Dawn’s New Day

by TJ Thomas

  “When do you leave?”

  “I’m catching the red-eye tonight.”

  “Wow. Okay. Do you need a ride to the airport?”

  “That’s sweet, but I thought I’d take a Lyft.”

  Cam’s jaw clenched. “Great. Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.”

  “Not at all.”

  “What?”

  Dawn took a step forward cutting the distance between them in half. “I don’t have anything figured out. My head’s pretty messed up right now. Having Lori reappear in my life has thrown me for a loop. Add on everything that’s happening between you and me, and as wonderful as it is, it’s a lot to process. I need some time. I need to be away from all of it for a little while. Does that make any sense?”

  “I understand. I really do, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For?”

  “Being you. Understanding. Giving me the time and space I need.”

  “Promise me one thing.”

  “If I can.”

  “While you’re out on that big farm, thinking serious thoughts, promise me you won’t make any final decisions about you and me without coming home and having a conversation with me first.”

  “I give you my word.”

  *****

  Tuesday morning as the plane landed at Raleigh/Durham International Airport and taxied to the gate, Dawn stayed in her seat and let the other passengers deplane ahead of her. For once, she had packed light and hadn’t checked any luggage. She’d left some extra clothes at the farm last time she visited, and if she needed anything else, she’d borrow it from her mom. As she waited, she studied the sunrise over the tarmac out the tiny airplane window.

  In a couple of hours, she would be at her childhood home. She’d always found the hills of North Carolina peaceful. She only hoped she could still find the peace within herself since her mind was so jumbled with everything happening with Cam and Lori. She wanted to spend some time on the farm with her parents. Maybe she would go hiking. All she had was time.

  She dashed off a quick text and then she called Cam. She couldn’t decide what it meant that she missed her already.

  “Hello?”

  “Good morning, I hope I didn’t wake you?”

  “You didn’t. I’m getting ready for work. Are you there?”

  “Yeah, still at the airport. Wanted to let you know I’d landed safely.”

  “I appreciate that. I hope you enjoy time with your parents and that you get what you need from your trip.”

  “Thank you. I just sent you a text. That’s my parents’ number. I forgot to tell you cell coverage is spotty at their place. So, if you need me for anything, use that number.”

  “Okay. Just so you know, I probably won’t use it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Two reasons. A big project is launching at work today and I’m going to be working crazy hours this week. But most importantly, you asked for space and I will respect that.”

  “Okay. Well…like I said, you have it if you need it. I should go.”

  “Good-bye, Dawn.”

  “Bye.”

  On some level, Dawn was certain Cam’s last words were simply a salutation. What everyone said at the end of a phone call. But her inflection sounded so…final. Maybe Cam was tired of waiting for her to make up her mind after all. Cam had been so patient for so long, maybe it had finally become too much. Certainly she would have said something when they’d talked the day before. There was nothing she could do from here other than call her back. But until she knew for sure what she wanted, she doubted that was a good idea.

  She was here for time and space. Cam would have the same while she was away. She’d only just realized that. She wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about it. She didn’t know what Cam was thinking about all this. She hadn’t asked. When had she become so selfish? So many questions to answer and she wasn’t going to figure out anything while sitting on the tarmac.

  By the time she turned away from the window, the plane was nearly empty. She grabbed her carry-on and headed into the terminal. Her dad would be waiting. She strode purposefully to their appointed meeting spot outside the departure doors. In her dad’s estimation it was easier to find someone waiting on the curb when every other person was headed inside. Mere moments after Dawn arrived, she saw him. She raised her hand in a casual wave as he pulled up to the curb in his old Ford pickup.

  Dawn hopped into the truck, threw her bag behind the seat, and scooted over to wrap her arms around her father. It might have been an impromptu visit, but the moment she saw him, she realized how much she truly missed her parents. “Hi, Dad.”

  He wrapped his right arm tightly around her. He cleared his throat before he said, “Hi, your mother wants me to ask you first thing if you’re really all right?”

  Dawn pulled back far enough so she could look into his eyes. His face was perpetually red from the sun, and he had deep crow’s feet around his eyes from all his time outdoors without sunglasses. But his brown eyes were clear and sparkled with the intelligence he had never felt the need to flaunt. Dawn shrugged. She’d never been able to keep anything from him. The one or two times she had tried, he’d known there was more. He patiently waited until she told him. “I’m fine, Dad. At least physically there isn’t anything wrong. I just have a lot on my mind and needed some time away from everything to try to get some perspective.”

  He gave a slight nod. “Okay. Buckle up, Buttercup.”

  Dawn grinned at the nickname her dad had always used for her as she followed his instruction and clicked her seat belt closed. He wouldn’t press and she loved him for it. But he was also a great listener and might be able to give her an unbiased read on the whole Cam situation. “I’d like to tell you a story.”

  “Okay,” he said as he made his way to the airport exit and headed for the interstate.

  By the time her dad drove down the dirt road to the farm nearly two hours later, Dawn had told him everything about Cam and also what had happened with Lori. She didn’t spare any details. He knew her almost as well as Ali did, and even though he didn’t know all the details about her past relationships, he knew enough to understand her hesitation at becoming involved with another woman. Her father turned to her. “So, to sum it up…You ran away from your current home back to your first home to escape the reach of a crazy ex. But you also ran away from another woman who has done nothing but be open, thoughtful, and respectful.”

  “Yeah, pretty much. Cam is all of those things and more. I can’t get her out of my head, but I’m not sure I can truly let her into my life, either.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “If someone driving a car is stopped at a red light and gets rear-ended, is the person in the car who gets hit at fault?”

  Dawn had no idea where her father was going with this. “Of course not.”

  “And if a month later, the same driver who got hit is driving along, following all the rules of the road goes through a green light and gets T-boned, is it that driver’s fault?”

  “No, it’s not. I don’t understand your point.”

  “I’m getting there, bear with me. So, the same driver has been in two accidents in one month, but neither occurrence was her fault. Should she stop driving?”

  “She might want to, given her luck, but no, she did nothing wrong.”

  “Neither did you, Dawn.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You were hurt, more than once. Are you going to continue to let the women who hurt you stop you from getting where you want to go? Are you going to hide from the world, or Cam specifically, and never risk the possibility of getting hurt again even if you might find something worth the risk if you went for it?”

  What could she possibly say? He was right.

  “You’ve given me something to think about but I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.”

  “Well, righ
t this minute I reckon you should go say hi to your mama. We’ll talk more later on. Don’t worry about your bag. I’ll get it.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  As Dawn jumped from the truck, her mom walked onto the front porch, the screen door slamming behind her. Her red hair, so much like Dawn’s, was just beginning to gray at the temples. Her eyes sparkled with welcome and love. The apron she wore brought back so many fond memories of Dawn’s childhood. Dawn vaulted up the stairs and grabbed her in a fierce hug. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Hi, honey. I’m just finishing a pie. Why don’t you join me and you can fill me in on what’s going on and why you’re really here.”

  From behind Dawn, her dad deadpanned, “That could take a while.”

  Dawn wrapped an arm around her mom’s waist and chuckled. “It really could. I talked dad’s ear off the whole way home.”

  “I don’t care how long it takes, I want to hear everything. Once I get this pie in the oven, I’ll make you breakfast.”

  “Lead the way,” Dawn said and prepared to repeat the saga that was her life the last few months.

  By the time Dawn got through her story a second time, breakfast was done and she and her mom sat in rocking chairs on the back porch with a clear view of the pasture and garden. She stifled another yawn. “Honey, it sounds like Cam’s a very nice woman. We’ll talk more about her later, but you must be exhausted. Why don’t you go on up to your room and take a nap?”

  “That’s okay. I want to walk around the barns and stuff.” As she covered her third yawn in as many minutes, Dawn changed course. “Maybe a nap would be a good idea. I haven’t been sleeping all that well.”

  “Not surprising with everything going on. Now, go on up and get settled in. If you’re not down by lunchtime, I’ll wake you.”

  “Thanks, Mom, I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I’m glad you’re here.”

  Dawn leaned down and kissed her mom on the cheek. “Me too.”

  When she reached her childhood bedroom, she found her bag where her dad had laid it on her bed. She set it aside, kicked off her shoes, shimmied out of her jeans, and crawled beneath the handmade quilt on the twin bed. She closed her eyes and all she could see was Cam. Maybe it was the distance or talking about her for hours with her parents, but for some reason seeing Cam as she closed her eyes to sleep didn’t scare her today. In fact she found comfort in it. She allowed her mind to focus on Cam and drifted off to sleep. When she woke she realized she’d slept better than she had in weeks.

  *****

  Tuesday morning Cam stood in her backyard playing with her dogs. She was surprised when Dawn had called to let her know she’d arrived safely. Cam hadn’t really expected to hear from her at all. She wondered if that said more about her feelings or Dawn’s. As she surveyed the yard, she became more and more irritated. Every plant, flower, and tree in her yard made her think of Dawn. She was three thousand miles away and still she invaded her thoughts.

  When Dawn told her she was leaving town, Cam said she understood and part of her did. But the other parts of her were angry and frustrated that Dawn didn’t stay and fight, that she hadn’t leaned on Cam for support. Dawn wasn’t alone this time. Cam would have stood beside her to face Lori. Clearly, either Dawn didn’t trust that or it wasn’t enough.

  Eventually, Cam realized Dawn might have left town to protect her. Cam hoped that wasn’t the case, but she knew it was. This was Dawn protecting her and taking the time she needed. Two birds, one stone. Cam didn’t need protection from a bully like Lori. It hurt Cam much more to think Dawn wouldn’t turn to her for help with something like this. Their friendship had been growing steadily stronger for months but at the first sign of trouble, Dawn abandoned her.

  When the dogs tired of chasing the ball she’d been throwing, Cam flopped onto the grass. Mozz laid his head on her leg. She petted him and thought out loud. “I’ve given her nothing but time. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing it. I wish she’d talked to me about her fears and not run away. What type of relationship can we build if she can’t trust me?”

  Cam wasn’t sure if she could go back to just being friends with Dawn. Maybe it was better to back off and let things take their natural course. “Maybe I just need to move on. I’m not even sure what our relationship is anyway? She cares for me and wants more sex. That’s what she said. So what…we’re friends with benefits? I don’t think that’s enough for me. But I still want Dawn in my life.” Mozz simply scratched his ear and panted. He was no help at all.

  There was nothing she could do about it right now anyway. Hopefully, the research and work for her work project would keep her busy enough to stop the circular thoughts about Dawn. If she could focus on work she didn’t have to think about anything or anyone else. Fat chance of that, but what choice did she have? The next move was Dawn’s.

  *****

  Dawn spent several days wandering around the farm. She visited the animals in the barn and passed time with the goats, horses, and pigs. She especially loved meeting all the babies that had been born this spring. Her favorite was the newest kid. He was already so rambunctious. He came right up to her and butted her leg. But when she scratched his head he calmed down.

  She drove the tractor, fed the chickens, gathered eggs, helped her dad mend a fence, and baked bread with her mom. She spent lazy afternoons napping in the hayloft. She sketched things around the farm—tractors, the barn, trees, and many of the animals, but she also drew the face she saw in vivid color on the film screen of her eyelids whenever she closed her eyes. Her sketchbook was more than half full of Cam. Then, she spent two more days hiking a part of the Appalachian Trail near her parents’ farm.

  The one thing that became clear during her time away was that she couldn’t stop thinking about Cam. That didn’t make her feel more certain about anything. Cam wasn’t Lori. Dawn had to believe that she couldn’t have fallen in love with Cam if she was anything like Lori. She wanted to trust herself and her judgment of Cam’s character, but how could she be sure? She’d fallen for Lori too. Lori had been kind and patient at the beginning. How could she truly know if things wouldn’t change between her and Cam if they moved forward with a relationship?

  She had only seen Cam frustrated one time and she hadn’t turned that on Dawn, she’d simply left the room. The only time she’d seen Cam really angry, she’d taken it out on the heavy bag and her own knuckles. But that had, in some way, been to fight for Dawn, to beat up her enemies, even if it had only been in Cam’s head.

  She thought about when they’d gone bowling and Cam had been playful even as she lost. That was something Lori would never have been able to do. It also occurred to her that after fifteen months of dating, she’d never given Lori her parents’ number. But she had given it to Cam when she landed in Raleigh. Clearly, she trusted Cam more than she realized.

  Dawn had to face reality. She couldn’t hide in North Carolina forever. Cam was sweet, patient, and kind. Dawn wasn’t sure she deserved Cam. She had promised to talk to her before she made a final decision and she could give her that at least.

  Chapter Seventeen

  When Dawn landed in San Diego the first thing she needed to do was see Cam. She’d made Cam a promise before she left and she needed to talk to her. She went over to Cam’s and rang the bell. When she got no answer, she settled on sending a text to Cam. “Hi, I’m home. Do you have any time to talk this evening?”

  “Hi. I’m probably working late, but I can let you know when I get home and you’re welcome to come over.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Have a good day.”

  “You too.”

  She only stopped in the house long enough to throw her bag on the bed and change into clothes she didn’t care about getting dirty. She and her gardens needed some weeding time.

  Since she’d been gone nearly a week, her yard was in desperate need of attention. She attacked the gardens in the backyard first. She noticed that she didn’t hear Mozz or Jack playing out bac
k, then refocused on weeding. When the sun was directly above her, Dawn sat back on her heels and surveyed her yard. She had the back under control. She grabbed a glass of cold lemonade and headed for the front yard. By the time she was finished, after six in the evening, Cam still hadn’t come home.

  By the time the text from Cam finally came it was almost eight o’clock. Dawn was on pins and needles waiting to see her.

  “Finally home. Still want to come over?”

  “Yes, if that’s okay?”

  “Sure.”

  Cam opened the door and stepped back so Dawn could enter. Cam appeared drawn and worn out like she hadn’t slept in days. The dark circles under her eyes gave her a haunted look. A strong urge to comfort Cam gripped her. She took a step toward Cam but stopped short when Cam’s body stiffened. “Cam, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, just tired. How was your trip?”

  “It was nice.”

  “Good.”

  As the silence stretched between them, Dawn wasn’t sure what to do. She’d had a plan, but Cam’s reaction threw her off. Courage was a funny thing. When you don’t need it, you think you’ll have enough to draw on when you do. When it came time and you needed courage, often there was no time to think about whether you had enough. You just jumped in or ran away. Cam seemed to be the jump in type. Dawn wasn’t sure she had the courage to stand and face what she needed to. She wanted to be with Cam. Sometimes, that thought alone had her looking for the closest escape route. It terrified her to care that much about one person.

  How could she possibly tell Cam the truth and give her so much power? She’d never be able to protect herself from the pain. If she hid the truth, she was a coward, but she’d shield herself from the gut-wrenching blow that seemed to be inevitable in all her significant romantic relationships. The idea left her hollow. Was it possible that not telling Cam she wanted her could hurt Dawn even more than the pain she expected down the road?