Let's Scrooge

by R. L. Caulder

  "My coffee?"

  "No. What's going on with you and Christmas. You sound like you're dreading it, and nobody should ever feel that way about the most magical time of the year. Next to Halloween."

  "Picked up on that did you?"

  "Wasn't that hard. So, talk. Do you hate your in-laws that much?"

  "No! I don't hate them… It's just… Kara, it's the same damn thing, year after year. Go over there, eat dinner, open presents, come home and get the kids to bed. Then I give Rick his present."

  "What's his present? You? Wrap yourself up with a big red bow and dangle tinsel from your nipples?"

  "No! What the fuck? Do people even do that?"

  "Sometimes. Sometimes I just dye my pubes silver. Or green. Or red. Sometimes I trim it in the shape of a Christmas tree."

  I lost her after pubes. Her eyes glazed over and then darted from my face to my crotch as if she were trying to picture it while making the cutest disgusted look on her face.

  "Do you really?"

  "Well, not lately, but it was a huge hit at the strip club and Ryan really loved it. Called it Christmas dinner."

  "He… He did that often?"

  "Call it Christmas dinner or go down on me?"

  "You really have no filter, do you?"

  "Just the one in my air conditioner. I don't beat around the Bush. That was Ryan's job, too!" I grinned and instead of a sense of sadness, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. The years we had spent together had been the best of my life. And that would probably never change. I loved Grendel, Brady, Alana, and Daniel, but Ryan had been my soul mate. My fated one. An accident had taken him from me, but the love we shared would burn brightly inside me forever. Sure, I was a hot fucking dumpster fire for a whole year after his death, but I'd finally started to move on. Now, helping others overcome their inhibitions and hot sweaty sex were my goals in life. It was good to have goals.

  "The second thing."

  "Going down on me?"

  She nodded.

  "Hell yeah. He loved it almost as much as I did."

  Karen sighed and smiled sadly. "Lucky."

  "Rick doesn't tongue the taco?"

  "Excuse me?" She actually looked indignant for a moment but then remembered who she was talking to.

  "Tongue the taco. Lick the lily. Feast the flesh. Slurp the–"

  "Stop! I get it. Yes. That's his Christmas gift to me," she answered embarrassedly.

  "Wait. You blow him and he eats you? That's your Christmas presents to each other?"

  "And some assorted gardening tools or cooking appliances."

  "What the ever-loving fuck?"

  "What?"

  "You go down on each other once a fucking year and you're happy with that?"

  "Kind of? I've never really…liked…doing it. And it wouldn't be fair to him to ask him to do it more than I would."

  "You don't like sucking the sausage? Slurping the straw–" She actually stopped me with three fingers to my lips as she looked around nervously before shaking her head. "Why the fuck not? It's fun!"

  "Because Rick gets a little too excited and ejaculates very quickly."

  "Well, no wonder if it's a once-a-year thing. Poor bastard. You need to embrace your inner slut and learn to love the things that you don't normally do."

  "That's easy for you to say. You love everything. And everyone."

  "Did you just slut shame me, Karen?"

  "No!" She shot me an apologetic look. "I'm actually jealous. It seems like the older I get the…"

  "More you want to hire a pool boy?"

  "What? No!" She stopped talking for a moment. "Well, I guess it would depend on the pool boy, but no! I could never cheat on Rick."

  "Who said anything about cheating. You might be surprised."

  "About what?"

  "The fact that it might turn him on."

  "A pool boy?"

  "Pool boy. Plumber. Pizza guy. You name it. A lot of men, and I do mean a fuck ton, would love nothing more than to see their wife railed by another man. Unfortunately, they can't get past their insecurities to actually enjoy it."

  "They do?"

  I nodded. "Then they like to join in."

  "Join in?"

  "Ever hear the term DP?"

  "No?"

  "Double penetration. You haven't lived until you've had two cocks, Karen. It's amazeballs. Amazecocks. Whatever. You get the point. Points. Tips. Shafts. Mmmm" I got lost in my own little daydream, momentarily forgetting my repressed friend's problems.

  "Yeah. Rick would never go for that. He doesn't even like me to wear tank-tops in the summer."

  "Cuz you're stacked." I reached over and gave her left one a little squeeze. They must be magnificent unfettered.

  "We're in public, Kara!"

  "Oh. So, you'd let me grope you in private? Come on. Let's go!"

  "You're incorrigible."

  "If that means horny, then yes, I am." I grinned.

  "Oh! Stop by the house sometime before Christmas. I've got a gift for you under the tree."

  "You got me something?"

  "Yes?"

  "Good. Cuz I got you something, too," I lied through my teeth, the rest of my afternoon planned out in my head. Surely Ryn would know what to get a Karen for Christmas.

  Chapter 2

  "What do you mean you don't know what to get a Karen for Christmas?"

  "How should I know what she's into? I mean it's not like you can just wrap up somebody's manager and give it to her for Christmas."

  "Huh?"

  "Never mind. It's a meme."

  "What's a meme?"

  She patted my head sympathetically.

  "What am I going to do? She already got me something. God! I suck at this Christmas thing."

  "Because you overthink everything."

  "I've been told I have the opposite problem."

  "That, too. But after years of watching you, I figured it out."

  "Do tell, little Miss Freud."

  "When it comes to you, you underthink. When it comes to everybody else, you overthink."

  We were walking past Vic's Secret when I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at my offspring. She had hit the nail on the head. I was so different from humans, I could coast my way through life on a wing and unholy prayer. When it came down to humans, they were so alien to me, I had the nasty habit of overthinking everything to death. It never ended well, either. The more I analyzed things, the farther I got from the truth of their motivations or thought patterns. Except when it came to sex. That, I knew like the back of my hand. And I was quite intimate with my hands. They were like old lovers. Literally. "Huh. You're right. You're kind of brilliant for a larva."

  "Gee thanks." She rolled her eyes and headed into Vic's. "Maybe you should get Mrs. James some sexy panties. Bet that would solve all her problems."

  "How did you know she was having sexy problems?"

  "Puh-leeze. She didn't want to say S-E-X in front of the K-I-D-S. I could only assume she was having marital problems."

  "What even are you?"

  "My mother's child. Half-demon."

  "Oh yeah. Forgot about that. Wait, you haven't had any more 'incidents' have you?" A few months ago, she had almost sucked the life out of a teenage boy just from kissing him. The police had even gotten involved. It hadn't been pretty, but it turned out his mother was an eviler bitch than me. Now, she was dead and the boy–who was totally human–lived with his father quite a way's away. Most offspring of demons and humans took after their human parent. Mine were just special. But every mother thinks that. Especially Karens. Several of her kids' trophies, displayed proudly on their fireplace mantel, had been purchased by her.

  "Nope. Staying away from boys until I'm a little older and can control this."

  "Well, be careful with the girls, too. You can suck them dry just as easy."

  "Ew. No."

  "Not attracted to girls?"

  "I don't know yet. None so far. Not like Jason."

&nbs
p; "Jason is the raisin?"

  "That's not funny, Mom."

  "I thought it kinda was."

  "You would. Oh! That's cute!" She touched one of the green padded bras on display.

  "Want it?"

  "Don't you think it's a little mature for me?"

  "Is anybody going to see it?"

  "No!"

  "Then it's not. If it makes you feel pretty and you want to wear it, then buy it."

  "It's sixty dollars!"

  "If it makes you feel pretty and you want to wear it, then I'll buy it. But it's getting wrapped and put under the tree."

  "Deal. But I'm not opening it in front of Karl."

  "Deal." I smiled and grabbed a size that would fit her a little better. "Want some matching panties?"

  "Okay." She smiled and nodded.

  "Want to know what Victoria's Secret is?"

  "What?" She weaved around the table to the display next to it, thumbing through the stacks of panties.

  "They don't sell presents."

  "They don't?"

  "Nope. They sell wrapping paper. Really expensive wrapping paper. The real present is what's inside."

  She stopped to think about it for a minute. "That makes oddly insightful and disturbing sense."

  "Told you that you were my child."

  "Yeah. The wings were a dead giveaway, too."

  "So, think your brother would like some sexy underwears for Christmas, too?"

  "I should say yes just to torment him, but no. Get him a Playstation or Xbox. That'll make him happy."

  "Will you show me what those are?"

  "Yep. You bought me sprinkles and whip cream."

  "And if you see anything else you want for Christmas, let me know."

  "I'm making this way too easy on you, you know."

  "Hey. I bribed you appropriately."

  "Can I get a puppy for Christmas?" She grinned.

  "No promises," I answered with a laugh. My daughter was scary. She was even more brilliant when she wasn't trying to be. She was getting a puppy for Christmas. That was for fucking sure. I could have kicked myself for not thinking of it sooner. They had been begging for once since we moved. Oh, they were getting a dog for sure, but I was going to summon a hellhound pup as soon as I could. They needed protection when I wasn't around, and a hellhound would keep them out of trouble while keeping me apprised of their wellbeing at all times! Thank God for Ryn and her brilliant ideas. "Come on. Let's go get a Playstation, figure out what to get Karen, and get the hell out of here."

  "What about Daniel, Josh, Brady, and Alana?"

  "Silly girl. They're easy to buy for. I got their presents months ago."

  "Did you buy batteries for their presents?"

  "Shit! I forgot."

  "See?"

  "What would I do without you?"

  She stopped for a moment and flashed me a sad look.

  "What?"

  She shrugged and fidgeted with the panties in her hand. "I don't know. Sometimes, I think you'd be way happier without us. I know you think you're not the best mom in the world, but you are to us. With Dad gone, I think you feel that you're kind of out of your league and would be having the time of your life if we weren't around."

  I set my half-drank coffee down on the wood table covered in panties and wrapped my arms around my daughter's head, pulling her to my chest and kissing her head. "Don't ever think that. You and your brother are the two things in this world keeping me sane. If I didn't have you, I would have been lost. I love you both more than you could possibly imagine. I am proud to be your mother."

  Ryn nodded in my embrace and sniffled a bit before pulling away. "Promise?"

  "With all my soul."

  She smiled and nodded.

  "Just don't tell your brother." I winked and wiped the tear from her eye.

  "I won't. I'll let him figure it out on his own. Love you, Mom."

  "Love you, too, Girl Child."

  Chapter 3

  Closing the door to Karl's room and shutting off the hall light, I sighed in relief. It was Christmas Eve and the kids had finally gone to sleep. There was one more gift I needed to procure before the big day. Two, actually. I had still, as of yet, not gotten Karen anything. I had been avoiding her all week. She had wanted to stop by earlier to exchange gifts, but I had faked a headache and told her I was going to bed. There were always the after-Christmas sales. Maybe I would find something there and then I could just pretend I'd had it for weeks.

  But that was a problem for another day. I had a hellhound puppy to summon.

  Tiptoeing through the house, I snuck out the back door and into the snow-covered yard, shivering slightly even with my demonic weather resistance. I probably should have at least put on some shoes and more clothes than a simple nightgown. But summoning was always easier when one was nearly naked. Plus, there was less clothes to wash. Blood never came out easy, even with Tide and a stain stick.

  Gathering my power around me, I elongated a talon and sliced open my wrist, dripping blood in a perfect circle onto the virgin snow. By the time I finished the eight-sided star in the center, I was starting to feel a little dizzy. And excited. High demonic magic always came with a price and aftereffects. I was going to be abusing myself later. Incredibly turned on was the understatement of the millennium. Blood wasn't the only thing soaking into the snow. The power flowed through me like White Claw and Cinemax After Dark.

  "Il vath tooroth. Mil ven deniel hak voorath. Belenin ven doormek. Il can stoormoth vek shriebel!" I chanted over the circle and let the power flow from my hands to the bloodstained snow. Purple fire flared, briefly illuminating the backyard in a flash of pyrotechnics. Black smoke spiraled from the center of the star, a vortex blacker than the night until two glowing red eyes broke through the darkness.

  Woof!

  The smoke dissipated and the moon illuminated the cutest little hellhound puppy I ever did see! His black skin glinted in the slivery light from above. "Oh, my gawd!"

  I rushed over and scooped him up out of the snow. He yipped and licked my nose.

  "What is your name?"

  Emeriel. His thoughts settled in my head, the bond of master and servant forming as he let his true name be known.

  Well, we'll just keep that between us. To everyone else, your name shall be Ember.

  As you command.

  I scratched the supple flesh beneath his pointed ears. Can you take a seeming?

  I can.

  I pictured a black and gray Husky and let the image settle into his young mind. His flesh shifted beneath my arms as he pulled into himself, shrinking minutely into a normal looking human pet. Soft fur sprouted from his skin as he arooed at the moon above.

  "Shh. You'll wake the neighbors."

  My apologies master.

  Call me Kara. This is not a normal summoning. You have no small deed. You are to blend into our family and guard my children for the rest of your days. Do you agree?

  I could feel the excitement inside him. Hellhounds were usually summoned to guard tombs or hunt prey. For a permanent summon to happen was a rarity for their kind. I do. He nodded his head solemnly.

  "Come on. Let's get you something to eat and drink. You can sleep under the tree in the living room for tonight until the kids see you in the morning. Then you can sleep wherever you wish."

  As you command, my master.

  Kara.

  Master Kara.

  Just Kara.

  As you command, Kara.

  Quit being so formal! I set him down in the snow and let him follow me back into the house. The kids were standing there in the dimly lit kitchen, arms folded in front of them, and glaring at me sternly. Until they saw the puppy. Then they just melted, dropped to the ground, and both tried to call him to them.

  He plopped down on his butt next to my ankle and looked up at me. "Go ahead," I told him with a smile, my Christmas surprise ruined, but happy Ryn and Karl were so excited for their gift.

  They are those who must
be guarded?

  And loved. Welcome to the family, Ember.

  He licked my ankle and ran over to the kids, letting them pet him and rub his belly.

  "What's his name?"

  "This is Ember."

  "He's not a normal puppy, is he?" Ryn shot me as suspicious look.

  "Nope. Hellhound."

  She nodded and continued scratching his gray tummy without an ounce of fear. "I can hear him!"

  "I can, too," Karl said, surprise evident in his voice.

  I was surprised, as well. He was my summon. I should have been the only one who could converse with him mentally.

  You welcomed me to the family. They are now my siblings. You have truly extraordinary children.

  A smile crested my lips. The largest one I think I'd ever had. I'd done it. I had gotten my kids the perfect Christmas present.

  The puppy was sleeping on the floor in front of the Christmas tree between my kids who had piled enough blankets and pillows to be comfortable until morning. They were fighting over who got to sleep with Ember until I'd made the suggestion. I had never seen them agree to something so fast in my life. "Goodnight, offspring."

  "Night, Mom!" Karl grinned at me over his pillow.

  "Night. Love you."

  "Love you, too, Girl Child." I shut the light off, leaving the room illuminated by the twinkling multi-colored lights of the tree and headed back up to my room for some "me" time and sleep.

  I had washed the blood off my arm in the kitchen sink, but some had still splattered on my nightgown. I pulled it off and tossed it in the hamper as I passed by on the way to the shower. I was standing under the hot spray and soaping up when my thoughts shifted to Karen.

  My gift procurement was officially done except for her. In the morning, the kids would open their presents. We'd lounge around all day. Brady, Alana, Daniel, and Josh were coming for dinner and other things… Then, the day after Christmas, I'd head to the mall and find her something. I just didn't know what. Not a clue at all.

  I sighed as I shut off the water without even touching myself inappropriately, too preoccupied with making everybody's Christmas extra special.