“You really are fucking relentless, aren’t you, Tom,” Kieran told him. “Con’s gonna be ten times more protective now that he’s staked his claim.”
“Tough shit, arsehole,” Tommy replied cockily, “cause right now Danny’s dropping medicine balls on Con’s stomach, and I’m going home with his girl’s chocolate cake.”
I laughed as Tommy ducked Kieran’s jab, without as much as tilting the tin. He might not be as tall as the other boys, but he sure was quick. As the guys went back to their training, I felt a quick wet peck against my cheek.
“Thanks, sunshine,” Tommy told me, in possibly the first serious tone that he’d used since I’d known him.
“No one’s ever done anything that nice for me before. Making it yourself rather than buying it takes work. It’s gonna make me Ma cry, but in a nice way, you know? So thanks,” he said, then kissed me quickly on the cheek again and legged it before Kieran caught him.
“You’re welcome,” I called back as he fled.
As I turned to go into my office, I saw O’Connell back in the gym. He’d finished with the medicine ball and was pounding on the speedball so hard, I was sure it would break. His rhythm was literally seamless, and his face a mask of concentration. He didn’t miss a beat, though, as he caught my eye, smiled, and winked at me. This earned him an ear bashing from Danny, which didn’t faze O’Connell, but had me fleeing back to the computer. I didn’t see him when Kieran came to take me home, and I suspected that Danny was deliberately scheduling O’Connell’s runs to coincide with my arrival and departure. He didn’t even come in with subs, but Kieran explained that O’Connell wouldn’t be paying them anymore.
“How’s he doing?” I probed, as we walked out.
“Seriously, he’s training like a fucking animal. I’ve never seen him fight like this. He’s like a machine. Danny would be pretty excited if he wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he explained.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Con only goes off the rails when his ma falls off the wagon. It’s like they’re linked. When’s she’s doing good, he’s doing good. Danny’s agreed to train him because he left home, and he’s never done that before. When she finds out what Con’s doing, she’s gonna be pissed. Either that or she’ll want a piece of the action. That’s when Danny thinks the shit will really hit the fan.”
“Why wouldn’t she be happy that O’Connell is really trying to make something of himself? Unless she’s worried about him getting hurt.”
“She couldn’t give a fuck about him,” scoffed Kieran. “The selfish bitch likes Con to come running when she needs him. She likes being the centre of his world. I guess fighting takes away from that. Plus, he doesn’t have any money to help her out now.”
The whole relationship sounded toxic to me. My own example of a mum was just as bad, though, so I kept my feelings to myself.
“Do you think he’ll go back once she finds out?” I asked.
“No, Em. I think you were the game changer he needed. As long as you don’t bail on him, I think he’ll see past her bullshit this time.”
Kieran was good company on the walk home, keeping me entertained with stories of all the trouble they used to get into. After he made sure that I was safely in my apartment, I went straight to bed, happier than I’d been in a long time.
A tapping sound against the window woke me with a start. As usual, my first thought was that Frank had found me. But he’d be breaking down my front door like it was his right to come in that way. The noise continued, and I risked moving back the curtain slightly to see who was out there. O’Connell stood under the street lamp throwing stones. I looked back at the clock to see that it was gone midnight. Pushing up the window, I could feel the bitter bite of frost creep into the already chilly room.
“Hey,” I called down.
“Hey, baby. I’m sorry to wake you, but I missed you today. I was hoping to say goodnight.”
“Come up then. I’ll buzz you in.”
There was no time to change or even check my appearance in the mirror. Seconds after pressing the ancient buzzer to the main front entrance, O’Connell was knocking lightly on my door. He must have raced up the stairs. I opened up for him, bleary-eyed and conscious that I was dressed only in a pair of old boy shorts and a fleecy sweater. Dumping his training bag inside the door, he pulled me toward him, and I became a soft sleepy puddle in his arms. He kissed me gently, almost reverently. He kissed me like it was our first kiss, like I was a priceless treasure that could be broken or stolen from him at any moment.
“You know friends don’t kiss,” I reminded him, and he grinned back at me.
“Fuck that. I kiss Kier all the time.” I laughed that this would be his answer every time we blurred the line of friendship.
“Shit, baby. It’s freezing in here. Get back into bed.”
“Umm,” I protested. “I don’t want to let you leave yet.”
“I’ll get in with you for a bit.”
Appeased, I turned to look at the front door.
“Can you lock it up for me? I won’t relax until it’s locked.”
“Nobody’s gonna get to you while I’m here.”
I gave him a sad smile of agreement, but my heart wasn’t in it. I knew rationally that he was right, but phobias were deeply ingrained and not easily dispelled. What it Frank found me with O’Connell and attacked him when his guard was down? A thousand ‘what ifs’ ran through my mind and must have shown on my face.
“Okay, sunshine. You get back into bed, and I’ll sort out the door.”
He didn’t realise how much of a big deal it already was for me to let O’Connell check the door rather than doing it myself, but I’d never willingly let him know how deep my fears ran. The sheets were still warm as I slid between them. O’Connell shrugged off his jacket and clothes, leaving them draped over the chair in the corner. In only his jeans, he climbed into my small bed beside me. He didn’t give me time to worry about what would happen next.
“Turn on your side away from me, Em.”
Doing as he asked, his big hand pulled me back against him, spooning me in the cradle of his chest. My sweater had risen up slightly and he traced gentle circles over my stomach. I could feel his need for me hard against me, but it didn’t seem to bother him so I ignored it.
“How was training?” I whispered in the darkness.
“Brutal. Danny says he’s beating all the pussy out of me.” He chuckled. “I’m aching in muscles I didn’t know I had.”
I was fully aware of every one of his muscles, even if he wasn’t. I’d happily rub each one of them better given half the chance.
“Is there anything I can do?” I whispered innocently.
“You’re doing it,” he said, and I could feel him smiling against my hair. “If I got to feel like this every night, I’d happily take a beating or two.”
“You know that cuddles with me do come without the beatings, don’t you?” I asked him.
“I know, baby,” he mumbled, “but at least this way I feel like I’ve spent a bit of every day earning them.”
He paused, and I thought he’d fallen asleep.
“I heard what you did for Tommy. That was really nice of you.”
“I thought you’d be mad because Tommy’s been winding you up about my number.”
“I’m pissed that he got to try your chocolate cake before I did, but his ma will love it. It’s just another thing that makes you pretty fucking spectacular.”
“It wasn’t much, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll make you a chocolate cake when you win your next fight.”
“Oh, so there are conditions attached to my chocolate cake then?” He chuckled, sleepily.
“I’m doing my best to keep you in peak physical condition. When we’re old and grey, I’ll feed you chocolate cake every day.”
I felt him swallow as he whispered throatily, “I’d like that, sunshine. I’d really like that.”
We lay quietly for a w
hile as I rubbed patterns back and forth over the back of his hand.
“Em, it’s Mac’s birthday this week, and he wants to go to a club Friday night. Will you come after work?”
I hated clubs of any sort. In our own little bubble, I could pretend the outside world didn’t exist. But being in a club surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous girls who all wanted O’Connell and who would be staring, like he was crazy for dropping his standards so low, seemed like my idea of hell. To me, it would be like standing a daisy in a bouquet of beautiful roses. Who in their right mind would ever pick a daisy over a rose?
“I thought Danny banned all that.”
“I’m not drinking, and I’ll only stay for a couple of hours, but Mac’s my friend so I’ll have to show my face. Honestly, though, I don’t get to spend much time with you, and I’d really like for you to be there.”
How could I say no to that? He absolutely killed me.
“Okay, O’Connell, but when I’ve had enough I’m leaving,” I replied, warily.
“Fair enough, baby.”
He was so tired that I could sense him falling asleep as he mumbled his answer.
“Sleep now,” I whispered, squeezing his bicep. He kissed the back of my head, and all too soon, the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the wonderful warmth of his body next to mine lulled me back into a deep and dreamless sleep. When I woke in the morning, the bed was cold, and O’Connell was gone. A wave of depression washed over me as I realised I was alone. Turning to the clock, I could see that it was barely 7am. But stood next to it was another note.
Ten seconds ago, I was depressed, and now I was on top of the world. I wondered why I ever bothered telling O’Connell that I only wanted to be friends, when every day it seemed to be me who wanted more. I rolled over to look at the ceiling, knowing that I was starting to forget all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.
O’CONNELL HAD ABSOLUTELY no intention of letting me dictate the pace of our relationship. Every night that I wasn’t at the gym, he’d stop by my apartment after training to say goodnight. The training schedule that Danny had him on was brutal, and by the time he reached my door, he was dead on his feet. He didn’t stay long before he ambled back to Kieran’s to stockpile the calories and squeeze in as much sleep as he could, but those twenty minutes were the best part of my day. He didn’t kiss me again, but every time he touched me or looked at me, it was like he was savouring the moment to remember it later. Although he only grunted when I asked him how training was going, he devoured details about my day as though he’d missed me for every minute of it. With O’Connell training so much, I still had time to work and study and the joy of finding his notes in random textbooks was priceless. How he slipped them in without me noticing was a mystery, but I saved each and every one. His strategy was foolproof when I thought about it. Left to my own devices this week, I would have been filled by now with self-doubt and would have undeniably convinced myself that any attempt at a relationship with him was a car crash waiting to happen. Instead, he’d sown the seed of hope between us and had spent every day since watering and nourishing it, so by the time Friday rolled around, I was beginning to think we might have a chance.
I opened the door to a freshly shaved O’Connell, who smelt so incredible that it took all of my willpower not to stand there slack jawed and gawking. His black shirt moulded perfectly to his sculpted torso and with his sleeves rolled back, even his forearms looked sexy.
“Wow, Em, you look beautiful.”
Seeing him look so fine immediately made me question my own appearance, but the look of hunger on his face restored my confidence. Once again, Nikki had come to my aid with another outfit. Although I felt slightly shamed to be scrounging from her, she really didn’t seem to mind. If anything, she treated me like her dress-up doll. Although I often balked at some of her outfit choices, in truth I bathed in the affection that I imagined sisters might share. It was an affection that my own mother had denied me, and Nikki was unknowingly filling that void. For all intents and purposes, I was like an awkward gangly teenager, struggling through the quagmire of adolescence. Most fifteen-year-olds had more figured out about themselves than I did at twenty. Looking at O’Connell’s face, I said a silent prayer of thanks for Nikki’s help. My buttery soft skirt ended above my knee but was still a respectable length, but the knee-high boots she’d loaned me made my legs feel ridiculously long. Teamed with a fitted black top, my favourite long, silver heart locket, and understated earrings, I was out of my comfort zone, but a lot more at ease than I would have been in my own clothes.
“Shit, Em, those legs go for miles. I’m gonna be cracking heads left, right, and centre tonight.”
I smiled at the implication, but I seriously doubted that he had anything to worry about. I still thought that he was disillusioned for feeling as he did about me, and I worried for the day he would find enlightenment. He held my jacket out to me like a true gentleman, and like that gentleman, he didn’t comment on the fact that the jacket clearly belonged to Nikki. Once I locked the door, I tucked the keys into my pocket.
“Aren’t you taking a bag?” he asked.
“No. I’d only end up leaving it somewhere. My money is in a hidden pocket in my skirt, and I’ll just keep my keys in my jacket.”
“Do you want me to carry them?”
“Thanks,” I replied. Handing them over, I was bemused that it seemed like such a couple thing to do. He slipped his huge fingers between mine and squeezed gently as we walked down together. His black Ford Mustang sat gleaming outside my apartment building, and he grinned as he rushed round to open my door.
“O’Connell, this is your car? It’s gorgeous.”
“Thanks. I figure it’s mine for another month before I have to sell it, so tonight, make the most of having your very own chauffer.”
“You’re not drinking then?” I asked, figuring that he’d want at least a couple of beers tonight.
“Nope. I promised Danny I wouldn’t. Until I get a few decent wins under my belt, this amusement park is now a temple.” He tapped his stomach as he said it, like there was a pinch of anything other than skin on his perfect body.
“Do you have to train in the morning?” I asked, hoping that he’d stay over, knowing how wrong it was for me to lead him on.
“Half day tomorrow. Danny told me to give myself a break and come in at eleven, so we get a lay in together.”
I didn’t say anything as I pondered how to deny him what we both so obviously wanted, but even if he had been my boyfriend, in my heart I knew that I wasn’t ready for sex. Letting him sleep over was unfair when I knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere.
“Hey.” He tilted my chin up, getting inside my head again. “Just friends, right.”
“We’re blurring the lines, O’Connell. We’re not together, but I feel like this weird idea of friendship between us has me reaping all of the benefits and you none of the rewards.”
“Why don’t you let me worry about that, Em.” I looked down at my hands, and I couldn’t help but feel concerned.
“You stress about this shit far too much, okay? Who’s to tell us what friends should or shouldn’t do? If someone tells me that holding your hand, or being close to you when you sleep at night, is wrong because we’re just friends then they can go and fuck themselves. I do it because it makes me feel good, and if you enjoy it, too, then why’s it wrong?”
When he put it like that, I couldn’t see why the thought had me so worked up. I wanted so very badly to throw my lot in with him and tie my life to his as tightly as I could, but Frank had done his work well. The death and destruction of a child’s spirit was not the work of a moment, but a campaign of dedication to that cause. Whether I liked it or not, a few weeks with O’Connell couldn’t repair the kind of damage that Frank had inflicted. I still wasn’t sure that what he had broken inside could ever be fixed, but I did know that when I was with O’Connell, every good, clean part left in me felt alive. As long as he treated that as the gif
t that it was, I didn’t see any reason to give up on that feeling.
“Listen. Just because I’m staying over, doesn’t mean that things are gonna go any further between us. I need to know that you respect me, and that I’m not just a piece of meat to you before we go all the way.” He was so sincere and sombre faced that I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
“You’re making fun of me.” I said, not in the least bit offended.
“No, sunshine, just lightening the mood. I told you that we’re gonna take this slow, and I meant it. Now, tonight I want you to cut loose and have fun, not borrow worry about what other people think. When things go further between us, there won’t be any hesitation because you’ll know you’re ready. So, until then, fuck everyone else.” He grinned.
I smiled back at him, just a little bit more smitten than I was before. After a time, I started tapping my knee up and down, thinking about who would be there tonight and all of the conversation that I’d have to make.
“You okay?” O’Connell asked.
“Sure,” I lied.
We parked up and walked to the club, my hand clasped firmly in O’Connell’s. It was absolutely freezing outside, but my shivering was attributable to more than just the temperature. My stomach clenched at the thought of going into the club. The last few weeks I’d become quietly confident, and my individual contact with each of the fighters had strangely made the gym a safe place for me. It was rare that I spoke to all of the guys as a large group, and now that I’d met everyone, it wasn’t often that I saw any new faces around the place. I was never great with crowds and the last party that I’d been to hadn’t been the best experience. O’Connell was right, though. Tonight was about having fun and celebrating with Mac, and if I could stay out of my own head long enough, it would be a great night.
The bouncers at the door smiled and did the one-handed backslap shoulder bump with O’Connell that told me he knew them well. They shot the breeze while I stood by silently, contemplating how long it would take hypothermia to set in. After a few minutes, we bypassed the large queue and entered the club. The noise inside was deafening. O’Connell turned to speak to me, but it was pretty clear that I couldn’t hear him this close to the speakers, so he led me toward the back of the club. I felt a small amount of relief when I spotted our guys already seated there.
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