Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “Hey, Sis, look who’s here.” David set the girlie-looking drink in front of the blonde, and took a sip of his Guinness. David’s sister’s eyes grew wide as her mouth formed a perfect O before she let out a squeal.

  “Ciara!” She jumped out of the booth, nearly tripping over her fiancé’s long legs, and grabbed Ciara in a killer hug. The two started jumping up and down like little girls, while David told his girlfriend who Ciara was. I stood there, awkwardly fidgeting with the straw in my cocktail, feeling invisible as always, while my eyes were drawn to the blonde’s hand to check for an engagement ring, just to convince myself he was out of my league.

  “Claire, come here. Have a seat,” David said, startling me out of the world of my own I always sought refuge in when I felt out of place. “This is Michelle, and that’s Colin, my sister’s fiancé, as you may have guessed. And when she’s finished acting like a ten-year-old, I’ll introduce you to my sister, Kathy.”

  Colin, who had his glass of soda halfway to his mouth, raised it in greeting and gave me a dimpled smile, which I returned—without the dimples, of course. Michelle’s smile was warier, and even though she said “nice to meet you” her body language and narrow-eyed stare was saying “keep your hands off my man.”

  Message received loud and clear, thank you very much.

  Ciara and Kathy finally sat back with us, and Kathy shook my hand after Ciara introduced me as her housemate and former roomie at college.

  “So where do you live, now? Are you still in Dublin?” Ciara asked, as Kathy settled back into the booth. Her fiancé’s arm went automatically around her shoulders again, and she relaxed against him. A pang of jealousy at what I’d never experienced hit me in the chest, leaving me short of air for a few seconds. They looked so in love and so at ease with each other it was almost sickening. But I envied them all the same.

  “We moved up north. Colin’s working in Sligo General Hospital, but he’ll be opening his private practice soon. He’s a physiotherapist, and a great one too, if I may say so myself.” She looked at him with dreamy eyes, and I received another blow to my solar plexus. I’d never looked at Peter like that—and he’d surely never given me that loving stare Colin was giving Kathy right now.

  “What about you? What do you do?” Ciara asked.

  Kathy beamed, her smile spreading from ear to ear. “Remember how I wanted to be a writer? I’m just about to release my first book, so I’ve been working full-time on that for the past few months.”

  “Wow, that’s fantastic! I’ll drink to your successful career, then.” Ciara raised her glass, clinked it with Kathy’s, and took a gulp. If she kept this up all night, I’d have to haul her up the stairs to bring her to bed. I couldn’t think of a more fitting ending for this already dreadful night.

  Ciara and Kathy huddled closer and resumed their catch-up chat. Colin asked David about some Maggie girl—I had no idea who she was—and I twirled the straw in my cocktail. David had just ordered another round, and I’d opted for an alcohol-free fruity drink, thinking it would be best if I remained sober, before I did something stupid like telling David how hot I thought he was.

  When I heard her voice, it took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.

  “So, how do you two know each other? You and David, I mean?”

  If she’d meant to hide her jealous and annoyed tone, she’d done a poor job. I could almost see the daggers shooting out of her eyes.

  “I work at the university in David’s department.”

  Her frown eased a little. Was she expecting me to say we’d been lovers once upon a time? “Do you teach there, too?”

  Her words were flat and cold. Seriously, what did David see in this girl?

  Not your problem, Claire.

  “No, I’m just administrative staff.”

  At that, her face eased completely. I probably wasn’t good enough to be a threat. She likely had some fancy job where she made lots of money and held an important role. I, being just a secretary, could never compete with her in the war to get David’s attention. I wondered whether I should tell her I wasn’t in any competition and I had no intention of stealing David from her, but it would probably be a little too direct—and, technically, not entirely true, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself.

  “So, Claire, what’s it like living with this crazy girl here?” Kathy looked at me while pointing her thumb to Ciara, who laughed as if she’d just heard the best joke ever. Maybe ordering another round of drinks hadn’t been a smart idea. That second cocktail wasn’t doing her any good.

  “After sharing a room with her in college, I’m glad we live in a two-story house with separate rooms.” I winked at Ciara, who stuck her tongue out at me. “She’s the party girl; I’m more the nerdy one. I barely survived the years in college.”

  “Yeah, she always has her face stuck in one of those mystery books.” Ciara scrunched up her nose, making Kathy laugh. “It’s no wonder she has no love life. I don’t think any of those hot cops will magically jump out of the book and sweep her off her feet.”

  Everyone at the table laughed, and I wished I knew that trick magicians used to disappear in a cloud of smoke. As if sitting at the same table as David’s girlfriend wasn’t bad enough, Ciara had to talk about my nonexistent love life, making me look even more pathetic than I already felt.

  “I wouldn’t worry too much,” Kathy reassured me, reaching across the table to pat my hand, “I was the nerdy one too, always reading books and writing stories, but I managed to find my prince anyway.” She gave her fiancé a loving stare, and he smiled at her. “I had to end up in a hospital to meet him, but that’s because I’d always secretly wanted to marry a doctor.”

  Colin laughed and gave her a gentle squeeze. “Too bad I’m a mere physiotherapist and can’t compete with a brain surgeon, babe.”

  “You’re perfect.” Kathy took his face in her hands and placed a soft kiss on his lips. David rolled his eyes, and looked sideways at me with a grin on his beautiful face.

  “They’re kinda nauseating, aren’t they?”

  I smiled, and shook my head. “I think they’re sweet.”

  “So, Kathy, what’s your book about?” Ciara cut in, with a slightly slurred tone. Bad sign.

  Kathy stared at her hands for a second, and fidgeted with a beautiful Claddagh ring with a heart-shaped emerald. I’d always considered the Claddagh to be the most romantic gift a man could give his partner, and since it was on her left ring finger, I was pretty sure that it was her engagement ring. She’d been really lucky bumping into this guy.

  “The protagonist goes through a tragedy, and when she thinks everything’s lost, her guardian angel comes to rescue her.” Her eyes sparkled a little when she spoke.

  Ciara tilted her head to the side, and I noticed her lips curving slightly downward. “I heard what happened last year. I’m really sorry about your loss.” She patted Kathy’s hand, and gave it a squeeze. “Declan was such a great guy.”

  I involuntarily frowned, knowing I was missing something, and when Kathy met my stare, she blinked away the tears that had veiled her eyes a moment ago.

  “My other brother died in a car accident last year,” she said, after taking a deep breath. Colin’s hand rubbed her shoulder soothingly, and once again I envied her for having someone who’d comfort her when she’d gone through such a terrible time.

  I brought a hand to my heart, and opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. I knew how empty “I’m so sorry” sounded when you were still knee-deep in grief, and her revelation had caught me off-guard so I had no idea what to say.

  Luckily, she knew how to lighten the mood, as a smile lit up her face a moment later. “Ciara had a big crush on him when we were teenagers. She used to say she’d marry him one day and have his babies.”

  David burst out in hysterical laughter and Kathy followed suit. Ciara’s face turned bright red, and she hid her face in her hands.

  “You promised you’d never tell
anyone!”

  As I joined everyone in their laughing fit while patting Ciara’s back in a comforting way, I realized how much I missed having a circle of friends to spend some happy time with. In spite of their tragedy, Kathy and David had each other’s backs and, if that wasn’t enough, they also had partners who loved them. I felt totally alone, even though the pub was crowded and the people around the table were friendly and welcoming. Kathy had Colin, David had Michelle, Ciara had Aidan and I… I had no one to take care of me but myself.

  After a little more teasing about Ciara’s crush on Declan, Kathy said she and her fiancé would call it a night. Her cousin had come home from Australia, and Kathy would be going to Dublin with her mother and her sister to spend some time with her tomorrow.

  We all stood up, and taking a look at Ciara’s drooping eyes, I reckoned it was bedtime for us too. Michelle grabbed David’s hand as soon as he got out of the booth seat and she all but shouted in his ear, asking whether he’d be spending the night at her place. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what she had in mind, while purring next to his face.

  Something broke inside of me. How could I like a guy I now knew was taken? I sure as hell didn’t want to be the other woman; not that he’d ever acted as if he’d want to cheat on his girlfriend with me, but still…

  David shook his head, and I heard him saying something about his sister staying over and him wanting to spend some time with Colin. Michelle pouted like a child but David seemed oblivious to her reaction, and as we lingered by the door of the pub, I heard him making small talk with Colin about a new video game he’d bought and that they would try tomorrow.

  “Baby, I’m freezing. Can you take me home?” Michelle whined, pulling at his denim jacket’s sleeve. Once again I found myself wondering what he saw in her—apart from the obvious blond-hair, blue-eyes, big-boobs package.

  “Sure, in a minute,” David said in an annoyed tone that lifted my spirits a little. He turned toward Colin and asked if they’d mind a detour so he could drop Michelle off before heading home. Colin gave him a no-problem shrug, then turned to me and stretched out his hand.

  “It was nice meeting you, Claire.” He sounded genuine and I appreciated the gesture. “And Ciara, too.” He smirked and gave a sideways look with a nod toward my apparently not very sober friend. Kathy was tapping on Ciara’s mobile, probably to save her number in her phone book, since in the state she was in Ciara didn’t seem to be able to even unlock the screen. My friend burst into a fit of giggles, and I had to reach for her and hold her by the arm before she face-planted.

  “Well, guys, it was a great night, but I’d better call a taxi and get Ciara home now,” I said, raising my eyebrows apologetically. “I think she’s had a drink too many.”

  “Pfft.” Ciara waved me away, and everyone laughed.

  “I think Claire’s right, Ciara. You could never hold your liquor well.” Kathy patted Ciara’s back, eliciting another giggle. “Let’s keep in touch, okay? Maybe the next time I’m in town we could organize a girls’ night.”

  “Yay!” Ciara wrapped her arms around Kathy, and I shook my head in resignation. I should be used to Ciara’s cheerful behavior by now, but she still managed to surprise me.

  They all followed us toward the line of taxis, and once I had Ciara tucked safely inside I went to say goodbye to Kathy, and was surprised when she pulled me into a hug, as if we were long-lost friends.

  “I hope to see you soon again. Take care of her, okay?”

  She smiled and winked, and I nodded, returning the grin. She was a really nice girl, but it was no wonder, since she shared David’s DNA. I sat in the backseat of the cab, closed the door and gave the driver our address. Ciara was already snoozing, and I dared throw a glance out the window, hoping to get one last peek of David before he disappeared. Michelle was still hanging by his arm as they walked, but he had his hands in the pockets of his jacket and wasn’t hugging her back.

  I leaned my head against the backrest and closed my eyes for a moment. I took a deep breath and held it in while I replayed the events of the night. I needed to get a grip and squash whatever feelings were blooming; I simply couldn’t fall for David O’Hagan. He had a girlfriend, and she’d surely turn into a bloodthirsty lioness if I so much as stared at her man a second too long.

  Aw, crap. Of all the men I could crush on, why did I have to choose the one I could never have?

  Chapter 10

  David

  The following day, Kathy, Maggie, and our mother went to Dublin with our cousin who’d come home from Australia, and announced they would be back on the last train. Our father decided to meet up at the pub with his fishing friends to organize their next expedition, so that left Colin and me, on one of our ordinary guys’ Saturday nights with pizza delivery and Xbox—exactly the kind of distraction I needed after last night at the pub.

  I hadn’t heard from Michelle at all today, and I knew she was mad at me for turning down her invitation to crash at her place. I’d felt a little guilty for having enjoyed so much spending time with Claire more than I had with Michelle in weeks, and I’d used Kathy and Colin as an excuse, but the truth was I didn’t want to be with her after the way she’d acted with my friends. She’d been purposely cold toward Ciara and Claire, especially Claire, and the way she’d whined when we were outside the pub? It had grated on my last nerve, and I’d known there was no way I’d be going home with her, sleeping with her and pretending things between us were great. They weren’t. Not anymore.

  I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind, and concentrated on enjoying some well-deserved guy time with my future brother-in-law. We ate pizza on the couch, oblivious of scattering crumbs all over the cushions and carpet, while watching an NBA match; I’d never been a basketball fan, I was more of a hurling man, but after I started spending time with Colin, he’d passed some of his passion on to me and I’d told him a few things about hurling. Guys bonding over sport was a tale as old as time, just like girls bonding over shopping—with the only difference that guy’s friendships were usually drama-free, and I really liked that. Especially after all the drama that was already going on in my life.

  “Yes!”

  Colin fist-pumped the air, and I leaned back against the couch, dropping the controller next to me on the cushion. We’d been playing a new game on my Xbox for more than an hour, and he’d already won three times—all three times. It just wasn’t my evening.

  “Dude, what’s wrong with you? I’ve been kicking your ass all night.” He grinned his infamous dimpled smile, the one that made my sister turn all dreamy-eyed and jelly-legged every single time.

  I shrugged. After last night, the way my heart had skipped a beat when I saw Claire and how my girlfriend’s behavior had driven me insane, I was feeling kind of down in the dumps. I heaved a sigh and closed my eyes for a moment.

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  I opened my eyes to find Colin sitting sideways facing me, the controller still in his hand and a frown on his face.

  Did I want to? I needed to talk with someone, and that didn’t include any of the female members of my family. Declan wouldn’t reply, even though I was sure he’d hear me, and my inner monologues never helped. I needed a pair of friendly ears who wouldn’t judge and a shoulder to cry on—only figuratively, of course. I wasn’t gonna bawl like a sissy on my brother-in-law’s shoulder.

  Colin was the person for the job; he’d dated quite a few girls before he’d met my sister; he should know a thing or two about women.

  “Are you gonna go blabbing to Kathy?”

  He smiled, and shook his head. “Not if you ask me not to.”

  “And keeping secrets won’t cause tension between you and my sister?” The last thing I wanted was for my mess to make a dent in their fairytale relationship only months away from their wedding. Even though she was my little sister, she could be very protective of me and tended to go all Mama Bear on me. I was sure she’d worry like crazy if she knew I w
as having problems with Michelle—I still remembered the preoccupied frown on her face when she’d confronted me in the kitchen that day.

  “I don’t like keeping things from Kathleen, but I’ll use the doctor-patient confidentiality clause if she senses something. ’Cause you know she reads me like an open book.”

  I laughed. Colin was a physiotherapist and what I needed to talk about had nothing to do with muscles or bones, but I appreciated his loyalty. I envied the strong bond between him and my sister; if Michelle had been able to read me, I wouldn’t be here spilling my guts to him now. I’d be opening my heart to her, telling her about the worries and fears the nightmares were causing me.

  “Tell me something. When you’re with Kathy, do you still feel the same crazy love and attraction you felt a year ago? Do you feel all giddy like you did when you two started dating?” I raised my finger before he spoke. “I don’t want the details, especially not the dirty ones, ’cause we’re talking about my sister.”

  Colin chuckled and the look in his eyes spoke volumes. “I think it’s only girls who get giddy. But yes, I still get all worked up with just one stare or a smile from your sister. I love Kathleen even more than I did a year ago, and the feeling only gets stronger.”

  “So you mean it doesn’t feel boring?”

  At that, Colin laughed harder. “It’s your sister we’re talking about, man. She’s the least boring person on this Earth.”

  I smiled and nodded. Yeah, he was right. Kathy was anything but boring.

  “But to answer your question: no, it doesn’t feel boring. Every day I discover something new about her, something that makes me love her more than the day before.” His eyes went all dreamy and I realized when I talked about Michelle I’d never felt the way he was clearly feeling, judging by the silly expression on his face. “I’m gonna love spending the rest of my life finding some new thing to love about her every day.”