Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Yes, I suppose I could. Good girl, Mia, that’s what we’ll do.’

  ‘Good. Now why don’t you go home and have a nice hot whiskey and get some sleep?’

  ‘Great idea,’ Rob said. ‘Why don’t we all get some rest and perhaps we can smooth things over when everyone’s calmed down?’

  ‘We are calm,’ Mia said pointedly. ‘You’ve got to talk some sense into him, Rob. I don’t mean force him to change his mind, but just make him see this affects all of us hugely, so we will have an opinion. But that doesn’t mean it has to tear us apart.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ Rob said. ‘He’s just so cut up about it, Mia. You’re asking him to throw away his whole future, you know.’

  Mia began to cry again – was there no end to the tears? ‘I do know that, Rob. We’re all shattered. But I have a child, as does Adam, and we have a responsibility to them too.’

  Rob nodded tiredly. ‘Jesus, no matter what he decides to do, it’s painful.’

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ Mia said. ‘Let’s see how things look then. Night, Rob.’

  She followed the others outside. Johnny had offered Charlie his arm and was helping him to the car. Her heart filled with love for her husband. He was a gem.

  ‘Well now,’ Olivia was saying, as she walked along beside them, ‘a hot whiskey won’t really do any good. I think a nice cup of nettle tea would settle him just as well.’

  ‘For the love of Jesus, Olivia,’ Mia said, ‘just give the man a strong drink for shock and also to help him sleep. He’ll collapse if he doesn’t get some rest. I’m really worried about him.’

  ‘So am I, which is why I’m encouraging healthy options,’ Olivia said. ‘I lost one husband. I don’t need to lose another.’

  He’s not your husband yet, Mia wanted to say. ‘Just please make sure he gets rest.’

  ‘Of course I will. I take great care of Charlie.’ Olivia bristled. ‘You should do the same with your husband. Men need to be minded.’

  Mia closed her eyes and tried to block out Olivia’s voice before she threw her a right hook.

  Johnny steered Mia towards their car. Her hands were shaking so much, she couldn’t click her seatbelt into place. Riley reached over and gently did it for her.

  Johnny placed his hand on her shoulder. ‘You can let go now.’

  Mia bent over and howled. She cried for her beautiful sister, for the baby that would never live, for Izzy, for her father and for herself. She cried the tears of the broken-hearted.

  33

  Riley checked her face for the millionth time in her phone mirror. She’d spent her whole lunch break locked in this toilet cubicle, applying make-up and trying to make herself look as good as possible. She’d nicked her mum’s push-up bra with the gel implants and opened her shirt button to show off her cleavage. Cleavage, for Riley, was a novelty. As Shocko had said, she had two fried eggs, but that was OK because she had good legs. It was rare to have both, her friend had told her.

  Riley knew Zach was a leg man: he’d told her he loved her legs. But Zoë had really long, toned legs from jumping over the stupid hurdles all day long, and she had good boobs too. Not too big, not too small. More apples than fried eggs, but not melons.

  Riley sprayed perfume on her neck and rubbed her hair in it. She wanted to be irresistible. She pulled at her eyes. No amount of concealer could hide her tiredness. She hadn’t been able to sleep.

  When they’d got home from that horrendous meeting last night, her mum had gone straight to bed. Riley had never seen anyone cry that much. She’d been really frightened by Mia’s breakdown in the car.

  She had wanted to check on her so she’d crept into the dark bedroom. Her mum was lying on her back, looking at the ceiling. Riley had gone to the side of the bed. Mia was lying in darkness, with just a sliver of daylight streaming through the curtains.

  ‘Hi, Mum. I just wanted to see if you needed anything. I’m sorry the meeting was so awful. I guess there is no hope for the baby, even though Adam thinks so?’

  Mia shook her head. ‘No, pet. The baby isn’t going to make it.’

  ‘Shit.’

  ‘Yep, it is. Completely and utterly shit.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’

  ‘Me, too.’

  ‘Can I get you anything? Tea, wine, vodka, Xanax?’

  Mia gave her a weak smile. ‘I’d like the last three, please. But, no, I’m just going to stay here and be sad for a while.’

  ‘Like, for a day or a week or how long?’

  ‘I don’t know, Riley.’

  ‘I’m just wondering because I kind of need a lift to school tomorrow and Dad has an interview.’

  ‘Does he?’

  ‘Oh, shit! I wasn’t supposed to tell you – he doesn’t want you getting your hopes up.’ Dad would kill her. She’d overheard him on the phone, so he’d told her about it, but he’d specifically said, ‘Don’t tell your mother. It might come to nothing.’ Why had she opened her big mouth?

  ‘Please, Mum, don’t say anything to Dad about it.’

  ‘I’ll say nothing. Pray he gets it, Riley. We need some good news.’

  ‘Does Izzy know about Sarah and the baby?’

  ‘No, it’s up to Adam to tell her.’

  ‘Poor Izzy.’

  ‘Yeah, poor little thing. Losing your mother is the worst.’ Mia began to cry again.

  ‘Well, losing your dad would suck too.’

  ‘Losing your mother is worse.’

  ‘I think losing either would be the same.’

  Riley loved both of her parents equally. If she was being honest, in the last year she’d probably loved Johnny more because he didn’t nag her all the time.

  ‘Sarah and Izzy were so close,’ Mia said. ‘They adored each other. It was such a beautiful relationship. Izzy is going to be crushed. Her life is ruined.’

  ‘I know it’s terrible, but she still has her dad.’ Riley tried to reassure her mother.

  ‘Adam’s hardly dad of the year. He doesn’t even know how to boil water.’

  ‘True, but he’ll probably meet someone.’

  ‘What?’

  Riley, not realizing what she was saying, had ploughed on: ‘Well, he’s decent-looking, has a few quid and isn’t ancient, so he’ll probably meet someone, and then Izzy will have a stepmum.’

  ‘How could you say that? Sarah isn’t even cold yet.’

  ‘What? I didn’t mean it like that – I didn’t mean it like “Let’s all forget about Sarah.” I meant … Well, I meant Izzy will probably be looked after eventually by a woman who will be nice to her and stuff.’

  ‘I just … How can you even say that? She’s only …’ Mia turned her head away and cried into her pillow.

  Riley had stood, rooted to the spot. Crap. Now she’d upset her mother even more. Why did she always say the wrong thing? She’d meant to say that Izzy would hopefully end up with a loving stepmother who would mind her and love her. But now Mia thought she was a heartless bitch who was lining women up to marry her uncle.

  ‘How about that Xanax?’ Riley had tried.

  Mia had closed her eyes. Riley had tiptoed out of the room, cursing herself.

  Now, she applied one last layer of lip gloss, pushed away the thoughts of her messed-up family and unlocked the cubicle door. She strode into drama with as much confidence as she could muster. Her stomach was doing little flips.

  Mr Warren had set up the desks, so each pair was facing each other. Riley went over and sat opposite Zach. He looked down and fiddled with his pen.

  ‘Right,’ Mr Warren said. ‘I want you to discuss your chosen book or play and start working out some of the themes you’re going to debate.’

  ‘What are we doing then?’ Zach finally looked up at Riley. God, his eyes. So blue, so sexy. ‘The life and times of the Dalai Lama, I suppose.’ Zach sighed.

  Riley pretended the dig hadn’t stung. I’m raw, she wanted to shout. My aunt is dead, kind of, almost, and her baby is going to die and my mum’s ha
ving a nervous breakdown and my uncle’s being a prick and my dad has no job and my life is hell.

  Mia had barely spoken that morning when she was driving Riley to school. She looked so old and sad. Riley had tried to talk to her, but Mia just kept crying silently, like someone with serious mental-health issues. Riley was scared, really scared. Her mum was the rock of the family. Mia held them all together. She sorted out problems, paid bills, ordered everyone about. That was how they worked. That was their family rhythm. But now she was quiet and heartbroken, and Riley had felt sick all morning thinking about her mum being broken. She wanted Mia to shout at her or nag her or criticize her – something. But she was just like this empty shell of a person. Riley had leaned over to hug her, and Mia had stayed still, hands on the steering wheel, not moving, not noticing. It was as if Riley wasn’t there. Mia had gone somewhere else in her mind and Riley was frightened.

  ‘I chose Little Women actually.’

  ‘Never heard of it. Is it about pygmies being mistreated in the Amazon or something?’ Zach rolled his eyes.

  Riley willed herself to stay calm. ‘No, it’s a novel about four sisters.’

  ‘Not the one with Mr Darcy that my mum loves?’ Zach groaned.

  ‘No, it’s about the March family. There are four teenage sisters. The dad has lost all his money and gone off to join the American Civil War as a pastor. Meg and Jo March, the two older girls, have to work to support the family. Beth, who is shy and delicate, stays at home and helps with housework, and the youngest, Amy, is still at school. Meg is beautiful, Jo is a tomboy, Beth is a pianist, Amy is an artist. Their neighbour, Mr Laurence, who is really rich, has a grandson, Laurie, who Jo becomes best friends with, but then her sister Amy, who is spoilt, ends up running off with him, which is totally unfair because Laurie loves Jo. Like, he really loves her, but he just gets his head turned by Amy cos she’s pretty and flirty, but she’s thick and stupid and selfish, and Jo’s brilliant and smart and strong. But Laurie marries Amy in the end, which is just wrong.’

  ‘Well, maybe this Laurie guy is happy with the pretty, flirty sister.’

  ‘Why would he be? Jo’s so much better. He loves Jo.’

  ‘Well, he obviously loves Amy more.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t. He just gets dazzled by her and she’s a manipulative cow who lures him in when Jo isn’t around.’

  ‘Well, then, Laurie’s a dork.’

  ‘He isn’t. He’s a really nice guy, too nice.’

  ‘A nice guy still isn’t going to marry someone he doesn’t love. He might shag Amy, but he wouldn’t marry her.’

  ‘They didn’t go around shagging each other in the old days. No one had sex before marriage – they barely even kissed. And if Laurie had slept with Amy, I don’t think Jo would ever have forgiven him or married him.’

  ‘So why didn’t she propose to him if she loved him? Why did she wait around for him to fall for her sister?’

  ‘The thing is, Laurie proposed to Jo and she said no. But I don’t think she really meant it. She did love him.’

  Zach snorted. ‘Come on! The dude asks her to marry him and she says no. No means no. Isn’t that what we keep hearing women say? So if she says no, then what’s he supposed to think? That she really meant “Not now, maybe later”? Whichever way you look at it, it’s a kick in the face for him.’

  ‘But he knew her. He understood her. He knew she was complicated. He should have just waited a bit and tried to persuade her more.’

  Zach shook his head. ‘Why? Why should he run around begging or waiting for years for Jo to finally decide to marry him? He asked, she said no, so why is it wrong of him to go for the sexy younger sister?’

  ‘I never said she was sexy.’

  ‘Pretty, cute, whatever.’

  ‘She was selfish and vain, and thought she was better than everyone, and she just wanted Laurie because he was rich. Amy was not a good person like Jo was.’

  ‘Maybe Laurie didn’t care about that. Maybe he just wanted a hot wife.’

  Riley glared at him. ‘Are men really that shallow?’

  ‘Why is it shallow to want a good-looking wife?’

  ‘Don’t men want someone they can talk to, not just look at? And, FYI, looks fade, minds grow.’

  ‘Maybe some men want to marry someone who will look good and not want to discuss the American Civil War or whatever over breakfast every morning.’

  ‘Maybe some men are pathetic and shallow, and when they look across the breakfast table one morning and see a woman with wrinkles and saggy boobs talking about getting a new bonnet, they’ll want to shoot themselves.’

  ‘What’s a bonnet?’

  ‘Hat.’

  ‘I suppose that would be kind of boring.’

  Riley beamed inside. Outwardly she just shrugged.

  ‘Actually, I was thinking about you the other night.’

  Riley’s heart pounded. ‘Yeah?’ She tried to sound nonchalant.

  ‘Yeah. My dad was watching this documentary about the Vietnam war and I sat down for just a minute but then I got really into it. Did you know that the Vietnam war lasted nearly twenty years and is the longest war in the history of the US? And, like, more than three million people were killed during the conflict? But only fifty-eight thousand of them were Americans.’

  Riley grinned. She was about to say, ‘Yes, I did know that because I read this really amazing book called Born on the Fourth of July’, but instead she said, ‘No, wow, that’s really interesting.’

  Zach beamed at her. ‘I know, right?’

  Riley basked in the glow of his smile. If she had to play down her knowledge a tiny bit, so what? He was worth it.

  ‘So, what happens to the other two sisters in the story?’ Zach asked, looking at the book Riley was holding and breaking that lovely spell.

  ‘Meg marries Laurie’s tutor and then Beth gets really sick. And Jo is the one who looks after her and tries to make her better. She loves Beth so much she just can’t bear to see her so sick.’

  ‘Does Beth get better?’

  Riley shook her head. ‘No, she doesn’t, she gets worse, and Jo is so upset. And then Beth, well … she dies.’ Riley ducked her head because she suddenly felt a tsunami of emotions rising inside her. Beth dies, just like Sarah and now the baby too. Riley could see her beautiful aunt in the hospital bed with all those tubes sticking out of her. She tried to shake away the memory and think of Sarah alive and smiling, but she couldn’t.

  ‘Uhm, are you OK?’

  Riley croaked, ‘Sorry, it’s just my aunt.’

  ‘The one in the coma?’

  ‘She’s dead,’ Riley whispered.

  Zach reached out and took her hand. ‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. I know you were close to her. I remember you talking about her. Sarah, right?’

  Riley nodded. He remembered.

  ‘Look, do you want to go home? We can do this another time. You’ve got way too much going on.’

  Riley shook her head. ‘No, I want to stay here and do this. It’s a good distraction.’

  What she really wanted was for Zach to scoop her up. She wanted to sit on his knee and lay her head on his chest and feel his strong arms around her and hear him whisper in her ear, ‘You rock.’

  She wanted to tell him how much she hurt. She wanted to tell him she was doing everything wrong. She was saying the wrong things to her mother and father and everyone. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and that she needed him right now. She needed to know he was there for her. She wanted to talk, to FaceTime him for hours every night, and have him tell her she was great and that it was going to be OK. That her mum would be OK, that her little cousin would be OK, that her dad would get a job and they wouldn’t be kicked out of the house, like she her heard her mum tell her dad they might. She wanted Zach to tell her she was gorgeous and special and not a stupid loser, who wasn’t helping anyone and kept putting her foot in it. She wanted to tell him that she loved her mother and wanted Mia to know that, but she coul
dn’t find the words. She wanted to tell him that her life at home was hell. She wanted to tell him that she had never felt so alone or sad.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Zach asked.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll be fine. You know me, I’m strong,’ Riley said.

  ‘Look, Riley, I’m sorry about –’

  Harry’s fat arse landed in the middle of their table. ‘So, what are you guys doing? I bet Riley’s making you do some worthy book like Nelson Mandela’s autobiography that’s, like, four thousand pages long.’

  ‘No, we’re doing Little Women.’

  ‘What’s that about? Midgets being discriminated against?’

  ‘No, it’s about these four sisters who –’

  ‘Let me guess, lesbians looking for equality?’ Harry cut across Zach.

  ‘No, you fuckwit, it isn’t,’ Riley snapped.

  ‘Oooooh, Riley’s riled up. What are you going to do? Throw a drink over me while simultaneously concussing yourself?’ Harry cracked up laughing. ‘God, I wish someone had filmed that moment. Priceless.’ Harry slapped Zach on the back. ‘Zach really does have women falling at his feet.’

  ‘Shut up,’ Zach said.

  ‘Relax. You can’t help being a stud. I’d like a piece of Zoë action – now, she’s hot. You certainly traded up there,’ Harry said. ‘No offence, Riley.’

  ‘Fuck off, Harry, you’re being a dick,’ Zach snapped.

  ‘No offence taken, you vile ginger mutant,’ Riley said, forcing tears back behind her eyeballs. No way was this bastard going to make her cry.

  ‘Ginger is in. Look at Prince Harry, same name, same hair colour and he’s with a ride.’

  ‘I wonder would that have any little thing to do with the fact that he’s a prince and you’re a … a … What’s the word? Oh, yeah – a lobotomized arsehole.’

  Harry glared at her. ‘What’s lobotomized?’

  Zach grinned. ‘I think it means you’re not just an arsehole, you’re a stupid one too.’ He winked at Riley. ‘Right?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  Harry stomped off in a huff, muttering, ‘I’ll lobotomized you.’

  Riley looked at Zach and they laughed.

  ‘Sorry,’ Zach said.