam took a step back. ‘You really need to talk to Ms Johnston. I’m so sorry about your wife. I’ll leave you in peace.’

  ‘They can’t tell you what isn’t true,’ Charlie said quietly.

  ‘Don’t take their side,’ Adam said, jabbing a finger in Charlie’s direction. ‘My son is alive and well.’

  Charlie shook his head. ‘Ah, Adam, I know how much this hurts, but you’ll have to face reality.’

  ‘The reality is that Ben is fighting to survive, and I’m going to do everything in my power to help him.’

  ‘OK, OK,’ Charlie said. ‘I understand. Let’s see what happens.’

  ‘We have to be strong for her,’ Adam said, his voice cracking with emotion. ‘For her and for Ben.’

  The door opened and Angela stepped into the room. ‘Sorry to interrupt you, guys, but you have a visitor here. An important one. I’ve kitted him out in protective gear, so can he come in?’

  ‘Who is it?’ Mia said, thinking maybe it was Johnny.

  Angela pushed the door wide open and stepped aside. A tall, well-built man walked into the room and his face dropped when he saw the scene before him. ‘Oh, my God,’ Adam cried. ‘Rob!’

  Rob opened his arms and Adam walked straight into his embrace. He put his head on his brother’s shoulder and wept like a child. Mia felt awkward, witnessing such a private moment of grief, and she motioned to Charlie that they should leave.

  Rob held up his hand. ‘No, please don’t go,’ he said. He was crying too, but he held his brother up firmly. ‘I’m glad to see you all. Please stay.’

  Mia sat back in the chair and focused on Sarah. Rob whispered to Adam over and over, ‘It’s OK, I’m here,’ and slowly Adam’s sobs subsided.

  ‘Jesus, I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my life,’ he said, wiping his eyes with his hand. ‘I can’t believe you flew over.’

  ‘I couldn’t let you go through this alone,’ Rob said. ‘I know you have Sarah’s family,’ he said, smiling at Charlie and Mia, ‘but it was killing me to talk to you on the phone and not be properly there for you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Adam said, hugging him again. ‘Things are so awful, Rob. I’m barely hanging on here.’

  ‘Let’s sit down. I want to say hello to Sarah.’ Rob swallowed hard as he looked down on Sarah’s motionless body. He put his hand on her head and leaned down to kiss her cheek. ‘Hey, Sarah,’ he said softly. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. You really need to wake up so we can dish the dirt on this guy.’ He looked around at them. ‘Has there been any further news?’

  ‘They’re saying it’s not good,’ Adam told him. ‘Did you make any headway on finding a neurologist in Toronto?’

  Rob nodded. ‘Yes, there’s a friend of a friend who’s at the Scarborough. He said he’d look over all the medical notes and let me know.’

  ‘Great, great,’ Adam said, stroking Sarah’s arm.

  ‘Adam,’ Rob said, ‘what did they say to you?’

  Adam shrugged. ‘I’m not sure if they’re on the ball here. I really want another opinion.’

  Rob looked at Mia. ‘What was the news?’

  Mia looked down. ‘Em … we had a meeting this morning. The team said that Sarah has no brain-stem activity. They said she won’t wake up. The life support is keeping her alive. They told us she’s … uhm … that she’s gone.’

  Rob stared at her. ‘Jesus, Adam, I’m so sorry. Can the baby survive?’

  Mia looked at Adam. ‘We just got a second opinion, and it corroborated the team’s conclusion. The baby is still alive, but without the support system of Sarah’s body …’

  ‘Forget that,’ Adam said sharply. ‘Ben is alive in there. We’re going to focus on that and get him all the help he needs to make it through. They can deliver him early and then we’ll care for him.’

  Rob looked at his brother, then back at Mia. She could tell that he understood what was happening. ‘OK,’ Rob said. ‘Well, I guess we cling to the positive for now. Right?’

  ‘Exactly. Keep hassling for that opinion,’ Adam said. ‘We might just get the right answer from your guy.’

  ‘I’ll do that,’ Rob said.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ Adam said. ‘Now that you’re with me, I feel better. I can’t thank you enough.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else,’ Rob said. ‘I’m mad about Sarah, you know that. And Ellen really wanted to come, but she couldn’t get the time off work.’

  ‘No, that’s fine,’ Adam said. ‘If we do end up moving Sarah to Canada for treatment, Ellen will be able to help sort it from that end, so it’s actually perfect.’

  Rob took a deep breath, and Mia could see that he was really struggling to control his emotions. Adam was so hyper and distracted, he was like a different man. The whole thing must be so shocking for Rob – to find Sarah like this, and Adam half crazed with grief. It was all horribly surreal.

  The door opened and Angela came in. ‘More interruptions,’ she said brightly. ‘Only me. I just need to do the monitor.’

  ‘Do you want us to leave?’ Mia asked.

  ‘I’d really like them to stay,’ Adam said quickly.

  Angela looked uncertain but she said, ‘OK, no problem. It only takes a moment.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Charlie said.

  ‘It’s a Doppler foetal monitor,’ Angela said, as she raised Sarah’s pyjama top. She placed the device against Sarah’s belly and moved it around. There was a sound like radio static, then suddenly the room filled with the pulsing throb of a heartbeat. It was steady and strong. Du-dum, du-dum, du-dum.

  ‘See,’ Adam said, grinning at them. ‘There he is. That’s my Ben.’

  Mia’s heart broke. Oh, Sarah, she thought, your little baby.

  ‘Wow,’ Rob said, listening in wonder. ‘He’s like a little galloping horse.’

  Adam laughed. ‘Yeah, that’s it. He’s a fighter, I can tell. Isn’t that the most beautiful sound in the world?’

  It filled the room, pulsating through each of them. It was the sound of life.

  21

  Mia drove home through a fog of tears. She needed to see Riley and Johnny. She needed to be with her little family. She wanted to hug Izzy, too. What were they going to do about Izzy?
Adam said he wanted her to think Sarah was still alive and just sleeping. If they were going to save the baby, Izzy needed to think that her mum was sleeping. Getting her head around the reality would be traumatic and unnecessary, he’d said. Mia had felt confused, not sure what her own thoughts were on the matter. She felt Rob was in the same boat. But they had to support Adam because he was in Hell right now.

  When she got home, Johnny was cooking dinner for the girls. He was wearing the apron that Riley had bought him for Christmas. It was bright red and said, ‘Who needs hair with a body like this?’ Johnny had laughed when he’d opened it and put it on straight away. He wore it all the time. It had been a very thoughtful gift. Johnny had struggled with losing his hair. He’d only finally shaved his head in November last year. Mia thought he looked better with it shaved. The receding hairline had been more ageing than the baldness.

  It had taken him a few weeks to get used to it, and just as he was beginning to feel better about the hair loss, he’d lost his job.

  Riley was upstairs doing her homework and Izzy was watching a movie in the TV room. Mia dropped her bag on the floor and ran to her husband.

  Johnny wrapped his arms around her. ‘Bad news?’

  ‘She’s gone. Pam Neelan confirmed it.’ Mia burst into tears.

  ‘What? For sure?’ He bent his head against hers and she felt his shoulders shake with sobs. ‘Our Sarah. Oh, love, I’m so sorry.’ They held each other tightly. He handed her a tissue and wiped his own eyes with the bottom of the apron.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I just can’t take it in. We didn’t get to say goodbye or anything.’

  ‘It’s so messed up,’ Mia said, sniffing. ‘She’s dead but she’s not. We’re keeping her alive for the baby.’

  Johnny sighed deeply. ‘But she’s only fourteen weeks pregnant. I thought it might be viable when I found those few miracle cases online, but hearing what the doctors said, I mean, it makes sense that the poor little thing would likely be severely damaged, doesn’t it? He’s been through as much as Sarah, and when they said she was going to start disintegrating … Man, that’s just …’