Expectation Hangover
Page 8
9.Spend some time nurturing yourself and just being with yourself. Then imagine yourself as a surfer safely and gently arriving on a beautiful beach.
10.Take three deep, slow breaths. Put your hand back on your heart and fill yourself with love. Acknowledge yourself for your courage and willingness to work through this exercise.
11.Take some time to reflect on this process in your journal.
BUT I’M NOT ANGRY!
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
— Buddha
Anger. We are all angry. Yes, even you. It is the emotion I find we avoid the most or process the most incorrectly. Anger comes up frequently during an Expectation Hangover, as we often feel blindsided, wronged, or frustrated — so leverage this opportunity to release a powerful emotion! Underneath anger is passion. If you want to feel more passionate about life, you have to feel your anger first. You cannot get to the fiery, passionate part of you without expressing that anger first. Anger is especially important for women to express since, as little girls, we are not really “allowed” to have this emotion. But men have a lot of repressed or misdirected anger as well. The bottom line is that it is crucial for all of us to get it out in a healthy way.
Anger is scary; I get that. But what is more terrifying is keeping it inside, where it can transform into irritability, criticism, judgment, and even illness. Anger is a very active energy, so it will either find a way out in one of those forms or be directed at someone — either ourselves or someone else. I want to emphasize that expressing anger at someone else directly to their face is not a healthy way to release it. Instead, take that anger into a temper tantrum process or release writing, where you can get it out about them but not at them. You can be angry at anyone else, including God, but please don’t ever direct your anger inward. This is a form of self-beating that is not therapeutic. You can be angry about being frustrated with yourself, which isn’t the same as being angry at yourself. For example, telling yourself, “I’m so angry that I’m so hard on myself” or “I hate not being nice to myself” is being angry about something that is upsetting. But telling yourself, “I’m a loser,” “I’m a failure,” or “I’m so mad at myself” is being angry at yourself. See the difference?
Vikki came to one of my workshops with the intention of getting over a breakup with a man who was emotionally unavailable yet whom she still yearned to be with. Vikki told me that she was not angry about anything. That she had forgiven her own and others’ past wrongs and did not feel mad about anything. However, her irritability and attachment to her ex were clues that she was holding on to unprocessed anger. I sensed that there was a tremendous breakthrough available to her if she was willing to actually go to the depths of her raw, real emotions using the temper tantrum technique. I challenged her assertion that she was “over things,” trusting that if she gave herself access to the well of anger inside her, a huge release would be possible. And was it ever!
Thanks to her own courage and the collective energy of all the participants going through the exercise at the same time, Vikki tapped into her anger. She hit, screamed, cried — riding all the waves of her emotions with a rawness that was inspiring. When she had tapped into her unexpressed emotions, a lot of anger toward her father, who had passed away ten years earlier, came up. She cried tears that she had been holding inside for decades. After the exercise, she looked lighter and brighter than ever before. In a meditation shortly after this process, she was visited by her father’s spirit and received a very personal message from him that led to a level of forgiveness she had never experienced before. Her Expectation Hangover about her relationship dissolved because she was able to see it was just a catalyst for facing the emotions she was holding on to regarding her father. This is the power of the temper tantrum technique.
THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY
“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
— Brené Brown
Being raw and real in front of others is another important part of healing your Expectation Hangover on the emotional level. Just as there are times when surfing is a solitary process, there are other times when being part of a surfing community is valuable for support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement. Riding the waves of our emotions alone can get lonely and prevents us from receiving the healing energy of compassion from others. Anything we keep inside because we judge it as dark is transformed the moment we bring it into the light. In moments of vulnerability, where we are being fully authentic by sharing our innermost experience, healing can occur.
JASMINE’S STORY
My twelve-year-old daughter deals with depression, anxiety, and behavioral issues. Many kids don’t understand her, and she has been bullied a lot, despite my attempts to protect her. Because of the shame I felt over (as I saw it) failing as a mother, I gained a lot of weight and withdrew from friendships, as it was too hard to go out and pretend I was happy and had perfect children when it wasn’t the truth. Being honest with myself that I’m not perfect and I don’t have a perfect daughter has been hard, as I’ve always been a perfectionist. I thought of myself as a failure at home, so I put my heart and soul into my job. I would hide my sadness and come to work as though I were an actress and just play the “perfect teacher” role. My friends and family had no idea, and I was living a lie.
Eventually, I couldn’t take the charade anymore, so I let people see my vulnerable side. As scary as it was to drop the facade, it was even more liberating. I began to open up to others and let my feelings show, which made my students, colleagues, friends, and strangers identify with me more. This experience taught me not to worry what my neighbors or other people think of me or my daughter or my parenting skills. My heart has softened by letting people see the real me, and now it is easy for me to see that my daughter has a heart of gold and that I’ll always be her number one fan, no matter what. We are now closer, as I have lowered my expectations of us both, and now she is free to be the quirky, lovable yet anxious, and sometimes sad and vulnerable young lady she is.
Shame often stands as the guard at the gate to vulnerability. The incredibly painful feeling of shame is based on a misunderstanding of a perceived flaw that we believe must stay hidden. The way to get through shame is by stepping into vulnerability and revealing what we are terrified of being “found out” for. We all want to know that we are loved “even if” we have these dark, scary, shameful feelings and thoughts.
Josh is transgendered, meaning he was biologically born a female but felt he was trapped in the wrong body. He was not able to express himself fully, which affected all areas of his life and led to many Expectation Hangovers. He was consistently made fun of and felt ashamed. He settled for less than he wanted or deserved, allowing people to walk all over him. He was surviving, not living. Then came a time when he couldn’t handle it anymore, and he sought professional help. Josh came out to a few friends and got an amazing amount of support. That gave him the courage to come out to family and close friends, where he was met with acceptance and love. Josh says, “I’m practicing self-expression at a new level. I’m learning vulnerability; the importance of living and sharing one’s truth; and how blessed I am to know what it is like to have experienced life in both genders and to be able to share my gifts with others.”
TRANSFORMATIONAL TRUTH
Authenticity over Strategy
To avoid being hurt, we manage the expression of our true feelings so we feel safe. Often we become so attached to what another person will think, say, or do that we become overly strategic rather than being truly authentic. We can discount vulnerability because it just feels too risky. But we cannot truly experience the delicious emotions that a relationship offers if we are not authentic. I invite you to read the word intimacy as “into-me-see.” We create intimacy with others when we allow ourselves to be seen. Vulnerability is our way out of avoiding emotion
for fear of how it will be received.
Exposing our deepest feelings in the presence of another person may seem scary. Where strategy is useful is in choosing whom to share with. It needs to be someone who will not judge you, advise you, or attempt to interrupt your process. This person can be a dear friend, family member, mentor, coach, or counselor who will be able to receive the gift of your vulnerability with compassion. I encourage you to create the context for sharing an authentic conversation by asking if the other person is willing to just listen. You can also request that they do not offer any advice unless you specifically ask for it. Revealing your vulnerability is not about problem solving; it is about exposing and releasing.
As you practice vulnerability with others whom you choose, share from your heart, not your head. Surf whatever emotions arise, by letting yourself cry. Ride waves of anger or frustration by not restraining your voice or editing your words. Tell them the secrets you’ve locked away because you’ve been too ashamed to speak them aloud. Allow yourself to express the range of your emotions — go for full authenticity. Let yourself be messy. Forget about grammar, making sense, or looking pretty while you cry. Be free with your expression. If you feel nervous or ashamed, I suggest expressing it by saying, “I feel ashamed” or “I’m nervous about sharing this.” Remember, the key ingredients of vulnerability are authenticity and intimacy. State what is and let yourself be seen!
Vulnerability is required for us to connect to each other on the deepest level. Think of someone you feel very close to. My guess is that there have been times when you have shared a feeling with that person that felt risky to expose; yet when it was received with love rather than judgment, your relationship got stronger. I have learned that my own vulnerability is a great strength and has largely contributed to my internal healing as well as my external success. When I removed the expectations I had of myself to achieve and began really allowing people to see me — the real me, not the “I’ve got it all together” me — everything in my life began to shift. My relationships became a lot richer because vulnerability is a currency that makes us wealthy in love and connection. The more I get emotionally naked with the people in my life, the closer I feel to them and the more resources I have to turn to when I am feeling the emotional symptoms of an Expectation Hangover.
Vulnerability was what helped me move out of my Expectation Hangover regarding my career. By sharing my own story and exposing my feelings, I have been able to write books and create content that people resonate with. It is a great gift we give to another person when we let them see behind any masks or walls of emotional protection. Moreover, vulnerability is a priceless gift to give to yourself.
“There’s really nothing I wouldn’t share. You’re only as sick as your secrets, and I don’t have any secrets. I’ll talk about anything. I want to be part of the conversation that breaks down shame.”
— Seane Corn
MAKE A DATE WITH YOUR FEELINGS
Since feelings sometimes come up at inconvenient times, like in the middle of your workday or when other people are around, you may not always be able to address them immediately. Yet you need a way to respond to them that does not perpetuate suppression and avoidance. And I have a great way for you to do that: you get to make a date with your feelings! When you experience a negative feeling, instead of attempting to ignore it or make it go away, simply acknowledge it in the moment. You do this by inwardly saying to the feeling, “Hello [insert whatever feeling is present]. I feel, acknowledge, and honor your presence. I know you have an important message for me, and I commit to dealing with you at [insert a time you know you will be alone and available to fully feel your feeling].”
Do not flake out on your date with your feelings! Keeping your word with yourself is an important part of building self-trust; and self-trust is an integral part of feeling confident in your ability to move through the emotional level of an Expectation Hangover. Our feelings have feelings. I know that may sound strange, but it’s true. When our feelings don’t feel they are acknowledged, they end up being recycled and coming back later, snowballing into a more intense feeling, or even manifesting as a health issue, to try and get our attention in another way. So honor them because they always present an opportunity for learning and healing.
CONCLUSION
Whew — what a ride! I understand that surfing the waves of your emotions is not exactly comfortable or easy, so I truly applaud you for being willing to dive in. You now have some powerful techniques in your toolbox for identifying, expressing, and releasing your feelings. If you find yourself tempted to suppress or avoid, I encourage you to call upon your inner Surfer even if the waves look rough and you think you’d be more comfortable on the beach. Being able to process your emotions is not only integral to treating your Expectation Hangover; it is key to your overall well-being.
E-motion is energy in motion. It needs to move in order to be expressed. If you are feeling overwhelmed about how to change an intense emotional reaction, remember that simply realizing that you have the choice about how to respond to it stops the recycling! Sometimes you just need to write, scream, hit a pillow, sob — with no judgment or analysis — or have a big laugh about it! Give yourself permission to have an adult temper tantrum. You can also express your emotions by moving your body through exercising or dancing (my favorite!). Or take that emotional energy and channel it into something creative, like painting, cooking, or writing. We all have feelings, and they need a forum for expression. And the more you surf the waves of your emotions, the more skilled at it you become. Soon the waves will not feel so big or scary.
“When you feel your emotions, you begin discovering what is truly important to you. When you honor what is important to you, you begin to live authentically.”
— Marianne Williamson
Chapter Seven
THE MENTAL LEVEL
“Thought. It’s at the heart of everything we experience, from monsters to angels and from problems to possibilities. And since we have an infinite potential for new thought, we’re only ever one new thought away from a completely different experience of being alive.”
— Michael Neill
Think about the thoughts you have during an Expectation Hangover. Are they positive, uplifting, and calming? Do they keep you in the present moment? Are you able to direct them and quiet them? Are they kind, empowering, and supportive? The answer to these questions is most likely no. Our mind either takes us to a past we want to change or to a future we are worried about. And it can be challenging, or seemingly impossible, to redirect our mind.
Your experience directly follows your thoughts; therefore your mind can be your best ally or your worst enemy. Our brain is actually more wired for negativity because thousands of years ago, our focus was primarily on survival and our minds needed to anticipate bad things that could happen. Even though we have evolved beyond a primary focus on survival, our mind defaults to negative when an Expectation Hangover comes along and we feel uncertainty. However, it is possible to rewire our brains in a way that produces a higher ratio of life-affirming thoughts to negative ones. Even though things may feel out of your control during an Expectation Hangover, your thoughts are something you actually do have dominion over. But this is easy to forget because during an Expectation Hangover, a lot feels out of control.
Not knowing feels even scarier when everything you thought was true does not feel true anymore. To get the certainty we crave, our mind takes over, but not necessarily in a good way: We obsess over what did or didn’t happen, constantly tuning in to the same mental frequencies of “shoulda, coulda, woulda.” We judge ourselves and engage in negative self-talk. We engage in thinking that creates guilt, regret, fear, anxiety, and worry. We perpetuate limiting beliefs because we are not sure what is true. These mental gymnastics are exhausting, and you can move beyond them! This chapter focuses on how to think in a way that alleviates suffering on the mental level during an Expectation Hangover.
YOUR STORY
— Tony Robbins
All Expectation Hangovers come from having expectations, and where are expectations created? That’s right — in your mind! Thanks to your suffering, you now have the willingness to reprogram your mind and release expectations, but first you need to understand how it got programmed. The vast majority of what and how we think is based on a story we have about ourselves, others, and how life works. We began to construct this story at a young age, based on things we saw, heard, or experienced. We formed judgments about what happened, and then those judgments created clusters of thoughts. The thoughts then created a belief system containing expectations about ourselves, others, and life in general. Over the years, I have heard some pretty atrocious stories that people honestly believe about themselves: “I am too damaged for a man to want me.” “I am a wreck in relationships.” “I’m just not good.” “I fail at most things, and I have the résumé to prove it.” “I don’t think I really deserve money.” “I have to work really hard to get anything I desire.” “Everyone else is better than me.” And that is just a small sampling.
Our story becomes the lens through which we start to see everything in our life, and we tend to attract circumstances that fit with our story — even if we don’t consciously want them — because we expect them. You’ll notice that many of the Expectation Hangovers you are experiencing fit perfectly with your story. For example, if you were teased, you probably created a story about being “less than” (this was a big part of my own story), and your Expectation Hangover may have something to do with being rejected or feeling separate. If you were abandoned, you likely have a story about being unlovable, and your Expectation Hangovers may have to do with heartache or someone leaving. If you were poor, you possibly have a story about being undeserving, and your Expectation Hangovers may have to do with challenges in generating abundance in your life in the areas of money, relationships, career opportunities, and/or health. If you have a story about being a victim, you may find yourself in a variety of Expectation Hangovers that you judge as unfair or that make you feel you were wronged. The beliefs that make up our story become the operating system that determines the way we think and, consequently, what we tend to attract and experience in our lives.