He always went back, planning the trips months in advance so he knew when not to make plans with other people, never wanting to miss seeing Luna. I thought it was strange how obsessed he was with her. Now I get it. It wasn’t an obsession. He just wanted to spend any time he could with her, making her smile. “I mean, the guy didn’t even get laid after all those flights, right? That was rude on your part,” I tease.
She whips around with a playful smirk on her kissable lips and smacks me on the stomach. “I’ll show you rude!”
She throws her hands up like she’s going to start throwing punches so I grab them and ask, “Do you want to go out sometime?” It’s just like ripping off the bandage. That was easier than I thought. I still feel like it’s hot as balls down here.
“Huh?”
“On a date?”
“What?”
“You can pick the place, if you want?”
“Is this a joke?”
Her hands slip from my grasp, and I scratch the back of my head, not sure if I should just say yes and pretend it didn’t even happen. “No.”
The next thing I know, I’m doubled over in pain because Luna has in fact, punched me in the junk. I watch her little ass disappear up the stairs through blurry eyes. And then I see it, the moment before the explosion. Everything about her is wound tight, her fists are clenched, she’s muttering things I can’t hear, and she’s stomping as hard as she can up the stairs.
Oh, fuck, what have I done? I should have said that I was joking. I shouldn’t have even asked.
You did the right thing, I tell myself.
Relationships. Sometimes they start off a little rocky. I can keep trying, right? She just needs some time.
Please God, I need an answer. Am I a dead man?
Luna slams the basement door closed after saying, “I’m going to kill him!”
Chapter Twenty-One
Luna
“What the fuck!” I stomp around my room then throw myself on my bed. Mac is sitting up on the other side after I dragged him in here when I got upstairs. We’re both wearing a green facial mask that seems to help make people relax, but clearly it’s not doing shit. “He asked me out. Who even does that?”
“Everyone,” Mac deadpans, adjusting his glasses so he doesn’t get the facial on it.
I give him a death glare. “Do you want me to punch you in the dick?” He winces just thinking of it. “We had a deal. Just sex. And he comes out of nowhere asking me out. Not even a friend date, a date date.” I throw my hands up. “Is he fucking deaf? Did he not hear my terms? I can’t believe this is fucking happening. Who does he think he is? Who in their right mind would want to go on a date with me? I’m awful.”
Mac’s face turns serious. “Lu, stop talking before you really piss me off with everything you are saying about yourself.”
I want to shout a big ole ‘FUCK YOU!’ but I refrain from it because I know he means well.
I know I’m hard on myself. It’s what I do because it’s how I feel. I know I should be picking myself up, saying that I’m fucking awesome and people should feel honored to be my friend, but I can’t. There’s something broken inside of me that I can’t seem to move past. Fixing it has been extremely hard. I refuse help and I know that I should accept it.
“Do you enjoy his company?”
The question is so out of character, I have a hard time hearing what he says. “What?”
“Do you enjoy his company?”
“I–uh, yes, I guess.”
“You love food, don’t you? I don’t see the problem in going. It’s just a date. It wasn’t a proposal.” Mac raises an eyebrow at me, and I use all my self-control not to smack that look off his face because he’s not taking my side. I don’t see him for a few days and now he’s not taking my side.
What.
The.
Fuck.
“Didn’t you two go out this morning? Alone. And do the exact thing you do on a date.”
My mouth drops open. “Who are you? Where is my best friend?”
Mac smiles and it looks so freaking creepy because of the green mask on his face. “You’re already sleeping with the guy. What harm could going out to eat do?”
“Everything! It ruins everything. He’ll either want to go on another date or he’ll never want to see me again. We live together! That would be a fucking disaster and so incredibly awkward. And don’t even get me started on the sex. I like the sex, Mac! I don’t want it to end yet.” I am whining over cock and I don’t care. This started as just sex and now Phoenix, who was told to end things if he started having feelings, wants to go out on a date. That seems like having some fucking kind of feeling. You only go out on a date with someone you think is worth seeing if something is there. You can’t not have feelings if you want to go on a date with someone. Unless you are a sociopath that doesn’t feel anything.
“My point exactly. You’re sleeping together.”
“It’s different. It’s just sex.” I know I sound like a broken record but for the love of god, why can’t he understand my point? I know how to keep feelings out of it. I’m used to being around assholes so I don’t give people enough credit. They’re not worth my emotions. I keep them bottled up.
I let people hurt me. I know that, too. I just never had many people stand up for me. Mac was my biggest cheerleader, and having your best friend across the country for so long makes a person feel really alone. Skype wasn’t enough when all I wanted was to hug him and feel his heart beating underneath my hand.
Mac grabs my hand and gives me a pleading look. “Lu, you punched him in the dick. He at least deserves dinner now.”
“AHHHH!” What is happening? When did everything turn upside down? Was it going to the bakery today? Did that one moment change everything? Did I give off some friendly vibe that made Phoenix think I was interested in more?
I want to rip my hair out. I want to punch holes in the walls. I want to shoot someone. With paintballs… I’m not crazy…
I want to eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and ugly cry because I don’t do relationships. I always mess them up. I don’t want to force someone to learn ASL so they can talk to me when I can’t hear a sound. I don’t want to be a secret. I don’t want someone to be embarrassed to be with me.
I don’t want to be someone else’s burden.
But…hearing these reasons float through my head, I realize that they don’t apply to Phoenix. He’s learning ASL because he wants to. He doesn’t make me feel like a secret. He made it clear this morning that he’s not embarrassed to be seen with me.
The doubt still speaks louder to me. What if this date doesn’t work and it ends everything we’re doing? I can’t handle that pressure. I can’t handle being the one that fucks everything up.
“Lu, you’re going to give that pretty face wrinkles with all that stress you’re worrying about.” He rubs his thumb over my knuckles. “Stop thinking. Go find Phoenix and tell him you’re sorry then give him a real yes or no answer on that date. Do not punch him.”
I roll my eyes. “This is messed up.”
“Being an adult is messed up.” He picks Loki up from his spread out position and pets his. “Not all of us are as lucky as this little guy. He just looks at you and he gets what he wants.”
“Pretty people always have it easy. Works for dogs too.”
“Huh, that saying is shit because you make everything difficult.”
“I’m not pretty.” See, I can’t say that I am. I feel conceited if I even think it. Something is definitely fucked up in my head.
“Oh, cut the shit. You know you’re pretty.”
“I’m pretty when you close your eyes.” That way a person can picture anything about me and I won’t disappoint them when they open their eyes. They won’t see my sad eyes or my sound processors. They won’t see the way I hide within myself and cringe whenever a stranger comes up to me. I’m always expecting the worst.
Mac stops petting Loki, and fixes me wit
h such a heartbreaking look. “Hearing you say that breaks my heart.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. I don’t like hurting people with words. I especially don’t like hurting Mac with the truth.
I pet Loki before I slide off my bed. I take a big breath then head out into the hall, looking into Phoenix’s room to apologize. He’s on the computer, and when he turns the chair around to see me, I spot the frozen bag of peas on his crotch. “I’m really sorry about punching you. You caught me off guard. I don’t date.”
“You need to work on your anger problems,” he says, nonchalantly.
“I know.” I hook my fingers together and hang my head in shame. I told him that no one sees the real me. I let her out and look what happened. “Did I do something that made you feel like…um…we should go out on a date?”
There’s silence on his end so I look up. “I just want to spend some time with you, Luna. One date. There will be food. And possibly sex.” He winks on the last part.
Fuck me.
Now the words are stuck in my throat. Let them out, Luna. Fucking let them out and then it’s over. It’s really simple. Don’t overthink it.
“I feel like I should make it up to you. For punching you and all.”
“Are you asking me out?”
“No! I mean–” Someone help me. “It’s just food.”
He doesn’t speak until I start to walk away. “The walls are thin, Luna. I hear everything when the doors are open.” I turn to the side, watching him. “We said ‘just sex’ but we’re friends. So what if a date doesn’t work out. I’ll still be your friend.”
He has no idea how relieved that makes me. “Fine.”
“Fine, what?”
“Fine, I’ll…” I look at everything but him, “go on a date with you.”
Phoenix stands up and struts over to me with the peas still on his crotch. “Just like that. That easy?” I narrow my eyes at him. His eyes widen a fraction. “Okay, okay.” I watch his lips kick up into a smile. “I’m going to make this the best date you’ve ever been on.”
“Hey, now,” Mac interrupts, pointing a finger at Phoenix, rushing down the hall. “Don’t even try to top our first date. I refuse to have that night dropped down to second best.”
Phoenix rolls his eyes but keeps the smile going because he’s being scolded by Mac in a green facial mask. The sight before us is hilarious. “You can go fuck yourself. I won’t be thinking of you two together when I plan this date, got it? And you look good by the way. Green is definitely your color.”
“Whatever. When Luna wants something, you give it to her.” Mac winks at me and I smack my forehead. He’s using my words for pretty people.
I feel the strange texture on my face and my mouth drops in horror.
Oh shit.
I’m in a green facial mask! I walked into this room and basically planned a date looking like this. “Ohmygod, I need to wash this off!”
“You look cute. Like an adorable girl version of Hulk.”
“Fuck you, Phoenix!” I shout, kinda pissed and kinda amused.
“Fuck you, too, Moon. Later!” I hear the sarcasm in his voice.
Damn him for making me want to mount him this very second. “Ugh!” I head into the bathroom and wash my face. When I pat it dry with a hand towel, Phoenix is standing behind me, watching me from the reflection of the mirror. “What?”
“You were right when you said you’re pretty when I close my eyes.” He steps into me so his front presses against my back. His hands hold my hips and we stand here, looking at each other through the mirror. “You’re even prettier when I open them. Like a sky full of stars; you envision them when your eyes are closed, and when you open them, there are no words to describe the beauty of it all.”
He lets my hips go, and before he turns to go, he says, “I have one request. From this day forward, I want you to tell yourself that you’re a motherfucking queen. Because you are. And you deserve to be treated like one.” He kisses my cheek softly then leaves me with a bewitching smile.
My eyes fall to the floor, finding Loki staring up at me. “I know, right? What the hell just happened?” He barks and follows me out of the bathroom.
Mac pops out of my room, the mask still on. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“I’m going to have anxiety every night until this date happens. Thank you for that.”
He hums and crosses his arms. “I didn’t tell you to say yes. You did that on your own.” What an asshole!
“Okay, can you wash that off so we can start Netflix? It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.” I also have a dog to walk, and a shower to take.
Adult life. Too many responsibilities. Sigh.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Luna
I’m a motherfucking queen.
I’m a motherfucking queen.
I’m a motherfu–no. I feel like a fucking scared mouse instead.
I’ve never in my life felt so anxious like I do right now. My heart pounds against my rib cage, my breaths come out hard and fast, and my knees shake like they’re going to give out any second as Phoenix guides me somewhere, blindfolded and completely deaf.
He tried easing me into our date by hanging out with me for more than an hour while I worked on dog bowls in the basement for the last two weeks. He talked about everything; his day at work, his friend Trevor wanting to grab some beers, how his mom is making him a marriage board on Pinterest that she hopes he’ll add pins to in the near future, and how he can’t wait to go to grad school. He talked about his sister’s wedding happening at the end of the month, and it wasn’t lost on me how he left the invitation open for me to go with him. Mac is going because the reception is going to be small, just close friends and family. I’m told Mrs. Sloan already reserved a spot for me if I want to go. I haven’t decided. You know how I feel about weddings.
To try and open up, I told Phoenix about visiting my mother last week for Mother’s Day. She was up in her room, and it looked like she hadn’t showered in days. She’s been dealing with depression for over fifteen years so we’ve heard and seen it all. Dad said her moods have been off for the last few weeks but that this was the worst. I tried staying with her and telling her about what’s been going on with me. I even mentioned Phoenix wanting to go on a date with me because we’ve never had the mother/daughter talks. She smiled for only a second then it faded and her eyes grew sad. I knew that whatever she was going to say next would break me. “I’m so sorry for the life you were given, Luna. I never thought you’d become deaf. I should have taken you to the hospital sooner. I should have done more. I failed. I failed at being a mother and I’m sorry,” she said into her pillow. “These things eat away at me, day and night. I’m not happy and I don’t think I’ll ever be.” I wanted to tell her that she could be but then she said, “I’ll never be out of debt. And knowing that serves as a daily reminder of much I failed.” It was the look in her eyes that made me want to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself inside it. I put my family in debt and she’s tired of it. She’s been tired of it for years.
I told Phoenix how I took a few bills from the bill pile and used any money I had saved up already to try and help my family. After I paid them, I checked my parents’ bank account to see why so many bills were past due, and I saw how much my mom was spending on things for toddlers. Toys for Sadie. A child whose parents can buy her whatever she wants.
She adds to her debt and makes me feel horrible over it. Why does she do that? I forced myself not to feel bad anymore, but it only lasted for a few minutes because then it hit me; I have no more money.
I told Phoenix that finishing college was never going to happen. He said he could help me but I shot that down.
I got kicked out.
I fucked up my chances of living my dream.
It’s like every time I try to take a step forward into something positive, I take twenty steps back into a world I’m tired of living in. I just want my family to be happy. I want my
mom to be my mom again.
I wish I was granted three wishes so I could change a few negative things.
I wish I didn’t believe in magic because knowing that I’ll never get my wishes, crushes me. This is the life I’m living, the one I was handed. I need to learn how to live with it.
Phoenix must have taken pity on me. He finally planned our date for today. He gave me the option of leaving my sound processors home. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to sign to me so I took them with me. He then blindfolded me when I entered the car and told me to take my ears off and leave them in the car when we get to our destination.
He said to trust him.
This is me trusting him; neither hearing nor seeing where he’s taking me.
Finally, we stop moving, and Phoenix removes the blindfold. I blink a few times, adjusting to the light, and then all I see are trees. Everywhere.
I know where we are before I even see the sign on the footbridge of one of my favorite places. It’s the first time I’ve been here without my ears on. I can’t hear the birds chirping, branching creaking with the wind, or the flies buzzing around, but I know that’s what Phoenix can hear. We’re both smelling the same dirt, and seeing the same things around us. Nothing is different between us. We appear normal.
I feel normal.
Growing up in Rhode Island wasn’t ideal for me, but I did get to visit some places around here before I moved to California for four years. Lincoln Woods was one of my favorite getaways. I always walked the loop around Olney Pond when I came here, it’s peaceful. Mac and his family would come here during the spring and summer, and of course, they made me tag along when we lived in the same state. This place has just about everything you need to escape; a beach, walking/biking trails, kayaking, rock climbing, and more. You don’t even need to be one with nature to enjoy coming here. Once you see your surroundings, you’ll never want to leave.
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