The Death of Me

by Yolanda Olson

  I rolled onto my back, arms and legs spread out, and stared at the ceiling. How could he had done that? Of all the times and places, at Grandpa Frances’ funeral? With an angry grunt, I pushed myself up to a seated position and retrieved the phone book. I flipped the pages until I found the number for Rockford High School again and jabbed the numbers into the phone pad. I was pissed; really pissed and I wasn’t going to let this go.

  “Rockford High School, this is Belle speaking. How may I help you?” the voice asked cheerfully.

  “Did Principal Spears return yet?” I barked into the phone.

  “Um yes. He arrived a few moments ago. May I ask who’s calling?” she stammered.

  “Zaydee Lansing. Transfer me,” I commanded.

  “Please hold,” she said quietly. The sound of the hold music came over the speaker and I felt like punching the wall. I hated hold music, specifically more so when I had something important to say.

  “Zaydee?” Garrett asked, in surprise.

  “What the fuck was that? At my grandfather’s funeral? Why did you do that?” I yelled into the phone.

  “I’m not going to speak to you if you insist on yelling.”

  The line clicked dead and I stared at the phone. Did he really just hang up on me? I was outraged and called the school back almost immediately.

  “Rockford Hi—”

  “Put Spears back on the phone,” I said, cutting her off.

  “I’m sorry, but he’s not accepting anymore phone calls today. May I take a message?” she asked brightly.

  I slammed the phone down and got to my feet. If he wasn’t taking my phone calls, then he could tell me exactly what he had been trying to accomplish in person.

  Thirty minutes later, I was driving past the security post after identifying myself as a former student and went to the visitor parking lot he had directed me toward.

  I pulled off the back of the visitor sticker he gave it to me and jumped out of the truck, still dressed in my funeral clothes. I walked purposefully toward the double doors and toward the administration office.

  When I walked in, I saw that he was standing behind the secretary who had been playing devil’s advocate with a file open.

  “May I help you?” she asked glancing up at me.

  I locked eyes with Garrett who flipped the file closed with the flick of a wrist. The look on my face must have been absolute rage because he chuckled and motioned for me to follow him into his office.

  “If you start yelling, she’ll call the police. Not because I’ve told her to, but because we have to protect our students,” he said, closing the door behind me.

  I stood behind the chair that was across from his desk, watching him as he dropped the file down and sat. He leaned back, crossed his arms behind his head, and gave me a stern look.

  “Now, if you can talk to me like an adult, I have no issues having this conversation. The moment you raise your voice Zaydee, we’re done.”

  I began to drum my fingers on the chair and stared at him. I had to calm myself down before I spoke otherwise he’d kick me out and I’d be escorted off of school property. Not exactly something I wanted to experience the same day as burying my grandfather.

  “Why did you do that, Garrett?” I asked as calmly as I could.

  “Because it was the best time to do it,” he replied simply. “Frances is the reason that Scott is still in the family and he’s also the reason you came back.”

  “I’m not staying. I have a home in Florida and I plan on going back there. You need to forget whatever you seem to think is going to happen here,” I replied with a laugh.

  Garrett leaned forward in his chair and clasped his hands on his desk. It was obvious that my laughter had pissed him off because he turned an angry shade of red. I waited for him to flip out on me, but he didn’t. Instead he looked down for a moment, cleared his throat, and sighed.

  “Sit down, Zaydee. You’re making me nervous.”

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about. I’m not staying. I’m happy that my grandparents were kind enough to give the kid a good home and keep him close, but I’m also angry. Angry that everyone seemed to know but me. Angry that there’s fourteen years just sitting there that I’ll never get back. Angry that I don’t even want to try to make up for lost time,” I replied, my voice starting to crack. “He’s better off without me. Everyone here is. I only end up fucking everything and everyone over. Why should I try to step in now and make it right, when I wasn’t even given a chance to make it work?”

  “Because you owe yourself some happiness,” he replied softly.

  I let out a loud laugh. Happiness? Didn’t he know that I was the perpetual sad girl? The girl that knew that happiness didn’t come to everyone and I had resigned myself to that? That I was “happiest” being alone in my home in Florida where no one knew who I was?

  “I’m my best self when I’m alone,” I replied coldly. “You have a wonderful life now. You won’t have to worry about me bothering you again.”

  “Would it change anything if I told you that I still love you?” he asked.

  “You don’t love me,” I scoffed. “We had a stupid fling. You knocked me up, broke my heart, and the family kept it all a secret from me. I’ve had more than enough of Los Angeles to last me a lifetime.”

  “I gave up my entire life to be with you! My family! My home! Everything I ever knew was turned upside down the first time you kissed me! Do you really think that my feelings have just gone away?” he asked incredulously.

  That simple plea from him put an idea in my head. If Garrett really loved me and wanted us to be together again, then I could make him prove it in more ways than one.

  “Look, I have to go. I want to be alone for the rest of the day. Come by the Hilton on South Grand tomorrow and we can talk more about this when I have a clear head. I’m in room five twenty seven.”

  I looked at him and shook my head before I turned and walked out. The rest of the day would be mine. I’d take a nap, watch some television, and try to get this clusterfuck of a day out of my head.

  Tomorrow would be different; with the dawning of a new day, I would put Garrett’s declaration of love to the test.

  Eleven

  I was sitting on the carpeted floor of the room the next morning watching The History Channel, when a knock came at the door. I had become so engrossed in the program on barbarians that I wasn't really aware of it until it came for the second time and harder than before.

  "Coming!" I called out, not moving from my spot. If it was that important to get into my room, whoever it was would be able to wait until a commercial came on. I pulled my legs underneath myself and leaned back against the edge of the bed, listening to the program expert when a voice rang out.

  "Zaydee? It's Garrett."

  I sighed and got to my feet. I went over to the door, unlocked it and pulled it open, eyes on the television the entire time. He walked into the room and I went back to my spot on the floor.

  "Sit down somewhere. It's the History channel. You should like this," I said, waving at him absentmindedly.

  Garrett chuckled and sat at the edge of the bed patiently. About six minutes later, the program braked for a commercial, and I turned my head up toward him. He looked down at me with a smile and I shook my head.

  "Shouldn't you be at school being official or something?" I asked.

  "I called in sick. You told me you wanted me to meet you here, remember?" he replied.

  "What can I say? I didn't think you'd show," I remarked with a shrug.

  Garrett shook his head as he nudged me with his knee. I moved over on the carpet and he sat down next to me, bringing his knees up, and resting his arms on them. He ran a hand back through his hair quickly and turned slightly toward me.

  "I've been asking myself since you left yesterday, if I should even show up. And now that I'm here, I'm asking myself why I'm sitting in the same room with you. Being around you brings back all of my old feelings; it makes everythi
ng feel like it might be okay again, but there's something really different about you, Zaydee."

  "Adulthood," I replied dryly.

  "That's not funny," he snapped.

  I smirked. I couldn't really remember who had initiated our soiree when I was in school, but I do remember enjoying every time we were alone together. Of course, that could have just been the young, romantic girl in me with her first love, as opposed to the bitter, grown woman who refused to believe in love.

  "Why am I here?" he asked, more calmly.

  "Tell you when this is over," I replied, turning my attention toward the program as it came back from commercial break. Garrett sighed irritably and I leaned over to rest my head on his shoulder.

  We watched the remainder of the show in silence and at some point he managed to slip his arm around me. Being as engrossed in the program as I was, I hadn't noticed until it was over and went to get to my feet to turn off the television. After I shut it off, I went over to the window overlooking the city and smiled.

  "It's been fourteen years, can you believe it?" I asked wistfully. "Fourteen years since I've been in this shit hole of a city. If I said I missed it, I'd be lying. This place is full of bad memories for me. It seems to keep taking everything I love away too. There's so much pain here. How can you stand it?"

  "I block it all out. Anything that's ever hurt me to think about, anything I've lost; I just push it all down into a place I can't reach. And quite honestly Zaydee, it was working just fine until you showed back up," he admitted, shaking his head.

  The smile on my lips widened a little. That was the thing with being damaged; no matter how hard you tried to keep it contained to just yourself, you always ended up hurting those around you.

  "I'm going to Grandma's house today and though you might want to come," I said, finally answering his initial question.

  "Yeah, I'd love to go," he replied as he got to his feet.

  I tore my eyes away from the Los Angeles skyline and glanced at the clock near my bed. We still had a couple of hours before we had to get there, but I had already run out of things to say.

  "What time is she expecting you?" he asked, coming over to the window.

  "Eleven-ish."

  "What's been your biggest heartbreak?" I asked, glancing up into Garrett's eyes. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wasn't exactly sure what his answer would be, but I knew I just wanted to know if someone else beside me could pinpoint where things went to hell in their life.

  "I honestly don't think it was just one thing. I think it was a culmination of things here and there that eventually swelled into a volcano of piss and shit, and then boom; one day the pressure just boiled. That was also the same day I told Josie about us," he said with a chuckle.

  "I really am sorry about that," I said softly.

  Garrett shrugged as he sat down in the chair near the window. He didn't say anything more on that subject; almost like he didn't want to talk about it. I kind of got it though, because had he not kept me after school one day for being tardy to class, neither of us would be here having this damn conversation.

  I glanced at him and tilted my head. Garrett's brown warm eyes were fixated on the skyline and I found myself slowly walking over the two or three steps toward him. He turned his attention to me and raised an eyebrow at my smile. Taking a deep breath, he moved the chair around so that he would be facing me completely. I filled the gap between us and put my hands on his shoulders and watching a slow smile spread across his face as he gripped my hips.

  "Remember how yesterday you said you gave up everything for me?" I asked, leaning down to graze his ear with my lips. He nodded and took in a shuddery breath. "How much more are you willing to give?"

  "Anything I have left. Anything you want, Zaydee," he whispered as his voice started to tremble.

  "Promise?" I asked, letting my lips travel to his neck.

  "I promise."

  I smiled deviously and straddled him in the chair. His breath caught in his throat because I had caught him off guard, but as I leaned down to kiss him, his hands firmly gripped my hips. I rocked ever so slightly as our tongues touched and a sigh escaped my lips.

  With as much as I hated to admit it to myself, the feeling I was getting from this kiss alone, was enough to make me want to stay with him forever. I had never felt safer than when I was in his arms, no matter how forbidden it was at the time, it just always felt right. When I felt him push his hard cock up toward me, I pulled away from him and got off of his lap. It spooked me for some reason; no matter how good the kisses were, knowing that he wanted to be inside of me scared the shit out of me.

  “I can’t. Not yet,” I whispered.

  He let out a breath, pulled my face down to his and kissed me gently on the lips.

  “I won’t force you to do anything you’re not ready for.”

  That’s a first, I thought as I went back to my spot on the floor and went back to watching the History channel.

  Twelve

  By the time ten thirty came around, we were walking toward his car. He offered to drive to Grandma's house and I accepted since I was pretty sure I wouldn't be worth much after our morning rendezvous. True, it hadn’t been as much as he would’ve liked, but it was enough for now to keep him happy.

  "Next time, we'll have to follow through on that," Garrett said as he pulled out of the parking lot.

  "Who said there was going to be a next time?" I asked, with a playful laugh.

  He glanced at me with cocky smirk on his face. It had been damn obvious at this point that he had no intentions on letting me leave so easily. It was probably even more obvious that I refused to back down on that. Two weeks to sin with him was more than enough and then I would go back home and erase the memory from my mind. I would act like this never happened and I would learn to stop looking at the fucking obituaries hoping for a familiar death.

  Grandma's house wasn't far from the hotel. She lived in Burbank ever since I could remember and was too stubborn to leave it. Not that I thought anything was wrong with the place, I just knew that trying to convince her to move down to Florida with me would probably be out of the question. My heavy sigh got Garrett's attention and I felt his hand suddenly on my leg.

  "What's up?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

  "Nothing important," I replied quietly. I shifted in my seat in a way that it would knock his hand off and kept my eyes trained out of the passenger window all of the way to our destination. Garrett chuckled; he probably knew that us sharing that moment that we did before leaving, meant little to nothing to me.

  I'd never love him, and to be quite honest, I wasn't sure that I ever did. I never said it to him when I was younger and I wouldn't say it to him now. It's just how I was; the only person that had gotten an "I love you" out of me recently had been my grandfather and he wasn't even alive to hear it.

  "How are we presenting ourselves?" he asked, when he finally saw the city limit sign for Burbank.

  I gave him a confused look and he shook his head.

  "Never mind," he sighed.

  Hm. Wonder what that's all about, I thought as I turned to look back out of the window again. I knew it wouldn't be long until we reached my grandparents' house and I didn't want to enter her home with any obvious tension between myself and Garrett.

  "You can pull into her driveway she said," I told him, pointing as we approached the modest two story home. I smiled at the yellow panels that lined the outside of the house, the wooden steps that I used to love sitting on as a child, and the tire swing that still hung from the lone maple tree in their front yard.

  I went over to the swing, smile still on my face, and gave the tire a gentle push. I found myself wondering if Scott had been on this swing at any point in his life, just once, and it made me turn away. It made me climb the stairs to my grandparents' house and ring the doorbell. There was a reason Grandma wanted me to come over today and I wondered if it had anything to do with him.

  I waite
d patiently until I heard the sound of Grandma's cane making thudding noises across the floor. She peeked through the old curtains on the small side window and smiled when she saw me. A few seconds later, the front door was pulled open and she was holding an arm out toward me.

  "Hi Grandma," I greeted, with a gentle hug.

  "Oh Zaydee. My darling Zaydee," she said happily. "I'm so glad you came."

  "I never could say no to you," I replied, pulling away. "Garrett came with me; I hope that's okay."

  "Of course it is!" she exclaimed looking past me. "Come here and give me a hug, young man."

  Garrett's face turned slightly red as he stepped forward and hugged Grandma. I smiled when I saw her hand grip the back of his shirt, before she pulled away and told us to come in. I waited until he walked past me so I could close and lock her door. Grandma and Grandpa always insisted that the deadbolt be locked first then the doorknob. They said that way, if they ever forgot to lock the bottom one, the stronger of the two would always be set in place.

  "Young man," I teased him quietly, as I caught up to them.

  Garrett shook his head, an embarrassed grin spreading across his face as we sat down in living room. I watched as he helped Grandma get comfortably into her chair before he came over and sat down next to me.

  "Thank you," she said to him with a nod. "I put the tea kettle on, so hopefully it'll be ready soon."

  "Thanks Grandma," I said, clasping my hands on my lap. She smiled at me and set her cane next to her chair. I waited to see if she would say anything else, but she didn't. She just sat there smiling happily at me, stealing glances at Garrett when she thought he wasn't looking. I shook my head in amusement and decided to bring up the subject at hand.

  "So, what's up, Grandma? Why did you want me to come by today?"

  "Garrett, would you mind bringing me that box next to you?" Grandma asked him.

  I glanced past him curiously as he grabbed a small, square wooden box and handed it to Grandma. She asked him to wait while she opened it. I watched her pull out a few envelopes that were tied together, and told him to hand them to me. I held my hands out eagerly and began to untie the envelopes when her voice stopped me.