Expectation Hangover

by Christine Hassler

  QUICK FIX 7: GORGE ON GRATITUDE

  “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

  — Cicero

  If you consume lots of gratitude in your life, you will be too full for disappointment. Being grateful for the pleasant blessings in life is easy, but can you extend appreciation to things that may not be so pleasant, such as your Expectation Hangovers? We become spiritual warriors when we are truly grateful for the circumstances, situations, and people that are challenging. Can you be excited the next time disappointment comes your way and actually grateful for the breakthrough and transformation that await you?

  Every night before I go to bed, I write a list of things that happened that day and that I am particularly grateful for. Things like a great parking spot, magical moments of serendipity, a fabulous meal, or a laugh with a friend. I also document disappointments, from mini to major, and express my appreciation for growth opportunities. Even if I don’t necessarily like what happened, I have gratitude for my ability to choose how to respond to it.

  “After my daughter’s massive car accident and multiple surgeries, I sold my million-dollar home and downsized to a simple duplex. I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal. Enjoy your friends and family and spend time with those you love while you can. Be happy and content with what you have, always, and don’t constantly look for the next thing. Remember that success is not about the money, the house, the car, the trips and travel and diamonds; it is about how you live.”

  — Denise

  I encourage you to be grateful for all the times you did not get what you wanted or what you expected. Trust me, if things were supposed to go differently, they would have.

  Be grateful for all the people who you have felt hurt you. Each has gifted you with an opportunity to forgive and to choose love over blame.

  Be grateful for any financial challenges you may be facing and focus on how you are abundant in many other ways. Money does not define you. You are full of earning potential.

  Be grateful for the questions in your life and find peace in the unknown. We are not supposed to have it all figured out all the time. Really.

  Be grateful for the exact size and shape of your body. Stop making such a big deal over how it looks and start using it to play, create, and move more. I recommend dancing. A lot.

  Be grateful for all your losses. Instead of living in the past, feel your grief, and say good-bye to the past and hello to all the wonderfulness that is surrounding you right now.

  Be grateful for any health condition you have. See it as a messenger with important and incredibly unique lessons that you get to discover.

  Be grateful for all the choices you have made. No more “shoulda, coulda, woulda” thinking. You cannot mess up your destiny. I promise.

  Be grateful for all your past, present, and future Expectation Hangovers. Welcome them with open arms, resting in the knowledge that the Surfer, Horseback Rider, Scientist, and Seeker are always there to support and guide you.

  “I say thank you for everything. Great food, warm shower, comfy clothes, wonderful smells…everything! When my feet hit the floor in the morning, I say thank you for each foot. I have always been in such a rush in life. My Expectation Hangover taught me to slow down and not only smell the air, but be grateful for each breath.”

  — Sherri

  Be grateful for everything and reflect on it daily. I’m sure you’ve heard the suggestion of keeping a gratitude list. But are you actually doing it? Buy yourself a special gratitude journal and each night write down the things from that day you are grateful for. Be sure not to just include the “good stuff.” Use the Horseback Rider to reframe your perception and the Seeker to identify the lessons and blessings. Set the intention to write down at least three things per day, and go from there. Dozing off with appreciation in your heart will positively impact your quality of sleep and the state you wake up in. So get yourself a journal and cuddle up with gratitude.

  Go ahead and gorge on gratitude — it’s good for you!

  “Stop thinking of gratitude as a by-product of your circumstances and start thinking of it as a worldview.”

  — Bryan Robles

  Put these preventive quick fixes in your pocket and stop engaging in coping strategies that do not work. If you feel an Expectation Hangover coming on, use the Surfer to ride any waves of emotion that may come up, and this time with far more confidence because the waves are no longer unfamiliar and you know that you have safely gotten to the beach before. The Horseback Rider will assist you in whoaing your inner critic and redirecting your beliefs about how your goals are (or are not) taking shape. The Scientist will support you in self-care and help you align your behaviors with what inspires you. The Seeker will help you use everything for your growth and spiritual development, holding your hand when leaps of faith and surrender are required.

  CONCLUSION

  Creating a life we love from the inside out is not just a possibility; it is our responsibility. It begins by responding to what happens in life in a way that creates ultimate fulfillment and an overflow of love. You are now ready to step out of being a victim of your circumstances and begin creating new ones. You have tools to cure your hangover symptoms and move forward in life in a way that is more aligned with who you truly are rather than relying on expectations as your compass.

  The ultimate outcome of overcoming an Expectation Hangover is the experience of freedom unconstrained by any external circumstances — a freedom in which you know you have choice in every moment. Fully accepting your spiritual curriculum creates liberation. We begin living in natural harmony and union with the Divine will so that we can not only overcome disappointment, but be grateful for the gifts it brings.

  LAUREL’S STORY

  In my early twenties I married my best friend and soul mate. We would often look at each other and speak of how lucky we were to have found each other so young. Four and a half years after we married, he died. Becoming a widow at age twenty-seven has been the most intense Expectation Hangover I have experienced. Like any other newlywed, I expected that my twenties would be the most amazing time of my life, and they actually were until the morning of September 3, 1998, when I found out that he had died on a nighttime training mission in his helicopter, along with eleven other men. My entire existence shifted in that moment. All my expectations of marriage, children, traveling together, growing old, having his unconditional love for the rest of my life — all those expectations were shattered. Nothing in my life seemed to make sense without him and us as a reference point. I never even had the chance to say good-bye.

  I was devastated, confused, suicidal, depressed, angry, and lonely. I spent most of my time numbing my pain by distracting myself with movies, TV, hanging out with friends, and sleeping — a lot! I withdrew and isolated myself. I stopped working as a nurse for two years and basically moped around trying to pretend that I was handling my life like any other well-adjusted widow. I would often dream of Gregg and felt happy and excited when I would see him or talk to him in a dream. In the years of grieving following his death, I drank alcohol as an escape, saw every movie that came to the local theater, and had random sexual encounters. I didn’t know consciously at the time what I was doing; I was just doing the best I could to manage the pain and sense of loss of connection. The hardest part was feeling as if I were the only person in the world who was feeling the way I was feeling. I felt like a freakish young widow. I couldn’t relate to anyone.

  It took me a long time to develop healthy coping strategies that served me in the long term. Walking with my dog was always a very good daily practice. Connecting with nature helped me feel good and kept my body healthy. My mental state was an entirely different issue. I read some books and traveled and talked with friends and family and wrote, but nothing shifted my big issues until I learned tools like reframing and shifting limiting beliefs. I also improved my habits of eating fast food and drinking, by making better choices and implement
ing several thirty-day processes of abstaining from alcohol, fast food, and casual sex. These coping strategies were about not just external improvement, but also diving deep into my own consciousness and awareness about past hurts, self-defeating talk, low self-esteem, and issues of unworthiness and fear of abandonment. Perhaps the most powerful tool was forgiveness. Forgiving him for dying, forgiving God for taking him from me, and forgiving myself for all the judgments I had made of myself as a young widow.

  This process was gradual and time consuming, and involved my complete attention and willingness to change. I worked every level, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. Today I am committed to making self-honoring choices and cultivating the most unique and precious relationship I have ever had in my entire life: my relationship with myself. I learned that life is precious and that we live in a world of paradox. That although we are special, unique, and valuable, we are only contributing our small part to the whole. That life is short, but often the day is long. That in knowing myself and trusting myself and being able to rely on myself, I can handle any future event with grace, compassion, and loving awareness. I may not like it, but I have the tools to cope now.

  The greatest blessing of my Expectation Hangover is that I now know myself more intimately than I ever could have imagined. I would not have gone on this quest for healing had I not felt broken and in despair. I also have the gift of perspective. Perspective helps me understand how to function at a high level in my day-to-day life and keeps me from honking my horn in LA traffic or being snide to a rude waiter, and in gratitude for the blessings of good health, the ability to go for walks, great food, clean water, and a reliable car. Whenever I feel mired in my own drama or story, I reach out to see who is close by that I can help. How can I be of service? Focusing my energy on using my gifts to help others, and giving freely without concern for what I get in return, is how I prevent Expectation Hangovers. Today, at forty-two, I’ve never remarried, but I remain open to it and grateful that I had the love that I did share with Gregg — even if it did not last forever. Losing the love of my life helped me to rediscover the love that is inside me. It’s a beautiful life.

  The consciousness of our planet is shifting. People are waking up. You are waking up, and you can thank your Expectation Hangover for the wake-up call. The ability to adapt to new life situations is essential if we are going to successfully respond to the call for change and evolution.

  It is the unexpected that truly changes our lives, so stop clinging so hard to your expectations. Open your eyes and heart. Let go of your fear and desire to control. Ditch your plans. Release your expectations. Be ready to be blown away by sensational surprises. And remember that a wonderful gift is always wrapped inside your Expectation Hangover.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I am incredibly blessed to have so many people in my life who have been there for me during my own Expectation Hangovers. To my family, thank you for your unconditional love and support. To all my soul friends, thank you for making me laugh and reminding me who I am when I forget. To all my teachers, thank you for guiding me through the dark times and giving me the tools to navigate my journey with grace. To my spiritual community of USM and MSIA, thank you for being an anchor and holding a container for my growth. To my colleagues and peers, thank you for adding value to this book with your endorsements. To all my clients, readers, story contributors, and workshop participants, thank you for sharing so vulnerably and giving me the opportunity to learn from you as you learn from me.

  I’d like to express my deepest gratitude to the many people who have helped make this book possible. To my agent, Michele Martin, thank you for your passion and patience with the process (and me). I could not have done this without your partnership. To Lissa Rankin, for your friendship and for writing such a beautiful and heartfelt foreword. To everyone at New World Library, I am so proud to be publishing my third book with such a supportive and collaborative group of people. Thank you for joining me on my mission to reframe disappointment. To my personal team of angels who worked with me in putting this book together and took care of me in ways that enabled me to write it: Jill, Angela, Lauren, and Julie.

  And to you, the reader, thank you for being willing to step through the transformational doorways that disappointment offers. Your courage to navigate your Expectation Hangovers inspires me.

  Finally, I would like to dedicate this book to my very first teacher, Mona Miller, who left this earth way before I was ready for her to go. Mona dedicated her life to helping others live in truth and love. I am eternally grateful, and her profound work lives through me.

  Love and Light,

  Christine

  NOTES

  Page 51, “the application of Loving”: H. Ronald Hulnick and Mary R. Hulnick, Loyalty to Your Soul: The Heart of Spiritual Psychology (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2011), 174.

  Page 77, called self-directed neuroplasticity: Rick Hanson, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2009).

  Page 91, “We say all the time in teaching”: “A Conversation with Meditation Teacher and Co-founder of Insight Meditation Society: Sharon Salzberg,” Origin Magazine, accessed March 24, 2014, www.originmagazine.com/2013/08/04/a-conversation-with-meditation-teacher-and-co-founder-of-insight-meditation-society-sharon-salzberg/.

  Page 102, 5 to 10 percent of what most of us do: Jorn Horstman, behavioral scientist at Dijksterhuis & Van Baaren (D&B).

  Page 199, in her book Get It Done: Sam Bennett, Get It Done: From Procrastination to Creative Genius in 15 Minutes a Day (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2014).

  INDEX

  acceptance, 30–32, 179, 192–94

  accountability, 135

  Accountability Partner (exercise), 138–39

  action

  awareness without, 101–2, 140

  compulsive (addictions), 108–9

  during Expectation Hangover, 104–6

  fear-based, release of, 145

  habits and, 36

  importance of, 140–41

  roadblocks to, 139–40

  value-inspired, 137–38

  See also Scientist Rx (behavioral-level treatment plan)

  addictions, 108–9

  adventure, 135

  Agape Love, 145, 152

  “aha moments,” 101, 169

  Alameddine, Rabih, 72

  alcohol, 22, 104, 112, 204–5

  alcoholism, 156

  Ali, Muhammad, 197

  American Dream, 146

  Angelou, Maya, 86

  anger, 46, 62–63, 147, 158–59

  Answering Your What-Ifs (exercise), 94–95

  anxiety, 70, 84, 90–91, 116–17

  approval seeker (compensatory strategy type), 122–23, 128

  assumptions, 81

  attachment, 185–87

  attraction, law of, 71–72

  Austen, Jane, 168

  authenticity, 65–66, 126–27

  avoidance strategies, 21–26, 44, 204

  avoidance traps, 131–33

  awareness, 27–29, 101–3, 140, 205

  Bacon, Francis, 11

  balance, 35

  Ball, Lucille, 157

  beauty, 135

  Beckwith, Michael, 117

  behavior. See action

  behavioral-level treatment plan. See Scientist Rx (behavioral-level treatment plan)

  Bell, Alexander Graham, 8

  Bennett, Sam, 199

  blame, 155

  body, listening to, 107–8, 111–13

  brain

  rewiring, 76–78

  right vs. left, 48

  breathing, deep, 91

  Brieske, Tim, 44

  Brown, Brené, 64

  Brown, H. Jackson, Jr., 175

  Buddha, 62, 99

  Budig, Kathryn, 194

  busy bee (compensatory strategy type), 124

  caffeine, 104–5, 107

  caretaker (compensatory strategy type), 123


  Carlson, Richard, 185

  Carnegie, Dale, 141

  Cayce, Edgar, 150

  chameleon (compensatory strategy type), 122

  changing others, stopping attempts at (quick fix 3), 192–94

  chaos, 179

  childbirth, Expectation Hangovers due to, 31–32

  children, 50

  Christie, Agatha, 3

  Cicero, 200

  Claiming Your Superpowers (exercise), 127

  Clarifying Your Core Values (exercise), 134–35

  Coelho, Paulo, 178–79

  Collecting Data and Formulating Your Hypotheses (exercise), 114–15

  comedian (compensatory strategy type), 123

  comfort zones, 15–16, 40, 184

  Commitment Contract (exercise), 138–39

  community, 135

  comparisons, 128, 194–97

  compassion, 51–53, 126–27, 135, 159

  See also self-compassion

  compensatory strategies

  author’s experience, 118–19

  cost of, 121

  development/operation of, 118

  payoffs of, 120–21

  researching (exercise), 125

  superpowers and, 128–29

  types of, 121–24

  Connecting to the Present Moment (visualization), 92–93

  Connecting to Yourself as a Spiritual Being (visualization), 150–52

  Connecting with Your Own Compassion (visualization), 52–53

  connection, 135

  consciousness, evolving in, 145

  contentment, inner, 152–54

  contribution, 135

  control, 13–15, 31–32, 132