Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I brought some photos for us to look at, to try to remember her as she was.’

  Mia took one last long drag from her cigarette. They were sitting on two foldout chairs in the shade, under the ‘climbing tree’, as she and Sarah had called it when they were kids. The leaves rustled in the light breeze and all that could be heard were birds twittering and the very faint sound of cars on the road. Mia looked down the long, narrow garden to the back of the house. Home. This was our home, she thought.

  A sharp memory flooded her mind. She remembered jumping in and out of the sprinklers with Sarah that really hot summer when she was about thirteen and Sarah was eight. She could picture her little sister in her red polka-dot swimsuit that she was so proud of. Mia bent over and pretended to put her cup down. She didn’t want Charlie to know she was fighting to breathe because the pain of the memory was so great.

  She felt a hand on her back. ‘The memories come so suddenly they can really knock you sideways,’ Charlie said.

  Mia sat up slowly. ‘I could see her running around in her red polka-dot togs, jumping in and out of the sprinkler.’

  Charlie nodded. ‘I remember those. Your mother bought them for her in France. Sarah was like a peacock in them. Her “French togs”.’

  They both laughed. Mia pulled an envelope out of her bag. ‘It’s funny how we don’t have photos, these days. They’re all on our phones or in the i-cloud or whatever it’s called. I miss physical photos. They really are snapshots of our lives.’

  Mia handed him her favourite photo. It was of Charlie and Sarah standing in the archway of the church, about to walk down the aisle on her wedding day. They were looking at each other, beaming from ear to ear. Joy and love radiated from the photo.

  ‘Oh,’ Charlie whispered. He held it up to his face. ‘She was magnificent.’

  Mia nodded. She was gazing at the other photo she had brought. It was one of Mia, Sarah and their mum. They were all giggling. It was Sarah’s tenth birthday and Penny had made an ice-cream cake, which was melting. Mia was trying to hold up the left side, and Penny tried to do the same with the other, while Sarah blew out the candles.

  ‘You think when your daughters meet nice men, marry and have families of their own that your job is done. You can finally breathe easy. You can put your feet up and stop worrying. You can enjoy your grandchildren without any of the stress of parenting. And then …’

  ‘It was so sudden.’

  ‘She’s gone but she’s not gone. That’s almost the hardest part. I want it to end now, Mia.’ Charlie’s voice was hoarse with exhaustion. ‘I want to lay my little girl to rest.’ He took a third cigarette out of the packet and lit it with shaking hands. ‘I’ve actually started praying the baby will die. Imagine, a man praying that his own grandchild will die. But it’s the only way Adam will stop this.’

  Mia felt tears running down her cheeks. ‘Me too. I want Sarah and the baby to be buried and at peace, together.’

  ‘What a mess.’ Charlie exhaled a long puff of smoke.

  ‘I’ll try talking to Adam again. Maybe he’ll see sense.’

  Charlie shook his head. ‘He won’t stop until it’s over. And I can understand it, in a way. I remember having to let your mother go. I didn’t want to – I wanted to cling to her, wanted her to keep fighting, but she was so weak, it wasn’t right. I had to let her go. It’s a decision that Adam will live with for the rest of his life. I saw that little boy on the scan – good strong heartbeat. He looked so safe and alive. My heart breaks for Sarah. I’m glad she died before the baby – it would have killed her to lose him. As hard as it is for us, it’s tougher on Adam. I suppose we need to remember that.’

  ‘Yes, but he can’t block us from seeing her. It’s not right or fair.’

  ‘I agree,’ Charlie said. ‘I just don’t have any fight left in me.’

  ‘I’ll fight for you, Dad. I’ll make sure you get in to see her and say goodbye.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve decided I would like to see her one more time, after all, just to whisper a few words in her ear. The last time I saw her was so awful … I was so shocked.’

  ‘We all were. I’ll get you in, Dad. I’ll talk to Angela and make sure we avoid Adam.’

  ‘You’re a good girl, Mia, a great girl. The brandy and cigarettes were a tonic.’

  Mia smiled at her father and felt a kind of calm wash over her. This was a moment she’d remember, always.

  ‘CHARLIE WILSON!’ Olivia screeched. ‘Put that filthy cancer stick down immediately.’

  Charlie jumped and dropped the cigarette.

  Olivia marched down the garden towards them, her face bright red. ‘I leave you in charge for one hour and you have him smoking. Are you trying to kill him, is that it? Do you want him to die too?’

  ‘Jeez, calm down Olivia, it was a couple of cigarettes.’

  ‘My Gerald died of lung cancer due to smoking. I will not let that happen to Charlie. You have just ruined twenty-five years of nicotine-free life for Charlie.’

  ‘He’s not going to die of lung cancer after three cigarettes or start smoking twenty a day again,’ Mia said.

  ‘You’re a bad influence.’

  Mia looked at Charlie. ‘He said he enjoyed them.’

  ‘Well, now, that’s not exactly true. Mia thought they’d help me relax. I didn’t even really like it. Rotten taste in my mouth. Don’t get yourself worked up about it, Olivia, my darling. I won’t smoke again.’

  ‘That’s what all addicts say,’ Olivia retorted.

  ‘I won’t. Mia, take them with you and don’t bring them to the house again, please.’ Charlie handed her the packet.

  Olivia turned to walk away.

  ‘Judas,’ Mia muttered.

  ‘It’s called self-preservation,’ Charlie whispered. ‘Hand me that packet.’

  ‘No way! I’m not having her accusing me of trying to murder you.’

  Charlie grabbed the packet from Mia’s hand. ‘I’ll make sure she never finds them.’

  Mia let go of the packet and watched her sixty-nine-year-old father stuff them down the front of his trousers, like a naughty schoolboy.

  40

  Riley stood in assembly with her hands clenched. Her nails made little half-moon indents in her palms.

  The headmistress, Mrs Moloney, was beaming. ‘And now a very special announcement. Zoë Karsdale came fourth in the All-Ireland hurdle final yesterday. We are very proud of Zoë and this incredible achievement.’

  Everyone cheered and whooped. Riley wanted to throw up. Zoë pretended to be embarrassed, but still managed to wave and strut up to the stage to be congratulated by Mrs Moloney.

  ‘As Zoë just missed out on a medal, we are presenting her with our very own medal here today.’

  Zoë’s hand flew up to her mouth in a fake ‘What? No way!’ move. Riley glanced at Zach – he was clapping and whooping with the rest.

  Mrs Moloney put the fake medal around Zoë’s neck and everyone cheered.

  ‘Merci – I mean, thank you so much, Mrs Moloney,’ Zoë gushed. ‘I’m so touched by this gesture. I have to thank Mr Green, our sports teacher, for encouraging me and also I have to especially thank Zach for all the extra hours he put in, helping me to push harder and aim higher. Zach, you’re amazing.’

  All the boys around Zach began to whistle. He smiled and blushed bright red.

  In a second Riley went from angry to devastated. He really liked her. He was into Zoë. It was over. She might as well accept it. Zach loved Zoë and Riley was never going to get him back.

  Mr Warren raised his voice to get their attention. ‘Class, I need everyone to really focus. This assignment needs to be in next week so I want to see some serious progress today. I’ll be coming around to each pair to see how far you’ve progressed.’

  Zach tapped his pen against his teeth. ‘We need to get moving on this.’

  Riley sat back in her chair and shrugged. She was done making an effort. She hadn’t even put on lip gloss before class. Wha
t was the point? He wasn’t into her. Zach wasn’t going to scoop her into his arms and console her about Sarah. He wasn’t going to tell her she was great and her dad would get a job and her mum would stop looking so heartbroken and that everything would go back to normal.

  ‘Do you want to talk about our different points of view, then write some stuff down?’ Zach suggested.

  ‘Sure, whatever.’ Riley bit her thumbnail.

  ‘Psst, Zach,’ Harry hissed, from the desk beside them. ‘Does Frank Green know your extra training with Zoë includes a lot of horizontal jogging?’ He sniggered.

  ‘Shut up, Harry.’ Zach frowned and turned back to Riley.

  Riley concentrated really hard on her notes and not crying.

  ‘I haven’t had sex with Zoë,’ Zach said quietly.

  ‘What you do with Zoë is your own business.’

  ‘Yeah, but I just wanted you to … Well, we haven’t.’

  Riley looked up. ‘OK.’

  Zach fiddled with his pen. ‘So, I read the book.’

  ‘Did you? Or did you watch the movie?’

  ‘No, Riley, I read the book. I liked it.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, really. It’s a bit slow to start and the mother is a bit too much of a saint to be real, but I liked the girls and Laurie and the granddad.’

  ‘Which of the sisters did you like best?’ Riley asked.

  ‘Which do you think?’

  ‘Amy.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because she’s pretty and fun and uncomplicated.’

  ‘Selfish and conceited, too.’

  Riley looked at him. ‘Did you just say conceited?’

  He grinned. ‘Yeah, I had to look it up. But she is, she’s really into herself.’

  Riley nodded. ‘But so are lots of girls. Half the girls in this school are obsessed with make-up and hair extensions.’

  ‘You can be into how you look without being selfish. You wear make-up.’

  ‘Yes, but I don’t spend ninety per cent of my time focusing on how I look. I actually have a life outside staring in the mirror.’

  ‘So do lots of other girls.’

  ‘Like Zoë?’

  ‘She spends a lot of her free time training, so she doesn’t get all that much time to stare in the mirror.’

  Riley didn’t want to talk about Zoë. ‘So you didn’t like Amy?’

  ‘No. I liked Meg, Beth, and I kind of liked Jo.’

  Riley glared at him. ‘How can you “kind of like” Jo? Jo is the heroine of the book. If it wasn’t for Jo, the family would have starved. She is brave and ballsy and never pretends to be someone she isn’t. She doesn’t try to fit in with all those stupid, spoiled party girls. She is who she is and she’s brilliant.’

  ‘I agree. The reason I said I kind of liked her is because she turns Laurie down. That drove me nuts. It’s so stupid. Why does she do that? He’s a great guy.’

  ‘Well, she doesn’t think they’d make a good couple because his life is all posh parties and small-talk and Jo hates all that stupid meaningless stuff. She doesn’t want to talk about pointless crap, she wants to talk about real things and she wants to dress the way she likes and not have to look the same as everyone else. So, she knows she’ll make Laurie’s life difficult because his friends won’t like her or approve of her.’

  ‘He doesn’t care about all that. He tells her he loves her and he wants to be with her. She turns him down. Laurie tries to persuade her.’

  ‘Yeah, well, he should have tried harder. If you really love someone, you should never stop trying. I hate Laurie because he gave up too easily.’

  ‘He’s a great guy, generous, kind and fun too.’

  ‘He’s weak and he didn’t fight for Jo.’

  ‘If a girl turns you down, how are you supposed to know that if you just tried harder she’d change her mind?’

  ‘Because, Zach, if you really love someone, you don’t let them go, or if you do, you make sure you get them back.’

  ‘I think Jo sometimes makes Laurie feel like he’s not smart or serious enough.’

  ‘Well, she’s right, he isn’t. He’s so stupid and weak that he ends up marrying the wrong sister.’

  ‘Why can’t she look at his good traits?’

  ‘She does, she loves him, but she knows he’s too weak to be able to stand her never fitting into his crowd. Jo is so brave and generous that she lets him go.’

  ‘Bullshit, she’s the stupid one. She gives up the chance of a life of love, fun and luxury because she looks down on his friends.’

  ‘It’s called sacrifice. She sacrifices her happiness so he can marry a stupid girl who’ll slot into his life and won’t make waves or embarrass him.’

  Zach threw down his pen. ‘It’s called being stubborn and narrow-minded. Opposites do attract and marry and have great lives. She could have made it work. Instead she made him feel bad about his friends and his life and for having fun and being carefree.’

  ‘That’s not fair. She supported him and loved him and was a great friend to him. She just wanted him to be better, to be more, to reach his potential.’

  ‘You should accept people the way they are and not try to change them.’

  ‘I agree,’ Riley said.

  ‘Then what are we arguing about?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Riley chewed her lower lip.

  ‘I never tried to change you,’ Zach whispered.

  ‘I’m sorry if you think I tried to change you.’

  ‘You’re my Jo.’

  Riley smiled. ‘I guess that makes you my Laurie.’

  ‘Should we try to change the end of the story?’

  ‘What about “Amy” and her hurdle training and her medals and her “fun” side?’

  Zach grinned. ‘“Amy” is lovely, but I’ve had enough “fun”. I miss Jo. I want Jo back.’

  ‘But Laurie really seemed to like Amy.’

  ‘He did, but Amy is a bit boring and all about herself. Laurie now realizes that Jo is the one he wants to be with.’

  ‘Jo is having a really shit time and can’t take any more knocks. Laurie needs to be absolutely positive about this. He can’t change his mind and run back to Amy – because Jo can’t take it.’

  ‘He is positive. He will never hurt Jo and he wants to be there for her, to help her and comfort her.’

  ‘He has to accept Jo – her love of books and serious issues.’

  ‘He does. He misses her lectures.’ Zach grinned. ‘But Jo has to respect that Laurie’s high jump is very important to him.’

  ‘Jo will never, ever make fun of it and totally respects it. She will cheer him on.’

  ‘Laurie has missed being challenged.’

  ‘Jo has missed … well, she’s missed everything.’

  Zach reached out and took Riley’s hand. ‘The end.’

  Week Three

  * * *

  41

  Mia walked her class to the church, which was just around the corner from the school. Beside her was Vanessa Dixon, the other second form teacher.

  ‘Good to see you back. How are you?’ Vanessa asked.

  ‘I’m getting there,’ Mia lied.

  ‘I believe your sister is still very unwell. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Thanks, Vanessa.’

  Vanessa looked uncomfortable. Oh, no – had Adam said something to her? Mia’s stomach lurched.

  ‘Actually, Mia, I’m worried about Izzy. She’s very withdrawn and she’s developed this habit of cleaning her glasses all the time. She does it at least ten times a day in class. She gets very upset if they’re not perfectly clean.’

  ‘I think it’s just her way of trying to control things while her mum is gone. It’s a really difficult time. If you can just continue to support her and keep a close eye on her, I’d really appreciate it. She’s confused and upset.’

  Vanessa placed a hand on Mia’s arm. ‘Of course. I’m very fond of Izzy. She’s a gorgeous girl. I’ll help her in any way I
can. Don’t worry.’

  ‘Thanks, that really does mean a lot.’

  Mia turned away from Vanessa and busied herself ushering her class into the church, making sure the children who were reading prayers sat at the end of the pews.

  Vanessa called them up one by one and they all read beautifully. Clearly, they’d been practising at home with proud parents.

  As Mia and Vanessa ran through the Communion mass timetable, the children giggled, shuffled and wriggled in their seats. All except Izzy. Izzy sat still, looking small and sad.

  When the practice was over and the children all rushed out of the church into the sunshine, Mia went to Izzy. ‘Hello, sweetie, are you OK?’

  Izzy shook her head. ‘Daddy said I’m not supposed to talk to you and Riley and Granddad because you had a big fight. Why can’t you just say sorry and make up, Mia?’

  Mia wanted to kill Adam. ‘I will – we all will. It happened because we’re all tired and worried about your mum. It’s nothing for you to worry about.’

  ‘That’s what Daddy said too, but for now I can’t stay over with you. I really want a sleepover with Riley. I miss her.’

  ‘I’ll talk to your dad and see if we can sort it out. How are you feeling about your Communion?’

  Izzy’s chin jutted out. ‘I’m excited because Mummy will wake up that day and I can’t wait to see her. Although I hope she wakes up the day before, so she can do my hair. If she doesn’t, can you or Riley do it for me? Daddy and Rob are no good.’

  Mia tried to keep her face from crumpling. This poor, confused little girl really believed Sarah was going to wake up. How could they explain it to her? As much as Mia hated Adam right now, she didn’t envy him that. No matter what he said or how he said it, his words would break Izzy’s little heart, and part of it would remain broken for ever.

  ‘Of course we will, pet.’ If your psycho father lets us near you. ‘You can look at pictures with Riley and decide how you want it.’