by J.D. Selmser
Chapter TEN
Expectations &
Disappointments
I was running towards Kate's house with this horrifying image of Kristina's lifeless body dangling from a rope. The image that, no matter what I did, she was doomed to the same fate was firmly in my mind. I was cutting through the public schoolyard by the swing set where I first saw Kristina when I first noticed it. It was her thick War and Peace book lying open on the ground. The wind was knocking the pages around like it was bully slapping around its latest victim. I don't know why seeing the book made me think of the unfriendly giant Cliff, but it did and the book was Kristina I guess, just lying there taking the thrashing.
I picked up the book and tried to unfold all the bent pages with this uneasy feeling. While I was playing doctor, Kristina needed me more than ever and I was nowhere to be found. I guess when she needed help the most, nobody was ever around. It wasn't pitch black, but it was starting to get dark. I didn't want to hear how I failed her, but decided to keep going. It wasn't like I was facing my fears. I was being accountable for my sins and actions probably for the first time ever.
I walked up to the door and lightly knocked on the hardwood as my whole body started to tremble. I guess facing your demons is supposed to make your stomach twist and turn until you feel like you are going to throw up. Kristina came to the door with such a long face I started to wonder if maybe Kate had died. She slowly opened the door and looked like she was going to say something when I hugged her.
Confused she asked, "Is everything ok?", as if I needed saving and not her. I didn't have time to explain anything when I felt her arms tighten around me. She whispered, "I am here for you, always." It’s not very often I feel emotions, but today I did. I am not even sure what the emotion was. It could be just the relief of seeing that she was not dead, maybe just a flash of attachment after the fear or some other guilt stricken emotion I had never felt before, but either way, I felt something.
Not letting go she asked, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing now that I know you are ok.", I said.
Pulling back, she looked shocked and scared at the same time, "You were worried about me." I am not sure how to describe the look in her eyes except to say she looked happy, sad and disappointed at the same time.
"You were worried about me? Today four boys beat you up and put you in the hospital and you were worried about me?"
I don’t know what came over me. Normally I could and would spin a moment like this into a heartfelt thing which always lead to a kiss. It was my skill after all. I was like one of those African tour guides that lead people through the jungle, only my jungle happens to be the female heart and all its emotions. "I wasn't really sent to the hospital. It’s more like I was waiting at the hospital. Your aunt cuts bigger gashes shaving her ape legs than what I got today."
She burst out laughing and her whole body shook with each gulp of air she took. Still hugging her, I realized that I liked the way that she felt when I held her. I even liked the way I felt. "You are such an idiot, but I like it."
Now I had been called a lot of things by a lot of women and usually I knew why I was being called whatever it was I was being called. Most of the time, I even understood why I was being called it, but not this time. "Is idiot a term of endearment?", I asked.
Laughing even harder she snorted, "Most times no, but I think you must be the exception."
Relaxing I just said, "Good."
She was leading me into the kitchen where her aunt and Mister Andersen were sitting drinking tea. Kate looked relieved, confused and concerned at the same time as she asked, "Jason what did you think was wrong? It looks like you were about to cry."
Not being the emotional type, crying wasn't something I did often even though I was well practiced at faking it. "I wasn't crying or about to cry. I just found Kristina's book on the ground and thought something was wrong."
“This is a rare event in the Harris house.”, Kate said as she snapped a couple of pictures with one of those old Polaroid cameras. “I want to save this moment.”, she said smiling. Kristina Harris and a friend laughing. She was fanning the pictures then she handed one to us. I looked at the picture and she was right, Kristina looked happy. Actually with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, I might even say she looked beautiful.
Handing it to her I said, “Here, a momento of this day.”
Kristina looked embarrassed as she took the book from my hand. "I was reading on the swings when aunt Kate came home and Iwas worried about you, so I left it and ran home." She seemed lost for words and just added, "You shouldn't worry about me." Again she seemed shamed by the fact that somebody saw something special inside her.
"I was actually worried about the book."
Kristina seemed to forget her guilt and just smiled as she said, "And does this involve a deserted island?"
Smiling I added, "Of course. It’s all part of my escape plan." I could see that Kate was confused, but it made Kristina smile and that's all I really wanted at this point. "I have heard that a woman is attracted to men with really thick ... books."
She blushed as the giant smile her face faded. “I am not kind of girl, despite…” Walking away from the door she added, “I think that maybe you should go home now.”
"Whoa! Relax it was just harmless flirting. I didn't mean anything disrespectful. I would never disrespect you."
Kristina seemed insulted, but not angry. "Maybe it’s a joke now and maybe tomorrow it will be another few funny comments, but at some point, you will start to wonder if those rumours are true then before you know it, you will start to think about me differently."
I wondered just how many times that had happened to her in the past. How many times she’d thought that she'd found friendship or hell maybe even love, only to have it end up being a pound of flesh they wanted. A pound of her flesh like it was some kind of erotica novel. "Is that what you think of me?"
"It just happens that way.", Kristina replied, still staring at our image fused into the paper. It looked like she had more to say, but she didn't. She was just staring down at our picture, "I think you should go home now."
She was turning to walk away and part of me was lost in watching the way she looked. Even wearing that long summer dress with the long turtle neck, she looked gorgeous.
I snatched the picture from her hand. "I want this momento for myself. I will think of it as the day you opened you heart just a crack and when I finally got comfortable, snap! You decided to lock the door again."
Kristina just stood there open-mouthed, looking lost. She didn't look hurt or sad, but more shocked than anything else. I said, "Ladies.", and started walking down the stairs on my way home. A little part of me wanted to look back and have her tell me to wait or something. I wasn't trying to become an integral part of her life, but she had to learn to trust somebody and maybe that was my real part in this.
I was walking away hoping that she would say something, but I realized the fear inside her was bigger than the need for companionship. I actually thought that she'd call out to me even though I wasn't dumb enough to think that I had a future with her. It wasn't like I was going to save her and live happily ever after as Jason Hines. Not that deep down I didn't like the idea. It was just my reality. I was destined to die and Kristina was meant to live her life. I just hoped it wasn't alone, trapped, looking behind her when she should be running towards the future.
I made it as far as the swing set before I allowed myself to look back. The door was closed and Kristina was nowhere to be seen. I sat there just rocking back and forth, trying to decide what my place in this was. Ideally my job should be done now. After four years of hiding and crying alone in the shadows, she should be ok now. After all, the Hines family had been guilted into saving her from being hounded at school. Officer “sweep it under the rug” would make sure that the family did as I asked him to. Family pride can be a great motivator and as every member of the family repeated constantly,
family always comes first.
I was rocking back and forth, letting everything rock through my mind, trying to understand what I had missed. Was it because I was creating a bond between the redneck Jason and Kristina? Would he return and crush her? Was I supposed to change? Hazel didn't tell me how I failed, only that I failed.
"What are you thinking?", Kristina's soft voice came from behind me. She sat in the swing beside me and started rocking. "Listen I am sorry. I don't have friends." Pointing towards her bedroom window, she looked lonely as she continued, "That's my view of the world. It’s safe there. No complications."
"Maybe you should get a bigger window. Your view is limited because it faces a graveyard. You can't walk with the living if you are stuck staring at the dead." Yes, I know it sounded like a hallmark card, but I guess the dead are meant to be sentimental. What else do they really have?
"I don't know how to explain my soul to you and I wish I could. Honestly, I wish I could open up my heart and share everything with you. Not because I think that you'd find beauty inside me, but because then you'd see the real me." She continued rocking, "We can't all have a soul as beautiful as yours."
"I think there is something special inside you. You just have kept it shielded for so long that you forgot how bright it is." I wondered what she would think if she saw the real me. That selfish skinny little kid who ruined her life. Would she still think I had a beautiful soul?
"I can't afford expectations. Not yet. My motto is, no expectations no disappointments."
I grabbed her hand. At first she tensed up, but then she relaxed and seemed to hold mine back. "You should accept what you expect."
"What?"
"Just make me a promise."
Pulling her hand away, she looked like mentally she was screaming, "No I don’t want to be that kind of girl for you." Even in this dim light I could see the disappointment in her eyes. She stood up and started walking away. "See I knew that it was too good to be true. Just when I let my guard down, the monsters come out."
"Wait!" She stopped and looked towards me filled with fear. "I was going to say that tomorrow is a brand new day. Don’t hide in the shadows when the day is bright and filled with sunshine."
She was just staring at me. "Are you for real? I mean we are in the middle of cow country and you don't blend in. I mean you are nice. Maybe the nicest guy I have ever met, but for this area, you don’t blend in. Ok I promise I will do anything you ask."
"Good. I am not asking you to trust anyone. Not even me. I am just asking that you let a little of what I see, out. Don't ask the world for respect, demand it."
I was sitting on the step watching Kristina still swinging on the swing set. In the shadows, just sitting there rocking back and forth, she looked so sad and lonely, but this was the first time I didn't feel sorry for her. If she chose to sit in darkness alone, it wasn't because I hadn't offered her a foundation to build upon. It was because she refused to build upon it. I watched her make her way home and then her bedroom light came on. She was back staring at the world from her window. She was back wanting to see more than her limited view would allow.
I sat there watching her window like a love sick puppy until she turned it off which I assumed meant that she was gone to sleep. I wondered what she saw in her dreams. My dreams were always of that first day I met Hazel. Why am I lying to myself? I relived that hour more times since the day she died than any sane man should. It was never sexual though. It was always me wondering if I changed her life like she changed mine. If I see her I will ask.
I pulled the Polaroid picture from my pocket. Kristina was shining in it. As my father always told me, a happy wife means a happy life. When I asked him what that really meant, he smiled and said that the most beautiful woman is a happy one. I understood that now. Kristina had her own beauty which wasn't anything unique, but when she smiled, she glowed. It was at this point that ordinary became extraordinary.
I was still staring at the picture wondering when I was gone, would Kristina look at a picture and wonder about me. Would she would spend time dreaming of Jason Hines? Not the one that would be coming back in a few weeks, but the one who realized he adored her when he was staring at her picture.
I was looking up at her window when I heard a whistling sound and felt something stinging across my back. A second smack then a third followed by more. I started to cry trying to get to my feet and run away, but someone kicked my feet out from under me and started whipping me harder. Someone grumbled, "You never choose a whore over your family. Never!"