Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Izzy took off her glasses and began to clean them furiously, using the hem of her skirt. ‘I know already. Me and Mummy looked at loads of photos of girls on their Communion Day and we decided on the nicest hairstyle. Mummy has a photo of it on her phone.’

  ‘OK. Whatever happens, you will have beautiful hair and your stunning dress.’

  ‘I love my dress. Do you remember when Mummy made me try it on for you and I kept twirling until I got dizzy and fell down?’

  Mia smiled. ‘Yes, I do.’

  Izzy put her glasses back on. Her eyes shone. ‘It’s going to be an amazing day. Mummy will wake up and I’m having a bouncy castle and a chocolate fountain, and you and Daddy will be friends again and everything will be nice and no one will be sad. All the badness will be over.’

  Mia bent down and hugged her.

  ‘Ouch, Mia, too tight.’

  ‘Sorry, pet. I just love you so much and your mum was always so proud of you.’

  ‘I’m proud of her too. I know she’s strong and she’ll fight the lump in her head and wake up.’

  Mia smiled and turned away before the tears came.

  Johnny’s head snapped up from the newspaper he was reading. He gripped Mia’s arm. ‘Do you hear that?’

  Mia cocked her head. ‘No, it couldn’t be.’

  ‘It must be the radio.’

  They listened.

  ‘I think it is,’ Johnny said.

  ‘She’s singing.’

  ‘She never sings.’

  ‘Ever. Quick, I hear footsteps.’

  Mia pulled Johnny away from the door and they pretended to be busy boiling the kettle together when Riley walked into the kitchen, still singing.

  ‘Act normal,’ Johnny whispered.

  ‘Morning,’ Riley said. ‘How are you today, Mum? Did you sleep? Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get the coffee?’

  ‘Go with it,’ Johnny hissed.

  ‘Fitfully, and I’d love you to make me coffee.’ Mia winked at Johnny.

  Riley hummed as she waited for the kettle to boil. Mia and Johnny eyed her suspiciously.

  ‘She seems, dare I say it, happy,’ Mia whispered. ‘This is amazing. The teenage angst must be over. Everyone says it breaks at about sixteen and she’s nearly sixteen. Hurrah.’

  Johnny shook his head. ‘I dunno, Mia. I’ve seen guys this happy and it’s always after getting laid.’

  ‘What?’ Mia gasped.

  Johnny shushed her. ‘I’m not saying that’s what it is, but I think a boy might be involved in this new-found joy.’

  ‘We have to find out. You ask.’ Mia poked him.

  He poked her back. ‘No way, you ask.’

  ‘She’ll bite my head off. You do it.’

  Riley came over, bringing coffee and hot buttered toast. ‘What are you two whispering about? Not more bad news, I hope. Oh, my God, Mum, is Sarah …?’

  ‘No, love, everything’s the same,’ Mia assured her.

  Johnny sipped his coffee. ‘So … you seem in good form today.’

  Riley smiled. ‘Yeah, I guess I am.’

  ‘Any particular reason?’ Johnny asked.

  Riley blushed. ‘Yes, but I’m not going to tell you.’

  ‘Did you have sex?’ Mia blurted out.

  Riley spluttered. She wiped coffee off her chin. ‘No, I did not, not that it’s any of your business.’

  ‘Thank God for that.’

  ‘But there is a boy involved in all your … ah … shall we say, good form?’ Johnny said.

  ‘Stop digging, Dad. I’m not telling.’

  ‘Riley, pet, you haven’t sung or hummed or cracked much of a smile since 2015. Let us enjoy this moment.’ Johnny grinned at her.

  ‘Bit harsh,’ Riley said.

  ‘Is it?’ Johnny replied.

  ‘Yes. I smiled at Christmas when you got me the new iPhone.’ Riley smirked.

  ‘And there’s another one. Jesus, Riley, stop or I’ll have to put on sunglasses from the glare of your happiness.’ Johnny laughed.

  ‘Sod off, Dad, you’re such a freak.’

  ‘And now we’re back to normal.’ Johnny grinned.

  ‘No, cos I’m still smiling.’ Riley got up from the table and hummed as she left the kitchen.

  Mia and Johnny turned to each other. ‘She’s happy and she didn’t have sex, thank God,’ Mia said.

  ‘Yet,’ Johnny said. ‘A sixteen-year-old boy’s involved in the bliss, and sex will be on the agenda. You need to talk to her.’

  ‘Why me?’

  ‘Because you’re a woman.’

  ‘Yes, but you’re a man so you understand male urges. You can explain to her that she should not have sex until she’s twenty-five, but that if she decides to, she needs to make this boy use a condom and that boys like girls who aren’t easy.’

  ‘Are you winding me up?’

  ‘No, I’m deadly serious. It’ll be much stronger coming from you. I’ll talk to her about the pill, but you need to do the condom chat, and mention STDs too.’

  ‘Ah, Jesus, Mia.’

  Mia kissed his cheek. ‘It’s called parenting and protection, Johnny. Make sure you really drive home how much boys respect girls who don’t have sex until they’ve been going out with each other for ages, like, a year or so.’

  ‘Why can’t you say it all in the car on the way to school?’

  ‘I’ve just explained. You can do it later, while I visit Sarah, and then it’ll be sorted.’

  Johnny looked far from convinced. ‘Are you heading to the hospital after school?’

  Mia nodded. ‘I need to see her. I don’t know if I’ll get in, but I have to try.’

  ‘Keep calm if you bump into Adam.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Mia?’

  ‘I’ll try.’

  As Mia was getting her car keys, Johnny’s phone rang. He looked at the number and coloured. He moved into the lounge and closed the door. Mia went to the hall to put her coat on. She leaned towards the door. She could hear Johnny saying, ‘Just give me a few more days to sort things out and I’ll have the article for you.’

  Riley joined her, bag slung over her shoulder. They headed out to the car.

  ‘I just heard your dad saying something on the phone about an article,’ Mia said. ‘Wonder what that’s about.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Riley said, ‘there’s definitely something happening. I heard him talking to someone yesterday and it sounded like he was working with them. He was talking about the article needing more time to fine-tune or something. I thought he was going to announce a new job.’

  ‘Really?’ Mia said, turning to look at her. ‘You genuinely heard that?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Riley said. ‘I could be wrong, like, but he was cagey about it when I asked, so I reckoned he wasn’t ready to tell us yet. Maybe the article is, like, a test and then he’ll get the job.’

  Mia smiled. ‘Finally some good news,’ she said. ‘These last months have been so bloody long and unending. If Johnny’s found work, I’ll be able to breathe a bit more again. Oh, please let him get the job.’

  ‘It’d be great for you and him. Fingers crossed.’

  They drove to school, Riley humming and Mia smiling. Johnny was being offered work. A weight lifted from her shoulders. It was a tiny sliver of bright hope in the horrible darkness Mia was living in right now. Riley was happy and Johnny was working. The world seemed a little less bleak.

  42

  Rob finished filling the dishwasher, popped in a tablet and pressed the button to start the programme. He looked around and nodded, satisfied. The kitchen was clean and tidy again, just as Sarah would like it. Adam had been too distracted to notice the mess. Rob felt it was important that the place looked like home to Izzy. He was so worried about her and was doing anything that would help to keep her life at least partly normal.

  He went to check on Adam, who was packing a bag of fresh pyjamas for Sarah.

  ‘Hey, are you heading to the hospital soon?’ Rob asked.
r />   ‘They just rang,’ Adam said, as he folded Sarah’s things carefully. ‘There are some new complications that need attention, so they asked for no visitors until about one. I’ll go in then.’

  Rob spotted an opportunity for some time out, which he badly needed. ‘Would you mind if I went for a walk?’ he said. ‘I’ll be back by then.’

  ‘Of course,’ Adam replied. ‘You don’t need to check in with me, bro. Take a walk any time you need it.’

  ‘Great,’ Rob said, trying to keep the relief off his face. ‘I’ll change my shoes and head out for a while, then.’

  He put on his trainers and a fresh T-shirt, called goodbye to Adam, then stepped outside. Alone. It was a warm May day, and it smelt beautiful. Rob felt like he’d never scrub the hospital smell off his skin as long as he lived: it was ingrained in his pores. The thought of a long walk in the fresh air made him giddy with excitement. He’d do anything for Adam, he was doing everything possible for Adam, but, man, it was hard. The days were just running together in their horrible routine: Sarah got a little worse every day, the doctors got more stressed and Adam more entrenched in his lonely position. It was taking every bit of Rob’s strength just to get through the hours and stay patient and supportive.

  He began to walk, not caring what direction. After ten minutes or so, he realized he was heading towards Izzy’s school, although it would take another forty minutes’ walking to get there. That sounded perfect. He could stretch his legs, maybe catch a private chat with Mia and also check in on Izzy. He strode along, enjoying using his muscles again.

  When he reached the school gates, he suddenly realized that a random man turning up and standing outside was not a good idea. He could hear the kids in the yard, screaming like seagulls. He consulted his watch. Must be what Izzy calls ‘little break’. He took out his phone and scrolled through to find Mia’s number.

  She answered breathlessly. ‘Rob? Did something happen?’

  ‘No, not at all. I just … Well, I know it’s a bit mad but I came out for some fresh air and I actually walked to the school. I wondered if you’d have five minutes to chat.’

  ‘You’re outside our gate?’ Mia said, sounding surprised.

  ‘Yeah. I’m down the road a little because I don’t want to be arrested.’

  She laughed. ‘I’d better come and save you, then. Be with you in two minutes.’

  He walked slowly back towards the gate and Mia appeared, smiling at him. She unlocked it and let him in. They made their way through the kids barrelling around the yard like they’d just been let off leashes. It was mayhem.

  ‘How do they not kill each other?’ Rob said. ‘There must be a hundred collisions a day.’

  ‘You’d be amazed,’ Mia said, opening the door to the school. ‘It’s like they have some inbuilt self-preservation navigation system. You see hair’s breadth near-misses, but we have very few actual crashes.’

  ‘Is Izzy out there?’ he said.

  ‘I let her go over to Riley’s yard, the senior yard. It’s quieter there and she can chat to Riley.’ She looked at him guiltily. ‘I’m not doing that to annoy Adam,’ she said urgently. ‘Please don’t tell him I said that. I just thought Izzy needed …’

  Rob put his hand on her arm. ‘It’s fine, Mia. I’m not here to spy on you. Whatever Izzy needs, I’m very happy to give her. She’s missing you guys like crazy.’

  Mia’s face fell. ‘We miss her. It’s wrong for her to be caught in the crossfire.’

  She led Rob into her office and closed the door behind him. A blissful silence descended when the screaming mob was blocked out.

  ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

  Rob smiled. ‘I’ve got caffeine running through my veins instead of blood. I am most definitely OK for coffee.’

  ‘I hear you,’ Mia said. ‘I’m running on coffee and sorrow at the moment.’

  ‘It’s horrendous,’ Rob said.

  ‘You look exhausted,’ Mia said. ‘You get sidelined a lot, but I know this is really hard for you. You’re in the middle, and you’re trying to do your best by Adam.’

  Rob sighed deeply. ‘Yeah, it’s been hard. I miss Ellen as well, but when I ring her, we argue because she’s so appalled at what’s happening to Sarah.’

  ‘So it’s not just me and Dad,’ Mia said.

  ‘No, it’s really not. I can’t bear to see Sarah as she is, and it gets harder every day.’

  ‘But you can’t get through to Adam?’ Mia asked.

  ‘No, I can’t. I’ve really tried. I’m being his ally, because he needs one, but at the same time I’m questioning him and trying to get him to discuss the options.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mia said.

  ‘Don’t thank me because I’m failing miserably to reach him,’ Rob said. ‘He’s an island. Me, the doctors, you guys, Izzy, we’re all circling but we can’t get to him. To be fair to him, I reckon he feels under siege. He can’t think straight.’

  ‘I can’t lie, I want to kill him at the moment,’ Mia said, ‘but at the same time I know he’s hurting so much. It’s a life sentence for him, and I suppose we can’t be surprised that he’s finding it impossible to accept.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s how I feel,’ Rob said. ‘That’s why I’m going easy on him. The updates that Dr Mayhew gives him are unbelievably grim, but he’s blocking it all out. He just can’t let go.’

  Mia nodded. ‘I know, but time is going to force his hand anyway. I just hope there’s a change sooner rather than later.’

  ‘I’ll keep trying,’ Rob said, feeling weary at the thought. ‘I did achieve one small victory last night, though.’

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘I talked to him a lot about you and Charlie, and he’s agreed you can visit for one hour per day, under my supervision.’

  ‘Really? Jesus, I’m amazed,’ Mia said. ‘The UN should hire you. That’s some negotiating skill you’ve got.’

  Rob laughed. It felt good, like a release. He felt like he hadn’t laughed since landing in Ireland. ‘It took a while, but behind the fear and the anger, Adam is still there, and Adam is a good guy, you know.’

  ‘I do,’ Mia said. ‘We’ve never totally seen eye to eye, but I was so grateful that he adored Sarah and made her happy. When do my visiting rights start? I was planning to go in to see her after school today.’

  ‘Shouldn’t be a problem,’ he said. ‘Hang on.’ He took out his phone and sent a text. A moment later, his phone lit up. He held up the screen for Mia to see. It said: OK.

  ‘That’s great,’ Mia said. ‘I was so worried about another confrontation today. I can’t take much more.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad I could help,’ Rob said.

  ‘And what about Izzy?’ Mia said. ‘Any chance of visitation rights there?’

  ‘I’ll work on it,’ Rob said, ‘but it’s a touchy subject. I’m so worried about her, Mia. How do you think she’s doing?’

  Mia rubbed her forehead. Another headache was starting. ‘Not good,’ she said. ‘Her teacher mentioned it to me as well. She’s withdrawn, and she’s started cleaning her glasses compulsively.’

  Rob nodded. ‘She does it, like, a thousand times at home every day.’

  ‘It’s a coping mechanism, I suppose,’ Mia said, ‘but it points to the stress she’s under. The worst thing, though, is that she truly believes Sarah will wake up on her Communion Day. I honestly don’t know how Adam could or should handle it, but she’s pinned all her hopes on it. I’m terrified of what will happen that day.’

  ‘Yeah, she keeps saying it to me too,’ Rob said, sighing again. ‘I can’t tell her otherwise without Adam’s say-so. He has gently tried to suggest Sarah won’t wake up, but Izzy just tunes it out. Like father, like daughter!’

  The bell rang, signalling the end of break.

  ‘I’d better get out of your way,’ Rob said.

  ‘You’re so good to have come all this way to tell me in person,’ Mia said, smiling at him. ‘We just have t
o keep believing we’ll all get through this and come out the other side together.’

  ‘It’s hard to keep the faith right now, especially when everyone is so worn down, but it can’t stay like this for ever, that much is for sure.’

  ‘I’ll let Dad know that he can go in,’ Mia said. ‘He just wants one more visit, to say goodbye.’

  ‘No problem,’ Rob said. ‘I’ll be there to help him as well.’

  ‘Are you going back there now?’ Mia asked. ‘Do you want a lift?’

  ‘No, it’s fine. They asked us to stay away this morning because they’re treating some fresh complications.’

  ‘Oh, God, no – what?’ Mia asked worriedly.

  ‘Adam didn’t say, but we’re going in for about one o’clock. So I’ll walk back and then drive in with him. I just really needed the fresh air and exercise.’

  ‘I know I’ve said it before, but feel free to walk over to us any time.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, standing up. ‘And thanks for looking out for Izzy.’

  ‘We’ll do our best,’ Mia said. ‘I’ll walk you out.’

  Rob followed her back through the corridors and across the yard to the main gate. It was quiet now. She unlocked the gate and locked it again behind him.

  ‘I guess I’ll see you later,’ Rob said.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll be in about half four, if you want to warn Adam. And thanks so much again for sorting this.’

  Rob walked away, glad that he had helped, but also burdened by all that he couldn’t change. His brother was locked away behind his grief and pain, and he was powerless to set him free.

  43

  Mia went through her usual routine of hand-sanitizing, apron, gloves and mask. Angela popped out of Sarah’s room. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi there. Are you finished?’ Mia asked.

  ‘Yes, you can go in now. How long do you have?’

  ‘One hour, on the clock,’ Mia said.

  ‘I’m glad you were able to work something out,’ Angela said.

  ‘Rob is supposed to sit in with me, but he’s very kindly offered to stay in the waiting room so I can have some time alone with her. But if Adam should ask you, say that Rob and I were in there the whole time.’