Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “I’ve always liked dogs best, but I’d sort of got attached to that flea bag after a while. Our mother never allowed us to have any other pets afterwards. She didn’t want our sisters to get upset when they died, although I think she was the one who loved that cat more than anyone else in the house.”

  Aww, we were both dog lovers! Weren’t we just made for each other?

  He sat on the couch next to me, and I shook away the thought while resisting the urge to move away from him. Why hadn’t he sat on the opposite armchair? I couldn’t think straight with his body so close to me. I stood up to pour the tea, fumbled with the teapot and managed to spill tea on the tray, nearly scalding my fingers.

  “Shoot!”

  David stood up and reached for the teapot. His hands brushed mine, and it was all I could do not to drop the teapot right there.

  “Careful, now.” David took hold of the teapot and I immediately released my grip on it. He poured tea into both mugs, and I sat back on the couch. He handed me a mug and sat next to me. Way too close for my mental sanity.

  “You okay?” He stared at me and tilted his head toward my trembling hand. I nodded.

  “No harm done. I’m just a little shaken. Um… because of the book.”

  Okay, that was just a little white lie, but he didn’t seem to notice. He took a sip of tea and averted his gaze, but I didn’t let this discourage me. I needed to know the truth, and I hoped he’d trust me enough to share it with me.

  “I know this is probably a weird question, but is this just fiction or…?”

  He shifted uncomfortably on the couch, squeezed his hands around the mug and stared into it.

  “I thought you’d said you don’t believe in miracles. You know, the day of the signing.” His tone was wary, just like the stare he gave me when he looked up from the mug.

  “I know I said that but now…” I couldn’t keep my hands from shaking a little, so I placed the mug back on the table. “The story in the book felt so real, as if Kathy really experienced all of the things she described. I don’t know, it felt… weird. A good kind of weird, though.”

  He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, holding his breath for five seconds before he let it out and opened his eyes again.

  “How open-minded are you?” He looked up into my eyes, a quirked eyebrow showing he wasn’t sure if he could trust me. I held his stare.

  “After what happened to my sister and then my mother, I’ve always been rather… skeptical.”

  He deflated as his shoulders sagged and he looked away. I wanted him to trust me; I needed to know the truth, because I knew there was more to this book than just writer’s imagination. I felt it deep down in my soul, although I couldn’t quite explain the feeling.

  “Something changed while I was reading Kathy’s book, though. I know it probably sounds absurd, but it was as if I could feel a comforting presence beside me; the more I read, the more I wished it weren’t just fiction… you know, that my mum or my sister were actually in the room with me.”

  I blinked twice to fight back the tears. He bit his bottom lip, inhaled deeply and held it in for a few seconds, visibly torn about what to say.

  “The last time I tried to talk about this, I was labeled crazy and got nearly hit by a can of soda.” His lips curled in a half grin, a rather sad one though. “But something tells me I won’t have the same reaction from you. I feel… I feel I can trust you. I just hope I’m not wrong.”

  I smiled and nodded. “I promise I won’t throw anything at you.”

  He chuckled, and put the mug back onto the tray. His fingers lingered on it for a second before he sat back, facing me.

  “If I tell you the whole story, you must promise you’ll never tell anyone, not even Ciara.”

  I swallowed. Wow, this was more serious than I’d thought.

  “I don’t want Kathy or my family to get hurt.”

  I nodded, unable to think of something clever to say. He clasped his hands together in his lap and stared at them for a minute before he spoke again. He told me everything, starting from the day of the accident, how Kathy was in a wheelchair for six months afterwards, how she and Colin met and fell in love, and how his brother had become Kathy’s guardian angel and stayed with her all through the toughest times, guiding her and healing her when the time was finally right. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that the story Kathy had written wasn’t that far from what had happened to her. Sure, she’d changed names, added a few fictional scenes and changed some parts, but the main part, the angel saving the heroine in the book, was Kathy’s real-life story.

  After David was finished with his confession I was speechless. My heart glowed for the first time in years.

  “Have you ever seen him after he… died?”

  He hung his head and shook it. “No. Only Kathy got to see him, because he was her guardian angel. And after he healed her he told her she’d never see him again, although he’d always be around.”

  “The warm hugs and the rainbow, right?”

  He nodded. “Sometimes when I’m by his grave, I can feel it too. His hug. It’s like… like a warm blanket being wrapped around my shoulders. It always fills me with peace.” He looked back up at me and his eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “And he also gave me a message via a fogged up window on our first Christmas Eve without him. That’s when I knew for sure it was all real—even though I’d never really doubted Kathy’s words.”

  “Wow.” The word tumbled out with the breath I’d been holding. Yes, I’d been skeptical before, but hearing David telling me the whole story with glistening eyes and a trembling voice, seeing the way his eyes had lit up when he’d told me how his brother had healed Kathy had lent truth to a story that, only a few weeks ago, I would’ve thought was a joke.

  David smiled. “Sounds crazy, huh?”

  I shook my head vehemently. “Not at all. It’s actually very comforting to know he’s still alive somewhere else.”

  “You’re the first outside my family to hear the whole story. Well, apart from Colin, who went through it with Kathy.”

  I arched a brow. “You didn’t tell your girlfriend?”

  He shook his head, and looked away. “When Kathy came clean with all of us, it’d been only a few months since I’d started dating Michelle. It’s not something you can tell someone over a candlelight dinner, know what I mean?” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. I wanted to reach out for him and wrap my arms around him. “If I have to be honest, when I started thinking about telling her, things had become rather strained between us. I…” He cleared his throat and scratched his cheek. “I wasn’t myself. It’s just as if I was feeling the blow months afterwards, even though it’s been two years since he died.”

  “I’ve read a lot of books on the subject: everyone has different ways of grieving. Some people are in denial and think they’re doing fine until something flips a switch and it hits you in the face. By then you’re not ready to face it and it all crashes down on you.”

  “Did this happen to you, too? After you lost your sister, I mean?” His eyes sparkled, and I was sure it was all he could do not to cry in front of me.

  “It took a while for it to hit me; I was too young to really understand what had happened. Obviously I missed my sister, but once I went back to school and was surrounded by carefree children my age, I almost forgot the emptiness in my heart. After my family imploded and I was alone with my mum, who cried herself to sleep every night, I realized I had to be strong for her, so I sort of shoved it under the carpet.”

  “That must’ve been so hard for a child your age.”

  I nodded. “I grew up pretty fast after that, and I never let it come back to surface. Not until I went home to find my mother wearing a handkerchief on her head and telling me there was nothing else she could do but wait for her time to go. That was when it all came crashing down on me, but I once again pushed it to the recess of my mind, because my mother needed me and I couldn’t break down in front of her
.”

  His hand unexpectedly took mine, and I flinched. He didn’t let go though, only squeezed it tighter.

  “I’m sorry, Claire.”

  I gave him a fake smile, the one I’d perfected after the funeral and that I’d given everyone who’d offered their condolences after my mum died.

  “I hadn’t cried—truly, ugly cried with sobs and all—since the moment my mum took her last breath. Then I read Kathy’s story, and every single emotion I’d buried deep down overflowed and brought me down on my knees. It hurt like hell, but in a way it was...”

  “Liberating,” he said at the same time I did.

  We smiled, our eyes veiled with tears, and at that moment I felt a connection with him that went way beyond what I’d thought was nothing more than mere physical attraction or a bad crush. It felt almost spiritual, as if our souls had connected on a higher level and had melted into one.

  His gaze locked with mine, his beautiful silver-blue eyes bearing into me, as if they could see inside my head, reach deep down and scrutinize my soul. The fire crackled in the hearth, the wind was howling outside and the rain was pelting down and against the windows, but the only sound I cared about was his deep, steady breathing.

  He leaned closer, and my heart rate picked up. His face was only inches from mine, his breath warm on my cheek. I shivered. He reached up to cup my cheek in his hand and I couldn’t help leaning into his touch. My heart was in overdrive—my body was a furnace, even though I was covered in goosebumps.

  Okay, I think my time has come. I’m going to die before I manage to know what it’d be like to kiss him.

  He tilted his head and his lips were now hovering over mine. I closed my eyes, held my breath and braced for what I knew would light up fireworks inside my body. Only a second and his lips would be on mine. A tiny second and…

  “Hey, there’s a car in the driveway!”

  The door slammed open and we both moved apart with a start. Perfect timing, Ciara.

  “Whose… oh. Oops.”

  Ciara froze mid-step when she entered the living room and saw David sitting close to me, his arm now resting casually on the backrest of the couch. I sprang up and felt the urge to straighten my clothes, even though I’d done nothing that could’ve crumpled them. Still, I felt as if a parent had just caught me while I was making out on the couch. From the way my cheeks were burning, I was positive my face was all shades of red.

  “I thought you said you wanted to read a book in your jammies… If all you wanted was a bit of privacy, you could’ve just said so.”

  She gave me a wicked grin, and I knew I’d never live it down.

  “She did read a book; that’s why I’m here.” David stood up and brushed his hands on his jeans. Were his hands as clammy as mine? Ciara frowned. “She read Kathy’s book and she wanted to ask me something.”

  He looked at me and a rush of pleasure raced through me, knowing he’d trusted me with his secret but he wasn’t going to tell Ciara about it.

  Ciara scrutinized our faces for a few seconds, narrowing her eyes as if she was hoping to intimidate us enough into telling her the truth. I knew she’d probably have me spill the beans later about what had nearly happened on that couch, but I didn’t want David to be around when I told her about that almost kiss. I’d probably take my revenge by making her feel guilty for interrupting our special moment, even though the sensible part of me was grateful that she’d stopped me from doing something that, technically, could make me lose my job.

  The part of me that was hopelessly attracted to David wasn’t grateful, though. I really wanted to know what his lips felt like pressed against mine.

  “I guess I’d better head home now.” David looked at me with a crooked smile. “Walk me out?”

  “Yes, go ahead, Claire. Show him the door so we can start our chat.”

  I rolled my eyes, and walked to the door, followed closely by David.

  “I don’t envy you,” he whispered from behind my back before waving Ciara good night. My skin burned where his breath tickled it.

  “I heard that, O’Hagan!” Ciara shouted from the living room.

  David chuckled and stopped on the threshold just before stepping out. He turned back and his eyes were sparkling with mischief.

  “Um… about that kiss… I’ll take a rain-check now, if you don’t mind.”

  I came skyrocketing down from my high at his statement. He saw my face fall and smiled sweetly. “I don’t want our first kiss to be a quick, stolen peck on your doorstep while your housemate is eavesdropping.” He looked over my shoulder. “Mind your own business, Ciara!”

  A giggle came from the living room, confirming David’s suspicions. He put a hand on my cheek and I couldn’t help leaning into him again, into his warm, gentle touch.

  “When I kiss you for the first time, Claire Neeson, you’re gonna need paramedics to assist you, ’cause I’ll blow your mind,” he gently whispered as he brushed his thumb across my cheek, igniting a fire inside of me I had no idea I’d ever get to feel.

  “A little self-confident, aren’t you?”

  He grinned and I had to make a monumental effort not to take his face in my hands and kiss him all over.

  “If a simple brush of your fingers nearly sent me into shock months ago, I can barely imagine what will happen when our lips mash. Get ready for fireworks.” He said the last words close to my ear, and his soft breath was enough to make my whole body tingle with anticipation. I hated that Ciara had interrupted our intimate moment; now I knew I would never be able to stop thinking about how it would feel like to kiss him. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him again and thanked God that tomorrow was Sunday and we didn’t have to go to work.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow, and I’ll take you on a proper date somewhere nice, okay?”

  A date. With David. I was seconds away from a heart attack. Dear God, please don’t claim my life now, not until I’ve kissed this wonderful man standing on my doorstep.

  My voice failed me and I nodded, like one of those annoying bobble-head toys. Jaisus, I felt like an idiot. I’d tried to stay away from him, to push back my feelings, but after tonight I was done with running away. I desperately wanted to date David, to spend time with him, holding hands and stealing kisses. I had a whole day to think about how to be with him and keep my job at the same time. Maybe we could hide it until the end of the semester or something like that. I was sure I’d come up with a plan—I knew Ciara would help me find a way.

  “Good. Go to bed now, get a good night sleep, ’cause we’re staying up late tomorrow.” He placed a soft peck on my cheek and his lips seared my skin. I was pretty sure they’d left a permanent tattoo there. “Good night, my beautiful Rose of Tralee.”

  My beautiful Rose of Tralee? He’d already called me beautiful twice, even though I’d never thought of myself as beautiful. The words coming out of his mouth made me feel pretty inside and out, and my heart warmed. I stood still at the door staring as he got into his car and drove away. My cheeks hurt from the silly smile that wouldn’t leave my face, and my heart thudded in my throat and fluttered all around my chest, as if it had sprouted wings and was taking its maiden flight.

  Okay, I’d officially gone crazy. Crazy for David Dazzling Eyes O’Hagan—and I didn’t mind one bit.

  Chapter 20

  David

  After I left Claire on her porch, I drove home feeling lightheaded. The ten-minute drive provided enough time for me to think of a nice way to make our first date special. If it hadn’t been for Ciara and her theatrical way of walking into the house, I wouldn’t feel so frustrated at the missed kiss. I’d wanted to know how those lips would taste basically since I’d first met Claire, and I’d been only a second away from finding out. Thank you, Ciara.

  Tomorrow, nothing and nobody would stop me, though. I’d make sure to take her as far away as possible from anyone who might know us, mainly because we hadn’t had the chance to broach the subject of the annoying no-dating-colleagues po
licy and how we’d manage to work around it. It would feel weird if we bumped into Susan or one of the professors while we were strolling hand in hand or, even worse, when I finally managed to kiss her. I was sure that would send Claire running, and I couldn’t risk losing her.

  The farther we were from Galway, the better. I could take her south on a trip to the Cliffs of Moher, and we’d be sharing our first kiss 390 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. Incredibly romantic. Then on our drive home, we’d stop in some quaint little village, have dinner in a pub, and maybe once we got home she’d invite me in and we could cuddle on the couch in her living room—hopefully without Ciara barging in on us this time. I couldn’t really hope she’d show me her bedroom on our first date, and even if she did I’d probably turn her down. I wanted to take things slow, do things right, savor every moment with her. I wanted to court her the old-fashioned way, make her fall head over heels in love with me, and make sure she’d never want to look at another man.

  I had a silly grin plastered on my face from the moment I left Claire till the moment I got into bed. I hadn’t felt this happy in a long time.

  Little did I know I was just about to experience the worst twenty-four hours of my life.

  The scene looked familiar, as if I’d been there before. I was on the sidewalk opposite the aquarium, looking around at the people on the street. I knew I was looking for someone, but I didn’t know whom, so I just stared at the faces of the people passing me by without really even seeing any of them. It was just like one of those horror movies where people don’t have faces—they only have empty heads with no eyes, nose or mouth.

  I cringed and turned around, watching as cars rounded the roundabout, and it was then I saw her: the only person with a face, a beautiful face too. She was wearing a knit hat but there was no mistaking the distinctive ginger locks escaping from it. I narrowed my eyes, and then it hit me.

  I knew her.

  I’d know her anywhere.

  Claire.

  The sense of déjà vu hit me hard, squeezing my chest and almost choking me. I’d been here before, on this same cloudy day, at this time of day, and I’d seen that same woman with the red hat, the same kid with the blue baseball cap, the same man with the mustache and the beer belly.