The Death of Me

by Yolanda Olson

  "Not now, Zaydee. When you're ready to go leave again; that's when you open those," she said, in the sternest tone she could muster.

  "Yes, Grandma."

  I gave the envelopes to Garrett. If I held them, there would be more than a slight chance that I would wander off to open them and see what was inside.

  "That was a brave thing you did yesterday," Grandma said, glancing at Garrett. "Larry may not have thought so, but I know that Frances would be proud of you and that's all that matters."

  "I thought he was going to die!" I exclaimed.

  Garrett shrugged and leaned forward in his chair. "That secret would come out eventually, but I wanted to honor his wishes of not telling anyone while he was alive."

  "You know, I was a young girl too when I met Frances. That man was the greatest and only love of my life. I miss him every day," she said, her voice cracking slightly.

  The tea kettle started to whistle loudly as the water boiled. I got to my feet and went into the kitchen. I didn't want her to have to get up more than she had too, and I also didn't want her to see the tears that were starting to stream down my face. I used a dish towel to wipe my face clean then used it to pick the kettle up off of the burner.

  I wasn’t crying because Grandma was; I had lost the empathy part of humanity a long time ago. I was crying because even though she had suffered such a devastating loss, she was trying to find the silver lining in the cloud. Her telling us that she met Grandpa when she was young wasn’t a random fact that was thrown out lightly, and it wasn’t trivia to hold on to for another day. It was her way to try to make us comfortable with whatever decision we made.

  Goddamn it, Greta, I thought as I filled three small china cups with hot water and dropped tea bags into each one.

  If anything really was out in the universe, I could only hope that it would hear me begging for this visit to be as short as possible.

  Thirteen

  It was two o’clock in the afternoon by the time we left Grandma’s. She sat in her chair and told us the story of her and Grandpa while we listened, drinking our tea.

  Apparently, she had met him when she was fourteen years old and he was eighteen, but times were different then, as she put it. Also, she said she knew she wanted to marry him from the moment she saw him so no one could really tell her to stay away from him. I snuck glances at Garrett who had been smiling pleasantly as Grandma took us down memory lane, and I could only hope that he didn’t think it was the same with us.

  I had a moment of weakness earlier today and I honestly didn’t think I would repeat the mistake. It was what had gotten me into this clusterfuck of moving all the way to the other side of the United States to begin with.

  It was also the reason I was an absentee mother, a recluse, a self loather, and had such hatred for humanity. But as he drove me back to my hotel, I couldn’t find it in me to crush his high spirits.

  “I think we should go to Phoenix,” Garrett said when he pulled into the hotel parking lot.

  “For what?” I asked in confusion.

  “To meet our son,” he said giving me a pointed look.

  “Oh.”

  Oh! How could I forget already that he was in Phoenix?

  “No,” I replied thoughtfully running my hands through my hair. “I’ve fucked up enough lives, I don’t think it would do him any good for me to show up and shit on everything he knows. You should go, though! I think it would do you some good to meet him.”

  “Zaydee, you need to stop. You didn’t fuck up anything or ruin anything that wasn’t already meant to be ruined,” he said as patiently as he could.

  Truer words were never spoken, I thought with a soft chuckle.

  “Let me know how he’s doing, okay?” I said softly, as I leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. I reached into the back seat and retrieved the envelopes that Grandma had given to me in her home and pushed the door open.

  I hopped out of his car and practically ran to the front door of the hotel, Garrett calling my name from the driver’s side window. I didn’t turn around and I didn’t stop. It would’ve made me weak enough to go with him to Phoenix and I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to do that to a kid that probably didn’t know anything about me anyway.

  I walked past the front desk and took the stairs up to my room. I didn’t feel like waiting for the elevator today either. I wanted to get to my room and make a very important phone call. Even though I wouldn’t be going to actually see Scott, it didn’t mean that I couldn’t call and check on him.

  When I got to my room it dawned on me that I didn’t know Uncle Bill and Aunt Rose’s phone number, so I would have to make a phone call I didn’t want to in order to get the information.

  Fuck. I’m really not in the mood for the third degree, I thought as I unhappily dialed my parents’ phone number.

  “Hello?”

  It was Dad. I knew I should have hung up after the second ring.

  “Hey,” I said timidly.

  He stayed quiet for a moment before pulling the phone away from his mouth and called out to my mother.

  “Your daughter is on the phone!”

  That stung. Like I had tripped a bee’s nest and was being relentlessly attacked. But I took a deep breath and waited for Mom to come to the phone.

  “Zaydee?”

  “I was wondering if you had Uncle Bill’s phone number,” I said quietly.

  Mom rattled off the number and I told her to wait so I could find a pen and piece of paper. When I was ready, I told her to go ahead. She gave it to me again and then was silent for a moment.

  “Why are you calling Bill?” she asked curiously.

  “Garrett and Grandma told me, Mom. I just ... I just want to make sure he’s doing okay,” I explained hesitantly.

  “Send him our love.”

  Click.

  The line went dead and I listened to the sound of the buzzing until it dropped off into silence. I sighed unhappily and thought of how much more damage had been done to my parents after they found out that Garrett was the one that had gotten me pregnant at such a young age.

  I hung up the phone and looked down at the number I had scrawled onto the back of the envelope stack that Grandma had given me. I put the pen and the packet next to the phone and laid down to face the window. I wouldn’t be able to call and check on him if I felt like a failure, so I decided to take a nap instead. Maybe by the time I woke up, I’d be brave enough to make that phone call.

  Fourteen

  A few hours later, the sound of the phone ringing incessantly woke me from my sleep. My body was completely stiff causing me to flinch when I stretched. I closed my eyes tightly for a moment before turning onto my back and looking up at the ceiling. I draped an arm across my forehead and turned my head slightly to the right, waiting for the ringing to stop. But since it didn't, I blindly started reaching toward it in frustration. I sighed heavily when I accidentally knocked the receiver onto the floor from its cradle and had to roll over the side of the bed to retrieve it.

  "Hello?" I asked tiredly, when I finally put it to my ear.

  "It's about goddamn time! I've been calling you for days," Garrett barked into the phone.

  "What? I took a nap, don't be so dramatic," I said, rolling onto my back again.

  "Zaydee, its Sunday. How long did you plan on sleeping? Forever?" he asked angrily.

  My eyes flew open and I sat up straight. There was no way in hell I had slept for two days. I had trouble sleeping full nights, let alone days at a time. I glanced around the room uneasily wondering what it was that had allowed me to sleep so peacefully. Whatever it was, I needed to buy one as soon as I got home, but there was nothing out of the ordinary that I could notice.

  "Are you there?" Garrett asked, a little calmer.

  "Yeah, sorry. What's up?" I asked, scooting myself back against the headboard. I reached for one of the large, fluffy pillows and put it behind me. I wanted to be comfortable enough, but not too comfortable. Falling asleep on
the phone probably wouldn't impress him much.

  "I'm calling to make sure you didn't change your mind. I told the school board that a family emergency came up and that I needed to take the week off. I'm leaving for Phoenix tomorrow morning."

  I sighed. I understood his persistence, but he would just have to accept the fact that I wasn't going to bend on this. "No. Thank you. Just let me know how he is doing. That will be plenty for me."

  "Alright. I'll call you as soon as I get there, okay?"

  "Sure. Chances are I won't be leaving this room anyway," I replied with a tired chuckle.

  He didn't hang up right away and neither did I. We were having that awkward listening to each other breathe moment again.

  "I really did miss you," he said softly. "And I never stopped loving you. I couldn't; no matter how hard I tried to push you out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried to erase the memory of you in my heart, something inside of me wouldn't allow me to."

  "Thanks," I replied quietly as I hung up the phone.

  I wasn't used to "I love yous" and genuine heart felt emotion. I was used to twenty minute phone calls home to Grandpa Frances and nothing more. And even though he would end every phone call with an "I love you, Zay", I never had it said to me the way that Garrett was saying it. I knew it was in a completely different way than Grandpa had always meant it and somehow, it held almost as much meaning.

  But I didn't have time for love. I didn't have time for much of anything these days that involved other people. I took a deep breath and slid down onto my back again and closed my eyes. I wasn't tired, but I needed a moment to detach myself from the feelings that were starting to grow inside of me for Garrett.

  So as I lay there I did my best to crush the seed that was threatening to grow. I pushed it into the dark place that my parents had spent years in. I would refuse to let it blossom and because of it, I would be a better person.

  Fifteen

  Garrett

  I was sitting in the middle seat of the three row center on the 747. I never cared for flying, because of this very reason, but I wasn't going to make a fuss about it. I was already nervous enough with what I was doing and I didn't need to think about anything else. My focus was on Scott and Zaydee possibly having a phone conversation at the very least, but she seemed as stubborn as she was the day she first walked into my classroom.

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I hated thinking about that first time because it always made me hard, and it shouldn’t. Something like that shouldn’t excite me.

  I waited until the sign giving the okay to remove our seat belts flashed and I excused myself from where I was sitting. The people on either side of me sighed as I got up, but I paid them no mind. The only thing I could think about was that first time with Zaydee and I was going to need some privacy.

  I walked to the back of the airplane and opened one of the bathroom doors. Putting my hands on either side of the aluminum sink, I looked at myself in the mirror. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I ever shake the memory? No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, nothing would ever quell it.

  I turned around and unzipped my jeans and pulled out my hard cock. I spit in my palm and closed my eyes, gripping it firmly in my hand as the memory flooded my mind again.

  I sighed as I graded Matt’s paper. I couldn’t understand how some of my brightest students did so horribly on their homework.

  The sudden sound of someone popping bubblegum made me raise my eyes from my desk. It was Zaydee Lansing and she had finally decided to grace me with her presence.

  “Even for detention you’re late?” I asked sternly, glancing at the wall clock above the door.

  She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.

  “Where do you want me to sit?”

  “Your usual chair will do just fine,” I remarked, shaking my head.

  I waited until she was seated before I went back to grading my papers. I had already decided that her late appearance and less than stellar attitude, earned her another afternoon in that chair.

  There was only five minutes of actual silence before she started fidgeting around at her desk, chair scrapping on the tile floor. I rubbed my forehead irritably with my forefinger and thumb.

  “Problem, Ms. Lansing?” I asked.

  “No. Well. Yeah. Can I ask you something?” she said, leaning her arms onto her desk.

  “What’s on your mind?” I asked, dropping my pen and leaning back in my chair.

  “What made you want to become a teacher?” she inquired curiously.

  I raised an eyebrow at her. I wasn’t sure if she really wanted to know or if she was just making conversation, but I decided to answer her anyway.

  “I liked the idea of helping people. When I went to college, I looked at my options and still felt my love of history swelling in me, so that’s why I chose that path. I guess it was just the notion of helping people better themselves,” I replied thoughtfully.

  “Oh.”

  “So, if you don’t mind, I still have a stack of papers to grade,” I said, pointing down at my desk.

  “Sorry. I just hate it when it’s quiet. I always feel so lonely,” she replied softly.

  I groaned inwardly. I’d just have to take these papers home and finish there.

  “Why were you late to class today, Zaydee?” I asked.

  She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. I could tell she didn’t want to tell me, but I just wanted to know if she had a valid excuse and I could let her go home early.

  “After gym class, I was in the showers and Marnie and her friends decided it would be funny to grab my bra and yell out the size to everyone. I was so embarrassed that I waited in the shower until all of the girls left. I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

  “Teenagers can be so cruel to each other,” I remarked, shaking my head. “I wish you would’ve have told me that. I would’ve excused you being tardy.”

  She shrugged and looked down at her feet. Her demeanor seemed to have changed but I couldn’t quite tell in which direction until she spoke up again.

  “Yeah, but then we wouldn’t have a chance to hang out alone together,” she said shyly.

  Huh, wonder what the hell that’s supposed to mean, I thought to myself.

  “Mr. S, can I tell you something?” she continued.

  “Of course you can.”

  I watched Zaydee get up from her chair and walk over to the side of my desk. She let a hand fall on the pen I had been using to grade the homework papers, then raised her eyes to meet mine.

  “I like you.”

  “I like you too, Zaydee. You’re one of my best students,” I replied fondly.

  “No. I mean ... I like you,” she said.

  My hands started to shake at her confession. I had never had this situation happen with a student before and I knew I had to tread carefully. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and I didn’t want her to think anything would happen between us.

  “Don’t be shy; I’ve seen the way you look at me in class when you think I’m not looking. It’s okay for us to like each other,” she said, running a hand lightly up my arm.

  “Zaydee. I’m your teacher,” I said, emphasizing the last word. “You’re my student, but that’s it.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way. I was hoping you’d keep me after school eventually and today just happened to work out in my favor. Do you think I’m pretty, Mr. S?” she asked, her hand resting on my shoulder.

  Truth be told, I thought she was absolutely beautiful. She had the body of a grown woman; something my wife seemed to be lacking and even though I wouldn’t admit it to her; I did sometimes look at her with thoughts that shouldn’t have been running through my head.

  I inhaled sharply as she pushed the papers out of the way and sat down on my desk in front of me. The look in her eyes told me what she wanted, and I knew my eyes were reflecting hers.

  “We’ll get caught,” I whispered.

  She smiled and got off of the desk,
walked over to the door, and locked it. Then she went to the back of my classroom and rolled one of my mobile blackboards toward the door, blocking the small window view. Zaydee walked back toward me and went back to her spot on the desk.

  “Do you think I’m pretty?” she asked again.

  “No. I think you’re fucking beautiful,” I replied, my voice thick with desire as I leaned forward and pulled her on top of me.

  She let out a surprised squeal that I stopped by pressing my lips against hers. Her clumsy response told me that it was her first kiss, but I had every intention of being patient with her. I wanted her more desperately than I wanted anyone else in my life. Perhaps it was the thrill of being caught, or perhaps it was the thrill of being with a student, but either way I knew I wouldn’t let her leave this room until I had fucked her properly.

  She pulled away from me long enough to take her shirt off. When she tried to kiss me again, I held her back for a moment to look at her full breasts and felt myself becoming hard.

  I had never needed Josie the way I needed Zaydee. What I felt inside of me in this moment; it felt like my soul had been set on fire. Like everything I never knew I needed, everything I had denied myself, was finally sitting in front of me.

  As I sat there taking her beautiful body in, I found myself wondering if the fire inside of me was what true love was supposed to feel like. With a deep breath, I looked up into her gray eyes and gave her another chance to walk away from it.

  “Are you sure you want this?” I asked her.

  “Yes.”

  That was all I needed to hear. I kept one hand on her side, and used the other to slide her bra down, exposing her already hard nipples, and took one into my mouth. The way she wriggled on my lap as I sucked on it only made me harder.

  I moved from one to the other, sucking and licking more feverishly than I did with the last, her moans making me want to rip her clothes off. But I was determined to take my time, because if I was her first kiss, then I knew I would also be her first fuck and I wanted her to enjoy it. It meant she would come back for more.