Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Mia blew her nose. ‘I feel so conflicted about it, but Adam wants to try, and I understand that. It’s all he has. Sarah would want to try too. I know she would.’

  ‘Fair enough, but he has Izzy to think of now,’ Johnny said quietly. ‘And I’ve been doing more research. I have to warn you, love, it says that the dead person’s body may deteriorate significantly. It’s going to be very hard to watch that. You need to prepare yourselves.’

  Mia sighed. ‘How can you prepare yourself for anything? I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe my sister is dead because she kind of isn’t. She is, but her body isn’t. God, it’s so hard, Johnny. I feel as if I can’t really grieve her because she’s not gone, it’s not over. It’s a nightmare.’

  Johnny held her close and rubbed her back. ‘What are you going to say to Izzy?’

  Mia’s face crumpled. ‘We have to lie to her and say Sarah’s still sleeping. I promised Adam we’d follow his line on this. He’s going to bring her in to see Sarah this evening. He’s gone home to shower and get himself together before seeing her. He’s a wreck. We can’t tell her the truth – it’s too awful. How can a seven-year-old process that her mother’s corpse is keeping her brother alive? To be honest, we’re going to tell everyone that Sarah is still undergoing tests. People will have strong opinions on what’s going on and I don’t want to hear them. I’m still trying to get my own head around it. Poor Izzy, though, losing her mum so young. It’s not fair.’ Mia began to cry again.

  Johnny dug his fingers into her back. Over her shoulder, he called, ‘There she is now. How was the movie, Izzy?’

  Mia quickly wiped her face with her sleeve.

  ‘It was good. Mia, is Mummy awake?’

  Mia plastered on a big smile. ‘Not yet, sweetie, but your dad is going to take you in to see her again tonight.’

  ‘Yes!’ Izzy clapped her hands together. ‘When will he be here?’

  ‘In about half an hour. I’m hoping he’ll join us for dinner, then you two can go and say hello to Sarah.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see him,’ Izzy said, looking thrilled.

  Mia realized that Izzy was bereft of both her parents. Adam was spending every minute at the hospital, so the poor child was probably feeling totally abandoned. Maybe now that Rob was here, Adam could spend more time with Izzy. She needed it.

  ‘You’re the best girl ever,’ Mia said, smiling at her niece. ‘Now come here and give me a big hug.’

  Izzy jumped into Mia’s arms. She was like a little fairy. Petite like her mum, not tall and big-boned like her aunt.

  Izzy looked at Mia’s face. ‘Your eyes are all red and sad, Mia.’

  ‘I just have a cold and I’m tired because I was at the hospital all night. I’ll be fine after some sleep.’

  ‘Right, scamp, are you hungry?’ Johnny distracted Izzy. ‘Dinner is ready.’

  ‘I’ll get Riley,’ Mia said.

  Riley was hunched over her books in her bedroom. The curtains were closed and the room was dark, except for the lamp on her desk. Clothes and books were strewn all over the floor, but for once Mia didn’t care.

  She knocked gently on the open door. ‘Hey.’

  Riley looked up. ‘Hi. How’s Sarah?’

  Mia hesitated. She’d been going to lie, but now she thought Riley deserved the truth and she was mature for her age.

  ‘She’s gone, love.’

  Riley’s jaw dropped. ‘What? But I thought … I … She can’t be, Mum. Sarah can’t be dead. She’s … she’s … I just …’ Riley’s eyes were wide with shock and grief. ‘Mum, please, there must be something they can do?’

  Mia bit back tears. ‘They can’t, love. I’m so sorry. Her brain has stopped functioning. There’s too much damage.’

  Tears streamed down Riley’s face. Mia reached over to her and pulled her into a hug. Riley sobbed into her shoulder. Mia cried silently, holding her daughter, taking a little comfort from their embrace.

  Riley pulled back and wiped her face with her sleeve. ‘God, Mum, it’s just so cruel, to lose Sarah and the little baby too. Poor Adam.’

  ‘The baby is still alive.’

  Riley frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘Sarah’s brain dead, but her body is being kept alive by machines. The baby is still alive. We just have to wait and see if it survives. But the chances are very slim.’

  Riley stared at her, open-mouthed. ‘Oh, my actual God. That’s beyond weird. You’re keeping a dead person alive?’

  Mia got up and closed the bedroom door. ‘Sssh. Keep your voice down, love. Izzy doesn’t know. She thinks Sarah’s still asleep. I told you because I don’t want to lie to you. It’s an impossible situation. I’m devastated. We all are. Poor Adam is beside himself, but we’re trying to do what’s best for everyone.’

  ‘But … how can a dead mother keep a baby alive? A baby needs food and stuff from its mother, doesn’t it? I don’t understand.’

  ‘It’s very hard to understand, I know,’ Mia said. ‘Sarah’s being fed by a tube, and those nutrients are still being passed to the baby by the umbilical cord.’

  Riley bit her thumbnail. ‘But it just seems … like, wrong.’

  ‘Well, there’s a very small chance the baby could make it, so we have to try. I think Sarah would want us to.’

  Riley crossed her arms. ‘Are you sure? It’s like some creepy sci-fi film. I think Sarah should just be allowed to be dead and not have her body forced to stay alive.’

  Mia didn’t want to be questioned about the decisions they were making. She was struggling with it all herself. ‘Look, Riley, Sarah was my sister and my best friend and she desperately wanted another baby. She would have done anything to save that baby’s life. That’s what mothers do. They love their children more than themselves and would do anything to keep them alive.’

  Riley was not for turning. ‘I think it’s wrong, Mum.’

  Mia sighed. ‘It’s complicated, Riley.’

  Riley sat down again at her desk. ‘It’s not complicated, it’s wrong.’

  Their moment of closeness was over. Mia quietly left the room.

  22

  The doorbell rang.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Izzy yelled, and raced down the hallway.

  Mia smiled at Johnny. ‘I didn’t tell her about the special guest. I thought she’d enjoy the surprise.’

  From the hallway they heard the click of the front door opening, then silence, then a high-pitched screech: ‘Uncle Rob!’

  Johnny grinned. ‘Yep, I think we can say she enjoyed that.’

  Rob came into the room with Izzy clinging to him, like a koala bear. She had her arms wrapped around his neck and wasn’t letting him go. He was smiling, obviously delighted with his welcome. ‘I’m so happy to see you, Iz,’ he said, covering her face in kisses.

  ‘I have to get a hello too,’ Adam protested. ‘You’re hogging my daughter.’

  ‘Silly Daddy,’ Izzy said. ‘I still love you the best, but I haven’t seen Uncle Rob for so long. I missed you,’ she said, looking into his eyes.

  ‘My God, Izzy, I won’t be able to leave Ireland if this is how I’m treated,’ Rob joked.

  ‘Can you stay for a bite to eat?’ Johnny asked. ‘My exquisite pulled pork is on the menu.’

  ‘Wow, sounds good,’ Rob said. ‘Can we stay, Adam?’

  ‘Sure, why not?’

  Johnny added two settings and called to Riley to bring an extra chair from her room. She came down carrying it and plonked it at the table. ‘Hi, Adam,’ she said, not meeting his eye.

  ‘You remember Adam’s brother, Rob, don’t you?’ Mia said. ‘You met him a few summers ago.’

  ‘Yeah, I remember,’ Riley said, giving him a small smile. ‘It’s good to see you again.’

  ‘This is Riley?’ Rob said, eyes wide. ‘Wow, you were like Izzy when I last saw you. You’re very much a young woman now. What are you, about fourteen? Older?’

  ‘Sixteen soon,’ Mia said. ‘And still as wonderful.�
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  They sat down at the table, Izzy chattering. Riley was quiet and morose. Mia was on edge, praying that she didn’t tackle Adam about his decision.

  ‘Eat your greens, Riley,’ Izzy said. ‘You need them to be big and strong. That’s what Mummy always says.’

  ‘I’m tall already. You’re the one who needs the veg.’ Riley could barely look at Izzy. The poor thing had no idea that her life was literally falling apart.

  ‘I’m petite. Mummy says being petite is a good thing. Mummy is petite and beautiful, too. Isn’t she, Johnny?’

  Johnny looked stricken. ‘Yes, pet, she is.’

  ‘I’m bringing my hairbrush in to brush Mummy’s hair. She loves when I brush it and I’m going to tell her all about school and my sleepovers here with Riley and I’m going to tell her how much I miss her and how I can’t wait for us to be together again at home all cosy.’

  Rob covered his mouth with his hand and Adam put down his knife and fork on his barely eaten meal.

  ‘That’s lovely, Izzy.’ Mia’s voice shook.

  ‘You’re a great girl,’ Johnny said. ‘Isn’t she, Riley?’

  ‘Totally. Izzy rocks.’

  ‘Is it time to go now, Daddy?’ Izzy asked impatiently.

  ‘Sure,’ Adam said. ‘Let’s get off. And would you like to stay here tonight, or at our place with Uncle Rob?’

  Izzy looked at Mia and Johnny. ‘If it’s OK, I’d like to stay at home.’

  ‘Of course,’ Johnny said. ‘Nothing like your own bed. You can tell Rob all about your Communion and everything.’

  ‘Great,’ Izzy said. ‘I can tell you the secret, Uncle Rob.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ Rob said. ‘I love secrets. What is it?’

  ‘On my Communion Day,’ Izzy said, bending forward conspiratorially, ‘Mummy is going to wake up. She’s just resting until the big day. But when she sees me in my dress, she’s going to wake up and come home.’

  Rob’s face froze. He stared at Izzy. With obvious effort, he finally managed to say, ‘Wow, Izzy, that’s – that’s some secret.’

  ‘OK, let’s go,’ Izzy said, jumping up and heading out to the hallway.

  Rob and Adam followed her, looking like they were going to the gallows. Once the front door had closed behind them and Mia had slumped back at the table, Riley turned on her parents. ‘It’s not right that she goes in there thinking Sarah’s coming back when she isn’t, ever. You’re all lying to her and it’s wrong. She should know that her mum is dead.’ Riley’s eyes filled. ‘You all think pretending everything is OK is the right thing to do, but it isn’t. It’s just lies upon lies.’

  Mia leaned forward and pointed a finger at her daughter. ‘Listen to me very carefully, Riley. This is not your story to tell. It is up to Adam to decide when he wants to say to Izzy about her mum. It is up to Adam to make decisions about what Izzy should and shouldn’t know.’

  ‘I’m not trying to upset Adam,’ Riley said, ‘but someone has to tell him that lying will only make things worse. Kids hate being lied to.’

  ‘This situation is extremely complicated. It’s not for you to decide what Izzy should know. It’s for her father to decide. I thought I could trust you with the truth, Riley. Do not, under any circumstance, say a word to Izzy. I’m warning you. I’ve enough to deal with without you upsetting Izzy and Adam.’

  Riley felt grief well up inside her. ‘I’m sad too, Mum,’ she cried. ‘I loved Sarah. Maybe someone in this house might remember that.’

  Riley fled to her room and slammed the door behind her. Everyone hated her. Her parents, Zach, everyone. She buried her face in her pillow and bawled.

  She was a sniffing, red-eyed mess when she heard a knock on the door. ‘Please go away. I just need to be on my own for a bit.’

  ‘It’s only me.’

  The door opened and Riley looked up to see her granddad standing there. She quickly wiped her eyes on her pillowcase, sat up and hugged the pillow to her chest.

  ‘I called in to see Izzy and I heard you were upset.’

  ‘I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.’

  Charlie was wearing his coat. It seemed too big for him. He looked smaller and thinner, way older and so sad. Riley had to look away from his eyes or she knew she’d start bawling again.

  Charlie looked around the dark room. ‘It’s very gloomy in here. Come on, let’s get you out and go for a walk.’

  Riley didn’t want to go for a walk, she wanted to stay in bed and cry and wallow, but she wasn’t going to tell her granddad that. She grabbed a hoodie from the floor and tugged it on. They left the house and turned right towards the local park. It was overcast but not raining. Charlie breathed in deeply. They walked in silence, through the gates of the park and towards the pond.

  A breeze gathered, and Riley pulled up her hood to keep her ears warm.

  Charlie kept walking. ‘How are you doing, pet?’

  ‘I’m all right. Please don’t worry about me. I’m so sorry about Sarah, Granddad. I know how much you loved her.’ She glanced at Charlie. He’d aged so much in such a short time. He was suddenly like an old man.

  ‘Thank you, Riley. I’m sorry, too. We all loved her to bits. But the person we need to feel most sorry for and protect is Izzy.’ Charlie pointed to a bench. ‘Let’s sit down for a minute. I feel a bit out of breath. It’s been a long day.’

  ‘Will I get you some water? Should I run back and get Mum?’ Riley was terrified he was going to have a heart attack. What the hell would she do? Please, God, don’t let Granddad have a heart attack. Not now, not here. Everyone will blame me.

  Charlie sat down heavily on the bench. ‘I’m fine, pet, just need to catch my breath.’ He stared across the park into the distance. ‘What we’re all trying to deal with is beyond anyone’s imagination. If I saw what is happening to us in a film, I wouldn’t believe it. I’m sixty-nine and I can’t get my head around any of this, so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.’

  Riley bit her thumbnail, which was already raw. ‘It just seems a bit weird and creepy to keep Sarah’s body alive when she’s dead. I don’t get how the baby could survive in a … well, in a dead body.’

  Charlie sighed. ‘Neither do I, Riley. And, to be honest, the doctors seem to be in shock, too. This is an incredibly rare situation. It’s a huge challenge for us to try to understand it and do the right thing by Sarah.’

  Riley put her hand into the pocket of her hoodie to protect her stumpy nail. If she bit it any further, it would disappear. ‘It’s just mad, Granddad, the whole thing. I don’t know what to say. I seem to keep saying the wrong thing to Mum. I feel bad because I know she’s devastated, but all we seem to do is clash. I want to be there for her, but I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel or what the right thing to say is because Sarah still seems to be alive. I keep messing up.’

  Charlie patted her arm. ‘Don’t worry about any of that. None of us knows what to say. Your mum loves you more than anything in the world but she’s really struggling to deal with this. You do need to try to support her as much as you can. Mia and Sarah were like two peas in a pod. I loved that they were so close. When they were younger, I was worried they mightn’t be because they were so different, but as they got older they became inseparable. They could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. I never had that with my brother – we weren’t close at all. They had a very special bond.’

  He was right. Sometimes it was as if they could speak without talking. Mia would just look at Sarah and she’d know what Sarah was about to say. Poor Mum, Riley thought, she’s lost her best friend and her sister. ‘I promise I’ll try to say the right thing and be a better daughter. How are you doing, Granddad, or is that, like, the dumbest question ever?’

  Charlie wrapped his scarf tightly around his neck. ‘No, pet, it’s not dumb. I think I’m still in shock. I can’t believe my beautiful girl is gone. Your children are the most precious thing in the world. To lose one is unthinkable.’


  Riley held her breath as Charlie struggled to control his emotions.

  ‘Sarah was the best daughter a man could have wished for. She rang me every day, and when Penny died, she called into me every day to check on me, to make sure I wasn’t in bed getting depressed. She was one in a million. Her loss is going to leave a huge hole in my life and in all our lives. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It’s not the law of nature. It’s wrong on every level. The only good thing is that Penny isn’t here to see this. It would have killed her.’

  Riley wanted to say something to make him feel better. But what? ‘I guess it’s good that Gran died, then. I mean, not good that she died, but you know …’ Jesus, what was wrong with her? She was a walking liability. She’d better just say nothing from now on.

  Charlie patted her knee. ‘I know what you meant. At least Penny is up there, with Sarah, able to look after her.’

  ‘But … is Sarah actually dead, Granddad?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But not totally dead?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It’s so …’

  ‘Unreal?’

  ‘Yes,’ Riley said.

  ‘To think that last week my only worry was that Olivia would find the KitKat wrapper in my car.’ Charlie laughed bitterly.

  ‘She can’t give out to you now,’ Riley said. ‘You can eat as many KitKats as you want. Would you like me to go to the garage and get you one now?’

  Charlie smiled. ‘No, thank you, pet. But I might need one over the next few days.’

  ‘Anytime, Granddad.’

  ‘And if you need to talk, just pick up the phone and call me.’

  Riley felt a wave of love for him. Here he was worrying about her, when his poor heart was broken. She hugged him. ‘I love you, Granddad.’

  ‘I love you, Riley.’

  They sat on the bench, holding each other in silence as the light faded and disappeared altogether.

  23

  Johnny and Mia stood at the counter of the hospital coffee shop, waiting for their coffees to be made up.