The Undercover Mother_A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about love, friendship and parenting

by Emma Robinson

  Weirdly, I know the important stuff. I’ve heard their fears, seen their boobs and we’ve talked about our vaginas, our toilet habits and how often we have sex with our husbands.

  But I don’t know the frothy stuff, the funny stuff, the ‘Guess what I did when I was sixteen’ stuff. And, if we are going to become proper, ‘real-life’ friends, that’s the kind of information I need to know…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  Music thumped from large speakers at one end of the bar. Laughter and shouted conversations surrounded Jenny as she weaved her way through the crowd. Gail pointed in the direction of a table in one corner, where Ruth and Antonia were deep in conversation. Naomi was nowhere to be seen.

  Antonia looked up and waved at them. ‘We used to have two friends that looked like you.’

  ‘Yes, sorry, there was a… er… a queue.’ Jenny could barely look at her. ‘Does anyone want another drink?’ She was certainly in need of another. A large one.

  ‘Naomi has just gone up to the bar,’ said Ruth. ‘If you catch her, she can add your drinks to the order.’

  Gail put a hand on Jenny’s arm. ‘I’ll go. Vodka and tonic?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ Jenny sat down again and tried to shake off her stupor. Geoff, Antonia’s husband, was the father of Gail’s child. She had wanted revelations, but this one was off the scale. Now it wasn’t just Naomi she was worried about; she had to keep Gail quiet, too. Gail and Antonia must be kept apart; if they weren’t alone, Gail couldn’t tell her. All Jenny had to do was keep the conversation light and away from any topics which might veer into dangerous territory. Act normal, act normal. ‘Have we missed anything?’

  ‘Nothing much. Naomi has been queuing at the bar and Ruth’s giving me a bit of impromptu life coaching.’ As Ruth protested, Antonia patted her hand. ‘Just joking, darling.’

  ‘Tell me to mind my own business,’ said Jenny, ‘but why don’t you just leave him?’

  Antonia shrugged. ‘What would I do? Honestly, Jenny, what would I do? I have never worked in my life – I married Geoff straight out of university and basically supported his career from that point on. I’ve entertained his colleagues, accompanied him on trips, shopped for gifts for his business contacts, but I’ve never had a real job. Quite frankly, I find the prospect of having to get one terrifying. I’m not—’ she raised her finger to stop Ruth from interrupting her—‘playing the society wife, afraid to chip a manicured fingernail. I mean that I am actually terrified.’

  ‘But you have a degree,’ Ruth insisted.

  Antonia pulled a face. ‘In Art History. I’m not sure that qualifies you for a great deal. Anyway, it’s not just the job. It’s everything. Looking after Jess, living on my own. I’m just used to the way things are.’

  Naomi and Gail arrived with the drinks and a tray of shots.

  Gail held up her hands. ‘I couldn’t stop her.’ They pulled over two more seats and sat down.

  ‘The barman gave them to us for free.’ Naomi giggled. ‘I’ve already drunk mine.’

  Already drunk hers? By Jenny’s reckoning, Naomi had had three glasses of wine and now this vile-looking concoction. If she was pregnant, she should not be drinking like that.

  Ruth shook her head. ‘I’ll just be sick if I drink that.’

  Antonia sniffed at her glass and then sipped at it. Jenny took one and downed it, grimacing at its sweet potency. Then she had Ruth’s, too. She needed it.

  Naomi leaned forward eagerly. ‘I’ve had a great idea. Let’s play a game of Truth.’

  Half an hour ago, Jenny would have relished this. What better way to get what she needed. Now, she wasn’t so sure. ‘Aren’t we all a bit old for that?’

  Naomi wasn’t listening. ‘How many pennies have we got between us?’

  Everyone looked into their purses and managed to produce a small pile of coins.

  ‘Okay, take five each. This is what you have to do.’ Naomi took a deep breath. ‘Each person has to say something that they have never done before, such as, erm, such as, “I have never been on a hot air balloon.” Then anyone who has been on a hot air balloon has to put one of her pennies into the middle. The winner is the person that is still left with pennies when everyone else has lost theirs.’

  Jenny tried again to protest, but Antonia and Ruth were already sorting pennies into equal piles. There seemed an inevitability to this. Would they be so keen to take part if they knew what they might find out?

  ‘Okay, who wants to go first?’ This party animal was a new side to Naomi. Maybe breastfeeding had sucked the life out of her up until now. She was like a wind-up toy, newly released. ‘Ruth?’

  ‘Oh, er, okay.’ Ruth thought for a moment. ‘I have never… had anal sex!’

  ‘Hey, that’s cheating! I only told you that tonight – you can’t use it against me!’ Gail cried.

  ‘No, that’s the game!’ Naomi fidgeted in her chair like a small child. ‘We can use anything we know already – that’s why it’s fun. Come on. Money in the pot!’ Gail dropped a penny onto the beer mat in the middle of the table. ‘You can go next if you like?’

  A wicked grin emerged on Gail’s face. ‘I have never had to have a tampon surgically removed.’ She looked triumphantly at Jenny.

  ‘You cow – I told you that in strictest confidence,’ protested Jenny, as she plopped a penny onto the mat. It had come out during a phone conversation, discussing periods and whether they’d restarted. Motherhood gave rise to some scintillating subjects.

  ‘Ouch.’ Antonia grimaced.

  ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds. I was only fourteen and the string broke. My doctor had to get it out with forceps.’

  ‘Ouch again.’ Antonia crossed her legs. ‘Thank God I didn’t have to go through any of that business with Jess.’

  ‘Jenny, your turn.’ Naomi was enjoying her role of playmaker.

  ‘Well, even though I’d love to get my own back on Gail, I’m afraid I don’t have any more inside info.’ Jenny faltered as she realised what a huge lie she had just told. ‘I’m going to have to take a stab in the dark. I have never slept with someone on a first date.’

  All four women looked at each other guiltily and then, one by one, they put a penny in the middle. Jenny put her hands to her mouth in mock shock.

  ‘I doubt very much any of our one-night stands were much to write home about.’ Ruth pulled a being-sick face. ‘Mine was a waiter in Majorca.’

  Antonia raised her glass. ‘A spotty history student during freshers’ week.’

  Naomi giggled and brought hers up to join Antonia’s. ‘My brother’s best friend on a Scouts’ camping trip.’

  Gail downed her drink and slammed her glass down on the table. ‘A slimy lawyer two months ago!’

  Everyone collapsed into laughter. Either the wine and shots were starting to have an effect, or Jenny was feeling another glow of warmth towards these women. Maybe this game was a good idea after all. They should keep it going.

  ‘Whose turn is it next? Antonia?’

  Antonia rolled her glass between her hands as she thought about it. ‘This is more difficult than you think.’

  ‘Is that because there’s very little you haven’t done?’ asked Ruth, cheekily.

  Antonia laughed. ‘Okay, I’ll have to do a boring one. I have never lied to my parents.’

  ‘What, never?’ Naomi was incredulous. ‘I might as well put all my money in on that one.’

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ scoffed Gail. ‘I’m really close to my mum and even I’ve told a few white lies over the years. What about when you were a teenager? Never got drunk and then got a friend to call your parents with an excuse?’

  ‘Nope.’ Antonia shook her head. ‘I have never lied to them.’

  Gail wouldn’t let it go. ‘Not telling them things, that counts as a lie. Have you told them about Geoff’s shenanigans?’

  Jenny sucked in air. Please don’t do this.

  Antonia didn’t falter
. ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.’

  ‘What?’ Gail was incredulous again. ‘You’ve told them and they haven’t told you to get the hell out of there?’

  Antonia sipped her drink. ‘I told my mother. She… understood.’

  The table went quiet and Jenny frantically tried to think of something to say: a funny question to ask or a story to tell. Not only because she didn’t like the silence, but because she didn’t want Gail to find a window for her own revelation.

  Then Naomi took a deep breath and shared one of her own. ‘Well, I haven’t told my parents that I’m pregnant again and that I’m devastated about it.’

  If the table was quiet before, it was in a vacuum of silence now. No one seemed to know what the appropriate response should be. Jenny focused on not looking anywhere near Ruth. She had been so preoccupied with Gail that she had forgotten to worry about Naomi. Why hadn’t she kept her mouth shut? What was Ruth thinking?

  Ruth was the first to react. She became very red in the face and levelled a steely gaze in Naomi’s direction. ‘You’re pregnant again already? Was it planned?’

  Naomi looked uncomfortable. ‘No. Not planned.’

  Ruth picked up her glass and took a long drink.

  Naomi sat up straight, fiddling with the neckline of her dress as if it was too tight for her. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know why that came out. Just forget I said anything.’

  Jenny knew that this wasn’t the first time Naomi had faced an unplanned pregnancy and she also knew how unhappy she was. But she couldn’t let on that she knew about it; Ruth might feel it had been purposely hidden from her. Jenny put a hand on Naomi’s arm. ‘I’m sure this has been a big shock for you, Naomi. It must be hard to get your head around it.’

  ‘Maybe you’re just worried that your body won’t cope with a pregnancy so soon after giving birth.’ Gail was also trying to help Naomi dig herself out; they all felt the weight of Ruth’s unrelenting stare.

  ‘It isn’t a physical issue,’ Naomi explained reluctantly. ‘I’m just not sure how I’m going to cope with two small children. I’m not sure that I even want another…’

  Before she could say any more, Ruth stood up, threw the rest of her drink over Naomi, and walked out of the bar.

  * * *

  ‘Should I go after her?’ Jenny tried to help Naomi absorb some of the drink on her dress with the cheap bar napkins. Naomi was crying and Antonia was patting her on the back gently.

  ‘No, I think we just leave her to her own thoughts for a while,’ said Gail.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ sobbed Naomi.

  ‘Ssshh,’ soothed Jenny. ‘You have no reason to apologise to us. Although maybe your timing could have been a little better.’ She looked pointedly at Gail.

  Antonia continued the patting. ‘Does John know yet?’

  Naomi shook her head. ‘I haven’t had a period the whole time I’ve been breastfeeding. The only reason I took a test was because I felt really sick for days.’

  ‘Have you thought about what you want to do?’ asked Antonia. ‘You’ve been drinking an awful lot tonight, darling.’

  ‘Actually, I haven’t.’ Naomi looked at her sheepishly. ‘That’s why I’ve been offering to get the drinks. Apart from a glass of wine at the house, most of which I tipped on the garden, and a small glass with dinner, I have been on tonic water.’ She started to cry again. ‘Ruth must hate me.’

  ‘No, no.’ Jenny took her hand. If Ruth did hate Naomi, it would have been understandable, but hatred wasn’t Ruth’s style. ‘She’s just angry at the situation. It must be hard for her to hear that someone can get pregnant by accident when it’s been so difficult for her. To be honest, it must be difficult being around all of us, full stop.’

  Jenny wanted to kick herself. Getting them all together this weekend had been a mistake. A selfish mistake. This wasn’t about a stupid blog any more. She just wanted to go home.

  Gail went to the bar to get Naomi a glass of water. When she came back and Naomi seemed a little more composed, she asked if anyone wanted another drink, but no one was in the mood.

  ‘Shall we just head back, darlings?’ Antonia started to slip on her jacket.

  ‘Hang on. Maybe we should stay, just a little longer.’ Gail nodded over Jenny’s shoulder. ‘There’s a rather attractive-looking man making his way over here.’

  Jenny turned in the direction of Gail’s nod and looked the attractive man straight in the eye. Oh, no!

  ‘Hi, Jen!’ he said.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Of course, the Spice Mums also don’t really know me, either.

  Due to my love affair with Google, they seem to view me as well informed and in control. Whereas my ‘real-life’ friends are constantly amazed that I have managed to even keep The Boy alive.

  It’s because they don’t know anything about me pre-baby. They don’t know how many crap boyfriends I had to go through before I met Mr Baby. That I could down a whole pint of cider and then recite the alphabet backwards. That I only joined the antenatal class so that I could get the lowdown on the hitherto unrevealed side of being a parent.

  Which leads me to something else rather important that they don’t know anything about…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  Given the state of Brian, he clearly wasn’t there on a photography assignment for Flair. He beamed at Jenny, whilst also looking over her shoulder at the other three; Lucy must have run out of friends to set him up with and he was about to start on hers. Unsteady on his feet, it took him a moment or two to make it over to them, while Jenny tried in vain to head him off before the others had a chance to speak to him. What was he doing here?

  ‘Well, this is a nice surprise, seeing you.’ He had the faintest slur to his voice. Brian was a regular drinker so, if he was drunk, he must have had quite a bit. ‘I didn’t think you were back out in social circulation yet.’

  Jenny glanced around her quickly, looking for an escape route. There was no way she wanted him talking to the others. If he worked out who they were, her cover would be well and truly blown. She could push him towards the bar but it was packed three-deep with people. Maybe she could take up smoking and jostle him outside onto the pavement? She searched for a group of sleazy-looking men who would likely be his friends. Why weren’t they looking for him? ‘I’m not, it’s just a night away from…’ She tried to move him away from the girls, or at least give him a look which signified Say nothing. But who was she kidding? Most men didn’t do non-verbal signals sober, let alone drunk. When she used that look on Dan he always said, ‘Are you okay? Have you got something in your eye?’

  ‘Jenny’s trying to say that we’ve all got a night off from our babies,’ interrupted Naomi. She seemed to have got over her upset pretty quickly and was smiling flirtatiously at Brian. Gail was also giving Jenny an ‘introduce us now’ look. He did scrub up well, although right then he was looking more than a little worse for wear.

  ‘Babies?’ A light went on behind his slightly sozzled eyes. ‘Oh, it’s you!’ He started pointing at them with delight. Bugger.

  Antonia looked bemused. ‘Who does this deranged man think we are? And who the devil is he?’

  ‘Just one of the photographers from the magazine. I don’t know him all that well,’ Jenny said behind the back of her hand. ‘He’s not the sort of person I’d want to introduce you to. I’ll get rid of him.’ Grabbing hold of his arm, she leaned in and raised her voice. ‘Brian, come with me to the bar. Let me buy you a drink.’

  Brian was still pointing, moving his finger across the three of them as if he were deciding which one to pick. ‘You’re the Spice Mums!’ he hooted, clearly enjoying himself. Alcohol had a lot to answer for.

  Jenny felt the colour drain from her face. Shit. Shit. Shit. This was not the way it was supposed to be. If she ever did tell them, it was going to be nonchalantly. She would make it sound like a good thing. Yes, I have been writing about you on a public blo
g for the last few months and I would like to carry on doing so in a magazine. Fun, eh? But with the recent news of an unplanned pregnancy, Geoff’s affair with the nanny and Gail’s imminent announcement, this probably wasn’t the best time to reveal that Jenny had been publishing their private conversations on the world wide web.

  Antonia continued to stare at him with distaste. ‘What the hell is he talking about?’

  Jenny’s finger was midway to her temple where she was about to rotate it and suggest that Brian was slightly unhinged – ‘All those flashbulbs, messes with the grey matter’ – when she realised that it was pointless. She’d always known she would have to tell them sometime. She might as well get it over with. With any luck, sandwiching her announcement between Naomi’s and Gail’s might mean it got forgotten, anyway. Maybe. Or maybe not.

  She sighed and faced them. ‘I have something I have been meaning to tell you all.’

  Brian definitely wasn’t getting the vibe. ‘You HAVE to be Posh!’ He beamed at Antonia. He waved his hand up and down. ‘The accent, the clothes. Got to be.’ He looked at Naomi, then Gail, then back to Naomi, before settling on Gail. ‘Scary. Definitely.’

  Gail no longer looked interested in being introduced. Looking at Jenny, she said: ‘I think you’d better speak quickly before Laddo here gets a swift kick somewhere soft.’

  This didn’t perturb Brian at all. ‘See! Scary! I was right!’ he crowed, before peering at Naomi. ‘Which means you must be—’

  ‘Brian! Stop! For the love of… just stop!’ Jenny put her hands on his shoulders and turned him around to face a small group of men who had finally materialised and seemed to know him. ‘The boys need you back now. I’ll see you soon.’ As he tottered back to his friends, she turned to face the girls. ‘Maybe we should sit down.’

  * * *

  ‘So, let me get this straight,’ Gail spoke slowly. ‘You’ve been meeting up with us, letting us feel that we can trust you, and then writing about all our private conversations.’ She tapped her fingernails on the side of the fresh glass of wine that Jenny had bought.