Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “You’re in love with David? Since when?” She raised her hand with the palm facing me, and shook her head. “No, wait. I’m not going to have this chat with you here on the floor. Stand up, wash your face, and go into the living room. I’ll switch the kettle on.”

  I nodded again, too tired to even argue. I needed to let this all out. I was tired of keeping everything inside, and even though I’d just had a hot chocolate, I wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea and maybe some comfort food.

  Five minutes later, after splashing my face with cold water, I was sitting on the couch next to Ciara, with one box of Butler’s chocolate and one of Jaffa cakes on the coffee table.

  “What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you’d be coming home tonight.” I tried to delay confession time a little, needing a few more minutes to pull myself together and gather my thoughts.

  Ciara shrugged. “Aidan didn’t feel well, probably a bout of flu or something, so we came home early.” She looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and smiled. “Now I’m glad we did. How long have you been hiding this big secret from me?”

  I blushed and averted my gaze, staring at the puffs of smoke swirling out of the mug. Ciara cleared her throat with a serious “ahem,” urging me to say something. I swallowed hard and looked at her.

  “David’s the guy from the pub.”

  Ciara frowned, then the meaning hit her and her eyes widened. “You mean, the hot guy you crashed into? The hot colleague you’re working with? That’s fantastic!”

  She clapped her hands and giggled. Robbie looked up at us from his spot near the hearth and tilted his head to the side. I bet he was wondering if Ciara had gone crazy.

  “That’s brilliant! I mean, you’ve always been hot for him and—”

  “I wasn’t hot for him!” I lied, as I put the mug back on the coffee table. My hands were shaking, and I didn’t want to end up with a scald. Ciara quirked an eyebrow, and I reached for a Jaffa cake. I could eat the whole packet right now.

  “Yeah, and I’m the Queen of Hearts. Stop lying to me, Claire. Do you think I’m stupid?” She popped a chocolate into her mouth, and spoke around it. “I’m a little upset that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me you had feelings for David. Especially after you found out I knew him.”

  Her brow furrowed, and I felt awful. I’d never meant to hurt her. “I’m sorry. It’s just that… Well, I was ashamed of having feelings for a guy that was already taken. Besides, I didn’t know how strong my feelings were until today. I don’t want to get hurt again.”

  “Why would you think he’d hurt you? I can’t say I know him very well, since I haven’t seen him in a long time, but he used to be a great guy. I’m sure he’s grown into a wonderful man, and now he’s also a single man.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I couldn’t help chuckling. “Do you think he has feelings for you? Because, I’m telling you, from the way he was looking at you the other night…”

  “He was drunk, Ciara. Sure, he called me beautiful, but he doesn’t even remember doing it.”

  Ciara sat up straight and her eyebrows shot up. “He called you beautiful? What? When did this happen? Why did I miss it?”

  I rolled my eyes. Why had I let it slip? “You were calling his sister, and he looked at me and said I was beautiful. And today he apologized for whatever he said that night because he wasn’t himself, and he has no idea what he said.”

  “But if he thought you were beautiful, it must mean something. His inhibitions were drowned by the alcohol, so he could let his subconscious speak the words he wouldn’t have been able to say if he were sober.”

  I brought a hand to my eyes and shook my head. “Don’t psychoanalyze this, Ciara. Please. I’m not going to be your guinea pig again. I had enough of that all through college.”

  She giggled and reached for another chocolate. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But seriously, if he said those things I’m pretty sure he means them. And now that he’s single, you should make a move on him, see what happens.”

  “Nuh-uh. No way. I need my job, and I’ll have to work with him until May. What if it really was the alcohol talking for him? What would I do if he said he only sees me as a friend?” I shook my head. There was no way I’d be able to look him in the eye if he told me he didn’t feel anything for me. “Besides, I don’t want to be his rebound. He’s just broken up with his girlfriend, like two days ago. I don’t want to make a fool of myself by being upfront and scaring him off. I’m not that kind of girl, and you know it.”

  Ciara blew a raspberry through her lips. “I would do it. If I loved him like you say you do, I wouldn’t let the chance slip away. I’d go and tell him straight to his face, before someone else snatches him off the market again.”

  “But I’m not you, Ciara.” I bit off half of the Jaffa cake, and stared at the other half as the chocolate melted and smeared on my fingers. “I nearly hyperventilate every time he so much as smiles at me. You think I could tell him how I feel without having a heart attack?”

  “Pfft! Don’t be a drama queen. That’s my role.” I giggled, and she gave me a wicked grin. “If you go into shock, he could always carry out CPR on you.”

  “Ha ha. Very funny.” I glowered at her. She shrugged, totally unfazed. “Well, I guess I’d better take a shower now. I’m starting to feel cold, and I don’t want to catch something.”

  I stood up and popped the other half of the Jaffa cake into my mouth. Ciara pulled at my hoodie’s sleeve, and I looked down at her to see she was frowning. “Is that it? Is our chat over already? I don’t really feel it was useful to either of us.”

  “And why should it have been useful to you?”

  She grinned. “Because I was hoping to get some dirty details, like, I don’t know, the two of you making out in his car, or in your office when nobody was around…”

  “Ciara!”

  She giggled, and I walked away, stomping my feet intentionally until I reached my room. And that was why I’d never wanted to tell her about my crush on David—because I’d always known she’d end up wanting me to do something I’d never be able to do, to be someone I’d never be. It didn’t matter that David was single now—I wasn’t going to tell him my feelings. We were getting closer, and I liked having him as a friend. If that was all I could get, I’d accept it and be content.

  * * *

  The following day, when David walked into the office to pick up some documents, my stomach twisted. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was wrong, masochistic or just plain stupid, my feelings for him weren’t going to disappear overnight. It was only October—how was I going to last until the end of the school year pretending I didn’t care about him? Even so, I tried to act normal, but Susan stared at me more than once as David cheerfully greeted me and chatted with me for a few minutes about anything but work-related issues. The suspicions I’d had for the past few weeks were confirmed. She definitely liked him. From the way her eyes were fixed on me, as if she were hoping to burn a hole through my head with just the power of her glare, I was sure more than ever that all the things she’d said that first day about socializing with professors or, in David’s case, with lecturers, was only because she didn’t want me anywhere near him. Even so, I didn’t want to test my theory and risk getting fired if I were wrong.

  For the first time since I’d started working, I was glad David was a lecturer and only showed up a few hours a week. The less I saw his gorgeous face, the easier it would be to pretend he was only a colleague.

  Days and weeks flew by. I made it a point to never visit the pub where I knew David hung out with his friends or the one in Salthill, where he’d been that night when he’d punched Peter, and I never went jogging near the cemetery again. I stuck to the Salthill Promenade and managed to dodge Ciara’s invitations to go out with her and Aidan’s friends with some pretty well-thought excuses that at first she seemed to buy—although, at one point I’d had to come clean with her and tell her the reason why I didn’t want to leave the house. She�
��d given me grief for a while, tried to use her psychological tricks to make me change my mind, but eventually she understood and let me be. We agreed I would go out with her occasionally on a girls’ night to watch a movie. Ciara thought it was stupid of me to waste my weekends locked up in the house because of a man, but I knew it wouldn’t be forever—just until I managed to purge my system of any feelings for David. It was getting colder and I’d never been a party girl anyway, so I didn’t mind staying at home with Robbie and read a book or watch a movie while Ciara hit the town with her boyfriend.

  The last week before Christmas break, Susan was home sick with a bout of flu and I was alone in the office. When David walked in, more beautiful than ever wearing a dark V-neck sweater, with a light blue button-down underneath, and a pair of dress pants, I nearly had to pick up my jaw from the floor. All the pep talks I’d been giving myself over the past few weeks since that day outside the cemetery went flying straight out the window as soon as his silver-blue eyes locked with mine.

  He looked around and quirked an eyebrow when he saw Susan’s empty desk. “You alone?”

  I nodded. My throat had suddenly gone dry, and I didn’t trust my voice to not croak. The smile he gave me had my legs turn to jelly, and when he sat on the corner of my desk my heart skyrocketed up my throat.

  “So, any plans for the holidays?”

  I shrugged and shuffled some sheets on my desk. “I’ll be spending a few days in Dublin with my aunt and uncle.”

  “Ah, I see. You’re choosing our capital city over good ol’ Galway. Bet it’s because of the pubs in Temple Bar, right?” He winked, and I chuckled at his comment, shaking my head.

  “Not exactly. My cousin is coming home from Madrid, and the other one will bring his toddler whom I’ve never met. We’ll have a quiet family dinner, and I might take the chance to visit a few museums, maybe get to see the Trinity Library again.”

  He grinned. “Yeah, I’d forgotten I was talking to a nerd.”

  I chuckled in spite of the lump that had formed in my throat. This would be my first Christmas without my mother. She’d always loved Christmas time, and I knew it wouldn’t be the same without her.

  “Any plans for New Year’s Eve?” He folded his arms across his chest and stared at me from underneath his lashes, his expression looking a little uncomfortable. Or maybe I was just imagining things. Yes, that was probably the case.

  “I guess my cousin will probably have invitations to some party in the city,” I lied, not meeting his eyes. I was actually hoping to be home by then. I had no intention of celebrating anything. I just wanted this year to be over and for it to take all the painful moments away with it.

  David didn’t say anything, and when I looked up his face lost the frown and turned neutral. He cleared his throat and, again, I was under the impression he was nervous, as he fidgeted with the strap of his steel watch.

  “Well, if you changed your mind and you were back in town by New Year’s Eve, my friends usually throw a party at their place. It’s nothing major, just dinner and a little dancing until midnight.”

  Wait. Was he asking me out? Blood drained from my face. This was not happening. This could so not be happening to me. I was excited at the thought of going to a party with him, but at the same time it scared the life out of me, and I couldn’t really tell which emotion prevailed. What if he only needed a date for the party, just so he wouldn’t have to show up alone, and then he had no intention of ever going out with me again? Okay, now I was being silly, conjuring up all kinds of scenarios when maybe he was only being polite.

  “Um… I don’t know… I probably won’t be home until the new year, and—”

  “How about I give you my number and if you’re home, you give me a call, and I’ll tell you where the party is?”

  He grabbed a pen from my desk, and scribbled his number on a Post-It note while I stared dumbfounded at him, my heart echoing in my ears. I was positive I was close to having a heart attack, but dying in David’s arms would be a good way to go anyway.

  “There. If you change your mind, I promise you won’t regret it.” He grinned again. I was starting to love that grin a little too much. “My friends know how to throw a good party.”

  “Uh… thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  He stood, picked up his messenger bag from the floor, and turned to leave. Just before he walked through the door, he turned back and with a smile he wished me happy Christmas.

  I stared at his phone number on the Post-It note, still a little dazed, and decided to save it immediately in my phone, before I lost it. I would never forgive myself if I did. Even after the precious number was safe inside my phone book, though, I couldn’t bring myself to throw away the note, and stored it safely inside my purse, as if it were some sort of precious relic.

  I was ridiculous.

  Chapter 16

  David

  After I left the office I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. When we’d spent that Sunday morning together two months ago, the day Claire told me about her sister, I’d thought we were getting closer, that we’d been slowly crossing the line between colleagues and friends. I’d hoped that little by little, we’d manage to cross another line—that between friends and lovers. There was something about Claire that made me feel different; I felt comfortable talking with her, and opening up with her had been as easy as breathing. I’d never managed to open my heart to anyone, but with Claire I knew it could work. I barely knew her, but still my heart told me I could trust her, that she would understand. I wanted to get closer to her, to get to know her better, and to have what Kathy had with Colin—and I knew I’d be able to have that with Claire. Call it intuition or just wishful thinking, but I knew that we’d be good together.

  After that day, though, she’d pulled back. When we were at work she was polite and professional, but there was nothing more than cordiality in her behavior. I’d been so sure we’d had something going on that day, but apparently I’d been wrong. If only I could remember what I’d told her the night I was drunk. I knew that must be the reason why she’d pulled back after that Sunday morning, after I told her I didn’t remember much of that night. What could I possibly have said? I wish I knew.

  On my way out of the building I crossed Professor Murphy, and she barely acknowledged me as I greeted her politely. I let out a huff and wanted to stomp my feet all along the corridor like a child. I hated that they all treated me like this. I couldn’t wait to finish our research project and land an actual job in one of the big biomedical companies, which would help me put all the years of studies to good use and take me away from the stares and cold shoulders the older professors gave me.

  I hoped that once I’d left the university, and Claire and I weren’t colleagues anymore, she’d be more relaxed about us hanging out. I was positive that the threat of being fired if she hung out with me had been something Susan had made up because she was jealous. I wasn’t blind. I’d known all along that Susan liked me, ever since I’d first started working here. I’d never been interested in her, mainly because I was in a relationship at the time—even though that hadn’t stopped me from falling fast and hard for Claire. But Claire was different. Susan was not my type, anyway, and I hated that she’d lied to Claire and undermined any possible relationship between us just because she wanted me for herself. Too bad she wasn’t going to get her wish granted.

  I got in the car, and drove home to find my mother and Maggie elbow-deep in cookie dough. As soon as I closed the door, Maggie called out to me and I couldn’t help a smile. She could be a pain in the neck, but it was her way to show she cared.

  “Bring your fat arse over here and help us with the decorating!”

  Last year, Maggie, Kathy and I had made gingerbread men, and I’d appointed myself as the official decorator. It wouldn’t be as much fun without Kathy, whom we wouldn’t see until Christmas morning, but it was definitely a good way to keep my mind off Claire. Ready to drive Maggie crazy, I went
to hang my parka on the hook by the door and walked back into the kitchen.

  On Christmas Eve we all went to the midnight mass together, as we did every year, and when we came back, we had a cup of tea in the living room, talking about last year, when Kathy had dropped the bomb about Declan being her angel and healing her.

  Kathy arrived with Colin and his grandmother, Doreen, on Christmas Day, shortly before lunch. Even though my mother didn’t show it, I knew Kathy being so far from home was hard on her. That was the reason why I’d put off moving out. I’d wanted to give her time to adjust to all the changes in our family before I too flew the nest. Declan’s death had made me feel more responsible for my family, but at some point they’d have to understand my need for privacy and let me go.

  We shared the usual O’Hagan Christmas lunch, which meant we could probably have invited the whole neighborhood and there’d still be leftovers, and after the dessert was served we all moved to the living room. I’d noticed Kathy staring surreptitiously at me throughout the meal, and I knew she was waiting for the right time to ask me about Michelle. She’d tried to make me open up on the phone, but I told her we’d talk about it in person, and I knew she couldn’t wait to get me alone. When our eyes met from the opposite sides of the living room, I knew I couldn’t delay it any longer.

  “Um, Kathy, can I talk to you for a sec?”

  Colin frowned at my serious tone, and I knew I owed the whole story to him too, since he’d been the one to open my eyes to my relationship with Michelle, but I guessed we’d have time on New Year’s Eve, when they’d come down to celebrate with me and my friends—even though I knew my sister would update him way before then.

  Kathy kissed Colin’s cheek and said she’d be right back, crossed the room and linked her arm through mine. “Where’s my Christmas present, Brother dearest?” she asked, cheerfully.