The Undercover Mother_A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about love, friendship and parenting

by Emma Robinson

  Not every dad is up to the task. Mr Sporty is a little wet for me, but no one can argue that he isn’t a good dad. According to Posh, Mr Posh is only on his own with Baby Posh when she goes to the toilet, and he wouldn’t know one end of a tube of Sudocrem from the other. As for Mr Scary… WE STILL DON’T KNOW!...

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  Leaving the restaurant, Jenny checked her mobile. A text from Dan: Henry was asleep.

  Grateful for an excuse to avoid the strained small-talk after Antonia’s revelation, and eager to see what had happened on the boys’ night in, she hung back a little from the others and called him.

  ‘How was it?’

  ‘Fabulous,’ said Dan. ‘We painted each other’s toenails, watched a brom-com and ate Ryvita covered in a variety of toppings.’

  ‘Very amusing.’ Jenny kept an eye on the others. Antonia and Ruth seemed to be chatting quite amiably now. Gail was striding ahead whilst Naomi tried to keep up with her. ‘Did the afternoon at Geoff’s go well? Was it better than you expected?’

  It had been quite a surprise to Jenny when Geoff had invited the men over. But she’d been almost as surprised when she’d found out Antonia had been the one behind it. At the time, Antonia had winked and said, ‘That way he won’t be able to slink out and leave Jess with the nanny.’ Now Jenny was wondering if there had been another reason.

  She could almost hear Dan shrug at the other end. ‘It was fine. A little dull but fine.’

  As usual, she was going to have to pull the information out of him. ‘Did you get any gossip for me?’

  Dan groaned. ‘Oh, no, I knew I should have recorded the whole thing. Is it not bad enough that you forced me to go and spend half a day with three men I barely know, but now you want me to give you a full summary of the afternoon’s proceedings?’

  Jenny was surprised he would even ask; of course that was what she was expecting. ‘Was the nanny there?’

  Dan sounded surprised. ‘Emily? Yes, Geoff wanted the poor girl to watch all the babies whilst we cracked open a few bottles, but we managed to persuade him that we needed to stay sober to take them home. She seemed like a nice girl.’

  Jenny bristled; she wasn’t the jealous type ordinarily, but this one was clearly a man-eater. ‘How nice?’

  ‘What do you mean, “How nice”? Just normal nice.’

  Jenny didn’t rate her husband’s assessment. What kind of ‘nice girl’ would sleep with someone’s husband? And one who had a young baby. ‘Did you notice anything about her behaviour towards Geoff?’

  ‘Did I notice what? Oh, I see, has Antonia told you to ask? She doesn’t seem the jealous type. No. I didn’t notice anything. To be honest, we hardly saw her. She was looking after the babies whilst we drank tea, listened to Geoff and tried to gauge how early we could leave without getting into trouble with our wives.’

  Jenny realised it was pointless expecting Dan to have picked up on any kind of non-verbal communication between the two of them. Geoff could have had the nanny pinned up against the kitchen cupboards and Dan would have assumed they were looking for the teabags. The man didn’t have a suspicious bone in his body.

  She tried a different tack. ‘What about the others? How did John seem?’

  ‘Fine. A little bit nervous about looking after Daisy on his own. I think Naomi has quite strong ideas about how she likes things done. He had strict instructions about what the baby was and wasn’t allowed to eat, and he’d been told, on pain of death, not to take her to his mother. Obviously, I’m lucky to have a wife who just lets me do my own thing, follow my own instincts…’

  ‘He didn’t mention anything about Naomi, then?’ Jenny interrupted.

  ‘Not to me, no. Although, he and David were out in the kitchen talking for quite a while, which was joyous for me as I was left on my own with Geoff.’

  ‘You don’t like Geoff?’ It surprised Jenny that Dan would have formed an opinion about him. He was usually ambivalent about most people – she could imagine him describing Saddam Hussein as, ‘All right, I suppose’.

  ‘He’s all right, I suppose. Just likes talking about himself rather a lot. I tried to ask him about the work they’d had done on the house, but he didn’t seem to know much about it.’

  Jenny smiled at the thought of her DIY-loving husband assuming that Geoff would have had anything to do with the practical side of his house renovations. ‘And what were John and David talking about?’

  ‘Unfortunately, my spy equipment is on the blink so I wasn’t able to follow their conversation from the other room. However, when I went out to get another drink, they did seem to be in the middle of a deep and meaningful so I didn’t hang around.’

  Interested and irritated in equal measure – how could he not have ‘overheard’ what they were saying?! – Jenny realised this was a fruitless line of questioning. She would have to prise more details out of him tomorrow when she got home. ‘Anyway, how’s my boy doing?’

  ‘I’m fine, thank you, and Henry is fast asleep in bed after half a packet of rusks and a large mug of cocoa.’

  ‘I’m not going to ask if that is a joke or not, as I don’t want the answer. I’m having a nice time, thank you,’ she prompted.

  ‘Oh, good. Just so I know, what is the current situation? Are we still planning on arranged marriages between our children, or are they preparing to send your body parts back to me in individual envelopes?’

  Jenny laughed. ‘Jury is still out on that one.’ She was tempted to give him an update on Naomi and Antonia, but he probably wouldn’t want to know. His complete lack of interest in other people’s lives never failed to astound her.

  ‘Okay, I’ll wait for the verdict with bated breath. So, have I given you everything you need now, officer? Can I go to bed, as your son is likely to be waking me up at 5.30 a.m. tomorrow?’

  ‘You are excused. I need to get back to the others, anyway.’ They were standing outside a busy-looking bar, waiting for her to catch up. ‘Dan?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Could you see yourself ever having an affair?’

  Dan pretended to mull it over. ‘Would I ever have an affair? Hmmm. Does this include the romantic liaison I have been attempting to initiate with the girl behind the counter at Screwfix?’

  Jenny laughed. ‘No. That one’s allowed, as I know that you’re only after her discount card.’

  ‘In that case, no thanks on the affair. Your particular insane, irrational womanhood is more than enough for me. If I ever leave you, it will be for a quiet bedsit, not another woman.’

  She knew he was telling the truth. Any envy she had felt for Antonia’s lifestyle was long gone after the news of Geoff’s affair. Jenny knew she had a good one. ‘Dan?’ she said again.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you, too. We’ll see you tomorrow.’

  Putting her mobile back into her jacket pocket, she sped up to join the others as they entered the bar. The night was marching on and she still hadn’t got the answers to any of her questions, plus now she had Geoff’s affair to think about – would she include that in the column? And why was Gail so annoyed about it? Had it hit a nerve about the mysterious Joe? Maybe Gail thought her announcement that they had split had ended any speculation. But not for Jenny, it hadn’t. She hoped, in Gail’s current mood, it would only need a little prodding to provoke her to reveal all.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  My ‘real-life’ friends are losing patience with me. I’ve turned down multiple nights out because I’m too damn tired and, even on the phone, I cut them off mid-conversation because The Boy has woken up or is gagging on a teething toy he’s trying to push down his throat.

  I don’t even have anything of interest to say. They’ll tell me something hilarious that happened at work or about a hot date they have lined up; all I have in exchange is that day’s episode of Loose Women or the difficulty I’ve had in finding an effective teething gel.
>
  But where does that leave me? I’m running out of interest in hearing about Sporty’s view on cranial osteopathy for babies or Posh’s latest purchase from JoJo Maman Bébé. When we go away for the weekend, we need topics of conversation that don’t revolve around the babies. And there is only one thing to help with that. A lot of alcohol...

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  The bar was busy, but not as heaving as some of those they’d passed, so they decided to take a chance. By the time they’d made their way in, Jenny was dying to go to the toilet. Leaving the others to hunt for a table, she went in search of the Ladies’.

  After the noise of the bar, the ladies’ toilet was surprisingly quiet. As always, Jenny went straight into the first cubicle because she had read an article once which said that the first cubicle in a public toilet was the one that was least used and therefore most likely to be clean. Obviously, this assumed that enough people to cancel out the law of averages hadn’t read the same article. Hovering over the toilet so that her bottom didn’t touch the seat, she read the peeling STD poster on the back of the cubicle door. She’d got as far as ‘gonorrhoea’ when she heard the door open and Gail called, ‘Jenny, are you in here?’

  ‘Yes, won’t be long.’ She flushed the toilet, then tore off another three squares of toilet paper and stuffed them into her handbag. She wasn’t going to get caught out later when people starting peeing after every drink and the bar staff were too busy to replenish the stocks. ‘All yours.’

  She washed her hands thoroughly, following the instructions she had learnt from the posters in the maternity ward toilets. She had got as far as: ‘Wet Hands, Use Soap, Lather’, when she realised Gail was staring at her in the mirror. She looked Gail’s reflection in the eye, pausing for whatever it was that she obviously wanted to say.

  ‘It’s me.’

  Of course it was her. How drunk was she? ‘What is you?’

  Gail looked intently at Jenny’s reflection. She took a deep breath. ‘I am the woman, sorry, one of the women, involved with Geoff.’ She paused and waited for a reaction, but the penny still wasn’t dropping anywhere near Jenny’s wine-addled brain. Gail repeated herself. ‘I have been having an affair with Antonia’s husband.’

  Jenny stopped mid-rinse and continued to stare at Gail in the mirror. She still wasn’t completely sure she had understood her correctly. ‘You’re having an affair with Antonia’s husband?’ Gail nodded. ‘This Antonia?’ Jenny gestured vaguely towards the toilet door. ‘The Antonia you have known for months? Been for coffee with? Swapped birth stories with?’

  ‘Yes. Yes.’ Gail sounded irritated. ‘The same Antonia who just told us that her husband is shagging their nanny. Which, incidentally, was a nice way for me to find out.’

  ‘A nice way for you to…’ Jenny trailed off in disbelief. She must have bumped her head and woken up in the middle of a daytime soap opera. ‘You have to be kidding me, Gail. This has got to be some weird joke of yours.’ She realised she was still staring at Gail’s reflection and turned around to face her. ‘There is no way a normal woman has an affair with a married man – a father – and then goes for a play date with his wife and baby daughter.’

  Gail continued to look at her calmly. Jenny had always prided herself on her ability to read people and situations. She always saw the twist coming in a book or film. But this? This she had not seen coming at all. ‘You’re not joking, are you?’ She searched Gail’s face for a smirk, still sure she must be making this up. There wasn’t one. ‘Why the hell are you telling me this?’

  Gail looked at herself in the mirror. She smoothed down the one hair that was out of place and adjusted her collar. ‘Because I’m going to tell her. I would like your advice. You know her better than I do.’

  Jenny stared at Gail as if she were speaking in a strange accent. She shook her head once in an effort to take everything in. Then she started to shake it again, more slowly this time.

  ‘Oh, no, I don’t want anything to do with this. How do I know her better? We all met on exactly the same day.’

  ‘I met Geoff a long time before that.’

  Jenny could almost feel the cogs of her brain turning. ‘What do you mean, you met…’ Realisation hit. ‘He’s not… tell me he’s not the… Gail, is he?’

  ‘Jake’s father?’ Gail nodded. ‘Yes, he is.’

  ‘And Joe?’

  ‘Is Geoff.’

  Jenny’s hands went to her face. She couldn’t believe how calmly Gail was telling her such explosive information. Indignant on Antonia’s behalf, she began to feel quite angry. ‘What were you thinking, Gail? A married man?’

  Gail shrugged. ‘The firm Geoff works for is a client of ours. I had to work closely with him on an investment portfolio and we got to know each other. At that point, his marriage was on the brink of separation. He and his wife – Antonia – met young and drifted apart. I worked long hours in those days, and it didn’t bother me that we couldn’t see each other often. Then I fell pregnant.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And he told me he was leaving her. He promised.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘But then, as if by magic, Antonia discovered she was pregnant, too.’

  Jenny shook her head slowly. This was a lot to take in. ‘And how did you end up at the same antenatal class?’

  ‘My secretary. She can find out anything. Geoff started to get very vague about when he was going to leave Antonia. She was unwell. Or unstable. Or they had a family event. My secretary called his for a “chat” and she said he’d been moaning about having to attend an antenatal class. She even found out when and where. The look on his face when I walked through the door was worth the effort.’

  Jenny felt a little sick. Gail was so clinically calm, so unrepentant. How could she be telling her all of this without hanging her head in shame? ‘Why would you want to do that?’

  Gail frowned. ‘Why? Think about it, Jenny. If your baby’s father was attending an antenatal group with another woman, wouldn’t you want to be there?’

  ‘But the other woman was – is – his wife,’ Jenny whispered in disbelief. Her mind whirred; the pieces fell into place: the contempt with which Gail treated Antonia and the fact they’d never, ever, met Joe. How had she not seen this? She looked at Gail in amazement; she was obviously very good at keeping secrets. And lying.

  ‘But it’s over? You told us that you’d broken up with Joe… Geoff… Jake’s dad.’

  Gail took a lipstick from her bag and looked in the mirror as she applied it. When she’d finished, she clicked it shut and turned back to Jenny.

  ‘I made that up. It was easier than finding excuses all the time.’ Gail sighed. ‘I wasn’t intending to meet up with you all after the class. Geoff warned me not to, said I would ruin his chance of an easy, quick divorce, that he couldn’t leave her until after the baby was born and Antonia had everything under control. To start with, I kept in touch with you to find out what was going on. But then…’

  ‘Then we became your friends.’ Jenny was fully aware of the irony of this conversation. Hadn’t she done the same thing? Without the extra-marital sex part.

  ‘Before I met Antonia, she was just Geoff’s cold and unloving wife. Now…’

  Jenny almost nodded. She had also dismissed Antonia as a trophy wife when they’d first met. Her clothes, her manicures, her designer sunglasses. But, in the last few months, Jenny had seen another side to Antonia. There was much more to her than posh lunches and spa days. She was funny and generous. And she definitely didn’t deserve this.

  ‘Don’t you think she has a right to know, Jen? I thought you’d be marching me out there immediately to own up.’

  A fair point. If Dan had been having an affair with one of them, Jenny would definitely want to know. Friends were supposed to be honest with each other. She squashed down her own guilty feelings. There was a time and a place for honesty. And it wasn’t tonight.

  ‘But why now, Gail? W
hy this weekend?’

  For the first time, Gail looked embarrassed. ‘Until Antonia’s announcement about the nanny’s knickers, I thought Geoff and I had something special. I thought he had an unhappy marriage and had just happened to fall in love with me. I was frustrated that we weren’t together yet, but I thought that was a sign that he was a decent, caring man. Turns out I was wrong on all counts.’

  There was clearly another side to Gail, too. A stupid one. ‘You really thought he was going to leave his wife one day? Gail, that’s such a cliché.’

  Gail stiffened and her eyes flashed. She started to tap her nails onto her folded arms. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again.

  Jenny softened her tone. ‘I’m sorry. I know tonight’s revelation must make you feel awful, but Antonia has done nothing wrong. Why make her suffer?’

  Her eyes glittering, Gail uncrossed her arms and tucked her hair behind her ears. ‘I meant what I said – don’t you think she has a right to know?’

  Jenny imagined that the last thing Antonia needed was for Gail to reveal all in front of everyone. This was supposed to be a relaxing weekend. She put a hand on Gail’s arm and lowered her voice.

  ‘She already knows that he’s had at least four affairs. Knowing that one of them was you, and about Jake, will only make it more painful for her – and it doesn’t sound like it would change anything. Please think about this.’

  Gail shook her head slowly and her lips tightened into a fine line. After a pause, she raised her head, resolutely. ‘I don’t think I can keep quiet any longer. She has a right to know. And I have a right to tell her. I’m not leaving this weekend without doing it.’

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Hopefully a few glasses of wine will loosen tongues and I can find out what makes these women tick because, although we’ve known each other for months, I don’t feel like I truly know them.