A Sky Full of Secrets

by Briana Pacheco

  “Don’t. I should have said something. I–Bye.”

  I walk out of his room, heading into the bathroom, and I start the shower. Stepping under the hot water, I try to wash away all my insecurities and fears. Having a lisp wasn’t the end of the world for me, but just when I was starting to get it under control, I got sick, and that’s when it got harder. I’d stand in front of the mirror and watch my lips move because I didn’t want to forget how to speak normally, but I couldn’t hear any sounds. I felt like all the progress I made was for nothing.

  Phoenix didn’t mean to make me feel this way. He didn’t know. But it would have helped if he asked first.

  And it’ll be even better if I can stop overthinking.

  ***

  It’s my birthday but I thought giving the guys a gift seemed more appealing after I took my shower and thought things through. Birthdays were always something I wanted to avoid because my family didn’t have the money to have a party so this time of year was a bit depressing. A ‘happy birthday’ will do and I’m set. My day will continue regardless.

  I walk up from the basement with two mugs in my hands; one for Mac and one for Phoenix. I finished them yesterday and left them down here so they wouldn’t touch them. Mac’s is the same one he has had for years. It’s a blue mug with the words ‘World’s Biggest Dick’ scrawled on one side. The added bonus is when he’s finishing the last sip and tips the cup back, ‘head’ appears on the bottom so Mac is the World’s Biggest Dickhead. He loves it. It’s made a few girls giggle over the years, so I’m told.

  Phoenix’s mug, which I took extra time with is a sky full of stars. I’m pretty sure anyone who looks at this mug will see a mug and go on with their lives. Well, if the dude who gets a hard-on from stars sees what constellation I made sure I got right, he’ll probably cum in his pants when he connects the dots. Literally. The Phoenix constellation is a minor one that probably doesn’t get recognized as much as all the other ones because you can’t really see it if you live north of the equator. The Australians, New Zealanders, and South Africans are the lucky ones. I added ‘Love the stars; tell them your secrets’ on the very bottom of the mug because he is obsessed with them.

  Phoenix must still be upstairs so I set his mug down on the kitchen counter and then head toward Mac. He’s in the living room, sprawled out on the couch like he’s about to have the time of his life from the air he’s breathing. He’s staring at the TV, biting his lip, and he has a creepy Cheshire cat smile going on.

  “Hey, I have something for you.” I kick his foot off the couch then sit beside him, handing him his mug.

  “Rude. I’m about to see some titties.” And sure enough, the white-haired female in the show he’s watching drops her clothes.

  “Game of Thrones marathon again?” I question. Every time a new season is about to start, he starts from the beginning. I like the show but Mac is obsessed. He’ll remind me of all the major moments that occur. His obsession is mostly with Emilia Clarke. Hence, the titty scene.

  “New season starts this month. I need some refreshing.” I’m sure he does. Once the boobs are off the screen, he turns my way then takes his new mug. “You know how much I love this fucking mug, right?” He runs his fingers over the glossed mug and an even toothier grin breaks out onto his face. “You need to sell these, Lulu. I’m serious. You’d make bank.” He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and gives me a pointed look. “I looked into opening an Etsy shop. You can start out small. I’ll help with whatever you need. You know I will.”

  I know. We’ve talked about this ever since he found out I love pottery. I did look into Etsy but then I was in college, and I didn’t have any money to keep that passion going. I worked to make money so when school was over, I could pursue it again. I’m freaking studying business so I can have my own little shop one day and try to manage my parents’ finances.

  The day I got kicked out of school was the day I was smacked in the face with reality. My shop, my passion will have to wait. I need to save so much more now. I have no scholarships, and I refuse to get student loans because that shit stays with you for a really long time. I don’t want to die in debt. I don’t want to end up like my parents.

  “Oh, and what a shitty best friend I am. Happy birthday!” Mac puts his mug down on the coffee table then pulls me onto his lap where he tickles me until I’m gasping for air and calling for help.

  He finally stops when I’m breathing hard into his neck, on the verge of crying.

  His arms are around me, and breathing in his scent, feeling his heart beating against my chest brings back unwanted memories. Memories of him holding me in that clinic where I destroyed us for good. He said he would never judge me. I did what had to be done. But I knew that he knew. The baby was his. We never said it out loud. Mac is the only person I had unprotected sex with that one time. It was before he left for school. It was the end of us.

  Wren thought it was his because the condom broke twice when we were together. I thought it was, too until the doctor told me how far along I was. For two months I showed no symptoms; I had my period and I was never nauseous. I never missed a day of my birth control. Ever. I was just the .1% that the pill couldn’t protect. I had a doctor’s appointment and that’s how I found out, and it sure as hell shocked me to my core.

  Wren was the person who I thought would be there for me because he seemed like he cared for the month and a half we were together. I was naïve and clueless. He was only there to insult me and make me never want to be someone’s mother.

  Tears pool in my eyes thinking of how sad Mac’s eyes were when we left that clinic together. He was sad and I was numb. He held me up and tried to make me feel better. It’s what he has always done for me. He never stops.

  “Lu.” Mac tilts his head down so we’re looking at one another.

  He’s always trying to keep my head above water when I feel like I’m sinking.

  “I love you,” I whisper. I never said it to him before. Not when he told me he was feeling more for me before he left for college, not when I broke his heart and said we couldn’t do this because we’ll be so far away. I never said it, not even when he says it to tease me now just because. Those three words are not in my dictionary. At least they weren’t until now. Mac is someone important to me, and it’s time I finally let myself say it out loud.

  Mac stares into my wet eyes, and wipes away the tears running down my cheeks. “I love you more.”

  He presses his lips against my cheek and holds my head against his neck. He knows me. He knows that that I love you is all I can give him. It’s all that I have in me. It’s not a we’re-meant-to-be I love you. It’s a you-mean-the-world-to-me-so-please-don’t-leave I love you. And the fact that he understands makes me want to cry happy tears for days.

  The doorbell rings a few seconds later, making me sit up and wipe my face. Mac tries to help but he only manages in bumping his head against mine.

  Phoenix appears at the bottom of the stairs. Before he reaches the door, he stops walking and looks over at us, his eyes glued on me. We haven’t talked since after this morning. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. It’s done. I came. I told him not to be sorry but I think he still needs to be reassured that I’m not traumatized or something.

  I’m about to say the usual ‘I’m fine’ but change course and go with, “I was sad and now I’m not.” It’s the truth. I’m tired of hiding behind lies. I’m tired of keeping everything to myself.

  These two men try and make me feel as comfortable as possible. I’m the one keeping the wall up. It’s time to chip away at it and be more open.

  Today I’m going to talk to the stars. I hope the universe is prepared to handle a sky full of secrets. Between Phoenix and me, I think we can create one.

  Phoenix nods then continues toward the door. Before I can hop off Mac’s lap, my eyes drop to a puppy running into the house, stopping at the stairs to sniff around. It has a red bow.

  And it is not Mystique.


  “What the fuck?” I stand and walk over to Phoenix who is talking to someone.

  Phoenix looks over his shoulder at me then moves so I can see the person on the other side.

  My father stands there with a birthday bag bursting with purple tissue paper in one hand. He’s dressed in a black shirt and jeans, looking ten years younger than fifty-two. Still intimating with his broad shoulders and square jaw though. His light brown eyes connect with mine and he exhales deeply. Then his free hand hovers over his chest, and he brushes up twice. At first I think he’s brushing off lint or something but he’s doing it the wrong way, and he doesn’t stop there. I watch him, completely stunned, as he moves his open hand up, and presses his middle finger to his chin then his chest. “Buon compleanno,” he says in a deep Italian accent that Mom helped him achieve over the years.

  My father, the man who said learning ASL was pointless because I can hear, just signed ‘happy birthday’ to me and said it in Italian. I should tell him that Italian sign language is different from ASL but I’m still floored by the gesture. He’s been teaching me Italian and some Spanish since the day I could talk. He thought it’d help with my lisp. It sort of did. I’ve never stopped learning because how badass would I be if I had to translate for someone some day. A deaf American girl speaking Italian, Spanish, and some Portuguese, yeah, it’s badass.

  “Can I come in?” My father asks when it’s clear that my feet can’t seem to move.

  I nod like a bobble head as I stumble back into a hard chest. Phoenix grabs my arms as he moves over, and my father walks in, setting the bag down then calls for the puppy. He literally says, “Puppy, come.”

  Puppy yaps and runs over to my father. He swoops him up and turns the dog to me. I get lost in dark puppy eyes. Oh. My. Shit. He is fucking gorgeous. And so damn tiny!

  “Luna, this is Puppy until you give him a real name. I’ve tried to house train him but he’s still not good at listening to me.”

  “He’s mine?” My eyes widen as they take in the puppy. The puppy that will need to be trained and fed and loved. The puppy that I certainly cannot afford. “Dad, I can’t…” Puppy jerks around in my dad’s arms until his fur is sticking up in every way. “I can’t afford this dog.”

  “Sure we can,” Mac interrupts. “Mr. Chance, welcome.” They share an awkward one-arm hug and then Puppy is being forced into my arms. This white all over puppy with gray and brown spots tries to right himself in my arms. His wet black nose bumps against my chest as his front paws try to find a place to keep him up. My boobs seem to be his first pick. “Luna, you will take this dog. How can you reject this face?”

  He is a traitor! What is with him and cute little dogs?!

  I look down. Puppy looks up. Gah! Not the puppy-dog eyes!

  “He’s a Maltese-Shih-Tzu mix. Two months old. He won’t grow that much.” Dad lifts the bag from the floor. “Everything he needs is in here. And his food is in the car.” I want to say more but Dad continues with, “It’ll make me sleep better at night knowing that you’re not alone when you’re alone.” His eyes ping-pong between Mac and Phoenix.

  Ohmygod Phoenix! The clean freak!

  He must somehow know what I’m going to bring up because he chuckles and reaches past me to scratch Puppy’s ears. “Looks like Mystique will now have a friend.” Phoenix gives me a look that says, ‘it’s fine, really’ but all I picture is Puppy peeing on the floor, and Phoenix getting annoyed really, really soon. “Anyways, I’d like to introduce myself, Mr. Chance, since your daughter is living with me and all. My name’s Phoenix, Mackenzie’s friend from college.”

  “Yes, I’d like to discuss that if you don’t mind. I thought it was just Mackenzie living here.” Dad’s eyes narrow at me. ME! Like it’s my fault. He’s the one who didn’t ask any questions. Mom and Dad let me leave their house when I said I found a place to live. They were both out in the backyard, Dad throwing a ball to Wrigley, and Mom sipping a glass of wine. They could have stopped and demanded answers from me.

  “Is your wife joining us?” Phoenix asks, curiously, eyes on the door like she’s going to appear. It’s funny how I didn’t even ask that first. And she’s my mother. But our family knows Mom doesn’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work or be with Sadie.

  Mac’s eyes dart to me and then he tries to use the puppy to distract me. It doesn’t work.

  Judging by the look on Dad’s face, I should have known the sign language and the dog was to throw me off. Well, it worked. Shame on me.

  “Isabella isn’t feeling well at the moment.” Dad’s eyes soften when he steps closer and rubs my shoulder. “She said she’d call later. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

  “Just remind her to do it before ten or I won’t hear a thing,” I say. Because at ten o’clock tonight I’m taking my ears off and going up onto the roof.

  I hug Puppy close to my chest and think of a name to call him. Out of everything my brain processes, Loki stands out. I hold the puppy away from my body and stare into his doll-like eyes. “Loki. Do you like that name? Loki?” I test it out a few more times. He barks and seems to nod so it’s done. “Loki. I love it! Thank you, Dad!”

  I don’t know what has gotten into him but I’m glad something finally has because I missed my father. He’s always sad when I see him, and I don’t know what to do to make him feel better because most of the time I feel like I’m the cause of it.

  I hug him and then walk into the kitchen, watching Phoenix, Mac, and my father talk about our living situation until I grow bored and want to show off my new puppy.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Phoenix

  Luna’s father stands in the entryway of the living room, watching his daughter Skype Mackenzie’s parents to show off Loki. Loki. I chuckle to myself because that girl’s obsession with Marvel is real. I swear she has comic books hiding in her closet. I haven’t been in there long enough to know if I’m right or not.

  “Rory, another beer?” MacKay asks, tipping a bottle at him. He shakes his head no, waving his hand for double emphasis. Mackenzie is on a first name basis with the guy, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say kind of standoffish with him too. I don’t know Luna’s family’s stories but I do understand that none of them bothered learning ASL when she was younger. Seeing her father sign today through her off.

  MacKay tries to distract Luna with Loki, and it works this time. He has full rein to question her father, a broad shouldered man who looks like he can easily snap MacKay in half. Me, not so much. “How was that couples vacation in Italy?”

  Luna’s dad turns around and walks to the barstools, taking the one beside me. “I met another woman. It’s nothing serious. We just talk. She calms me.”

  Mackenzie chokes on his beer, eyes darting to Luna over in the living room then back to her father.

  “Isabella doesn’t talk to me most days, she wishes she was twenty again, and she wants to put Wrigley down. His age is starting to take a toll on him. Bella’s depression is getting worse and she’s trying all sorts of medication lately. Nothing seems to be working. She has no will to leave bed most days but she has to for work.”

  Um, okay. I feel like I’m imposing on this conversation so I finish my beer and stand.

  “Luna doesn’t know this but we got Wrigley for her.” Rory eyes me as I throw my bottle away and grab a napkin to wipe down the counter in case I spilled anything. “Do you have sisters, Phoenix?”

  “Yes, sir. Four of them.”

  “Would you ever hurt them?” I stop wiping the counter and look up. I shake my head then glance at Mackenzie quickly. Rory shakes his head and wipes a hand over his clean-shaven jaw. “My oldest son tormented Luna after her surgery. I don’t understand why he was so cruel. He shut her out of everything and blamed her for not having new games that his friends had, or new clothes, or new anything. He loved that girl when she was a baby. Adored her.” His eyes hold mine and damn if I don’t shrink back a bit because of the dark look in them. “Ian promised h
e would never hurt her when he first held her. Then one Saturday, a year after her surgery, she was…seven, he took her sound processors while she was sleeping and locked her in her room all day. Her mom and I worked whenever we could after…” he shifts in his seat, “Luna lost her hearing. Tanner, my second oldest, who didn’t know what his brother did, tagged along with Ian’s friends that day and when we got home hours later, the house was in complete silence, and Luna was still locked in that room. She had no idea that she was alone. She thought her brothers were just playing a game. It broke my heart when she realized it wasn’t. That day, I adopted Wrigley so she would never be alone again.”

  “And your son, did you get him checked out?” I realize those words left my mouth and I step back, shocked. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…that was rude of me.”

  “No, no. It’s fine.” Rory looks over at Mackenzie before speaking. “We didn’t have the money to send him to someone. Wrigley wasn’t the best financial decision for our family at that time but I’d do it again. Wrigley kept Luna safe and happy when we couldn’t be there. Then Mackenzie did that for us.”

  “And I’d do it again,” he acknowledges. “She’s worth it.”

  She sure is.

  Rory nods then stands. “Thank you for teaching me how to sign happy birthday. I know I’m a stubborn old man that doesn’t want to learn new things.”

  “No problem. If you need more lessons, I’m just a Skype call away. I highly suggest you use it. The results are amazing.” Mackenzie points into the living room where Luna is currently squealing, yes squealing, because Loki is doing something. “All she wants is for her family to learn some ASL. Show her that you care. Show her that she’s accepted not a burden.” Rory nods, and it’s like the roles of parent and child are reversed.

  “All right. Thank you. For everything. It was nice meeting you, Phoenix. Just remember, you touch my daughter, she’ll break your face. How do you think she got kicked out of college?” I actually have no idea how she got kicked out. I’d love to know now. Rory chuckles and holds out his hand to shake mine. After clapping MacKay on the back, he walks over to Luna. She ends the Skype call and hugs her father before he leaves. At the door, he signs, Goodbye, I love you.