Expectation Hangover

by Christine Hassler

“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.”

  — Jon Stewart

  Now that you have identified what has been keeping you trapped in your Expectation Hangovers, the next step is to redirect your attention to what you want to move toward so you can get unstuck. Our values are different from our superpowers: our values are things we want to develop and cultivate more of; our superpowers are intrinsic qualities that are already there and simply must be expressed. If you are not clear about your core values, you are more likely to be driven by expectations. When we replace expectations with values, we discover tremendous inspiration and enthusiasm to behave in accordance with them. When you know unequivocally what you value most, it gets easier to know what choices to make and actions to take so that your life becomes a reflection of the things that are most important to you.

  COURTNEY’S STORY

  I always knew I was going to grad school to get a master’s in marketing research. I did everything possible to make that happen because it was critical to the life I “knew” I wanted. Financial security was important to me, and I wanted to avoid ever having to feel out of control. A plan was comforting. Then it all came crashing down. I was miserable in my program. I decided to quit. It was the scariest and most liberating time of my life. I was in such shock at the “destruction” of my life. I began to reevaluate my life plans, and piece by piece, it eventually clicked. I began to see the discrepancies between who I am and what I value, on the one hand, and what I had planned and pinned myself to achieving, on the other. I began to realize how the work I thought I wanted to do may have saved me from ever having to worry about money but wouldn’t have ever matched up with my core values. So I started to focus solely on my number one value of making a difference and moved toward that. Today I love my job in human resources and do feel that I’m making a difference, which I learned is more valuable to me than a huge paycheck. The biggest takeaway that I had from my Expectation Hangover is that it’s better to be guided by my values than by fear.

  EXERCISE

  Clarifying Your Core Values

  With this exercise, you will create a specific and carefully thought-out list of the core values that govern your goals, and the choices and behaviors that support attaining them.

  1.In your journal make a list of all the values you want to move toward. Write down everything that comes to mind — don’t worry about narrowing it down immediately. When creating your list, remember it is for you. Trust your gut and pick words, phrases, or concepts that feel enlivening, comprehensive, and meaningful to you rather than things you think should be on the list. Think of a person you admire and ponder what their values may be. If a value evokes specific pictures, feelings, and visions that truly resonate with what is most important to you, then you are spot on! To get you started, here is a list of common core values: accountability, adventure, beauty, community, compassion, connection, contribution, creativity, discipline, empathy, excellence, faith, freedom, friendship, fun, independence, integrity, kindness, learning, love, loyalty, meaning, personal growth, respect, self-expression, service, tolerance, trust, truth, wisdom.

  “My Expectation Hangovers have come not from disappointment with a difficult life event, but from a sense of failing myself and others because I’m not paying attention to where I’m headed, what I’m being drawn to, the choices I’m making. Empowering myself to make healthy choices that support my values and not settle for anything less than totally acceptable (in any relationship or situation) will go a long way toward helping me avoid this same pain in the future.”

  — Harrison

  2.Once you’ve completed your list, you’ll start to notice that certain values fit into a larger “big picture” value. For example, some of the items on my value list were family, friends, conversation, and love. I realized that all of these things were components of my number one core value: connection. Values like self-expression, joy, inspiration, and authenticity are part of creativity, and contribution and personal growth are part of service. Narrow your list down to five core values.

  3.After you have identified your core values, display them where you can see them every day. The most successful companies display their core values and create teams, visions, and goals around them. Why don’t we as individuals do the same so we can fully flourish in our own lives?

  Anytime you observe yourself moving away from action because of your avoidance trap, shift your focus to what you want to move toward. I got out of my avoidance trap, which was based on fear of rejection, by focusing on connection, creativity, service, courage, and faith. What do you really want to experience in life? What can you spend more of your time and energy focusing on that will help you create what you want?

  On an energetic level, away from motivation is like being physically pushed and comes with “shoulds” and “have tos.” The energy of toward motivation is like something pulling us closer to what we want and comes with more “choose tos” and “want tos.” Would you rather be pushed by pain or pulled by vision? Which feels better?

  TRANSFORMATIONAL TRUTH

  We Get Do-Overs

  Sometimes we get to the other side of an Expectation Hangover with complete confidence that we’ve learned what we needed to learn to prevent the same kind of hangover, and then we face an almost identical one. What happened?

  You did not fail at your treatment plan. The Universe often delivers a do-over to give us a chance to practice and fully embody healthier responses to Expectation Hangovers.

  When Audrey’s adult daughter Julie got into a relationship with her current boyfriend, Audrey felt she was losing her — physically and emotionally. Julie moved to a different state and dropped out of grad school to be with this man, much to her mother’s disappointment. Audrey worked through her treatment plan and learned that her identity was intertwined with being a mom so much that when she felt left out of her children’s lives, she felt lost and worthless. The blessing that came from her Expectation Hangover was finding her own sense of identity again. But when her other daughter surprised Audrey with the news that she would not be coming home for Christmas, Audrey felt an old, familiar hangover coming on about the expectations she had of her daughters. Thanks to the healthy way Audrey had learned to overcome similar disappointment, she only suffered the symptoms of an Expectation Hangover briefly; she was able to shift her thoughts easily; taking self-nurturing action was virtually effortless; and she was able to discover the lessons in this new hangover. Most important, she was able to accept her daughter’s choice from a loving place rather than hanging on to wishing, hoping, and expecting it to be different.

  Do-overs give us the opportunity to say no to something we may have said yes to in the past. Perhaps you tended to attract romantically unavailable people, only to be left with a huge Expectation Hangover when they did not commit. But then you did the work to move through your Expectation Hangover and are now crystal clear that you are no longer interested in dating unavailable people. All of a sudden, an attractive yet unavailable somebody comes into your life again. This is a chance for you to say no to that person so you can truly experience the lesson and integrate it into your life. Often the only way we can shift an old pattern is to be in a situation where we are experiencing it again but consciously and lovingly choose to respond differently. Welcome and embrace the do-overs!

  Value-Inspired Action

  “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

  — Lao-tzu

  Now it is time to put all your theories together by committing to at least three value-aligned action steps to treat your Expectation Hangover. A value-aligned action step is one in which you are expressing your superpowers and cultivating your core values. It is imperative you do at least three things. Why three? Three is a powerful number because it is the first number that can form a plane (think of the three points of a triangle) and help a concept materialize. It signifies conception and manifestation; t
hree has been called the most royal number, as it is solid, real, substantial, complete, and entire. Using the number three as symbolic of bringing your thoughts into form, synthesize everything you have learned so far by committing to three action steps.

  Our superpowers give us momentum and allow us to fuel ourselves from a place of abundance; our core values give us the direction to move toward and help us get unstuck on the behavioral level. For instance, if one of your superpowers is creativity and a core value that you would like to cultivate is self-expression, possible action steps could be to paint for at least thirty minutes a day, sing every morning, or submit your manuscript to an agent. If your superpower is love and a value you’d like to move toward is connection, possible action steps could be calling a loved one each day, writing letters of gratitude to friends, or committing to going to at least one networking event per month with like-minded people. If your superpower is compassion and a value you want to move toward is empowerment, possible action steps could include setting boundaries with others as an act of self-care, treating yourself to a massage, or saying at least one kind thing to yourself out loud every day. Or if your superpower is intelligence and a value you’d like to move toward is success, possible action steps may be updating your résumé, requesting informational interviews with individuals who are successful in a way you admire, or setting a time to have a conversation with a mentor or supervisor.

  EXERCISE

  Commitment Contract and Accountability Partner

  A clear, specific commitment to your action steps is much more powerful than an expectation to achieve them. It’s important that your focus be on making choices, based on your superpowers, that move you toward the values you want to cultivate. Your focus needs to be on taking the action, not an expectation of a particular outcome. Create a commitment contract with yourself right now that lists at least three action steps you will take that come from a place of inspiration. Make it official by printing the contract on a thick embossed-style paper (the kind diplomas are printed on) and design some kind of personal seal or graphic. Type out each commitment and begin each one with “I, [your name], commit to [your action step].” Sign and date your contract. Display it where you can see it. Be proud of your commitments!

  You will be even more successful in honoring your commitments if you have an accountability partner. That person could be a coach, friend, or colleague. Choose someone you feel comfortable confiding in and who would not tolerate any excuses about why you did not keep your word to yourself. Share with them what your commitments are and when you plan to take an action step. Ask them to follow up with you on that date. Invite your partner to play along by offering to be an accountability partner back to him or her. Friends who play together in accountability stay together in integrity! If you do end up not following through on a commitment, do not go into resignation or self-criticism. Simply renegotiate your agreement with yourself by recommitting to a step. For instance, if you did not submit the five résumés you committed to submit by Friday, renegotiate with yourself and recommit to submitting them by the following Wednesday.

  Feeling Overwhelmed and Procrastinating

  “You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.”

  — Lisa Kleypas

  You are probably going to feel a lot of inspiration and momentum regarding your action steps. But just in case you come up against the common roadblocks of feeling overwhelmed and procrastinating, I want to offer you ways to get through them.

  We feel overwhelmed when we have a big or distant vision of something without knowing the steps to take to get there. Instead of moving into our proactive Scientist mode, we become paralyzed by having too much to do, and we feel incompetent or incapable of doing it. It’s great to have a long-term vision, but if you are looking too far ahead, it is natural to feel overwhelmed because your brain is trying to process all the steps you have to take to get there. Imagine standing at the bottom of the staircase, staring up at the second floor and contemplating how you are going to get there. Rather than taking a running leap to see how many steps you can skip, and possibly twisting your ankle, you need to go step-by-step. The second you shift your focus from the destination (the second floor) to the first step in front of you, the feeling of being overwhelmed will disappear. Ask yourself, “What is one step I can take that is aligned with my long-term vision?”

  “I released the need to control every little detail of my life. It’s much easier this way — having vision and taking one step toward it each day. I know where I want to end up, even though I do not know exactly how I will get there. I’m trusting the process.”

  — Paul

  You may be thinking, “But I don’t know what my long-term vision is!” That’s okay because all you need to know are the core values you want to experience. For instance, you may not know what career you want but know the type of things you’d like to be experiencing in your job. So if creativity and collaborating with others are values, take an action step today that puts you in the energetic experience of being creative and collaborative, such as enrolling in improv classes or joining a volunteer committee. You do not have to figure everything out all at once — just take the first step.

  When you find yourself up against the roadblock of procrastination, it is because your focus is too short term. By only looking at the steps that are necessary to take, you have lost touch with your why. Most of our heartfelt desires require some degree of effort that is not particularity fun, so we procrastinate. Not all value-aligned action steps are necessarily enjoyable; however, the underlying reason for taking them is what makes them aligned with our values. Shift your vision beyond the task at hand to why you are ultimately doing the task. Use Horseback Rider Rx to redirect your thoughts toward a positive future fantasy that inspires you. Instead of telling yourself you have to do something, tell yourself you choose to, get to, or want to do it because it is a step toward your core values and dreams.

  For instance, if a core value is abundance and a dream is to travel, a value-aligned action step may be to create a budget. You may be putting off sitting in front of a computer and getting a reality check on your finances, but if you see that choosing to create a budget is ultimately moving you a step closer to something you really want, you will be more motivated to do it. Attuning to your why moves you from the seemingly mundane to the ultimately rewarding. Every big idea began with one small step, and every big shot started out as a little shot.

  “Vision is a destination — a fixed point to which we focus all effort. Strategy is a route — an adaptable path to get us where we want to go.”

  — Simon Sinek

  CONCLUSION

  Epiphanies are priceless, yet wasted if not supported by action. Awareness plus action equals change. You are a cocreator with the Universe. In order to create the experiences you desire, you have to take a step in the direction you want to go. Ascension requires momentum. So unless you are going to be a monk and meditate on a mountaintop all day long, becoming passive and allowing all things to happen organically is not an option.

  Stepping out of our comfort zone by taking new actions becomes more natural when we modify what is driving our behavior. Action that is inspired by a clear sense of who we are and by intentions that are in alignment with what we truly want may feel scary, but in an exciting rather than a paralyzing way. Remember: inspiration is the key to changing on the behavioral level. Without it, disappointment remains challenging and cumbersome to navigate.

  Please don’t lie to yourself and say, “But I don’t know what to do.” That’s just not true. You are creative, wise, and completely capable of knowing something you can do right now to move yourself in the direction of your dreams. It may feel uncomfortable or scary at first, but that’s great news because it means you are moving out of your comfort zone. Trust me, going for what you want and not getting it is wiser than neve
r going for it at all. If you never go for it, you’ll never know if you could have gotten it. If the result is another Expectation Hangover, so what? Now you are far more able to treat it. Chase your pleasure.

  “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

  — Dale Carnegie

  Chapter Nine

  THE SPIRITUAL LEVEL

  “Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.”

  — Valery Satterwhite

  From a spiritual perspective there is no such thing as disappointment. What we call disappointment, Spirit sees as opportunities for learning. While I would have loved to simply skip to this chapter and tell you there is really no such thing as disappointment, that would be a spiritual bypass. I’d be doing you a huge disservice because we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and disappointment feels unequivocally real. There is tremendous value in first working through our emotions, thoughts, and actions as they relate to Expectation Hangovers because then we are more open to moving into the profound shifts that occur on a spiritual level.

  When I say “spiritual,” I am not referring to any specific religion or doctrine, and I do not expect you to take on everything in this chapter. Your spirituality is sacred to you, and I respect that. At the very least, I invite you to try on the belief that there is an infinite loving force you are connected to, which you may call God, Lord, Spirit, Divine, Oneness, or even Nature, and that this Higher Power loves you very much. If you are like me, your Expectation Hangover may have been the very thing that has opened or is opening your heart to developing a deeper spiritual life.