Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I shrugged, pretending he was nothing special. Now, if only I could get those beautiful silver-blue eyes out of my mind for more than five minutes my performance would be more believable.

  “Actually, remember the guy I bumped into that night at the pub?” Ciara nodded. “Well, it was him.”

  Her eyes widened and nearly popped out of their sockets. She sat upright and almost toppled over the bowl of chips, saving it at the very last second before its content spilled all over the floor.

  “The hot guy from the pub?”

  “I never said he was hot.” I said defensively, and snatched the plastic bowl out of her hands. “He was nice—”

  “Oh, no, missus. I remember very well your face after you came back from the toilet. And you definitely said he was hot!”

  I hated her elephant memory. Why did she always have to remember everything I said? I often wondered if she had a microchip or some sort of device inserted in her brain, and now I was almost certain.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter now. Seeing as he’s off-limits, if I still want to have a job.” I stuffed my mouth with chips, and turned my attention back to the TV, even though I wasn’t a fan of the soap opera and couldn’t quite understand why Ciara wasted so much time watching it at all.

  “Is this a new guy? I don’t think I’ve seen him before.” I deftly steered the spotlight from me to the actor, and Ciara started telling me everything about him and how he fit in the story—as if I could care less. Still it saved me from talking about David, so I nodded when I was supposed to and faked an interested expression, even though all I could see were those silver-blue eyes.

  My second day went by smoothly, considering Mr. Dazzling Eyes had the day off. I was professional and polite, listened to Susan’s babble, smiled when I wanted to yell, and said, “Yes, Sir,” even when all I wanted to say was, “You’re an ass”.

  Even though I knew Mr. Dazzling Eyes was off, I kept looking up from my desk every time someone stepped into the office, and when I realized what I was doing I scolded myself.

  What was wrong with me? After what had happened with Peter, I’d sworn off men for a very long time, but all it had taken was a pair of blue eyes and I was a goner. How stupid was that? For a grown woman, I was really acting like a silly teenager, and I couldn’t afford it. I needed the job, and I couldn’t lose it because of a man who was probably already taken or, if he wasn’t, there was no way he’d ever like a plain, boring redhead like me anyway.

  Ugh, I hate my hair.

  I ate lunch on my own, and the simple turkey, cheese and lettuce sandwich tasted like cardboard. Funny, since I’d had the same sandwich yesterday, but it had tasted completely different with Mr. Dazzling Eyes sitting across from me.

  Stop it, Claire. Just stop it.

  The rest of the afternoon passed by rather quickly, with lots of stuff that needed to be taken care of, and by the time I left the university premises I was ready to collapse face down onto my bed—and that was exactly what I did.

  When I woke up the following day I felt much better, and it was most probably due to the fact that I knew Mr. Dazzling Eyes would be around, even though the sensible part of my brain kept reminding me I should stop fantasizing and definitely shouldn’t be excited by the prospect of seeing him. As I sat at my desk, following Bossy Susan’s orders, my mind kept going back to my first day, when David had shown up with a cup of coffee and I’d been floored by his thoughtfulness. I cringed when I realized that if he did the same thing today, I’d probably get fired.

  “Good morning Mr. O’Hagan,” Bossy Susan said in a professional tone, and I couldn’t help goosebumps from erupting all over my pale skin. Jaisus, if just his name could cause this effect, I was in knee-deep trouble.

  “Morning Susan.” His warm voice made my insides melt, and I had to take a deep, stabilizing breath. “You know you can call me David, right?”

  I smiled. He was so adorable and humble—totally unlike most of the professors. If only he was an arrogant jerk he wouldn’t have that intoxicating effect on me.

  He popped his head into my small cubicle and his adorable smile nearly caused my heart to jump straight out of my chest.

  “Morning Claire, how’re things? Have you settled in?”

  Words suddenly failed me, and I simply smiled and nodded idiotically.

  “Um, Mr. O’Hagan?” Bossy Susan called from the other office—the bigger and more comfortable one. David rolled his eyes, and I couldn’t help smiling at that.

  “Yes, Susan?” He turned around only slightly, just to politely acknowledge he’d heard her, but he made no move to want to leave.

  “I need you to check this paperwork here. There’s something wrong with the schedule and we might need to move some of your lessons.”

  With another eye-roll and a smile, he turned around and walked to Susan’s desk, where she explained all the changes that needed to be made. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a moment, and when I reopened them I decided it was time to concentrate on my work, even though hearing his voice in the other office prevented me from doing it properly.

  When he finally left, my heart went back to its standard rhythm, and I managed to go through the morning without so much as a thought of those eyes.

  I was just about to walk out of my office when David walked in, and we almost collided. We both chuckled and took a step back at the same time.

  “I’m going to grab something to eat. Are you keeping me company?”

  My heart fluttered in my chest but my high spirits dropped to my feet when I remembered my conversation with Susan. I hated having to turn him down when all I wanted was to spend more time with him. I hated Bossy Susan. And I hated that she was right, after all. He was off-limits; no matter how good-looking and easygoing he was, he was a lecturer; I was an assistant. If any of the older professors had asked me to have lunch with them, I probably would’ve politely declined the invitation. I had to treat him as if he didn’t affect me in the least.

  Yeah, right.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t.” I didn’t explain the real reason why I couldn’t have lunch with him, even though I was dying to. I had to keep a neutral expression on my face, though my heart was thudding against my ribcage, trying to jump out of my chest. I was a mess when it came to men—especially good-looking, funny and charming men like Mr. Dazzling Eyes here.

  His eyebrows furrowed a little, and I didn’t want to read too much into it, but I thought he looked a little disappointed by my response. He probably wasn’t used to getting a no when he asked a girl out. Yes, that had to be the reason: he was a player and all the girls fell at his feet as soon as he snapped his fingers. I had to find something negative about him, something that would make me dislike him, or at least stop liking him so much.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I’m not allowed to socialize with you.”

  Huh?! How had those words escaped my mouth?

  My cheeks flushed red hot, and I wished the floor would crack open and swallow me whole. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and he tilted his head to the side, scrutinizing my face. I looked down at my feet, suddenly finding my shoes very interesting. Maybe if I played cool he’d think that my cheeks were flushed because the room was hot or something.

  “You’re not allowed to socialize with me?” he repeated in a bewildered tone that made me feel even more stupid than I’d thought I could feel. I shrugged, as if it were no big deal, but didn’t look up. He took a step closer. “Did I say or do something wrong? Did it feel like I was harassing you or something? Because I swear I wasn’t—”

  “Oh, gosh, no.” I cut him off before he got the wrong idea, although I was pretty sure he already had. “I didn’t mean it like that. I… um… I enjoyed your company the other day, and it was really nice of you to help me get settled in and feel less like an outcast, but…”

  “But?” He tapped his finger on his thigh, and I had to look up to inspect his face and see if he was mad at me. His
gorgeous silver-blue eyes stared at me expectantly, one eyebrow raised in question. I knew I was a goner the moment my gaze locked with his.

  “Um… well…” I cleared my throat, thinking that this would be the perfect moment for that crack in the floor to open; apparently, though, luck wasn’t on my side. I inhaled deeply and let out the words in one breath. “Susan-told-me-I-could-get-fired-for-hanging-out-with-the-teaching-staff,-and-I-really-need-this-job.”

  “Seriously?” He let out a chuckle and it sort of annoyed me. Was he making fun of me? Did he think I was making up some lame excuse to turn him down? Who did this guy think he was?

  “Yes, seriously.” I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him a defiant stare. He raised his palms and smiled.

  “Hey, I’m with you, not against you.” I narrowed my eyes, and his grin broadened. “I’m just saying that this is idiotic. I mean, we were just two colleagues having lunch together. I happened to have lunch with other professors last year, and nobody ever told me I couldn’t.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t make the rules.”

  “Well, then I guess I’d better get out of here before Susan finds me and thinks we’re conspiring.”

  “Yes, I guess you should,” I said, trying not to sound too deflated, although I really felt like one of those helium balloons left out in the open for too long. “I’m sorry,” I added for good measure. He was the only friendly person in the department. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t like his company and start giving me the cold shoulder like everyone else.

  “I’m not looking forward to having lunch with one of the moldy professors, but if there’s no other way to get around this…”

  He trailed off, and for one extremely long moment I hoped he was going to ask me out on a date outside the university grounds. Susan had said we couldn’t be seen together, but she hadn’t mentioned we couldn’t see each other outside work. After all, who would care if we hung out together, as long as we remained professional during our working hours? People fell in love all the time in the same office or job, right?

  Wait. Love?

  Maybe my imagination was going a little too fast—I should stop watching rom-coms with Ciara.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” His voice interrupted my thoughts. And with that, my dream of going out on a date with Mr. Dazzling Eyes shattered. So much for fantasizing about violins and roses.

  I nodded, and when he walked out of the office I plopped into the nearest chair and let out a long, exasperated sigh. Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore.

  Chapter 8

  David

  When I walked out into a sunny and warm day, I realized I didn’t want to eat all by myself. Having lunch with a colleague was an option but the conversation with Claire had left me with a sour taste in my mouth and I was sure I wouldn’t be good company. Why did it bother me so much that Claire had turned my invitation down?

  The other night, after Michelle finally left her office, we’d had a fight over the phone and she’d hung up on me. I hadn’t heard from her since, but I was sure she was too busy with her precious work to worry too much about us. I’d been hoping to spend some time with Claire and chat a little; she was fun to be around, the only person around my age in the department, and it wasn’t my fault that she was beautiful and a redhead as a bonus. Besides, I could only guess that, being new in town, she didn’t know many people and the professors in the department were too old to want to hang out with her. I simply wanted to help her fit in and feel less lonely. I was being hospitable—that wasn’t a crime, was it? But now the thought of having to stay away from her in case anyone thought I was being unprofessional bugged me.

  I strolled around the university premises, looking at students sitting on the grass eating their sandwiches and comparing notes, and I missed the camaraderie I used to have with my fellow students. I’d thought I’d have the same sort of relationship with my colleagues, but in a way I always felt a little left out. I was the youngest member of the teaching staff in the Department of Engineering, and since I was only a lecturer, none of the older professors had much consideration of my job or expertise.

  After my plan of moving to New York had crashed and we’d all thought Kathy would be paralyzed for the rest of her life, I’d put my Master’s in Biomedical Engineering to good use and started working on a research project for people in wheelchairs with other professors at the university. Since I needed a source of income, I’d kept the job as a lecturer, even though it wasn’t what I meant to do for the rest of my life, and I could only guess the professors realized this was something I did only because I needed the cash. Even so, I’d never given them any reason to think I wasn’t professional, or that I didn’t take my job seriously. They’d been my teachers back in the day, and they’d seen how I’d worked my arse off. They’d been the ones to recommend me to the principal, and now that I was part of their team they treated me as if I didn’t belong there.

  Nope, having lunch with one of them wasn’t an option today. If I couldn’t have lunch with Claire, I’d go home and eat Mum’s cooking—much better than a sandwich anyway.

  When I opened the door to my house, female chattering came from the kitchen. I dropped my messenger bag on the floor, knowing my mother hated it when I did that, but I was too hungry to bother bringing it into my room. When I walked into the kitchen, expecting to see my mother and my little sister Maggie, I dramatically brought a hand to my heart and let out a girlie squeal.

  “Oh. My. God. Tell me I’m not dreaming!”

  Kathy let out a giggle, and before she could say a word, I had her wrapped in a bear hug. Ever since she’d moved to County Sligo with her fiancé we hadn’t seen her as often as we would’ve liked, what with Colin working crazy hours at the hospital while trying to set up his private practice as a physiotherapist, and her constant trips to Dublin to meet with the publisher who’d bought her manuscript and was going to turn her dream of becoming a writer into reality very soon.

  “How was your trip? I thought you’d decided to stay in the States, and we’d never get to see your ugly face again.”

  James, Kathy and Colin’s godchild, had recently turned one, so Chris, Colin’s best friend from New York, and his wife had organized a trip to Miami to celebrate in style.

  “David!” My mother rolled her eyes, and shook her head. Having Maggie and me still living in the house, she was more than resigned to living with children rather than adults. But I knew deep down she loved our banter.

  Kathy punched me in the shoulder. “You share my DNA, so if I’m ugly, you are too. Besides, Colin thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and that’s all that matters to me, since he’s the one I’m marrying.” She smiled, starry-eyed, and it was my turn to roll my eyes. My sister and her fiancé were so in love they nearly sent me into a diabetic coma every time they were around.

  “Anyway,” she continued, hopping on the table and dangling her pixie-short legs—a genetic trait we didn’t share, “the trip was fantastic! The Orlando hotel we were staying in was like something out of a movie, with swimming pools, palm trees, and waiters serving cocktails by the pool. We even managed to spend a day in Magic Kingdom, but little James was just too young to understand any of it.”

  “And I’m sure Colin and Chris had a blast.” If I’d understood something about my future brother-in-law it was that, in spite of being thirty-one, he could be worse than me when it came to acting like a child. Over the year he and Kathy had been dating we’d had some crazy guy-nights, challenging each other on my Xbox and forgetting that at our age we should be hitting the pub or going to a nightclub instead of spending the night in my parents’ living room with a remote in our hands. But after Declan died, Colin had managed to fill not only the empty space in Kathy’s heart, but in my life too. He would never be able to replace Declan completely, but at least when Colin was around, I felt less lonely, and in a way I knew Declan would be happy about this.

  Kathy grinned, proving I was right ab
out her fiancé and his best friend—and future best man.

  “I’ll show you the pictures. He had the time of his life.”

  “We’ll have to go there together some day. Maybe I’ll organize a trip to Orlando for his stag night.”

  My sister hopped down from the table and jabbed a finger at my chest. “No quirky stuff for his stag night. You’ll all have a quiet dinner somewhere and a drink in a pub. That’s as much as I can accept.”

  I blew a raspberry through my lips and moved away from her, opening the fridge to get something to eat.

  “You worry about your girlie stuff. Leave the rest to us men.”

  “I don’t see any men in here, but whatever.”

  I took out the leftover casserole Mum had left, and put it in the microwave.

  “I think that was for Maggie,” Kathy whispered conspiratorially close to my ear. I shrugged.

  “She doesn’t need it. She’ll get fat and I’ll have to hear her whining about not fitting into her pants.” Kathy giggled, and as I turned my mother glared at me—although she was forcing back a smile. “What? I’m a growing boy. You’re the one who’s always worrying I don’t eat enough food, Ma.”

  When the timer pinged I took an oven mitt and removed the plate, sat down at the table and wolfed it down, while Kathy went on talking with my mother about whatever girl stuff they’d been talking about before I’d come in.

  After I finished my lunch and put everything in the dishwasher, Kathy handed me a mug of coffee and sat at the table with me.

  “So, how’s Michelle?” she asked, before taking a sip from her mug. For a second I felt guilt creep up from my stomach, although I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t done anything wrong, had I?

  “She’s fine. Busy, as usual.” I purposely didn’t tell her that Michelle’s job in finance kept her preoccupied way after normal office hours, and that this bothered me to no end.

  “Everything okay between you two?” The raised eyebrow and questioning stare made me suspicious. I frowned. Why was my little sister interrogating me?