A Sky Full of Secrets

by Briana Pacheco

I want things that I never thought I would want.

  I want so many more nights of watching the stars with Phoenix.

  I want to tell him everything there is about me.

  I want to be able to let him in completely because he’s made it known that that’s what he wants too.

  I’ve never been a good girlfriend but he makes me want to try even if we end before we truly start.

  I don’t want to ruin whatever moment we are having so I don’t say a word either. I shut my eyes and rest my head on his chest, breathing in his clean scent. He rests his chin on my head, and I think, we fit together like puzzle pieces.

  I breakaway after a minute of having my arms wrapped around him, a warm feeling buzzing throughout my body.

  When I crack my eyes open and tilt my head back, Phoenix brings his hand up and cups my neck, his thumb running over my bottom lip once, twice and then he signs, How about you spend five minutes in bed with me?

  “Just five?” I deadpan, adding a grin when he narrows his eyes at me.

  His skilled fingers move, I planned on keeping you longer, but you didn’t need to know that. Before I can speak, he yanks me into his room, throws me onto the bed and kisses me until I’m breathless.

  I stay wrapped in his arms for ten minutes and twenty-seven seconds doing nothing but lying with him. My heart pounds in my chest as I stare at the clock on his nightstand. Ten minutes and twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one seconds. I feel his heart beat against my body as every second ticks by silently. He’s calm like a beautiful spring day while I’m more like a cold, rainy day, downpours pelting the asphalt, thunderstorms rumbling loudly before the lightening strikes.

  Phoenix grabs my chin softly and turns my head so we’re looking at each other. His lips move as his hands speak their own secret language with the rest of me. “In this room, in this bed, time is irrelevant. It’s just us, two bodies made from stardust converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.”

  My lips curl up and I start to laugh like a manic because he’s right. I’m turning this into something deeper when it’s really as simple as breathing with Phoenix. Lying here for who knows how long now, we’re just breathing.

  Why couldn’t my mind tell me that?

  I grab Phoenix’s comforter and cover myself up as I sink deeper into his bed. The constant thoughts keeping my mind from ever being quiet finally turn silent.

  I shift a little closer to his body, my legs rubbing against his semi-damp skin. “After my first cup of coffee and I have my ears on, I want to hear you say that again. I bet it sounds sexy as fuck.” Whenever he talks like that, bringing the nerd side out, I want to stick around and listen to the love pour out of him. Sure, I don’t understand half the stuff he’ll mention which will make me feel a little stupid but I like the way his smile never fades and his neck turns the lightest shade of pink as he continues to speak.

  He learns how to sign for me. I listen to him speak of stars, moons, science, and physics. It’s called compromise. And I’m so on board with it.

  Phoenix smirks at me, eyes bright. “I want to hear you when I do this…” He slides his hand down my stomach, past my undies, and…well, you know where this is heading.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Luna

  I roll my neck and stretch, tapping Mac on the shoulder as I yawn. “Does it look good?” It comes out not sounding English at all so I ask again and stare up at my ceiling.

  The only light coming in is peeking through the crack of my closed curtains. You can’t really see how well you place multiple constellations with glow in the dark stars across the ceiling so we needed a dark room. And the stars are so damn tiny to accommodate more.

  Phoenix is at Noland’s high school graduation. I thought it would be the best time to do this. After staying in bed with him last Saturday, we’ve spent the last five days organizing and planning our trip because we are leaving tomorrow and I wanted to do something. My mind wouldn’t shut up. My legs kept disobeying me and I always found myself walking into his room, sliding under the covers, slipping into his arms.

  It’s because we live together, I told myself. It’s not something I should break apart and analyze. But I do and when I feel Phoenix fall into a deep sleep, I slip back out of his arms, walk up to his telescope and take a closer look at the stars before I tell them the same secret over and over again.

  I love the way his arms feel around me.

  And it’s that word, love that makes me leave his bed before he wakes up. When a person says they love something about a person they’re seeing, they end up loving more things, ultimately falling in love with that person because it’s the only thing left to do.

  I’m not ready to be infected. The zombie love apocalypse has to wait.

  So I’m taking the stars and putting them into my room, planning on having this one night to myself before we leave and get closer. It’s bound to happen, right? Traveling with your best friend and the guy who wants to date you, you’re going to grow closer.

  After that, I’ll see if I’m willing to love more things about the man who loves the stars. He makes it seem easy.

  “It’s as good as it’ll get. We did good, Lulu.” Mac rubs his chin as he traces out Orion. “Are you getting ready for winter? Star-gazing with snow not your thing?” He drops his chin a bit, eyeing me curiously.

  I hold his gaze for as long as I can, not uttering a word. The thought did come to mind. Or course it did. Everything does. Putting these stars up looks like I’m planning ahead; planning on having Phoenix here to look at stars with me when we can’t go onto the roof. It seems like that because it is. I’m trying to see how comfortable I am with the idea. I need time to process what I feel and do. The fact that I’m not tearing the stars down are a good sign.

  “This is the first time I’m planning ahead. Who knows what will happen on our trip. We probably won’t even like each other when we get back home. But I’ll still have the stars. He showed me the beauty of what’s out there and I want it, Mac. I want to see what he sees. So yes, star-gazing while it snows seems risky and I went ahead and thought of this. Please don’t make it seem like a big deal, okay. I’ll start picking apart things and I’ll hate him. I’ll hate him for giving me this.” Giving me something that connects to him.

  Mac nods, looking a bit conflicted. “He can give you everything you ever dreamed of, Lu. I think you can make him love something more than astronomy some day. This trip is exactly what you two need. And if for some reason it doesn’t work out, just know that you’ll still have him on your side. I spent five years living with him, I know how he operates.”

  “It’s his water sign. Freaking elements and their energy.”

  Phoenix spent a day telling me about the four elements; air, fire, water and earth, and how they represent an essential type of energy that acts in us. He’s a Cancer, which is a water sign. They are exceptionally emotional and ultra-sensitive. They love profound conversations and intimacy, and are always there to support loved ones. That is the entire Sloan family right there.

  I’m an Aries, the fire sign. Phoenix had a field day telling me how fire signs tend to be passionate, dynamic, and temperamental. They get angry quickly but forgive easily. And they’re adventurers with immense energy. I couldn’t believe how much all of that sounded like me, like us.

  It’s like we’re destined to be together, right?

  What chance do we have against fate?

  It’s like we were written in the stars.

  We are fire and water.

  Stars and the moon.

  Phoenix and Luna.

  “He brought up the elements?” Mac chuckles as we walk out of my room. “His ex hated hearing about astrology. She hated everything Phoenix liked, actually. No one ever understood that guy. Did you know Nix reads the horoscope every day? He wakes up thinking of astrology and goes to bed dreaming of astronomy. Dude is a nerd.”

  “He is,” I confirm, walking past his empty bedroom.

  In a
parallel universe, one where everything is ten times better, and I’m not so closed off and distant, I would say, “He’s my nerd.”

  Let’s try making that a reality.

  Whoa, baby steps remember.

  Walk, don’t run.

  As we head downstairs, I shoot out a quick group text to my family letting them know I’ll be leaving tomorrow. Mom still hasn’t come by the house in the eighty-four days I’ve lived here. Yes, I counted every day hoping she’d be parked outside on one of them. But she only heads out of the house when she’s going to work or babysitting Sadie. And that’s one of the main reasons why I feel so much remorse over what I did. If I didn’t have the abortion, would Mom and I be closer? Would she spoil my child the way she does Sadie, and not care if it’s adding to her debt?

  Mom feels like a failure. Maybe she loves Sadie so much because she’s the one person she can’t screw up. She gets to redo it all; spend time with a beautiful little girl that has no health problems. Mom gets to see how her life would have been if I didn’t become deaf. I wonder if it really helps her.

  I’m consumed by what-if’s and I’ll never know the answers to them.

  I can’t change the past.

  I can’t change my family.

  Only Tanner and Dad reply to my text. They tell me to be safe and have fun.

  And it is now that I decide to let it all go.

  All the hurt and turmoil I’ve been holding in, I’m setting it free. This trip can’t be ruined because of a girl who hates everything. It needs a girl that has hope in her eyes and a beaming smile on her lips. This trip needs a girl that can love herself and her surroundings. I want to be that girl.

  I want to be happy, and safe, and have a lot of fun. I don’t want to be scared of what happens tomorrow. I want to find out what will happen today and go from there.

  I pass by the window in the kitchen and I look out at the bright blue sky. I want bright, happy days. I want to feel the sun on my face and the wind blowing through my hair. I don’t care if I can’t hear a sound. I just want to feel it all; everything life has to offer.

  Mac stands beside me, hands gripping the countertop as he leans forward.

  “I want to let myself love,” I confess.

  Green eyes hiding behind black-framed glasses pierce mine. “It’s the greatest feeling in the world, Lulu. If anyone deserves to feel what it’s like, it’s you.”

  I don’t tell him it’s also the worst. Loving me hurt him. Me possibly loving someone else can still hurt him, but he’ll never show it. He’s my best friend and will put my happiness before his. He once told me that the love he had me for is locked away in a special place of his heart. It’s there as a reminder of one of the best moments of his young adult life and he’ll never regret it. Never regret me. He loves me. And I love him. We’re just not in love with each other.

  Love is the greatest feeling, he says.

  It’s a blessing but it’s also a curse.

  “You brought him into my life. I don’t know if I should thank you or kill you.”

  Mac chuckles as he slides a hand around my middle. “Let’s see how it all turns out. Then you can decide.”

  That sounds reasonable to me.

  No pressure.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Phoenix

  For the second time in less than two weeks, I spend hours with my family before they head back home. Eliza’s wedding at least had alcohol. Noland’s graduation was filled with screaming eighteen-year-olds grateful for surviving the last four years of hell. I can only imagine how they’ll feel once college and life starts.

  The school had a ‘family-only’ rule for the graduation so I had to make the drive up alone. Now, driving back home, I want to throw myself into my bed and sleep but I don’t think that will happen because I’m too pumped for tomorrow. The road trip that I’ve planned for years is finally hours away.

  “You’re not going to keep checking in on me, right?” Noland asks, looking out of the window. “Mom and Dad said they were going to do it.”

  Because he’s officially done with school and our house will be vacant for the next month or so, my parents said Noland could housesit if I wanted him too. He gave me puppy-dog eyes and literally begged me so I gave in. It actually helps because I haven’t told Luna that Loki might have to stay behind. Some places that we’re going to visit don’t allow pets. I mean, we would have brought him and found a way to make it work if Luna refused to leave him with my family or someone we can trust, but since Noland is going to be living in our house with Mystique, Loki might enjoy it. I need to find a way to gently break the news to Luna.

  “I’ll probably text every day. Make sure you’re doing okay and didn’t burn the house down.” I turn onto my street, and see Luna and Loki walking up the stairs of our house when I get a little closer. They both go inside before I can enter the driveway. “Oh, Luna mentioned that our neighbor’s grandson, Jedidiah will be staying with Edith over the summer. I think he just graduated high school, too so he might he here any day. Luna thinks you and him could possibly become friends. You won’t be lonely for a month.”

  Noland nods as I park my car. “Will it make you feel better if I try and make a friend?”

  “It’ll make me feel better when you’re happy just because.”

  “Well, then,” he turns a shit-eating grin my way. “I’m happy just because.”

  “It has nothing to do with knowing Luna is in the house?” I question with an eyebrow raised.

  He rolls his eyes as he hooks an arm around Mystique, bringing her to his chest. “I’m backing off because you two are a thing or whatever now.” He fluffs Mystique’s fur then loses the fake smile. “I don’t know why but it’s always the girls who don’t know they’re pretty that catch my attention. Do you know what I mean? I feel like when she looks in the mirror, she sees something awful. Everyone points out the one thing she hates and makes her feel worse, right? I see a girl. Nothing is wrong with her.”

  I stare at my brother with admiration. He lets his true feelings out, the dude has no filter, and to hear him say that about Luna, I’m a proud big brother. I honestly couldn’t love this kid more right now.

  “That’s why we have to help her see that.” I recall what MacKay said some time ago and I agree with him. “We’re the good ones. She needs to be surrounded by us.”

  “Naked. We should surround her while naked.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” I snap, giving him a death glare.

  Noland laughs as he gets out of the car. “Yeah, yeah. None of that nonsense will be tolerated. She’s your girl. Hands off. Imagination included.”

  He shuts the door and sets Mystique on the ground.

  I stay in the car a second later, nodding, because he’s right.

  She’s my girl.

  Or at least, I hope she’ll be my girl soon enough.

  No pressure.

  We wait for Mystique to finish her business before we head inside the house. Loki comes running to the door then skitters off when he sees Mystique. He barks a few times and it has the power to bring Luna out of the kitchen. She stops short when she sees Noland then the shock wears off and she looks elated. “Please tell me you’re staying here while we’re gone. Mac just told me I can’t bring Loki.”

  “I am,” Noland squeaks. He looks away quickly, the tips of his ears starting to turn red. He is totally picturing my girl naked. Fucking asshole.

  “Congrats on graduating!” Luna adds.

  “I didn’t say you can’t bring him. I just said some places don’t allow pets.” Mackenzie comes to a stop beside her and crouches down to calm a barking Loki. “Aw, come on, man. Don’t be scared. She’s harmless. Look at her.” He twirls Loki around so he’s facing Mystique. I’m not even joking. “You two will have so much fun together. Do you know how gangsta you’ll be walking beside her? Pft, the other dogs won’t even come after you. She’ll have your back.” He waves a hand for Loki to move. Loki looks at Luna.


  “Go,” she adds. “Be doggy friends.”

  It was all he needed. He trots over to Mystique who sits by Noland’s leg, patiently. They do a little stare off before butts are being sniffed and all is good in doggy land.

  Luna sighs and turns to Mackenzie.

  That girl…that girl can charm anyone. Animals included.

  “So, um, are we going to have a little party? Cake sounds good. Anyone?” Luna wrings her hands together and lets them swing in front of her. “Pizza instead? Beer?” She wiggles her brows at Noland. “I’ll look away and it’ll be like it never happened.”

  “Only if you put your hair up then we can celebrate.” Noland stuns us all by saying that. He works his mouth into a grimace that might be a smile, I can’t tell. “Please?”

  Luna glances over at me. I didn’t tell him to say that. I mean, it’s something I would say but I didn’t. He beat me to it.

  She nods a few times but still looks a little undecided. “Okay.” After a final nod, she’s heading toward the staircase. “I’ll be right back.”

  I watch her walk up the stairs slowly, muscles tight.

  I find Mackenzie staring at me when I look back down. He smiles and cocks his head out as if to say ‘go.’ “I think she’ll want someone there for encouragement.”

  I take the stairs two at a time before the words finish leaving his mouth.

  Luna’s back disappears inside her room so I follow. I stand by the door, my eyes taking in her struggle as she stands in front of the mirror. Dark waves cascade down her back, slightly moving as she tilts her head to the side and takes off one sound processor then the other.

  I stride over to her when she seems to be frozen in time. Our eyes meet in the reflection and I see her anxiety. I want to wash it all away. I want her to look in the mirror and see every beautiful thing about herself.

  I take her hair into my hands and twist it around and around until it makes a bun. Rylan would be proud to say she taught me how to make them perfect. I hold Luna’s hair in place as I lean forward and kiss the spot behind her ear, the spot where the scar is from her surgery.