Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Johnny rustled around until he found the blue jumper he was looking for. ‘Well, Adam’s called this meeting for a reason. Maybe he’s come around after seeing the state Sarah was in this morning.’ Johnny’s voice was muffled by the jumper as he pulled it over his head.

  Mia hoped he was right. She couldn’t take much more and her poor dad … She was really worried about Charlie. He looked broken.

  Johnny picked up her handbag from the floor and held out his hand to her. Every bone in Mia’s body ached. She felt like an old woman. She yearned to lie down on the bed and close her eyes for weeks and weeks. She wanted to sleep until it was all over.

  ‘Come on, up you get.’ Johnny pulled his wife to her feet. ‘Adam said he wanted us to meet at his house at eight thirty sharp. Riley’s been babysitting Izzy all afternoon, I’d say she’s tired. Hopefully the meeting won’t go on too long.’

  As Johnny drove, Mia looked out of the window at people going about their daily lives. They have no idea, she thought, no idea that my sister is decomposing and the child inside her is dying too. They have no idea that their lives could be ripped apart in a second. One day your life is full of normal worries, like how to deal with bolshie teens and dwindling finances, and then, suddenly, BOOM. From nowhere life rips the rug from under your feet and turns your world upside-down and inside-out.

  Mia felt scared all the time now. Anxious. She had always been a worrier, but now she felt permanently panicky. What if Riley was run over by a car? What if she had a tumour in her brain or got cancer? What if Mia got motor neurone or Johnny had Parkinson’s? What if … what if … Mia knew now that nothing in life was certain or safe.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ Johnny asked, as they sat waiting for the traffic lights to turn green.

  ‘That the guy there walking along with his take-out coffee could drop dead of a heart attack.’

  ‘OK.’ Johnny exhaled slowly.

  Mia turned to face him. ‘No, seriously, none of us knows what’s going to happen. Everyone says, “Enjoy the now because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring,” or “Who knows what will happen?” but you never, ever, in your wildest dreams imagine that your pregnant younger sister will drop dead in front of you. You could never contemplate that her dead, rotting body would be incubating a child. You could not imagine sitting in meetings with teams of specialists discussing how her brain is now pouring toxins into the bloodstream that will probably kill her own child.’

  Johnny reached over and took her hand in his. ‘If I had brandy or whiskey or anything strong, I’d give it to you right now. But in lieu of that, breathe in and out slowly. You’ve had a terrible shock. Maybe you should ask the doctor for some Xanax or a mild sedative.’

  ‘I’m not taking Xanax.’

  ‘Mia,’ Johnny said, letting go of her hand to switch gears, ‘you’ve had a traumatic shock. You should consider taking something to help you.’

  ‘I’m not chomping down Xanax. I’ll probably become addicted to them and then die of an overdose.’

  ‘That’s why you need them, because you’ll stop catastrophizing.’

  Mia smiled sadly. ‘Johnny, I’m not catastrophizing. I’m living in the middle of a real-life catastrophe.’

  Johnny remained silent. What could he say? Mia was right. All of the years she’d spent worrying about bad things happening, well, now she was living right in the middle of one.

  32

  Riley answered the door to them. ‘Be quiet, I’ve just got Izzy to sleep.’

  Mia reached out to hug her. Riley patted her on the back awkwardly, then pulled away.

  ‘Rob and Adam are only just back from the hospital. Granddad and Olivia are here.’

  They walked into the kitchen where Charlie and Olivia were sitting at the kitchen table. Rob was busying himself, making tea and coffee for everyone. It felt so strange not to see Sarah by the kettle, bustling about in her kitchen. Mia felt a surge of pain. She sat down to catch her breath.

  ‘I miss her brownies,’ Riley said quietly, sitting beside Mia.

  ‘Me too.’ Mia smiled through tears.

  ‘It’s so weird here without her. It feels … I dunno, cold and lonely.’ Riley sniffed.

  She was right, it did. Even full of people, the kitchen felt bereft of Sarah.

  Adam wandered in and went to help Rob organize the tea pot, coffee pot and mugs.

  Mia turned to Riley. ‘I’m not sure you should be here for this, love. It might get a bit intense,’ she whispered.

  ‘I loved Sarah as much as anyone and I want to know what’s going on.’ Riley’s jaw was set.

  ‘Let her stay,’ Johnny said. ‘If it gets out of hand, I’ll take her home.’

  ‘Forget the tea.’ Charlie sounded weary. ‘I couldn’t drink anything anyway. It’s been a really long and horrible day, so let’s get to the point. What would you like to talk about, Adam?’

  Her poor father looked old and utterly worn out, Mia thought. She tried to imagine what it was like to be a parent and see your child in that state. She couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain of seeing Riley decomposing in a hospital bed. As a parent, you felt you had to protect your children, no matter what age they were. But this nightmare situation was beyond all the normal bounds, and there was nothing Charlie could do.

  ‘I would like a glass of sparkling water, if that’s all right,’ Olivia piped up. ‘My throat is very dry. I think it’s the heat in the hospital – it’s very dehydrating. Charlie could do with one too.’

  ‘Could she be any more annoying?’ Mia hissed under her breath.

  Johnny put his hand on her leg. ‘Take it easy.’

  ‘If you had a slice of lemon handy, that would be super. It’s very soothing on the throat.’

  Mia couldn’t take any more. ‘Adam and Rob are not going to start looking for bloody lemons,’ she snapped. ‘Dad doesn’t need a glass of sodding water with a slice of lemon, he needs a bottle of whiskey to deal with the shock of seeing his younger daughter in some horror show.’

  ‘Go, Mum,’ Riley muttered.

  Olivia looked affronted. ‘There’s no need to be so aggressive, Mia. I was only trying to help your father.’

  ‘You’re not helping anyone,’ Mia growled.

  ‘Let’s all calm down and take a moment,’ Johnny said calmly, squeezing Mia’s leg a bit tighter. ‘Everyone had a terrible shock this morning.’

  ‘I know, Johnny, but a degree of civility from Mia wouldn’t go amiss.’

  Mia was tempted to reach across the table, punch Olivia’s annoying face and shout, ‘Howdya like that for civility?’

  It wasn’t really Olivia’s fault, but Mia wanted to hit someone. She wanted to scream at someone. She wanted to blame someone. But who? There was no one to blame. It was just a hideous twist of Fate. Brain damage. Such little words for such a life-altering, life-shattering thing. Mia thought of all the vile people who lived in the world – wife-beaters, rapists, bigots – and yet it was her lovely sister, who’d never hurt a fly, who was ripped from it.

  Adam and Rob sat down at the table. While Rob poured glasses of water and mugs of tea, Adam talked. ‘I asked you here to discuss the plan going forward.’

  ‘The only plan is to bury my daughter with the scrap of dignity she has left,’ Charlie said, his voice shaking with anger and grief.

  Mia wanted to reach over and take his hands in hers, but Olivia got there first.

  ‘A nice, dignified funeral where you can all say goodbye,’ Olivia added.

  ‘You all deserve the chance to bury her in peace,’ Johnny agreed.

  ‘It’s time to let her go,’ Mia said, looking at Adam.

  Adam slammed his fists down on the table. The mugs jumped. When he spoke, he sounded like he was barely controlling a white-hot rage.

  ‘The reason I asked you to come here is because I know that’s what you’re thinking. But I’m telling you that this is just a bump in the road. My child is still alive. I know Sarah looks … looks not like
herself but our baby is alive. He hasn’t been affected.’

  ‘We don’t know that,’ Mia said. ‘The doctors said they think the baby is being adversely affected by the infection, the excess fluid and all the drugs they’re pumping into Sarah to keep her body alive. And there’ll only be more and more drugs as this goes on. That’s what I understood from this morning.’

  Adam glared at her. ‘They don’t know for sure. They have no concrete knowledge, and while there is still a heartbeat and even the tiniest chance, I am not letting go.’

  Charlie sat forward and looked straight at his son-in-law. ‘Please, Adam, I know what losing your wife is like. I know admitting it’s over is the worst pain, but there is no way you can let this go on. It’s inhumane. That is no longer my daughter in that bed. We’ve let this go on for far too long. It’s unbearable to see her deteriorate like this. It’s wrong. My poor little girl. She needs to be at peace. She needs this to be over. Let her go.’

  Adam shook his head. ‘No, Charlie, I won’t. Our baby is still alive.’

  Charlie’s face contorted with anger. ‘What child can survive in a dead body?’ he shouted. ‘There is no hope. Stop this madness, Adam.’

  Rob spoke up. His voice was quiet and measured. ‘There is a lot of emotion here, and the situation is beyond awful, but Adam is Sarah’s next-of-kin and that is his baby. And his baby has a heartbeat. Regardless of what we think, if he feels he wants to continue to give the baby a chance, we have to support him.’

  Adam clenched his jaw. ‘Exactly.’

  Mia could see Adam was angry and defensive. She needed to approach this very gently. She took a deep breath. ‘Look, Adam, I understand why you want to cling to hope. I know how much you and Sarah wanted this baby. I know how happy you were at the idea of having a son. Adam, I’m absolutely heartbroken, lost without her, but I’m having to accept the future as it’s now going to be, and I really feel you have to do the same. The baby is absolutely tiny, so it really can’t survive another seven or eight weeks. Even if it did by some miracle, it would probably die within days of being delivered, because very few babies born at twenty-four weeks survive. Look how much Sarah has deteriorated already. It’s going to get worse day by day. The baby has no real chance. By dragging it out, you’re only prolonging the agony. If I thought there was a screed of a chance the baby would survive, I’d back you, Adam. But I can’t. Her deterioration has been so dramatic. It’s horrific.’ Mia paused to wipe away her tears. ‘I know how hard this is for you, I really do, but you must face the facts, Adam. They’re gone. Sarah and the baby are gone.’

  Adam’s eyes flashed. ‘I will not quit on my baby or Sarah. Ever. Do you understand? None of you knows how much this baby meant to us, and especially to Sarah. After the second miscarriage, I wanted to give up trying but she insisted we keep going, and she was proven right. Don’t you see? This baby was meant to be. We tried so hard to bring him into the world. I will not give up on him. None of you knows how much I loved her. I will fight on for her and for the baby.’

  Charlie pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the tears running down his face. ‘Of course we know how much you loved her, and we know how hard she tried to get pregnant. She was my daughter, and I loved her too. We’re all broken here, son. But this is turning into a horror show, like Mia said. Do you think Sarah would want to end her life as a bloated corpse, infecting her own child?’ Emotion overtook him and he whimpered and stared at the ceiling. His pain was evident on his face. ‘She’s gone. We’ve lost her, and the baby can’t survive in there. We all have to be brave and compassionate and let Sarah go with the scrap of dignity she has left.’

  Mia’s heart ached for her father. ‘Dad’s right, Adam. We can’t let Sarah deteriorate any further. We have to help her. We have to be her voice.’

  Adam glared at Mia with such hatred, she gasped. He didn’t even look like the Adam she knew any more. Grief and stress had transformed him.

  ‘What happened to I’m here for you, Adam. We’re behind you, Adam? Where’s your loyalty now? I’m the only one who has the balls to make the hard decisions. It’s my responsibility and I’m stepping up to it. So, just to be clear, no one is to mention letting Sarah go or switching off the machines or giving up. I don’t want to hear those words. I am choosing hope.’

  ‘I am here for you,’ Mia said, desperately trying to get through to him. ‘We all are. We’ve been doing everything we can to support you and Izzy. But you can’t fight death. It’s like fighting the tide, Adam. It’s inevitable,’ she pleaded with him.

  ‘I will not be dictated to by you, Mia. I will decide. Me and only me.’ He tapped his chest.

  ‘For the love of God, make it stop,’ Charlie shouted.

  ‘NO!’ Adam roared. ‘I am her next-of-kin, not you, and I say she stays alive for as long as possible to save the baby. Do you understand? Is that clear?’

  ‘Adam, the baby isn’t going to make it,’ Johnny said.

  ‘What the fuck would you know?’ Adam yelled. ‘You can’t even hold down a job.’

  ‘How dare you –’ Mia pulled Riley to her and shushed her.

  Johnny blanched, but kept his voice calm and strong. ‘I’ve done a lot of research into it, read everything I can get my hands on. I did that because I wanted to find an answer that would let the baby be born, Adam, but every single article and expert opinion says that the foetus is simply too young to survive. If Sarah was twenty-four weeks pregnant, we’d be having a very different conversation. But none of us can change the fact that she’s only fifteen weeks.’

  Adam turned on Johnny. ‘What are you now, some kind of investigative journalist? A big medical expert? You googled a few things and you think you can tell me whether my child is viable or not? Do not come into my house and tell me what to do about my wife and my child.’ Adam was spitting with fury.

  Mia felt anger rise inside her. Johnny had been such a rock throughout all this. ‘May I remind you, Adam, that Johnny has been looking after your daughter non-stop – cooking her meals, baking with her, picking her up from school, keeping her entertained and engaged and happy? Don’t sit there all high and mighty and dictate to us. Sarah is my sister, she is Dad’s daughter, she is the centre of our world. We should have a say in how she is treated.’

  Adam stood up. ‘Out. All of you. Get out of my house.’ He punched his chest. ‘I decide what happens to my wife and my child. I will not have you second-guessing me and ordering me about. I am her husband. I am the father of that baby and I will make the decisions. I don’t want you interfering. Stay away from the hospital. Stay away from Sarah.’

  Mia was stunned. Was he actually ordering them to stay away from their own flesh and blood? ‘What? You can’t make a rule like that. We’ll bloody well see Sarah when we want to. You can’t stop Dad seeing his daughter.’

  Adam stood at the kitchen door, holding it open. ‘Charlie doesn’t want to see Sarah. He said himself he can’t take it. So stay the hell away. I don’t want you coming in and trying to guilt me into changing my mind. I don’t want any of you telling me that I’m doing the wrong thing, that it’s cruel and inhumane … I’m sick of it. I have too much to deal with, without you all wrecking my head with your opinions. I need peace. I need space. I need to be with my wife and baby. I will decide what happens and I don’t want any of you near me or Sarah.’

  Mia went over and stood in front of him. ‘You’re being ridiculous and you need to calm down. None of us are dictating to you. None of us are forcing you to do anything, but we are all Sarah’s family and we care about her and we are allowed to have an opinion. You can’t shut Dad off from seeing his daughter.’

  Adam poked Mia in the chest with his finger. ‘You’re a control freak. A total dictator. You want to turn off the ventilator, and I know that as soon as my back is turned, you’ll tell the doctors to do it. You always have to control everything. Sarah hated that, by the way. She said you suffocated her. You suffocate everyone – Johnny, Riley, everyone. W
hy don’t you sort out your own life and leave me to sort out mine?’

  Mia felt winded. She gasped for air.

  Johnny strode over and put an arm around his wife, more to hold her up than to comfort her. ‘That’s enough, Adam. I’m going to give you some leeway because you’re sleep-deprived and grieving, but I will not stay here and have you insult Mia, who was the best sister Sarah could have wished for and is a brilliant aunt to Izzy.’

  Johnny marched Mia towards the front door. Riley jumped up and followed them.

  ‘Get a grip on yourself,’ Charlie said, to his son-in-law. ‘Open your eyes and look at your wife. Look at what you’re doing to her.’

  ‘Let’s not fall out over this,’ Rob pleaded. ‘Let’s all get a night’s rest and in the morning –’

  Ignoring his brother’s efforts to broker some calm, Adam shouted, ‘I want you all out. Now. I don’t need you. I’ll deal with this myself, in my own way. Just leave us alone.’

  ‘Fuck you, Adam! Everyone’s been breaking their backs for you and Izzy, and you treat us like dirt. Fuck you!’ Riley shouted.

  For once Mia didn’t mind her daughter’s cursing.

  ‘Adam, why don’t you go and sit down? I’ll walk these guys out.’ Rob gently pushed his brother back into the kitchen and closed the door.

  ‘I don’t care how upset he is, he’s a prick,’ Johnny said angrily.

  ‘Please don’t,’ Rob said. ‘He’s not a prick, he’s a broken man.’

  ‘Are you all right, Dad?’ Mia asked her father, who was standing still, staring into space.

  ‘I’m very far from it,’ Charlie said. ‘I don’t want to see Sarah in that awful state, but I don’t want to leave her alone either. I’d feel as if I was abandoning her if I didn’t go to see her while that machine is keeping her alive.’

  Mia tried to give him a reassuring smile. ‘Of course. Don’t mind Adam. He’s not thinking straight tonight. He can’t stop you seeing your own daughter. We’ll go and see her together and you can just hold her hand, look out of the window and talk to her that way.’