Expectation Hangover
Page 7
3.Bring your awareness to someone you love very much and for whom you have a tremendous amount of compassion. No matter what they do or don’t do, no matter what they are going through, you love them and feel compassion toward them. You can be with their suffering. It can be a person or a pet. Choose someone you accept unconditionally, and really visualize that person in your mind’s eye.
4.Notice the feelings that come up as you bring that person into your awareness. Feel the love and compassion you are experiencing. Experience seeing through the eyes of love.
5.Now take all the love, compassion, and acceptance you are experiencing as you think of that person and direct it toward yourself. See yourself in your mind’s eye being surrounded by your own love. You can visualize this love as a soft lavender or pink color that is wrapping itself around you like a warm blanket. See yourself through eyes of love. This is compassion.
6.Notice how it feels to be connecting to the part of you that unconditionally loves and has an infinite amount of compassion.
7.Anchor this experience by bringing your hand to your heart. Take another deep breath and inhale love. Exhale a sigh of relief. Now that you have this reference point, you can always connect to your own self-compassion by bringing your hand to your heart.
8.When you are ready, slowly open your eyes and bring your awareness back into the room.
9.Take some time to reflect on this process in your journal.
Recycling versus Releasing Feelings
“If you want to enjoy the rainbow, be prepared to endure the storm.”
— Warren Wendel Wiersbe
Now, you may be thinking, “I’m an emotional person. I do feel my feelings — I cry, and sometimes I even yell.” Or, “I’ve processed my emotions in the past. There is no deep emotional work I need to do related to my hangover.” Did you have a good cry yet still get limited relief, despite going through a box of Kleenex? Or take your anger to a boxing class but still leave feeling mad about something? Or experience temporary relief from upsetting emotions tied to Expectation Hangovers in the past but notice that they tend to resurface in a familiar way when another disappointment comes along? These things happen because most of us recycle our feelings rather than truly releasing them.
Without self-compassion (remember self-compassion is the lifeline the Surfer relies on when riding the waves of emotion), the same feeling continues to get triggered in different ways. I call this recycling. Conversely, releasing a feeling is when you allow yourself to express it without any judgment, analysis, interpretation, or desire to get out of it. Feelings get recycled rather than released when we try to interpret, blame, figure out, or fix them rather than allowing them to be expressed. When we do not allow ourselves to become the Surfer and ride the feeling long enough to experience its full impact, we end up recycling the feeling, and it continues to resurface.
The hangover-like symptoms we experience and the judgments we make are usually connected to unresolved issues from the past with a similar resonance. It’s as if some part of our consciousness is saying, “Oh, I feel a sense of rejection right now. Hmmm . . . I’ve felt this before. So now I’m going to bring up all those familiar feelings from the past that are still inside because maybe now that they’ve been triggered again, I can heal them.” For example, during my divorce, I was processing not only the end of the relationship with my husband, but also the unprocessed grief from my earlier life that I had pushed aside. This cumulative experience is the way all Expectation Hangovers work, which is why they can feel so emotionally overwhelming and confusing.
“Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place.”
— Judith Wright
After Lindsay’s sudden breakup with her boyfriend of three years, she was overwhelmed with grief over the loss of the man she thought was “the one.” She lost weight, was not motivated to go out, and felt like crying every day. On the advice of friends and out of her own desire to get over her ex, she threw her skinny jeans back on and jumped right into dating. About five months after her breakup, she met Chris. He wined her, dined her, and told her how fabulous she was. This felt so much better than sitting at home crying about the other guy. A year later they were engaged. Yet a few months after her wedding, she came to me complaining about how much anxiety she felt about his work travel schedule. Chris spent about three days on the road each week. While he was away, Lindsay felt panicked; but when he got back home, she wasn’t that interested in her brand-new husband. “I don’t get why I feel so anxious and sad. I have everything I want in my life. What is going on?” The very thing that was supposed to make her happy simply wasn’t.
Lindsay shared with me that her father left her family when she was seven years old. She felt sad and abandoned but did not express her feelings because she saw how upset her mom was and wanted to be strong for her. As a little girl, Lindsay learned how to put on a mask and pretend she was fine. She distracted herself from her sadness by focusing on her schoolwork and taking care of her mom. When her boyfriend broke up with her, which felt similar to the rejection and abandonment she felt when her dad left, she suppressed her sadness just as she did when she was a young girl. Now that the shininess of her newest relationship had worn off and her husband’s frequent travel was triggering her abandonment issues once again, the feelings of sadness about her previous boyfriend and all the grief and sadness she had repressed and recycled throughout her life came up.
The more we try to get out of feeling our feelings, the more baggage we are storing up. So you might as well open the floodgates now; otherwise there will just be some other Expectation Hangover in the future in which the Universe will invite you to do the same thing again. In Lindsay’s case, she stopped avoiding the pain and was willing to go back to painful moments in her life. After working with the powerful tools of the Surfer, Lindsay was able to let go of old hurts and open her heart fully to her husband. Today she is happily in love and recently gave birth to her first son.
EXERCISE
Uncovering Recycled Feelings
This exercise will help you bring unresolved issues into your consciousness. You will take an even deeper look into the emotions you are experiencing to find those that have been repressed in the past and that are being recycled into your current Expectation Hangover. Get out your journal and move through the following steps. For this exercise you will need to refer back to your Expectation Hangover Assessment Form (p. 28).
1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted. Refer back to your answer to question 5 on the Expectation Hangover Assessment Form (“What feelings are you experiencing?”) and elaborate on your answer, using the sentence stem “This Expectation Hangover makes me feel…”
2.Refer back to your answer to question 12 on the Expectation Hangover Assessment Form (“Does this Expectation Hangover remind you of things from your past? Are certain memories surfacing? How does this feel familiar?”) and expand on your answer, using the following sentence stems:
I have felt like this before when…
This reminds me of …
I remember when…
Be sure to write as much as you can for each sentence stem. Allow the memories to flow.
3.Take some time to reflect on this process in your journal.
You now have a better understanding of the thread that ties together feelings from cumulative Expectation Hangovers, and you are even more prepared to release your emotions.
“It’s about just really, really feeling it and honoring it, knowing it is a very important part of humanness. When I relax into pain, instead of pushing it away, it melts.”
— Elizabeth Lesser
Now that you have some context for what riding the waves of your emotions means and have tapped into self-compassion, you are ready to dive in and fully release your feelings. Once again you call on the Surfer, but this time you are willing to go much farther
out in the ocean and catch a much bigger wave. Not only are you willing to express feelings about your current Expectation Hangover; you are going to fully experience them. I am going to share with you the two most effective tools I have found for releasing feelings: release writing and the temper tantrum technique.
TOOL
Release Writing
Release writing is much different from journaling because it is more “stream of consciousness” in approach. Unlike journaling, where you are writing in a slower, more thoughtful way to allow interpretation and reflection, release writing is really a process of dumping. Just like a surfer, who cannot control the flow of the wave he is on (or another wave that may come in), do not attempt to control your feelings by editing or pausing to reflect.
When using this technique, write by hand, not on a computer, because release writing is a kinesthetic activity. You write with the intention of keeping up with the pace of your thoughts. Although it may be challenging to keep up with the speed of your emerging thoughts and feelings, write as fast as you can so you do not miss the wave that is coming in. You probably won’t finish writing a sentence before another sensation or thought comes up. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, or the legibility of what you are writing. Keep writing until you experience a sense of relief and emptiness. Upon completion, burn or rip up the paper to release the energy. Do not interpret, analyze, or go back to read what you wrote, because that would only recycle your emotions. The purpose of this process is to embody the Surfer and ride the waves of what you are experiencing so that emotions you may have suppressed or avoided can begin to flow.
There are two ways you can use the release-writing process. The first is to use it when you feel really upset by your Expectation Hangover. Instead of avoiding or suppressing your emotions, grab some paper and just begin to write. Allow yourself to really feel the emotions as you write, and continue until the intensity of the feeling decreases to a point where you feel relief. The second way is to make a practice of this technique by committing to a minimum of ten minutes of release writing per day for at least forty days. Spiritual experts and scientists agree that it takes forty days to create a new habit — the time it takes to form new neural pathways in the brain. If you commit to using this process as a way to release emotions, I assure you that you will purge yourself of a lot of recycled emotions you have been carrying around for decades. If forty days feels like too much, simply committing to using this tool to help you release the emotions that are being triggered by your Expectation Hangover is a great start. Release writing was inspired by and adapted from the free-form writing technique developed by John-Roger and the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness.
EXERCISE
Release Writing
For this exercise you will need two or three sheets of blank, lined paper, a pen that is very comfortable and easy to write with, a candle, and a timer. When you do this exercise, it is essential that you write by hand.
1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted, and set a timer for ten minutes. You can keep writing after the timer ends, but the minimum is ten minutes. Remember, emotions are like waves — they have peaks and valleys — so support your expressive process by giving yourself plenty of time to ride the waves.
2.Before you begin, light the candle and ask, “May only that which is for my Highest Good come forward.”
3.Take a moment to connect to your Higher Self by bringing your hand to your heart. Feel this unconditionally loving and compassionate part of you. This is your surfboard and will keep you safe as you ride the waves of your emotions.
4.Beginning writing. Just write whatever comes to you. Whatever you do, keep writing. Don’t stop. Even if all you can write is “I don’t know what to write.” Use these sentence stems to prompt you if you need them, but do not feel that you have to follow a script:
I’m angry because…
I’m sad because…
I’m ashamed because…
I’m disappointed because…
I’m scared because…
I feel guilty because…
Do not edit yourself. Do not interpret or analyze. Do not try to make sense of it or make it legible. Just let it rip! This is your opportunity to let it all out. If tears come, allow yourself to cry. Whatever you do, keep riding the waves of your emotions. Don’t stop.
5.At the end of the ten minutes, if you feel that you’re done, you can move to the next step. If you feel there is still emotion present, keep writing.
6.When you’re done writing, take a moment and bring your hand to your heart. Take in a nice, deep breath and connect to the love inside you. Acknowledge yourself for your courage and willingness to work through this exercise.
7.Take the paper (do not attempt to reread it!) and either rip it up in tiny pieces or burn it. You do this to fully release the energy. Then wash your hands up to your elbows.
8.Take some time to reflect on this process in your journal. Since release writing is such a cleansing process, big realizations often come up afterward.
BETH’S STORY
The hardest part of my unexpected job loss was being with all the feelings that came up. There were moments when I felt so lost, so out of control and confused. I was afraid that I wouldn’t find work again. I felt like a huge failure. The best thing I did to treat my Expectation Hangover was to allow the bigness of all my feelings to come out. I could not force them out on command, but I did my best not to suppress them. I did not avoid them, and I did not numb them. I trusted that the process I was going through was just that — a process. It had to play out. I was patient and gentle with myself rather than blaming myself or thinking that I could have prevented it. In the past I had used drugs, alcohol, food, and sex as ways to escape the feelings. But this time I faced the storm head-on, and I surfed the waves of my emotions. I learned about my own strength, and my capacity for tolerating my own discomfort increased the more I practiced. That time in my life came with so much pain, but it also was some of my greatest learning. It altered the trajectory of my self-discovery. It’s a huge part of who I am today — and it really prepared me for the job I now have, which I love!
TOOL
Temper Tantrum Technique
Using the role-playing Rx of the Surfer, this tool will support you in the full release of your emotion similar to how a child has a temper tantrum. I understand that this technique may seem unusual, but from both my own life and my work with thousands of clients and workshop participants, I know how powerful and purifying it is. Keep an open mind and trust the wisdom of your childhood expression. We all knew how to express our feelings as children before we became self-conscious and adopted avoidance and suppression strategies. In this technique you give yourself full permission to bring up negative feelings. You allow yourself to feel angry, scared, ashamed, and so on. You welcome the feelings to come up in their fullest expression. It is okay to yell and cry — in fact, it is often essential to our healing. Expectation Hangovers prepare us to go through an apparently impenetrable wall, and the intense feelings concerning this wall are the very fuel that will propel you through it. These feelings are the access to your hidden power and potential.
Remember that if your feelings begin to feel big and scary, that you are always connected to your own self-compassion. There is a part of you that is feeling big feelings and a part of you that is keeping you safe by holding a loving space ready for you.
EXERCISE
Temper Tantrum Technique
For this exercise you will need a candle, a large pillow, some Kleenex, your journal, and a stuffed animal if you have one.
1.Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure it’s a place where you’ll have privacy.
2.Before you begin, light the candle and ask, “May only that which is for my Highest Good come forward.”
3.Take a moment to connect to your Higher Self by bringing your hand to your heart. Feel this unconditionally
loving and compassionate part of you. This is your surfboard and will keep you safe as you ride the waves of your emotions.
4.Take some time to think about your Expectation Hangover and what is really upsetting you. Saying what you are upset about out loud is a great way to begin bringing your feelings to the surface. Use sentence starters like these:
I’m mad because…
I’m sad because…
I’m hurt because…
This sucks because…
5.Let the emotions come up. Resist the temptation to analyze your feelings or the situation that is triggering them.
6.Allow yourself the full experience of the feeling, keeping an open body position. If anger comes up and you want to hit the pillow in front of you, go for it! Or if you want to, scream into it. If there are tears, let yourself cry. Instead of contracting your body and looking down, keep your head up and your chest open, and ride the waves of what you are feeling.
7.Continue tuning in to your Higher Self for words of encouragement. The most important part of releasing a feeling is to have compassion for yourself the entire time you are going through it. Gently say to yourself, “It’s okay. Let that out. You are doing great. Keep going.” Continue riding the waves of your feelings just as you did during a temper tantrum when you were a child.
“I have been allowing myself to feel the loss, the pain, the sadness, and the anger from this Expectation Hangover. I am being patient and gentle with myself, not blaming myself for doing anything wrong or thinking that I could have prevented it. The more I allow myself to just feel, the better I feel.”
— April
8.As you start to feel the intensity of your emotions decreasing, it is important to engage in self-soothing of some kind. You may feel like rocking a bit, putting your arms around yourself, or curling up with your pillow or a stuffed animal.