Finding Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “Sure. I’ll take a seat somewhere and start reading it while I wait.”

  Kathy blushed like a little girl again, and my heart warmed. She wasn’t my baby sister anymore, but I still wanted to give her a bear hug, lift her off her feet and twirl her around like I used to do when she was a toddler.

  I moved aside to let the girl in line after me step in front of the desk, and I opened the front cover to find a lovely dedication in my sister’s flowing handwriting.

  To David.

  I’m proud to have you as my brother. Thank you for always sticking around and caring about me, even when I didn’t deserve it.

  Oh, and thanks for the fantastic pen, too!

  Love you.

  Kathy xox

  I smiled. We’d been through a lot, but if anything, the tragedy that had hit our family had brought us close again, the way we were before we drifted apart.

  As I turned around, a flash of ginger hair caught my eye, and my heart jumped with delight. Claire was waiting in line, her nose stuck in the book as her eyes scanned the blurb on the inner jacket cover. Ciara was right in front of her in the queue, and was busy talking on the phone.

  I stepped closer and considered playing a prank, but scaring her in the middle of a bookstore wouldn’t be a smooth move, so I cleared my throat to catch her attention, before I spoke to her.

  “Hey, Claire.”

  She looked up from the book, and her cheeks colored a little. She was adorable when she blushed.

  “It was nice of you to come. Kathy will be happy to see ya.”

  She shrugged. “I’m more of a mystery kind of reader, and after what happened to my sister and my mum, I don’t really believe in angels or miracles. The blurb seems rather intriguing, though.” She smiled, but a lead weight settled on my heart. She doesn’t believe.

  “Besides, it’s not every day I can say I know a published author. Maybe one day when she’s famous, I’ll get interviewed and I could say I knew her from the start.” She gave me a cheeky grin, and I couldn’t help laughing, quickly forgetting my previous disappointment. She was cute, all right.

  Okay. Enough of that already, O’Hagan.

  “Well, I’ll go browse the shelves while I wait for my sister to be free. Thanks again for buying her book.”

  I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt I needed to put some distance between myself and the redhead. She was causing weird thoughts to race through my mind, and a bookshop wasn’t the best place to let my hormones run wild. I was a guy and I couldn’t control my instincts when a sexy girl smiled at me like that.

  Sexy?

  Yep, it was definitely time to turn on my heels and get the hell away from here. From her.

  “I’ll see you at work,” she whispered and gave me a coy smile. That smile was going to be my undoing.

  Pull yourself together, O’Hagan.

  I walked away, headed toward the non-fiction section of the store, trying to keep a normal pace, even though all I wanted to do was run. What was the matter with me? I wasn’t a kid anymore, but every time Claire looked at me with those rich brown eyes of hers, I all but forgot my own name.

  Half an hour or so later, Colin, Maggie and my parents huddled around the table where Kathy had been signing her books, chatting happily with her. I checked that Claire wasn’t around, and when I couldn’t spot her trademark ginger hair anywhere near my sister, I walked toward the group. It was only when I was two feet away from them that Ciara jumped out of nowhere, hugged my sister and congratulated her. Claire was right behind her, holding her copy of Kathy’s book to her chest, as if it could shield her from the world. A weird sense of protectiveness washed over me, and I wanted to step closer and wrap my arms around her.

  I’d always thought she reminded me of a little bird that had fallen out of the nest and looked scared and lost. It was almost as if she wanted to fade into the background and disappear. One thing was for sure: she’d never strive to be the center of attention, unlike Ciara.

  Maybe I simply saw her like a girl in need of protection, and that was the reason why my big brother instinct kicked in whenever she’d been around. It had nothing to do with physical attraction or anything involving other feelings—feelings I wasn’t sure I comprehended.

  She looked at me, and smiled.

  Big brother instinct my arse.

  The moment those Bambi eyes locked with mine, I could swear my legs turned to jelly, and all the blood flew from my brain to head south. Much southerly. Uh-oh. My being single wasn’t doing me any good if I managed to get these kinds of thoughts in the middle of a bookshop and with my parents at arm’s length. Yes, I was simply sexually frustrated. That was it. Plain and simple. There were no other reasons behind my body’s reaction to her nearness. I had to control my instincts until I was sure that, if I did make a move on her, she wouldn’t push me away. I didn’t want to lose her as a friend, and I had a feeling I’d have to tiptoe around her for a little while longer, if I hoped to have a chance to be something more than just a colleague or a friend.

  Deep breaths, David. Deep breaths and you’ll be all right.

  Luckily enough, a moment later Ciara said she had to leave, and after she hugged my sister one last time, and Kathy hugged and thanked Claire, they left, allowing the blood to flow back to my brain where I hoped the lack of oxygen hadn’t done some permanent damage.

  Colin and I exchanged a guys’ hug, and he said something about challenging me at Grand Theft Auto tonight. I nodded, even though I wasn’t quite sure what exactly he’d said to me. For all I knew, he could’ve told me he’d just stolen a car, and I would’ve said “sure, great” all the same.

  The whole O’Hagan clan, and the one non-O’Hagan member, left the store ten minutes later and we ended up spending the rest of the afternoon in a tea room, eating cupcakes and celebrating Kathy’s success. Ever the sweet tooth, I could’ve eaten ten cupcakes in a row without blinking if it hadn’t been for the nagging at the back of my mind that twisted my stomach in knots and spoiled the party.

  I wanted to be with Claire but she kept giving me mixed signals, and it was driving me crazy. I wanted to tell her my feelings, but I was afraid of scaring her off. Besides, after she’d openly admitted not believing in angels, how could I hope of having any kind of future with her? I’d thought I could trust her, that I’d finally found the right person whom I’d be able to share my secret with, but apparently I’d been wrong.

  Too bad I was already knee-deep. Getting over her at this point would be the toughest task I’d ever had to deal with.

  Chapter 19

  Claire

  The whole week passed, and I still had trouble thinking of David without my heart nearly rising up my throat. No matter how many times I’d told myself I couldn’t get involved with him, whenever he was around those piercing blue eyes, the shaggy hair, and the heady scent of his cologne always turned my brain to mush. As soon as I’d left Eason bookstore after the signing, I’d ended up in the cologne section in a Boots pharmacy and tried all the testers until I’d found it. The small sample card I’d sprayed with the cologne was now on my nightstand and its delicious smell stayed with me long after I’d fallen asleep, making me dream of David, and hitting my nostrils first thing in the morning.

  If Ciara heard my thoughts right now, she’d give me grief. It was a good thing she’d gone out with Aidan tonight, and I was home alone with Robbie. At least he wouldn’t be pushing me to be social and find myself a man. Ha. As if I could think of anyone else but David.

  After a quick dinner of crackers, cheese and some fruit, I put on my favorite flannel pyjamas even though it was barely after seven p.m., and while the rain was, unsurprisingly, pouring down outside, I stoked the fire, grabbed a blanket and Kathy’s book, and plopped onto the armchair next to the hearth. Just a normal way to spend a Saturday night for me.

  Robbie looked expectantly at me with his plastic bone between his teeth, hoping for some action.

  I shook my head, and smiled
. “Sorry, sweetie. No playing tonight. Take a nap and enjoy the quiet while Ciara’s away.”

  He wagged his short tail, dropped the bone and barked once. I bent down to scratch his ears, and when I settled back into my comfortable armchair, he understood there’d be no bone throwing tonight. He spun in a circle once and settled by the fire, resting his head on his front paws.

  “Good boy,” I said, before opening the book and losing myself in Kathy’s writing.

  Four hours later I was a crying mess, curled up in a ball on the armchair. Crumpled tissues were scattered all over the floor, together with a couple of chocolate bar wrappers. My eyes were swollen and sore, and at some point I’d had to stop and remove my contacts in exchange for my glasses.

  Sometime between my toilet break and the comfort food hunt, Robbie must have sensed my mood swing, as he’d gotten up from his comfortable spot by the fire and had jumped onto the armchair and sat on my legs. He’d yelped a couple of times, nuzzled my hand and given it a lick with his small, rough tongue before settling his furry head on my stomach. He hadn’t moved from that spot until I finally closed the book and held it to my chest.

  I heaved a few sobs, sniffled and blew my nose loudly, making Robbie sit on his haunches and stare at me with his head tilted to the side. He was so cute I couldn’t help smiling. I picked him up and held him the way I used to hold my teddy bear when I was little and I’d had a nightmare.

  It took a few more sobs before I finally managed to pull myself together. I stood up from the armchair, with the book in one hand and Robbie close to my chest, and went straight to the kitchen, where I took a few gulps of water to calm my nerves, even though I reckoned a glass of something stronger might have worked better.

  Robbie licked my chin, and I giggled, grateful for the comfort he was providing. I put him down, reached into the cupboard and pulled out a dog cookie; he deserved a special treat. His tail waggled frantically as soon as he recognized the rustling of the cookie bag, and I let him have it directly from my hand, chuckling when his rough tongue tickled my skin to lick off the crumbs.

  I took another large gulp of water, and when I turned and saw my cell sitting on top of the counter, I reached for it. Without thinking, I scrolled through the contacts, and pressed dial when I found the number I was looking for. I knew this was insane, and it might give him a hint about how I felt for him, but I had to talk to him. I needed answers, and since I didn’t have Kathy’s number, he was the only one who could give them to me. In the worst of cases, he’d already be asleep and the call would go to voicemail, but at least I’d tried. I was grateful he’d come up with the brilliant idea of giving me his phone number.

  The phone rang a couple of times before I heard his voice shouting at me to “hold on a sec” above voices and music. I drummed my fingers on the kitchen counter, with my heart beating at breakneck speed and Robbie rubbing his head against my calf, begging for another cookie.

  A moment later the background noise faded until there was silence, then, “Hello?” and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest at the sound of his voice. Jaisus, Claire, get a grip.

  “David, it’s Claire. Um… is this a bad time?” Now I wasn’t so sure this call had been a good idea.

  “Oh. Hey, Claire. Hi.” His tone sounded more surprised than annoyed. That was a good sign, right? “No, no, you’re grand. I was at the pub with some friends, but I was just about to call it a night. What’s up?”

  I inhaled deeply and held it in for a couple of seconds, waited for my heartbeat to slow down, and then let it all out in a rush. “I’ve read the book. I’ve just finished it. I… um… there’s something I need to know.”

  Silence.

  Uh-oh. Not a good sign.

  “Tell me the truth: this isn’t all fiction, is it?”

  More silence.

  I stared at the display, wondering whether we’d been disconnected but we hadn’t. I brought the receiver to my ear and his labored breathing down the line confirmed he was still there.

  “Please, tell me this is all real, that the girl in the story is Kathy and her angel is your brother…”

  “Claire, I…” he said just before letting out a sigh. I waited for him to go on. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed. Maybe I should just hang up and let it go.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I’ll… uh… I’ll let you go back to your friends.” My hand shook, and my voice wobbled. I was making a fool of myself. Smart move, Claire. Smart move, indeed.

  “Nah, it’s okay. I was heading home anyway.” I heard the beep of a car lock, and a door close immediately afterwards. I didn’t want him to drive while he was on the phone with me, risking an accident.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but he beat me to it.

  “I don’t want to talk about this on the phone. It’s… it’s a long story. Can we meet somewhere, or is it too late? I’m just across the bridge of the Spanish Arch. I could drive wherever you want to meet.”

  My heart, which had just recently gone back to a normal speed, slammed against my ribcage like one of those metallic spheres in a pinball machine. “Actually, if you want to come over, I can make you a cup of tea or something. I’m not really looking forward to going out in the pouring rain.”

  Silence, again.

  What was I thinking, inviting him to my house at eleven at night? Was I stupid or simply masochistic?

  “Sure, sounds great. I’ll be there in five. Although, I think I might need something a little stronger than tea, if you want the whole story.”

  What? Had he just said he’d come to my house? When Ciara was out and we would be all alone? I was heading the right way for a heart attack.

  I hung up and ran up the stairs to get changed. I couldn’t do much about the pitiful state of my face, but I definitely wasn’t going to welcome him wearing my sheep-patterned pyjamas.

  When I opened the door five minutes later, to the sound of the pouring rain on the rooftop of the porch and the metal of his car parked in our driveway, David was standing there with his hands deep inside the pockets of his coat. A frown marred his beautiful face, but it eased into a soft smile when he saw me.

  “Aha! I was sure you owned a pair of nerdy glasses.”

  I blushed and stared at my feet. In my haste of changing from my pyjamas into something a little more presentable, I’d forgotten to put on my contacts again. I hated people seeing me with my black-rimmed glasses; they made me feel… well, nerdy.

  “Now you look like a real librarian. You only need a plaid skirt and you’ll be perfect.”

  He chuckled and I looked up at him: he was more gorgeous than ever, even with his hair wet and more mussed than I’d ever seen it, and his glasses stained with raindrops.

  Wait, he’s wearing glasses!

  They were rimless and rectangular, so I hadn’t noticed them only a minute ago, when I’d averted my gaze and become very interested in my slippers to avoid his stare.

  I smiled broadly, quickly forgetting my embarrassment, and pointed at his face. “Look who’s talking. Your glasses make you look like a real old-school professor.”

  He grinned. “That’s why I only wear them at home, but my contacts were killing me tonight.” He cleared his throat and rocked on his heels a couple of times. “So… will you let me in, or did your invitation actually mean I’d be having a cup of tea standing on the front steps in the pouring rain?”

  I opened the door wider and stepped aside, my cheeks as bright as a neon sign. “Sorry, didn’t mean to be rude. Come on in.”

  He wiped his feet on the rug before he stepped inside, and when he walked past me the scent of his cologne inebriated my senses. The scent on the small test card had nearly faded, and smelling it directly off him was a million times better.

  “Have a seat in the living room, while I put on the kettle.” I was eager to disappear into the kitchen, before I did something stupid like wrapping my arms around his neck and sniffing him as if he were a flower. “Um, is tea okay? O
r would you like something else? I think we have Baileys and probably a bottle of Jameson—”

  “Tea’s fine, Claire. I was kidding about the something stronger part.” He winked at me and my cheeks heated. I spun to hide my reaction, although I was sure it was a little too late.

  “Um, okay, then I’ll bring the mugs into the living room. I’ll be right back.”

  “Milk, no sugar, please. Just in case you were wondering.” I turned around at his words. He gave me a lopsided grin, and my legs wobbled a little. I was really acting like an idiot. In my haste of getting away from his and his delicious scent, I’d completely forgotten my manners.

  I nodded and disappeared into the kitchen. My hands were shaking so bad, I risked spilling tea all over the kitchen counter and breaking the mugs in the process. I pulled out a packet of Jaffa cakes; I didn’t know if he wanted any, but I was sure I could use some more comfort food. Maybe inviting him over hadn’t been such a good idea.

  Less than five minutes later, I walked into the living room, holding the tray with slightly steadier hands, and froze when I saw him sitting on the floor petting Robbie. That dog was a sucker for cuddles, but seeing David so at ease in my living room, as if he belonged here, made something twist inside me. He looked up and smiled at me.

  “We used to have a cat when we were little; it was actually Kathy’s cat.” He kept rubbing Robbie’s belly and didn’t seem to have any intention of getting up. “One day he got run over by a car. Declan and I agreed not to tell Kathy, so we buried him in the backyard and told Kathy he’d gone off with some friends. We knew she’d be devastated if she knew what had happened.”

  He gave Robbie one last belly rub, then stood up and I finally set the tray on the coffee table, and took a seat on the couch. I’d been mesmerized by the vision and hadn’t realized how stupid I must’ve looked, standing there holding a tray with shaky hands.